It is a good thing....

....to realise that he who broke your heart and shattered your life is no longer the last thing on your mind as you fall asleep at night or the first thing on your mind as you wake up each morning!

A very good thing. :o)

Autumn sunset!

This evening....




(Clickable)

All grown up!

Remember these?....


Well they turned into these....


More here.

I haz a happy.....

....I'm not altogether sure why ahem,but I woke up this morning feeling particularly smiley and of late this isn't the usual condition in which I find myself, in fact it's most odd!

And better still, despite things going on around me doing their level best to reverse my current unexpected state I seem to be able, for now at least, to rise above it all and hang onto my happy! :o))


Long may it last....

The song in my head.....

I need...

...me one of these! :o)

In the absence...

...of there still not being anything in my head worth blogging and given I haven't done a meme for a while, I thought I would cheat and steal this one from Lisa! I won't be so unkind as to tag anyone but feel free.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
7:00....I overslept again!

2. How do you like your steak?
I'm veggie, steak, Bleugh! Moo.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Batman...not my choice I might add!

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Q.I. and my guilty secret, Corrie.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Maybe Switzerland.

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Coffee and more coffee. Is there another option?

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Italian.

8. What foods do you dislike?
Brussels sprouts

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
Anywhere I don't have to cook it.

10. Favorite dressing?
Can't say I have one.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Saxo when I can't avoid it, 207 mostly.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Anything fleece.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
U.S. or Africa.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Ask me another time!

15. Where would you want to retire?
Wherever the person I love is....on the very rash assumption that person exisits.

16. Favorite time of day?
Late evening.

17. Where were you born?
Buckinghamshire, U.K.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Gymnastics...does that count?

19. Bird watcher?
Kinda.

20. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night.

24. Pets?
None....don't go there, sore point.

25. Any new and exciting news that you’d like to share?
Exciting...what's exciting then?

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Be a cop.

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Feeling secure.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Cat.

29. Are you married?.
Can I ignore this please? :o/

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Yes.

31. Been in a car accident?
Yes, only minor though.

32. Any pet peeves?
'Dithering' drivers....the gas is on the right, just make a decision and use it dammit!.

33. Favorite pizza topping?
Olives.

34. Favorite Flower?
Freesia.

35. Favorite ice cream?
Not keen on ice cream...it hurts.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Pizza Hut.

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?
None.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Um....prefer not to divulge that.

39. At which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
You mean if I had one...anywhere 'gadget'.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Yes....don't go there.

41. Fly much?
Some.

42. Broccoli?
Green and bumpy.

43. What was your favorite holiday?
Touring Europe by motorcycle.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
5th.

45. What are you listening to right now?
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

46. What is your favorite color?
Pink or black...I know, I know, black isn't technically a colour.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
NONE!

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
I’m guessing 10.32am

50. Coffee Drinker?
Hell yeah, is my staple diet.

Move on!

I can't for the life of me remember where I found this but it appealed greatly to my current state of mind, albeit I probably don't abide by it's sentiment as much as I should!

The single thing

When I was thrust back into a life of single-dom so perfunctorily almost six months ago I thought I might just keel over and die, that my life was over and that I would never recover but whilst it has been and continues to be, without doubt, one of the toughest times of my life, I have faced tougher both before and, as it has transpired, since and I have thus far survived. I may be a whole lot more cynical and little more battle scarred but despite it all I can begin to see that there are a few positives I didn't expect.

I really wasn't born to be single, it doesn't suit me, I don't like sleeping alone or waking up alone, I don't like having no-one to share the day to day stuff with, conversations about the minutiae of life and shared experiences, I'm a tactile soul and I miss touches and cuddles (minds out of the gutter please guys), I'm not keen on doing everything on my own, I miss having someone to care for and take care of and I miss being cared for, but I do like feeling I can be me!

I like that I can be who I really am, I don't have to live up to the expectations of someone else, I don't have to consider what I do or where I go, I can do what I want when I want (ok, so current circumstances are restricting but that's an entirely different issue), I can say what I want too to whom ever I want to, I don't have to pretend to be anything I'm not, I can be honest with myself, I don't have to feel inadequate or stupid or make excuses for who I am or why I am, I can just be me and if that doesn't suit some then so be it.

I really didn't realise quite how much of who me is I had compromised over time and how much I wasn't impressed with who I was turning into...it's only with the benefit of hindsight (ok and some counselling) that I can now see what was happening.

I don't of course have all the answers and for the most part I particularly dislike this single thing, I detest feeling so lonely, but it has made me more self-aware and I have learned and gained from it in an obtuse way. Yes of course I would love to meet my 'Mr Almost Perfect' but one thing is for sure, if I do he will have to like who I really am next time and accept that I don't actually want to be someone else!

Brave words perhaps from one usually so pathetically given to the 'state of wimp' and much of the time I probably don't believe it myself.... but that I can at all, even just now and then, I count as a positive thing and some measure of my ability to dig my heels in when things get tough.

The logistics of poorly

It has become apparent to me over the last few months taking care of TP that where chronic severe illness is concerned one is required to have skills way and above those of a good bedside manner and a strong stomach!

The N.H.S. is fantastic in many ways, the knowledge and excellence of the professionals is second to none,the care shown by nursing staff is the same and the facilities, even in this age of complaining that nothing is ever good enough are pretty phenomenal for a service, which at the point of delivery is free.

However, trying to negotiate and manage all of this has become a full time job for me and one which if there were a job description might include;

An ability to communicate at all levels, at least three years management experience in a similar role, administration skills, a degree in pharmacology, an understanding of oncology and physiology, enjoy working under pressure and in a challenging environment and ability to work well alone or as part of a team.

This is not a complaint, if there is someone in my position to do this stuff then why should N.H.S resources be used when they could instead be available to fund more critical care to someone else, but I do wonder how anyone, elderly and or very ill without support, might manage to co-ordinate the numerous necessary services and appointments that it is required to negotiate for appropriate care to be delivered.

I have a file over an inch thick now of associated paperwork all at some stage of action, spreadsheets for drugs and chemo. regimes, lists of people I need to call for various reasons, references for reading I need to find time for to better understand what I am dealing with and consequently not mess up badly or dangerously and appointments requiring attending....and each two hour appointment in reality is a whole day once the travelling and waiting times are taken into consideration.

And I thought I was unemployed! I may not be salaried but the reality is that whilst the service delivered by the health authority is, from a medical point of view pretty amazing, the majority of the time I am left to my own devices with half knowledge trying to manage a situation that I am far from qualified to understand and which requires I make decisions, that if I mess up could be at lest life-altering for TP.

It's a mad, mad world!

Or at least that of me and mine is at the moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing seems 'normal', each day we wake, if in fact we slept at all in the first place, not knowing quite what will come next or what the day might bring.

Nothing remains static, plans are made, broken, re-made, re-broken time and time again as the situation changes, we swing from moments of relative calm to moments of urgency without warning, we have to make life altering decisions for which we are often ill prepared almost daily and often without preamble and we have to have conversations that no one should ever have to have.

Life is a bizarre state of manic limbo, a dream or a nightmare, some kind of psychedelic trip that changes constantly, punctuated with unfamiliar sights and sounds, but which it is impossible to get a firm grasp of. There is never time to become accustomed to one set of circumstances before somehow, without warning, it has morphed into a different unrecognisable thing that requires to be reacted too and accepted in an instant.

Time is an irrelevance, life follows no usual chronological pattern, sleeping, eating, planning, talking, the logistics of managing the situation, all happen as and when the circumstances demand. People come and go, the professionals dispensing hard won wisdom and knowledge that our minds and intellect scramble to understand quickly enough and visitors, well meaning, provide cheerful distraction but disrupt the tenuous and fragile status quo and leave more questions in their wake.

It's a mad, mad world.

Short dog, steri-strips and sleep!

Meet Alfie, AKA 'short dog', the reasons being obvious, he like myself is somewhat challenged in length of leg!

He belongs to my brother (@Mattyboy500), who is enjoying a weekend away and I as a consequence have been charged with the sole care of short canine creature. It has had it's 'moments'.


Short dog has three philosophies in life.


The first is that he would like please, to be walked for at least half the day and that he will pull on his lead for the entire time, the second, that he requires me not ever to be out of his sight for more than a millisecond and the third, that sleeping is a full body contact sport! The result is that he sleeps very well whilst I lie awake all night trying to ignore the fact that he feels it necessary to squish the length of his hot furry little body as tight up against me as he possibly can, my arms and shoulders ache like hell from the pulling and I can't even go to the bathroom without company!

He's fabulous and lovely and cute... but it takes a little getting used to, I feel like I have a permanent shadow.

Add to that we had a minor mishap last night when I managed to extricate myself from him for a few minutes while my mother entertained him in the garden. I had barely got to the top floor of the house when I heard my mother, in her best,'I'm trying not to sound panic stricken but would you come and help me NOW' voice, calling me.

Back down the stairs I raced imagining something wrong with my father who is suffering the after effects of the latest bout of chemo, to find nothing of the sort, but that short dog had made a slight 'miscalculation of claw' whilst playing and had caused a reasonably unpleasant laceration to my mothers forearm.

My nurses hat, only briefly removed from my head was rapidly shoved back in place while I hunted for steri-strips and dressings.... said dog looked on wondering why all play had been stopped!

Bless!

(Click for the big ones)

One hundred things

Having realised it's over two years since I last updated this, I considered it was about time I made an effort!

1. I was born on the 13th...... kinda says it all!

2. I detest dishonesty.

3. I don't have children.

4. I used to be a competetive gymnast.

5. I'm passionate about London.

6. I'm 5' tall......or short!

7. I consider chocolate a food group.

8. I miss my cats.

9. What did I want to be when I grew up? A cop.

10. Football bores me rigid.

11. I have moved house 8 times in 10 years.

12. Coffee is imperative in my life!

13. but never instant!

14. I have ridden a motor bike way too fast, way too often.

15. I adore all animals.

16. but I'm terrified of spiders.

17. I have a loud voice for a small person!

18. I'm impulsive....or stupid, I'm still working on that one.

19. I once had to photograph someone famous... and ran out of film!

20. I adore the sea.

21. I can 'talk the hind legs off a donkey'.

22. I'm 'gobsmacked' when I meet someone famous.

23. My favourite colour is pink.

24. I'm a dress size 8....but I wouldn't dream of wearing a dress except under extreme duress!

25. I love extreme weather.

26. Dentists scare the crap out of me!.

26. I'm over-sensitive.....and I wish I wasn't.

27. Money isn't very important to me, luckily!

28. I don't hold grudges.

29. I'm not impressed by wealth/power/status etc.

30. I'm agnostic.

31. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life......but rarely seem to have learnt from them.

32. I follow my heart not my head.

33. I'm sentimental.

34. My perfect job would be in a field where economic gain was not the #1 priority.

35. I love Cornwall and The Alps.

36. I would like to be 35!

37. My dad is my hero...yes, a bit Freudian I know.

38. I smoke........please don't nag!

39. My favourite foods are green olives, fresh Parmesan, Walkers smokey bacon crisps and chocolate.

40. I love snow, the more the better.

41. I wish I had gone on to university.

42. I weigh 7.5 stone.

43. I knew Harold Shipman professionally

44. I wish I understood stuff.

45. I love flying.

46. I'm a gadget freak, when I can afford to be.

47. I've been veggie most of my life.

49. I'm gradually learning to be 'tall'.

50. I would like to be well read but I'm not.

51. I would like to understand politics but I don't.

52. My life tends to be an open book.

53. I have been married and divorced twice, not my proudest moment. (s).

54. I don't like shopping, yes, really.

55. I have never done drugs.

56. I consider my Internet friends real friends.

57. I have size 2 feet.

58. I always try to keep everyone happy.....but usually fail dismally.

59. I have never been arrested.

60. I believe we are all a product of our life experience and consequently there are very few truly evil people.

61. I passed my driving test 1st time.

63. I wear my heart on my sleeve...but I'm beginning to think that's a bad idea.

64. Despite years on a motorbike I have only ever had one speeding ticket...in a car at 41mph!

65. I owe my life as I know it to Mary (she knows who she is).

66. Peculiarly.... I still believe In marriage.

67. ....and true love, though it's getting harder.

68. I hate cruelty.

69. Money is the root of all evil, closely followed by religion.

70. I barely watch TV.

71. I have been caught up in two terroroist (I.R.A.) bombings.

72. I slept on the pavement under Big Ben the night before Princess Diana's funeral.

73. Embarrassingly my father had to set up my first computer.

74. My favourite film is Last of the Mohicans.

75. I think too much.

76. I'm impatient.

77. I want to travel the world, preferably on a motorbike.

78. I have an absolute passion for diamonds.

79. but I'm not very materialistic otherwise.

80. Because I'm always asked.... the real 'gemmak' was my first cat. She lived to be 19 and was beautiful.

81. I miss my grandmother.

82. I aggravate others by driving slowly on small roads for fear of hitting an animal!

83. I'm very squeamish.

84. I love people watching.

85. I would like to be top at something.

86. I don't do cooking.

87. I hope I have integrity.

88. I don't do the lottery because I don't want to win it (see #69)

89. I love art galleries and museums.

90. I'm fiercly loyal.

91. I have been tee total since age 20....but I'm learning not to be!

92. I want to give up smoking but doubt I ever will.

93. I wish clothing designers would accept we are not all tall.

94. I always back the underdog.

95. I don't suffer fools gladly.

96. My pet hate is discrimination...in any form.

97. I can still do the splits.

98. I am obsessive.

99. I can do big decisions but struggle with the little ones.

100. I'm hard to offend but easy to hurt.