Thank God it's Christmas!

The last few weeks have been pretty tough going in gemmak's-ville one way and another. The pressures on my time between trying function at work, take care of my mum, fit in all the getting ready for Christmas stuff and find time to spend with 'N' have been immense and there have been moments when I felt that all the balls in my personal piece of air might well come crashing down around me.

I discovered that working outside in sub zero temperatures form 5am each day fighting the the snow and ice is very hard work, I feel literally 'assailed' by the elements at the end of it and my love of snow has, I will admit has waned a little on and off. I have landed on my rear on more than one occasion, I have been cluttered up in so many layers I could hardly move, I have spent more time than I care to remember with my now trusty shovel in hand digging either my car or my van out and I have scared myself half to death hitting, black ice late at night a day or two ago and suddenly finding myself doing a rather spectacular 360 along the A40! Luckily because of the time there was little traffic around to avoid and I managed to regain control before I hit anything static either.

I don't recommend it however!

I'm reasonably experienced, I know the 'driving on ice and snow' rules and I employed the given tactics but it happened in a split second and was completely beyond my control for what felt like far too long.

Give me snow every time, it's a walk in the park in comparison to ice.

But hopefully all the hassle is over now for a while. I have twelve days off work, my mother is mainly in the care of my siblings for the next three days and I am spending Christmas with 'N'. It's still all a bit odd without my dad, he was usually the motivating force in our family Christmas's but that's a done deal, life changes and swe have to try to change with it.

All I have to attend to now is the present wrapping issue, I bought cards but they remain unwritten in boxes so my apologies if you usually get one, this year you won't. I have one or two items I need to try and buy later today and then hopefully life will calm down for a few days.


Thank God it's Christmas.....

Brrrrrrr!!

Dammit it's cold!

The last two weeks or so I have been working day in and day out, outside and the novelty of sub-zero temperatures is wearing pretty thin I can tell you. Taking the windchill factor into account, most days I have been 'enjoying' something in the region of minus 13 to 15 degrees...and I don't do cold!

Yes, I get to clamber in and out of the white van umpteen times a day but whether it's better to keep it warm or cold itself is something else that's not a cut and dried issue. if it's cold it's cold and I get no let up but if it's warm then the constant change in temperature gives me a headache. Mostly I keep it mid range and achieve nothing spectacular.

I have kitted myself out at great expense in high performance, high end, all weather gear which helps but it's still too bloody cold for words, I don't have a single draught point and only my eyes (which stream most of the time) and my finger ends are exposed but I'm still too damn cold and I bear rather too much resemblance to the Michelin WoMan!

All that and for what, we have had only two days snow....how unfair!

And yes, those of you who envied me my outdoor job in the hot summer months may now snigger heartily for now I am suffering payback!

Turning the dream around

I don't really know where to begin this post so I shall just type and see what lands up on the page, it's always worked before albeit in a rambling fashion at times!

Today has not been a good one. I don't know why today as opposed to any other day, the was no obvious reason but from the word go I felt as miserable as sin. Nothing specific had happened, I had nightmares all night long but in the same vein, I have no idea why after all that has gone on over the last year or two, last night I should be treated to such heinous dreams. Just one of those things maybe but whatever today was pretty crap.

Crap why? Well my head just seems to be overflowing with worries and frustrations right now.

I don't think I want or expect too much from life these days but I do have a few goals which are very important to me but no matter how I try they seem to keep eluding me.

What do I want? I want a stable, loving, mutually supportive relationship...which lasts this time, I want a home of my own, though only a tiny one and I want a cat. That's it, nothing else. It doesn't seem too much to me but maybe it is because any one of those things seems so damn hard to achieve!

Hell fire, it's over twenty months now since 'the ex' left me jobless, homeless, bankrupt and somewhat lost and in all that time I seem to have achieved little towards my goals, despite being pretty single minded and stubborn.

Ok, so I lost better part of a year in nursing my father maybe and dealing with my mother since has been pretty difficult but still, I feel I should have got further than I have.

Patience is not my forte I accept and I try to tell myself that it will all come in time but it feels like forever some days.

The minutiae of all of this is what has been filling my mind all day, trying to plot and plan, one minute feeling hopeful, the next feeling utterly overwhelmed with what feels like impossibilities, trying to think of new ways to get to where I want, trying to rationalise my situation and trying not to feel sorry for myself. At times it worked but most times it didn't.

Finally I found myself being white van woman with tears streaming down my face, not the safest or most attractive way to drive I grant you but I just couldn't stop. Between customers I was wiping my eyes and trying to look cheerful hoping no-one would notice my puffy red eyes or my snuffly sounding nose..... until I managed to force myself to see the progress I have made.

I have met a man of whom I am more than a little fond, with whom I spend a lot of time, who makes me laugh, who makes me feel human again and who is absolutely lovely and I do have hope that although it has only been three months it will continue to grow into something more.

I have got a job, which for the most part I enjoy and I have built it up to a point where my being made redundant seems unlikely anytime soon.

I have managed to save some money, not enough yet but enough to make me feel I might eventually manage to house myself if only in a room for now (hell, have you seen the prices this close to London? It's over £500pcm on average just for one room!). Yes, I would love a little flat but it's not going to happen on my wage so best I tailor my dreams on that one for now.

I have managed to get myself into a position with my siblings etc. that may enable me to move out, despite the situation with my mum.

.....and I most importantly of all I still have my dream, of a partner, a little home and a cat. As long as I can dream and believe then maybe, just maybe, some day that dream can still come true.

I spoke too soon!

What is it they say about pride coming before a fall?

Yesterday among my other wittering, I mentioned that work was going well.... and it was. Finally, we (that's my boss and myself) had got enough new business to warrant my employ, I was making enough money to keep the bean counters happy and all was well.

Something had to go wrong didn't it. I mean, to expect more than one good day was asking a little too much wasn't it?

What happened? Today, yes, I am well aware it is the 13th, I managed to wreck my van! Ergh....and it was all going so well.

Don't ask me how exactly, I suppose if we knew how then accidents wouldn't happen but myself and another vehicle failed to see one another and reversed into each other. Damage to his vehicle almost zero, damage to mine, probably enough to write it off and if not then it will be a close run thing.

Now here is the rub, he perhaps had some excuse, I am a small white van....I however do not, his vehicle was a bright red articulated lorry!

FFS! How on earth did I not see that???

Whatever, I didn't see him, I can only imagine that somehow he was just in my blind spot because even with the realisation that I had made signifigant contact with something, when I looked in my mirrors to see what it was, I still couldn't see him. I won't bore you with a diagram but it is feasible.....that doesn't stop me being thoroughly p*ssed off about it, or my boss with me!

One thing I notice has been consistent, I got my recent speeding ticket when I was under heavy pressure of time to make my next call and again today I was under pressure to get somewhere in a stupidly short period. driving and stress are not good companions in me it appears.

All that aside however, I hate making mistakes and I should have seen a b-i-g r-e-d t-r-u-c-k somehow! I am paid to drive, not drive into things!

Me, stiff shoulder, sore neck and very hurt pride.

Bum!

Trapped!

Monday morning (I know, I'm a bit late blogging this) I walked into work at stupidly early o'clock, bleary eyed and still struggling to get back to reality from a good weekend....to be greeted by a round of applause!

For a moment I was utterly confused, I had absolutely no idea what was going on but all soon became horribly too apparent.

We have a notice board on the wall which is used to communicate important messages and when they could manage between sniggering and smart remarks my colleagues directed me to take a look...and this is what I saw (for those who don't know, my real name is Jane):


Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Bloody marvellous!

I - do - not - need - this - right - now, I really really don't!

I have no defence in law of course, I can only assume I waswas speeding but annoyingly it was a day my boss had come out with me to attempt to sort out the logistics of my delivery round and fit in a few more drops. I was stressed, under pressure to meet an almost impossible schedule and just moments before he had told me I had three minutes left to make it to my next call.......6 miles away!

My job depends on my being able to make enough calls and take enough money.....it might not be right but it's how it is and to be fair, the more delivery drivers I talk to as I go about my days, the more it seems it's not just my employer, this issue affects all delivery drivers and many of the big multi-drop drivers only do it for a few years before they give up, citing the pressure/traffic/time issues as a reason.

Subsequent to my Monday morning discovery I have been taking much extra care to stick to speed limits but as a result I have been late to many of my calls and ultimately, if I don't take the money I don't have a job, that's the harsh reality and no amount of my knowing it's unfair is going to change that. Businesses run on profit, no profit no business and I do have some sympathy with my boss, it's tough out there right now, really tough and if he goes under so do the rest of us, catch 22!

It's the old thing about 'any job is better than no job', so in the end we do what we have to do I suppose.

However, I see little point trying to tell that to the magistrate so I will pay up and look happy and await the loading on my insurance, which I can barely afford as it stands, let alone at an increased rate.

Sometimes I feel like every time I take a step forward something happens to take me back two!

I feel the need to go find a speed trap app. for my phone/sat nav.

It's a small and spooky world!

Ok, this is going to get complicated but I will try my best to simplify it!

Firstly, for those of you lucky enough never to have become embroiled in the world of internet dating sites, you need to know that most sites allow you to join for free, what they don't allow you to do is then make more than one contact with anyone without parting with cold hard cash and there is nothing vagualy soft, squishy or romantic about dating sites, including their prices!

So....a week or two ago I was contacted by a guy I kind of liked the look of, I responded but then nothing. One is then left wondering if it's lack of interest or lack of payment but I noticed his profile said he worked in the area I deliver to each day. I contacted him again asking if he could be more specific...but again nothing and I forgot about it.

Now, about a week ago and completely unrelated, I was at work and delivering to a company when I saw a guy who I also kind of liked the look of.... but at work I look like I have just fallen out of bed (because I usually have at that hour) and so rather than trying to appear interested I do my best to fade into the background.

Today, at the same company I was serving the same guy, as I have most days over the last week or two, when inexplicably I felt a strange familiarity but dismissed it.

You know what's coming don't you?

Anyway, he left and I carried on serving customers but as I was about to drive away he came back out to my van, looked at me and said, 'you are who I think you are aren't you'? He handed me his business card, having written his personal email address on the back, asked me to mail him and vanished back into the building, leaving me red faced and very amused!

How I hadn't put two and two together sooner or recognised him I don't know but it was of course the guy from the dating site. Spooky!

Dammit, why today, when having been called at the crack of dawn by my boss asking me to get to work asap to cover someones sudden sickness, I had not so much as dragged a brush through my hair in my hurry to get to work withing twenty minutes, let alone considered what to wear or put make-up on!

Anyway, I mailed him early this evening and got a reply quickly.

I shall keep you informed..... ;)

How utterly ridiculous!

It transpires that if I could house myself on my current income, which I might add is impossible, and then if I lost my job, the state would pay to keep the roof over my head and the bills paid, at least to a point.

Nothing wrong with that perhaps but consider then that I can't afford to house myself, even in one room but I get no help, no nothing!

Now, whether one believes in the welfare state or not (and for the record I do where it is genuinely needed) this situation seems utterly, utterly stupid!

I work, I pay tax and have most of my life, I do what 'they' tell me is the 'right' thing to do (and again for the record I agree it is the right thing to do) but my mother is expected (yes, expected by the state) to put a roof over my head, at my ripe old age, but if I could find a way while I work and then render myself unemployed then my living costs would be paid.

However, I can't find a way, landlords don't take on tenants who can't pay the rent in the first place, not unsurprisingly.

Jeez. Is it any damn wonder that there are those who will work the system. It just seems all so back to front and perverse to me and the reality is, that without my family, while I work, I would quite literally be on the streets.

Perhaps I'm missing something but I don't think I am!

It makes me angry, really it does!

Meh!

It's pathetic...

...and hopeless, between getting up at the crack of dawn, working, my commitments at home and trying to stay awake I seem to have no time to blog, Twitter or pretty much anything else much these days! However, I have made it here briefly this evening.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy working and I like my job, thus far I haven't woken up with the 'ugh, it's a work day' feeling even once, I am just happy to be working and with people I like and who I get on with. It might be poorly paid and it might not be a job to die for but I love it....so I suppose it stands to reason something had to create a cloud on the horizon!

It seems that there is a distinct possibility, if not a likelihood, that I may be made redundant in a couple of months! Give me strength....how bloody typical! One step forward and two back and all of that. The thought of returning to being unemployed horrifies me but I might just have to get used to it again apparently.

I won't bore you with the details for now, I am too fed up to go into the minutiae right now, maybe it won't happen but given the last couple of years you can understand why I am tending to expect the negative on this one.

We shall see.....

Meh!

It's been...

...a pretty hectic week but I think I am finally getting to grips with the working thing!

I still feel half asleep much of the time and it's not helped by my inability to actually sleep when I fall into bed but it is beginning at least, to feel like the norm to be back working.

I just don't seem to be able to fit stuff in like I used too, hence my almost complete absence from here and similar absence from all my usual old haunts, Facebook, Twitter etc..... dammit, I don't even remember to answer half of the text messages I receive, unheard of in gemmak's-ville, I'm usually the one that replies annoyingly quickly!

Other news, er... not much, though I did go out with a friend last night who had an amazing piece of very touching news while we were together, I can't give you details but it was massive, tear invoking stuff and left me, even by proxy, feeling pretty emotional and with something of a renewed sense of life occasionally being good if you give it time. Hell, I'm still smiling and feeling a bit moved and affected by it 24 hours later!

Ok, I'm a soft lump I know.

Right then, I will try and do better here after this poor, almost post-less week but no promises just yet!

Is it really possible...

.....to be this tired??

I know I get up early for work now and I know I'm not as young as I used to be or used to working but hell fire, by 9pm every evening I am fit for nothing this last week or two and it doesn't seem to be improving any!

Add to which last night I couldn't sleep for the heat, despite feeling completely knackered, and managed only about two hours.... and tomorrow morning I have to be up at 4.30am!

How long does this working malarkey take to get used to, does anybody know?? ;)

Incidentally, all things considered I am loving it, as far as work goes it's not bad and it's fab to feel vaguely normal again at least in one respect. It might not solve all my current problems and it might not be the job of a lifetime and one I can stay with forever but it's a start, it gets me out of the house and into the real world meeting people and whilst it doesn't offer a kings ransom for a salary it does offer more than the dole and I no longer have to tolerate the humiliation and prejudice that 'signing on' involves! :)

A hit man, a bloody nose and other stuff!

Marvellous, so I blog my sixth blogiversary and the number of posts I have had you all suffer in that time and then what....damn all, I go awol, a most unimpressive start to my seventh year I would say! ;)

Ok, so I'm going to make an excuse.....I am bloody knackered, completely and utterly knackered, worn out, tired and longing for a lie in but hell I'm loving being back at work. You just don't know how horrible not working is until you do it long term, really, I know we all moan and groan about going to work and I'm sure I will be just the same in a few weeks time but still, work is about so much more than money.

Excuses over with and what can I tell you, well the last time I did this job it was pretty different to this but I'll go into that another time when my eyelids are more operational but a few points of note and minor amusement from my life this week are;

1. I tried to exit a revolving door at the entrance of one of my customers posh offices and managed to attempt my exit one 'turn' too soon, straight into a glass wall....a small nose bleed and feeling of complete stupidity followed! What can I say, the glass was clean, it was sunny, it was a mistake anyone could make, but it had to be me!

2. I had a very near miss with a Lamborghini!!! Disaster was averted with only a split second to spare thankfully, not sure that claim would have impressed the new boss too much.

3. I have learned to go for four hours without a cigarette! Please don't anyone say if I can do that I can stop. I can't, you haven't witnessed me at the end of the four hours....but I can do the four hours and I'm kinda pleased about that alone.

4. The latest (nearly)dating disaster involved a guy who after much chatting and appearing to be intellectual, very amusing and very nice.....began telling me he was a hit man/mercenary (WTF) and trying to support his claim with quite convincing and worrying documentation!! Moreover, when I expressed a lack of interest he was surprised!! Sorry sunshine but you either kill for money and I'm not interested or you are a sad fantasist and I'm still not impressed. Jeez, there's always one isn't there but why do so bloody many of them seem to track me down??

I hasten to add I didn't ever get beyond the internet stage, even I am not that daft!

So, that's about it then, that's the best I can do in the way of an update for today! :)

Which way is up?

It's been a very odd week, very odd indeed and I feel completely out of any small comfort zone I may have once inhabited!

Getting a job and starting work is of course good and in the main I have enjoyed it but I am a creature of habit and the whole messing up of my, albeit previously very boring, routine has reduced me to some degree of not knowing which way is up, if in fact there is an 'up' at all! I feel like I'm treading water in a thick fog somewhere utterly strange to me and it's all a bit unnerving to be honest.

Add to that my home 'situation' remains very difficult, probably more so for my being out all day working and I have had one or two things going on in the background that I can't or don't want to go into here but which I've found pretty difficult and upsetting.

Everything has seemed to happen at once, nothing happened for months and then in the space of a week everything has changed, well ok, not everything of course but right now it feels pretty much like it and I feel pretty alone trying to get a handle on it all.

Mostly I suppose I just wish at the moment I had someone to go home too, talk things over with and to give me a cuddle.

But you know what they say......'if wishes were horses' and all that, so best I just get on with it.

Week one survived!

Well, that's the first week over and despite the extreme tiredness and the stress of trying not to mess up I will confess to having enjoyed being back at work!

I'm sure in time like everyone I will grumble before long that I don't want to go to work on the odd occasion but if I do, please someone, just remind me how it was when I didn't!

So, the first week was a bit fraught but by today I felt like I had it sorted, I didn't get lost, didn't miss any customers and made every call on time....that said my bottom line wasn't as good today, which was my first day alone, so I'm a bit disappointed and worried that will be viewed negatively. I really wanted to do everything well today but I suppose I can't have it all so fingers crossed that next week the sales aspect improves because I have a two week probation period to complete...eeeekkkkk!

For the very last time....

....I walked OUT of the DWP - AKA 'The dole' - office this afternoon having signed the appropriate piece of paper to say I have a job!!! Yayyyy.

As I walked past the security guard on my way out, who over time I have had some banter and a few jokes with, I punched the air and he simultaneously 'whooped', we appeared to attract stern looks from the supervisor but I don't think either of us much cared!

It's over, no more of that particularly unpleasant brand of condescension, no more assumptions that I don't want to work or that I am a lower form of life and no more feeling quite so useless and on occasion being told so.

It's over, well an truly over, I am old enough and ugly enough to never say never but if I have a say in the matter I won't ever be going to that place again.... either logistically or emotionally!

I've still got a long way to go to feel I have my life back anywhere like on track and it's patently obvious I'm not used to working by the degree of utter knackered-ness I feel these last few days but it's a start and those few moments walking out of the dole office, albeit short lived for other reasons, were worth any amount of feeling tired!

How tired?

Just a quickie....work was good, seem a nice bunch of people, the day flew by but I am soooo not used to this working malarkey and I don't remember the last time I was this tired.

Tomorrow and Wednesday are the real test however so I need my bed, NOW!

Back to work!

Today is my first day, I start at 6.30am, I'm as nervous as hell, terrified I'll get lost, or forget my route or mess up in some other way and my head's not in an entirely good place after yesterday's debacle.... but I expect that's all pretty normal.

I don't quite know what my new routine will be like or when I'll next get to blog but hopefully in a day or two I'll have myself in some semblance of order and I won't be gone for long!

You should be so lucky eh? ;)

I GOT IT!

Today, unusually for me these days, is worthy of two posts, the reason....

finally, amazingly, utterly surprisingly I am at last gainfully employed!! Yayyyyy!!!

Will wonders never cease?!

And so the amusing bit I referred to in a recent post...this job is a repeat of the last one, another white van from hell (yes really) only this time hopefully just the white van minus at least some of the 'hell' aspect.

Again I will be delivering lunch time delicacies to many and various, though this time it's white collar as opposed to building sites, it's some distance from home and the employer is not only a much more professional outfit than the last bunch of cowboys but they are also their direct competition which adds a little interest!

Ok, so not much of a job but it's a job, it's not quite full time but it has potential and if today's trial is anything to go by they are a nice group of people....again unlike the last lot.

So that's it, I have a job, it's a starting point and it gives me back a little of my self respect if nothing else.

Oh....and tomorrow is date number two with the new guy!

Things are hopefully beginning to change.....

The job thing!

Well then, I went for the interview on Wednesday as planned and it went particularly well, remarkably well in fact even if I do say so myself.... and today I will join my prospective new boss for the day to shadow him, and for the both of us to see how it works out.

More than that I don't know at this stage, I haven't been offered the job as such yet but I am, let's say, cautiously optimistic.

I won't tell you what, when, where, how etc. at this stage,that might be tempting fate, if I get it I will divulge all then. It's not a fantastic job by any stretch of the imagination but it does have an ironically amusing aspect to it!

So....that's it, today at least, I am off to work for the day, it all feels pretty strange after so long and somewhat nerve-wracking but hey.....my nerves have been wracked before one way and another recently, this is not a new phenomenon....... ;)

The crap car, the date and an interview!

Tired, late night, this will be short and to the point;

The car pulled in an MOT fail but thankfully not too bad a fail. The bits that required fixing to limp it through a retest have been done and later today I should secure the much needed pass certificate.

The date was unusually successful, a good time was had, more if progress is made, let's face it, we have been this far before!

....and suddenly I have an interview today, more on that if it works out. This time I think I am maybe in with more chance but the situation is pretty amusing, again, more another time!

Homeward bound

Today I go back home, my holiday is over, this is not a good thing as you can imagine!

My motivation to get packed up and hit the road is what one might call virtually non existent, life has felt pretty 'normal' and happy the last fortnight and I suspect that is about to change.

On a more positive note I have found a few jobs to apply for and managed to get myself through one interview, one may not be many but in comparison to opportunities of late, it's a 100% improvement!

Ok, I have the hump today, best I shut up and just concentrate on getting my head back around reality....