An un- perfect end to an un- perfect week!

So, when you have had a tough week in the board room working all the hours God sends with incompetent project managers excelling in their display of incompetence, when your dev. guys lose sight of the phrase 'keep it simple stupid' and when all you really want to do is get home on a Friday night, what is the very best thing that can happen next?

Well the one thing it's not is to have some dozy fool t-bone your car at speed on the dark, wet journey to home to weekend escape!

Welcome to Fletch's world this last week!

Thankfully it was only vehicles that suffered damage, no bones broken or any of that, in part I suspect because himself managed, in the momentary window of opportunity, presented, to still have enough wit after his long week to react quickly and take some evasive action, thereby warding off a much more serious level of impact.

No harm done, save for a the other driver being very shaken and requiring some considerable 'calming talk' and cigarettes, all supplied in the rain and dark on the side of the road by Fletch who didn't have the heart to be angry with him given his obvious state of distress.

There will of course be some pretty hefty repair bills but it could be worse, it's a company car so we don't have to take care of that, it's just aggravation we could do without but that's life and what matters is no one was injured.

....and when he finally arrived home looking a bit dishevelled and the worse for wear, he was carrying not one but five glorious stems of orchids which are now doing their beautiful thing in a vase, having also survived the impact! :o)

1/10 for observation!

With age seems to come a certain degree of stupidity where my ability to concentrate and pay attention to detail is concerned!

I have long since accepted my forte for throwing scissors or cutlery in the bin when in fact of course, it's the rubbish in the other hand that should have been destined for the landfill, I am used to my ability to walk the few meters to another room and then stand there like a lemon trying to remember what exactly it was I went there for in the first place and I have learned to tolerate my penchant for insisting I don't need a list for just four items when out shopping.....and coming back with only two of them because of course I forgot what the other two were!

Now I have excelled myself in the stupidity stakes!

Late last night, or to be more specific early this morning, whilst going through the usual insomnia routine I decided to make my self a cup of cocoa. This is not unusual and in my defence attempt at a lame excuse it was 2.30 am and I was beginning to feel slightly dosey. So I made the aforementioned milky drink and settled back in front of my computer absentmindedly surfing and sipping.

Along the way I had a vague notion that something wasn't quite right with my drink but I took no notice, I carried on, sip, surf, sip, surf, sip, surf...all the time almost registering somewhere in the depths of my mind that something was not right but somehow unable to actually formulate a whole conscious thought on the matter.

Almost at the end of the cup my mind finally realised something really wasn't right and investigated the dregs remaining....to find the milk was well and truly off and what I was drinking had much more in common with yogurt or junket than cocoa! Yuk, nasty.

Hey...I am the woman that managed a year ago, to drink a cup of coffee made with water containing a high proportion of descaler and still only slightly register any oddity, so I suppose last nights 'observation failure' should really not come as any great surprise to me!

Lifegem - Diamonds are a girl's best friend!

Are you struggling for that special gift idea for a loved one this Christmas or perhaps trying to think of that oh so meaningful gift your uninspired significant other isn't going to come up with, and for which you need to begin dropping some subtle hints?

Well they say don't they, that diamonds are a girls best friend, so how about a diamond, but not just any old diamond, forget clarity colour and carats, forget Tiffany & Co. or Garrard instead there is a new diamond available and a coloured one at that. Fancy coloured diamonds have long been more valuable than the run of the mill offerings and now there is a very special one available should you have thousands of dollars at your disposal!

It's called 'Lifegem' and it has all the same characteristics both in appearance and carbon tech.spec. as the more traditional version, the only difference?....it's made from carbon extracted from the cremated remains of your loved one!!

How lovely! Not! Who the hell thought up that delightful little, er sorry gem, of a money making idea?

What? You mean it's not at the top of your Christmas wish list? I am astounded! I can't imagine why!

As it happens I still have Poppy tucked away in her little box after all these years, this wasn't by design, it was more that in all the upheaval of my life around the time of her departure I never quite got to deciding what I would do with her ashes, I packed her when I left Scotland, bought her with me and somehow never got to a final decision and she is still packed away in her little box....maybe I have the answer as to what to finally do with her now?

.....or maybe NOT! Whatever next!

There is however this more traditional option you could perhaps make suggestions of to your significant other, should you strangely not fancy the Lifegem for your Christmas treat. I don't think 34k is too much to ask for something so stunningly, perfectly, amazingly beautiful do you?

Tiffany daaahling, is there anywhere else?

Hair happiness!

My utter dislike of the necessary and regular trips to a hairdresser has been well documented here, including on this, this and this occasion, I just don't like it!

I don't of course have a problem with having a tidy barnet, hey, I'm a woman but I just can't be doing with all the inane chat and faffing, I want my hair cut, nothing less and certainly nothing more, if I wanted any other service I would ask for it, I don't need to be asked repeatedly if I want a colour/highlights/lowlights/treatments/manicure/pedicure/wax or any other of the myriad procedures on offer, I just want my bloody hair cut! I don't want pampering, I don't want treating like a faux princess and I don't want to waste any more time in there than is absolutely necessary! Please, in peace and quiet and without the unending, brain numbing blether regarding the booking status of my next summer holiday!

Hell, I have made a polite effort, I have even tried answering that one from time to time but the dumb blond wielding the scissors (ok, before someone takes me to the politically correct hair stylist police I know not all hairdressers fit the stereotype, just most that I have the misfortune to be tortured by) has on more than one occasion drifted off into a confused state when I tried to explain the joys of motorcycle touring as opposed to two weeks in Benidorm trying to contract a significant melanoma!

But, things have changed, success at last! I had a plan and a bit of luck and things on the salon visiting front are looking much improved....even to a point that I actually enjoyed yesterday's visit.

The plan; to grow my hair, thus necessitating a few less salon visits per annum.

The luck; The discovery of a hairdresser called 'Sammy'.....a stunning looking twenty something with a brain and a sense of humour, who talks about motorbikes, computers and travelling, who has a sense of reality about her profession, doesn't attempt to sell me 'product', has hamsters and kittens and makes a half decent, gratis, cup of coffee!

This girl is a star, we were reduced to something akin to raucous schoolgirls laughing and giggling for an hour and to add to my delight, as the result of a booking mix up I won't bore you with the details of, she gave me the full works, including the only 'add-on' I enjoy, an Indian (I don't know what defines it as 'Indian' but I don't care, it's good) head massage, for the price of just a cut!

I am impressed, very impressed, my first enjoyable 'hair salon event' has happened with none of the incumbent inanity, none of the usual disasters I seem to have encountered in these establishments over the years and not a single mention of the Benidorm word!

'Ready to wear' @ gemmak designs

gemmak designs is now offering a new service...
complete 'ready to wear' designs starting at only £12!

The new 'ready to wear' collection of blog designs is just that, ready made complete blog designs that are sold as seen and 'ready to wear' immediately, allowing them to be half the price of those made to specific order. They are however still 'one offs' and once one has been sold it will not be repeated, guaranteeing your blog a personal look.

The design of your choice will be customised with you blog title on order and where space allows, a line of text can also be placed in the header.

There are currently five regular designs to choose from and four Christmas/seasonal designs and I will be adding more shortly.

The low price includes installation to your blog and where the design is a Christmas one it also includes hosting of the images and re-installation of your usual design once the festive season is over.

The cost for the seasonal designs is only £12 and for the regular designs just £15 .....and if you would like to purchase one as a gift for someone I can send you or your friend a gift certificate.

All you have to do is choose the one you want and mail me to let me know, it couldn't be easier!

You can of course still order a design specifically tailor made for you, at the normal starting price of £30 (see terms and conditions for pricing details) or a tailor made Christmas look starting at just £25.

Click the images for a larger size preview and if you wish to see a design 'working' please email me and I will give you a link to view.

Please feel free to email me any questions.

*N.B. Payment can be made in GBP or USD at current rates


CHRISTMAS DESIGNS

Christmas stars
(Available with or without coloured sidebar and any colour background)


All Wrapped Up
(available with or without stars and any colour background)


Christmas Kitty
(Available with or without coloured sidebar and any colour background)



Contemporary Tree




REGULAR DESIGNS

Computer Girl
(Available with any colour background)


Relax


Notepad
(Available with or without pencil graphic)


Ladybug
(Available with any colour background)


Black Heart

The sum total...

...of the snow I saw was this meagre offering (sorry, appalling photo taken on my phone through the van's window) and to make matters worse, having lain awake from midnight until 4am barely daring to move for fear of waking the other camper inhabitants with my loudly 'rustling' rip stop sleeping bag, I fell asleep for two hours between 5 and 7 and missed a more significant fall which had melted by the time I woke up! No-one woke me! Can you believe it??!!

Ok, so this camper van malarkey, what can I say save for 'give me back my tent please'. All of the inconvenience of camping with none of the fun or the feeling of communing with nature, too hot, too stuffy and it felt like being in a car park...though I accept there are much nicer sites and this one was chosen for it's convenience alone on this occasion.

All that said, we had a lovely evening with the outlaws, all the usual eating, drinking and hilarity and the company of a noisy owl and I think the entire countries population of Moorhens....but really, it's just not camping!

Posh camping!

Contrary to our usual camping carrying-ons which involves a four seasons tent that restricts even sitting up, cooking on one burner and nil sanitary provision, this weekend we are off to do a little camping the posh way!

Fletch's parents own a camper van, well it seems a little inappropriate to call it just that, this monster vehicle is all shiny, almost new and boasts just about every domestic necessity and luxury known to mankind...it is also barely smaller than our flat!

So, we are off to a place called Grafham Water to spend the weekend with the outlaws in this mobile palace and whilst it's not really our style of camping, I'm not even sure it qualifies as 'camping', it should be fun and it does have it's benefits on a night when the temperatures are set to go well below zero and snow is forecast....heating and apparently efficient heating to boot are of course part of this home from home-mobile. No need for our minus 20 sleeping bags there then!

We have even been promised the sleeping quarters with the skylight so that if the miracle occurs and the snow falls overnight I can lay there and watch it....assuming of course that as is my norm, I don't sleep.

So that's our weekend, two days of camping the posh way, I'll be taking my camera in case of magnificent snowfall but don't expect me to be taking part in any of the water sporting activities on offer, I have my book, t'internet via my phone and good company, I intend to stay huddled inside making the most of the luxury, unless of course a foot of snow materialises, in which case I might just be prised outside to make the very most of it!

Meow!

Sorry...I just couldn't resist!!

Turn your sound on and move your cursor over him, around him, beside him, above, below...you get the picture! If he's a little quiet you might need to click on his tummy or his head! :o)

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

My annual snow watching activities have begun again in earnest, last months unusually early snowfall managed to skirt around the edge of gemmak's-ville and miss us completely.... and last year the single day of snow we did have, I managed to be away elsewhere for and there was not a sign of it left when we returned back home!

My obsession with love of the white stuff is well documented here over the years though what usually happens as the norm is that I watch all the weather models avidly, get thoroughly excited and then it doesn't....snow that is. Just one year surely we must have some proper, decent, impressive snowfall, I can't remember the last time I saw more than a dusting....well actually I can, it was thirteen years ago. Too long, too long!

So, this weekend the models and charts are looking good, a 40-60% likelihood of snowfall is forecast here and some right into next week, the temperature and pressure trends are all doing the right thing (ok, yes, I am a weather anorak) and it's looking like snow is a real possibility .... and guess what, we are going away again!

If it happens and I miss it I won't be a happy blogger...that's much worse than it not happening at all...that said we aren't going far so fingers and toes remain firmly crossed.

Please let it snow! :o)

Depressed economy!

You know, I am heartily sick of hearing about money at the moment!

It's not so much that I don't have any, though a little more would be kinda nice, it's that somehow it feels like absolutely everything in this world depends on it right now! The reality is, to the economists among you out there, that it does, it's a fact I know, that the harsh reality is that money makes the world go around but we seem to be completely obsessed with it of late....there is nothing but financial doom and gloom in the media, everyone is in some degree of panic over interest rates, debt, rising prices or any other number of understandably worrying financial considerations. The government that tells us we are in this situation because of debt wants now to get into more debt itself, the jobless figures are rising daily, the politicians are still more interested in in-fighting than actually getting to grips with the real issues and we at the sharp end just keep on adjusting our lifestyles to accommodate!

But there are other things in life and just maybe it would be nice if occasionally we focused on those, a little time spent concentrating on what we do have rather than what we don't have might just be a nice idea and help give us the positive attitude and uplift needed to sustain ourselves through all the doom and gloom!

P.S. I love you

Fletch arrive home from work yesterday evening weighed down with bags, this is most unusual, shopping during lunch is unsurprisingly not his preference, he has 'Ms Stayathome' here for all that routine domestic malarkey stuff and so I was much intrigued.

As he walked through the door I was instructed not to go into the kitchen and to turn off my computer, the evening was to be a special one for me, I was to relax and do nothing, not so much as make a cup of coffee. This was not an instruction I found hard to comply with! Recently I have been feeling a bit less than chipper, a bit down in the mouth and miserable so himself, love him had planned a special evening in for me!

The bags contained a plethora of all my favourite foods for an indoor picnic, I love indoor picnics, including the most excellent chunk of Roquefort, which was to die for, a heap of other cheeses (you will guess I have a passion for cheeses) olives, pastrami, salami, a bottle of good wine and a big fat squishy chocolate cake!

We stuffed the picnic happily, Fletch tidied up, made coffee etc. and then pulled out of his bag of tricks a DVD, 'P.S. I love you', a film I have long wanted to see but is usually off the 'joint film watching menu'....chick flicks are for chicks he reasons! ;o) So, not only had he actually purchased a chick flick for me, he then, beyond the call of any man's duty sat and watched the whole thing, without humorous interjection, cuddled up on the sofa!

More wine was consumed, chocolate cake with the thickest cream was devoured and when the film, which I loved and cried through most of, was over we listened to music and chatted and giggled the rest of the evening away until late into the evening.

A lovely, lovely evening, I didn't lift a finger! I was stuffed full of my favourite foods, lightheaded from the wine and thoroughly cheerful.... at this point I think, if this were a 40's discreet, black and white movie the lights would go down and the credits would roll! ;o)


*P.S. I love you.

Fat face!

Sunday afternoon we took a quick trip to the Hamster treat store....somehow we managed to exit fifteen minutes later and almost £20 lighter, yes, £20 just on hamster necessities and the odd little nutritious snack!!

I am convinced that, like 'catnip' there must also be 'Hamster nip' out there, the manufacturers just don't tell us but the strangely most expensive of the fare, a wooden roll stuffed to the gunnels with a honey and carrot concoction, caused three hours of mayhem. She just would not leave it alone and instead, despite it being official hamster nighttime and the item being twice her size, she lugged it backwards and forwards, dragged it up and down, turned it over and back again and clawed, scratched and chewed at it manically until every last morsel was safely 'pouched' and removed to a safe food hiding place...all with a daft,dazed look on her fat face!

Three hours! Non stop! Pouch after pouch load...and what pouches, she looked at some stages completely and utterly deformed! Surely carrot and honey alone can't illicit such behaviour! I'm sure they must sneak into these things some highly addictive, cat-nip-like substance! ;o)

Out of the mouths of babes

Yesterday evening we and a few friends were invited for dinner at the home of another of our little 'evenings out drinking way too much gang'. This promised to be an interesting culinary experience, 'M' is originally from Dominica and had promised us all authentic Caribbean fare.

Mindful though that his own skills in the kitchen are er, 'infamous' he had charged two of his sisters with journeying up from their homes in central London to chef for the evening!....and what a grand job they did! The food was absolutely fabulous though for yours truly, a very slowly recovering, lifetime veggie, a dish of goat was just one step too far and an 'opportunity' to try something new that I bottled without hesitation!

The evening was a lovely one, much eating, drinking, laughter and stupidity though with an early moment that one just couldn't help being amused at (see, there's my sick sense of humour raising it's head again!) after the event.

One of the guests had with her her eight year old daughter, one of the most delightful children I think I have ever met. Polite, chatty, articulate and well behaved, this kid went to bed at 9 without so much as hint of nonsense, I was impressed! She had been allowed in return for her promised good behaviour to watch The X Factor. This was a 'treat' that was completely lost on me and never having seen it I asked what it was all about.

Her mother gave me a brief explanation of what it is to be an X Factor contestant, adding at the end amusingly that it seems all contestants have to, besides having some 'talent', also have a tragic life story to go with it, hopefully one assumed to illicit the sympathy vote if the talent aspect fails them!

At this point delightful small child piped in, full of jollity and in that 8 year old matter of fact way that they have, "I could be on the X Factor then, I have a tragic life story, my dad died when I was one and a half years old"!!!

*Insert moment of stunned, embarrassed silence*

Now I already knew this, but the other guests didn't, hence I managed to recover my thoughts and control my amusement at her so innocently dropping this bombshell into the middle of the previously light hearted conversation quicker than the others and hit back in that stunned moment of silence with, "ah yes, but can you sing?!"

Moment over, conversation resumed, inaudible sigh of relief around the room.

Out of the mouths of babes and all that...can't help but love it!

I can haz flowerz!

Ack!

The women among you will need no further explanation than the title! Sorry guys but this one is gonna be completely lost on you.


This little trauma, the result of an altercation with the fridge door last night, is more than annoying! ;o)

I have a complete dislike of my nails being differing lengths and so the rest had to be dealt with too....the result, I can't type (even more typos), I can't pick things up, I can't open tins and things, worse still rolling a cigarette is a feat of endurance (yes, not a very feminine passtime I know) and my finger ends, that rarely actually manage to make contact with anything because the nails are in the way, are getting sore from sudden use! I always have nails, my very dexterity depends on them!

And yes, they are real and no they aren't french manicured, they are just white like that naturally.....one of the few positive side effects of a long standing medical condition!

Ack! Ack! Ack!

Don't be fooled!

Whilst I suspect that the acquisition of a hamster in your life is probably not top priority, the slightest possibility that it may be at some point in the future requires that I warn you of a route not to take! That route is one Fletch and I fell into spectacularly.....the marketing of the required hamster 'pied a terre', specifically the 'Habitrail Ovo', must have hamster home.

It might look pretty funky as hamster homes go, it might be fun for it's resident and it might include a silent wheel but what the marketing does not tell you is that to clean it (which is a twice weekly necessity) requires it to be dismantled into this monstrous heap of 71 parts, all requiring washing, drying and then re-assembling! Really, 71 cats would be less hassle!

Un surprisingly cleaning and reassembling duties are designated as 'woman's work' in gemmak's-ville but from time to time 'himself' considers extension options and opportunities for this residence, to include further rooms for superior hamster entertainment and the ultimate hamster lifestyle.

Ummmmm.....let me think about that one! ;o)

An odd incident

I discovered yesterday, when I was suddenly witness to a slightly strange 'accident' that I have a nasty side, or at least something of a questionable sense of humour on occasion!

I had a few errands to run in town and out I went into the sunny but chilly morning to go about my business. It was quite busy, all the usual day to day goings on, nothing to report when suddenly a few feet ahead of me on the pavement all hell broke loose. Jarred out of my own thoughts by the commotion I was met with a sight that really wasn't funny at all.....but that I just couldn't help but be amused by, albeit I though better I not display my amusement at the time!

On the ground lay an elderly woman, she had it transpired been selling poppies, when some old chap riding one of those three wheeled, electric scooter thingies just drove into her like she wasn't there!

Now I know that's not really funny at all, and it became less funny as time went on and it became apparent she was actually injured quite considerably, but the mere fact that anyone could just drive one of those machines into someone and knock them over, somehow seemed to my apparently warped mind, funny at the time. I mean, you just don't see them as high powered vehicles of destruction do you!! To be honest, the only concern I had ever considered before was for those that choose to ride them on the road among traffic, which always seems tantamount to a suicide mission to me.

The situation only became worse to my strange sense of humour. An excellent first aider had appeared from out of a shop and was ministering to the lady still prone on the floor, so I asked a bystander who seemed to be involved somehow, if anyone had called an ambulance. No he said, instead he had sent someone [insert name here, I forgot the name he said but he said it like I should know whoever it was!] to 'fetch the community police officer'. Hmmmm...this just seemed even funnier, so community police officers carry spine boards and neck braces now do they? Why hadn't he just called an ambulance?

The Community bobby duly arrived.....and promptly called an ambulance, 10 minutes wasted, lady still semi conscious on the floor! Offending 'motorist' still parked up where he had come to a halt, protesting his innocence and completely blocking any access.... and first aider still trying to do her thing among all the commotion of what had now become a rather large audience.

By this time I felt I couldn't be of any help, I was just another person in the way but when I tried to leave the community bobby asked me to stay until he had taken my details as a witness, he had obviously forgotten I had already told him I didn't actually witness the incident.

A few minutes later a paramedic arrived in a car, took one look, when he could finally get to the patient via a circuitous route around the still in the way electric scooter...and called an ambulance! Crowd of rubbernecks still swelling.

Enough...I told the bobby my number and left.....with this surreal scene in my head that somehow I still couldn't help feeling had a funny side, if only because it had been so surreal!

Please, don't get me wrong, there was nothing whatsoever amusing about the poor lady who had been doing her bit on a chilly morning selling poppies, now lying injured on the ground, but the manner in which it had happened and the ensuing chaos were funny as hell.....ok, maybe I'm sick but as I walked away I caught some guy's eye and the look on his face said I wasn't the only one!

Sweet revenge!

As one who has had so much hassle with 'spam calls', we are talking 20 or more calls a day with no one on the other end here, despite registering with the appropriate authorities to have it stopped, I found this little missive that arrived in my inbox more than a little amusing!

I think we should all make a concerted effort! ;o)

GETTING OUR REVENGE ON THE TELESALES PESTS.

Three Little Words That Work!!

1. The three little words:

'Hold On, Please...'

(Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear BT's 'beep-beep-beep' tone,
you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset .... You have efficiently completed your task.

These three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting.

2. Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' salesperson to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering: If you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

3. When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mailfor everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right?

It costs them more than the regular postage 'IF' and when they are returned.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-prepaid return envelopes .

Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American Express. They might need one!

Send a pizza coupon to HSBC ... in case their canteen packs up. You get the idea.

If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them back their blank application form ... After all, it is their form!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you return.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them, and it is their envelope after all . You are just returning it!!!

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the post, but folks ..... We need to OVERWHELM them, in order to stop them.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail,and best of all they're paying for it ...Twice!

Let's help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let's help them so they will not need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work....maybe you'll get very little junk mail anymore.

Just a little bit of toast!

Unusually yesterday morning Fletch asked if I would like some breakfast, I think he had deduced by this time, it was pretty late for breakfast I have to admit, that if he wanted anything he was going to have to make it himself on this occasion, so he headed for the kitchen and the conversation went something like this;

Fletch: Do you want some toast?

Me: Yes please.

Fletch: What do you want on it?

Me: [Trying to make life simple] Anything.

Fletch: No, what do you want?

Me: Anything, really, I don't mind.

Silence....

Three minutes later this is what I got!


One slice with a pickled onion on it and another with a solitary olive sitting atop it!

Yes, very funny Fletch! ;o)

Don't you just love a smart ass!

Maru the cat

You know those days when you can think of absolutely nothing to blog...this is one of them, so instead I give you Maru the Cat, a very amusing Scottish Fold living in Japan who has his own blog and penchant for squishing himself into a tight space!



More here.

Does my bum look big in this?

For JW (you should never dare me) who requested a 'does my bum look big in this' picture of something from the 'freebie wardrobe' I acquired on Wednesday....voila, designer jeans.

Don't say I never do as I am asked! ....and don't answer the question, it was rhetorical, besides which none of me is very big..... unfortunately not even the bits I would like to be!


*Fletch, don't even think about saying it!

A birthday and a big bag!

Yesterday I went to my parents for the day. It's been way too long since I managed to get there, between holidays and hospital appointments (my dad has been a bit poorly) somehow we just hadn't managed to get together for almost two months but finally yesterday we made it at last!

The 5th November is not only Guy Fawkes night but in our family a more important date too, it is my mums birthday and as a consequence there was a small amount of celebrating to be done by way of good food, pretty fireworks courtesy of my brother who I also haven't seen for an age, and much, much gloriously extreme chocolate cake!

It was a lovely day with some serious gossiping, catching up on all things family and much laughter... and there was an added bonus for me too. My sister in law, who has a 'bob or two' and who has a penchant for designer clothing is also, as luck would have it, the same size as me and had been having one of her occasional, 'there's no room left in the wardrobe' turn-outs. This is a good thing because far from it being one of those embarrassing moments when an old aunt presents you with a bag of hideous items that would otherwise 'only go to Oxfam' that you somehow, desperately have to politely decline, my SIL's bags of 'do you want any of these, I don't have room for them' items are like an early Christmas!

.....and as a consequence I left for my long, late night drive home clutching a big bag of almost new, mostly designer gear, worth originally a four figure sum, that all fitted like a glove and that I would have chosen myself if I ever had that kind of money!

Result! :o)

He's the daddy!

For the first time in a very long while I feel a little hopeful about this world and where it might go next!

Do the Shake n Vac....

....and put the freshness back!

Remember that stuff? Shake n Vac, the cure-all for the perfect 80's housewife suffering the unimaginable traumas of pet and tobacco smells lingering in her pristine home! The stuff itself might not be remembered but the ad. campaign that accompanied it is unfortunately hard to forget. It was one of those typically naff ads of the decade that had the annoying ability to ferret it's way into our subconscious and despite our derision of it, we all whistled and hummed the damn tune for months, if not years on end! If you don't remember here's a little reminder;


Anyways, can you believe, that stuff still exists to this day! And how do I know? Because I have some, worse than that I just used it (though I promise you without the dancing or hideous skirt)....and believe me, it hasn't improved with age, the smell is more likely to cause asphyxiation than 'freshness', it's horrible.....but today is the dreaded six monthly flat inspection day and as usual I have been up since the crack of dawn with all things clean, and in theory sweet smelling, in my usual efforts to eradicate every trace of our smoking sins in a no smoking property!

I'm pretty sure I succeeded in my eradication but I suspect the heinous perfume offered up by the iconic Shake n Vac dust is probably as much an irritation for any one's alveoli as cigarette smoke and not much sweeter smelling! Did our parents really think this stuff was pleasant way back when?

...and as usual on these occasions, Hammy is in hiding in the bottom of the wardrobe and the darkness has again fooled her little nocturnal body clock resulting in much scuffling and noise making....I think perhaps she needs a little more training in the principles of a 'covert mission'!


*Oh and... GO OBAMA!!

The global economic models explained!

Probably not very politically correct but very funny! ;o)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to
a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on
one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads....
because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and
milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

Jingle freakin' bells!

It's that time of year again!

With the sound of Jingle Bells barely seeming to have stopped ringing in my ears from last years manic festive 'push', suddenly Christmas seems to be looming somewhere too close up ahead again already.

Or at least that's what the retail marketing gurus would have us believe in their now annual routine of terrified scrambling for dominance in the market share stakes and desperation to pressure us all into a life of guilt and inadequacy if we don't fall victim to their clever blackmail psychology, and spend a kings ransom on crap our loved ones probably never wanted in the first place and will likely be on eBay by boxing day anyway!

Too many years living the 'joys' of Christmas in retail of course means that none of this palaver surprises me but it never ceases to annoy me and to some degree sadden me. An enforced trip to Tesco yesterday bought it all back, which was a bad idea on any level on a Saturday and saw reduced Halloween merchandise (why do they sell that stuff? Experience tells me most of it will be sold at a loss the day after Halloween, or not sold at all and loiter in the bowels of the nations retail stockrooms gathering dust until the next Halloween non event) fighting for supremacy in the aisles already with all those things we absolutely must have to put the jingle in our Christmas bells!

Too soon, too soon was the cry.

Guys, yes, it's you lot in marketing I'm talking too....do any of you remember when Christmas was Christmas? When it was actually about joy, love and peace, even for those without a religious bent, when children got a few well considered gifts and were happy with them, when families got together around a real tree adorned with baubles and trinkets saved sentimentally from one year to the next, when tinseled lights twinkled in gaudy colours that had been lovingly placed in the annual excited tree decorating ritual were the festive decorative norm instead of designer plastic monstrosities embedded with microchip multi-function fibre optics and when Christmas started in December, not in the middle of the bloody summer!

But perhaps you don't remember, perhaps when you took your oath of allegiance to the mighty marketing dollar you chose conveniently to forget....or maybe in your unending struggle to pull the wool over our eyes, that's us, the minions you want to reel in, you just simply began to fall for your own crap!

I promise you guys just one thing this Christmas, however hard you try, I will not be so much as looking at a Christmas card for a while yet!

Humbug!

Daisy the curly cat

For those among you who like myself have something of a 'penchant' for all things feline, if you haven't met Daisy the curly cat yet I suggest you do!

Daisy is a Devon Rex who lives in Florida with her brother Harley and she is one of a kind. Daisy updates every day and never fails to brighten my morning and make me smile or laugh out loud....really if you are a cat person you have to go see for yourself what Daisy gets up to. Just to whet your appetite here is Daisy in her 'love bug' outfit!


And for those of you concerned about any welfare issues, I promise you Daisy is a very happy cat and one of the best cared for, lovely natured felines you could wish to meet and her human knows all there is to know about caring for cats :o)