I don't really know where to begin this post so I shall just type and see what lands up on the page, it's always worked before albeit in a rambling fashion at times!
Today has not been a good one. I don't know why today as opposed to any other day, the was no obvious reason but from the word go I felt as miserable as sin. Nothing specific had happened, I had nightmares all night long but in the same vein, I have no idea why after all that has gone on over the last year or two, last night I should be treated to such heinous dreams. Just one of those things maybe but whatever today was pretty crap.
Crap why? Well my head just seems to be overflowing with worries and frustrations right now.
I don't think I want or expect too much from life these days but I do have a few goals which are very important to me but no matter how I try they seem to keep eluding me.
What do I want? I want a stable, loving, mutually supportive relationship...which lasts this time, I want a home of my own, though only a tiny one and I want a cat. That's it, nothing else. It doesn't seem too much to me but maybe it is because any one of those things seems so damn hard to achieve!
Hell fire, it's over twenty months now since 'the ex' left me jobless, homeless, bankrupt and somewhat lost and in all that time I seem to have achieved little towards my goals, despite being pretty single minded and stubborn.
Ok, so I lost better part of a year in nursing my father maybe and dealing with my mother since has been pretty difficult but still, I feel I should have got further than I have.
Patience is not my forte I accept and I try to tell myself that it will all come in time but it feels like forever some days.
The minutiae of all of this is what has been filling my mind all day, trying to plot and plan, one minute feeling hopeful, the next feeling utterly overwhelmed with what feels like impossibilities, trying to think of new ways to get to where I want, trying to rationalise my situation and trying not to feel sorry for myself. At times it worked but most times it didn't.
Finally I found myself being white van woman with tears streaming down my face, not the safest or most attractive way to drive I grant you but I just couldn't stop. Between customers I was wiping my eyes and trying to look cheerful hoping no-one would notice my puffy red eyes or my snuffly sounding nose..... until I managed to force myself to see the progress I have made.
I have met a man of whom I am more than a little fond, with whom I spend a lot of time, who makes me laugh, who makes me feel human again and who is absolutely lovely and I do have hope that although it has only been three months it will continue to grow into something more.
I have got a job, which for the most part I enjoy and I have built it up to a point where my being made redundant seems unlikely anytime soon.
I have managed to save some money, not enough yet but enough to make me feel I might eventually manage to house myself if only in a room for now (hell, have you seen the prices this close to London? It's over £500pcm on average just for one room!). Yes, I would love a little flat but it's not going to happen on my wage so best I tailor my dreams on that one for now.
I have managed to get myself into a position with my siblings etc. that may enable me to move out, despite the situation with my mum.
.....and I most importantly of all I still have my dream, of a partner, a little home and a cat. As long as I can dream and believe then maybe, just maybe, some day that dream can still come true.
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
I spoke too soon!
What is it they say about pride coming before a fall?
Yesterday among my other wittering, I mentioned that work was going well.... and it was. Finally, we (that's my boss and myself) had got enough new business to warrant my employ, I was making enough money to keep the bean counters happy and all was well.
Something had to go wrong didn't it. I mean, to expect more than one good day was asking a little too much wasn't it?
What happened? Today, yes, I am well aware it is the 13th, I managed to wreck my van! Ergh....and it was all going so well.
Don't ask me how exactly, I suppose if we knew how then accidents wouldn't happen but myself and another vehicle failed to see one another and reversed into each other. Damage to his vehicle almost zero, damage to mine, probably enough to write it off and if not then it will be a close run thing.
Now here is the rub, he perhaps had some excuse, I am a small white van....I however do not, his vehicle was a bright red articulated lorry!
FFS! How on earth did I not see that???
Whatever, I didn't see him, I can only imagine that somehow he was just in my blind spot because even with the realisation that I had made signifigant contact with something, when I looked in my mirrors to see what it was, I still couldn't see him. I won't bore you with a diagram but it is feasible.....that doesn't stop me being thoroughly p*ssed off about it, or my boss with me!
One thing I notice has been consistent, I got my recent speeding ticket when I was under heavy pressure of time to make my next call and again today I was under pressure to get somewhere in a stupidly short period. driving and stress are not good companions in me it appears.
All that aside however, I hate making mistakes and I should have seen a b-i-g r-e-d t-r-u-c-k somehow! I am paid to drive, not drive into things!
Me, stiff shoulder, sore neck and very hurt pride.
Bum!
Yesterday among my other wittering, I mentioned that work was going well.... and it was. Finally, we (that's my boss and myself) had got enough new business to warrant my employ, I was making enough money to keep the bean counters happy and all was well.
Something had to go wrong didn't it. I mean, to expect more than one good day was asking a little too much wasn't it?
What happened? Today, yes, I am well aware it is the 13th, I managed to wreck my van! Ergh....and it was all going so well.
Don't ask me how exactly, I suppose if we knew how then accidents wouldn't happen but myself and another vehicle failed to see one another and reversed into each other. Damage to his vehicle almost zero, damage to mine, probably enough to write it off and if not then it will be a close run thing.
Now here is the rub, he perhaps had some excuse, I am a small white van....I however do not, his vehicle was a bright red articulated lorry!
FFS! How on earth did I not see that???
Whatever, I didn't see him, I can only imagine that somehow he was just in my blind spot because even with the realisation that I had made signifigant contact with something, when I looked in my mirrors to see what it was, I still couldn't see him. I won't bore you with a diagram but it is feasible.....that doesn't stop me being thoroughly p*ssed off about it, or my boss with me!
One thing I notice has been consistent, I got my recent speeding ticket when I was under heavy pressure of time to make my next call and again today I was under pressure to get somewhere in a stupidly short period. driving and stress are not good companions in me it appears.
All that aside however, I hate making mistakes and I should have seen a b-i-g r-e-d t-r-u-c-k somehow! I am paid to drive, not drive into things!
Me, stiff shoulder, sore neck and very hurt pride.
Bum!
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Carrying on
My current inability to blog seems to remain and despite my making every effort, I just don't seem to have the time, or if I do then anything worth blogging seems to elude me completely.
I have considered mothballing this little patch in the blogosphere, something I never thought I would dare even think but over the last few months, the fact that it's here and I don't use it, makes me feel under some odd kind of pressure and I don't need more pressure. However, I can't quite bring myself to do that and so I shall persevere and try to think of this as a 'blip', blog when I can and hope my mojo gets back on it's feet (or back from wherever it is it has been) before tooooo much longer.... because despite appearances otherwise I miss it.
So, a little update at least, nothing earth shattering, work is my saviour right now, a place to escape to and think about normal things, it's going pretty well given that a month or two ago I was looking at redundancy and I don't know what i would do without it now. Ok...blog maybe I hear you say!
Things on the homefront are still extremely difficult, I can't go into detail but my mother is still struggling badly with the loss of my father and that impacts on myself and my siblings massively one way and another. I am finding ways to cope but often times I feel pretty much overwhelmed by it, I have two choices though, get on with it or fall apart, the latter is not an option!
And finally 'N'...all is going well there, I can't imagine that we have only been an item for three months or so, it seems as thought he has always been there and whilst trying to run any kind of relationship with not one but two mothers to sort out along the way and little or no privact is 'testing', it's well worth the effort. The man is a star!
The whole 'falling for someone' thing still scares the life out of me but I am trying my best not to let past experiences with those, who shall on this occasion remain nameless (you know who I am talking about) make me too negative and live day on day without being too scared of tomorrow.
I think then that's about it, no major incidents to report but in my life I consider that a good thing.
I shall try and return soon! ;)
I have considered mothballing this little patch in the blogosphere, something I never thought I would dare even think but over the last few months, the fact that it's here and I don't use it, makes me feel under some odd kind of pressure and I don't need more pressure. However, I can't quite bring myself to do that and so I shall persevere and try to think of this as a 'blip', blog when I can and hope my mojo gets back on it's feet (or back from wherever it is it has been) before tooooo much longer.... because despite appearances otherwise I miss it.
So, a little update at least, nothing earth shattering, work is my saviour right now, a place to escape to and think about normal things, it's going pretty well given that a month or two ago I was looking at redundancy and I don't know what i would do without it now. Ok...blog maybe I hear you say!
Things on the homefront are still extremely difficult, I can't go into detail but my mother is still struggling badly with the loss of my father and that impacts on myself and my siblings massively one way and another. I am finding ways to cope but often times I feel pretty much overwhelmed by it, I have two choices though, get on with it or fall apart, the latter is not an option!
And finally 'N'...all is going well there, I can't imagine that we have only been an item for three months or so, it seems as thought he has always been there and whilst trying to run any kind of relationship with not one but two mothers to sort out along the way and little or no privact is 'testing', it's well worth the effort. The man is a star!
The whole 'falling for someone' thing still scares the life out of me but I am trying my best not to let past experiences with those, who shall on this occasion remain nameless (you know who I am talking about) make me too negative and live day on day without being too scared of tomorrow.
I think then that's about it, no major incidents to report but in my life I consider that a good thing.
I shall try and return soon! ;)
Saturday, 2 October 2010
gemmak uncovered!
Hey....nothing too exciting, don't get carried away but for me something of a significant step and one I am never sure about but in the interests of honesty etc. etc. I feel is appropriate.
I have bitten a small bullet and told 'N' the whereabouts of 'gemmak'...whether he will land up here who knows and quite what he might think of it, again, who knows, but 'N' if you do make your way here, Hello you....this is me, warts and all! ;)
I have bitten a small bullet and told 'N' the whereabouts of 'gemmak'...whether he will land up here who knows and quite what he might think of it, again, who knows, but 'N' if you do make your way here, Hello you....this is me, warts and all! ;)
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