I'm loathe to admit it but I'm doing that girl thing, the one I always told myself I wouldn't. Grrrrrr @ me!
Each time my phone rings, each time it bleeps cheerfully at me signalling I have mail, each time it squeaks the receipt of a text...
When the doorbell rings, when I see a dark blue M5 on the road, or a guy of similar stature from the corner of my eye.....
Just for a moment my tummy somersaults ever so slightly and I wonder if it's 'him'.
It isn't of course, because we know that if he was that into me he would have already called but that modicum of logic doesn't seem to affect the emotional knee jerk reaction as it should!
I really wasn't designed for this dating game malarkey, I don't do games, they confuse me and this one I find particularly confusing and more so in that it has tangled me into this embarrassingly adolescent behaviour.
Goddammit man just call will you!
Monday, 31 August 2009
Saturday, 29 August 2009
I want a happy!
It gets increasingly difficult to think of anything to put here lately, it's not that I don't have things I would like to get 'out there', more that mostly it's just not appropriate, let's face it, no one wants to hear a constant stream of doom and gloom...and most of what is going on in my life at the moment hardly qualifies as cheerful stuff.
It's been five months now since 'himself' dispatched me so unceremoniously and I think I can safely say it has been one of the toughest, if not the toughest few months of my life. Me and mine have seemed barely to have a moment to come to terms with one sad debacle before the next is upon us, and whilst I think in the main I am over my broken heart and the man himself, it wasn't a good spring board from which to have to face all that has followed.
I live in hope of course but my ability to remain upbeat is gradually being eroded, for the most part I am either dealing with pretty negative stuff at the moment, sadness, stress, disappointment, it's been one hell of a roller coaster and I find that my most common state of mind is sadness. This is not depression, I know depression, this is rather just a feeling that where once there were always positive things I could try to focus on, now they are very few and instead of employing that coping strategy, in the absence of happy things to concentrate on I just have to keep my head down and keep on keeping on.
There was a moment there where I felt almost normal, a very brief foray into the world of dating but that turned into yet another abortive disaster and only served to remind me just how far from what I would like it to be, my life currently is and to leave me feeling stupid and a little more battered.
Not only here is it hard to find anything to say, I find that when I do go out I have precious little to talk about because I don't do anything, or at least not anything that makes good copy over dinner, let's face it, cancer stats, chemo regimes and the twice weekly trundle around Waitrose do not make for thrilling conversation!
In short, selfish as it may sound I'm getting pretty tired now of feeling sad, of feeling like I'm existing rather than living and just plodding on directionless. It can't be helped I know and I would rather be doing what I am than having someone else have to do it but it doesn't change the reality.
I know, I know, there are those that have a much harder time than I currently am and I appreciate that but with the best will and intent in the world, knowing that doesn't always help. I know we are supposed to say it does, and at times it does of course but the honesty is that sometimes it just doesn't.
I want a happy soon!
(See, I told you it would be doom and bloody gloom!)
It's been five months now since 'himself' dispatched me so unceremoniously and I think I can safely say it has been one of the toughest, if not the toughest few months of my life. Me and mine have seemed barely to have a moment to come to terms with one sad debacle before the next is upon us, and whilst I think in the main I am over my broken heart and the man himself, it wasn't a good spring board from which to have to face all that has followed.
I live in hope of course but my ability to remain upbeat is gradually being eroded, for the most part I am either dealing with pretty negative stuff at the moment, sadness, stress, disappointment, it's been one hell of a roller coaster and I find that my most common state of mind is sadness. This is not depression, I know depression, this is rather just a feeling that where once there were always positive things I could try to focus on, now they are very few and instead of employing that coping strategy, in the absence of happy things to concentrate on I just have to keep my head down and keep on keeping on.
There was a moment there where I felt almost normal, a very brief foray into the world of dating but that turned into yet another abortive disaster and only served to remind me just how far from what I would like it to be, my life currently is and to leave me feeling stupid and a little more battered.
Not only here is it hard to find anything to say, I find that when I do go out I have precious little to talk about because I don't do anything, or at least not anything that makes good copy over dinner, let's face it, cancer stats, chemo regimes and the twice weekly trundle around Waitrose do not make for thrilling conversation!
In short, selfish as it may sound I'm getting pretty tired now of feeling sad, of feeling like I'm existing rather than living and just plodding on directionless. It can't be helped I know and I would rather be doing what I am than having someone else have to do it but it doesn't change the reality.
I know, I know, there are those that have a much harder time than I currently am and I appreciate that but with the best will and intent in the world, knowing that doesn't always help. I know we are supposed to say it does, and at times it does of course but the honesty is that sometimes it just doesn't.
I want a happy soon!
(See, I told you it would be doom and bloody gloom!)
Thursday, 27 August 2009
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
The man thing!
Ok, I suspect we girls all do this one time, the 'man rant' and today its my turn... so sorry guys, no offence intended but from where I'm standing you are a pretty confusing lot.
Or maybe it's not confusion, maybe it's just frustration (and no, before one of you makes a wise crack not that kind of frustration, so don't go there) but whatever it is, I swore blind I wouldn't ever be one of those women who said, carte blanche, that men were a pain in the butt, self centered, sex obsessed, insensitive gits....recent experience however is teaching me otherwise!
I'm trying, honestly, I - am - trying not to tar everyone with the same brush but it's getting harder by the day, I don't want to view the male of the species in that negative manner but thus far, my recent forays into the world of men has done little to dispel my growing cynicism.
I didn't think I was naive but perhaps that was an error on my part, I thought that grown men behaved like grown men, perhaps had learned to communicate better than historically we jokingly (well I thought it was a joke, see maybe I am naive) believed and had learned that girls have minds along with bodies, apparently however I was mistaken. I wouldn't mind but I'm hardly sex-siren material!
I'm no prude and I hope I'm a realist but hell fire, it would be kind of nice if at least a 'hello' and one drink preceded attempts to get my kit off and if communication came in the form of words as opposed to what appear to be impossibly confused, random signals!
Maybe it's just me but..... ack! Feel free to argue your case guys, I would love to be wrong!
Or maybe it's not confusion, maybe it's just frustration (and no, before one of you makes a wise crack not that kind of frustration, so don't go there) but whatever it is, I swore blind I wouldn't ever be one of those women who said, carte blanche, that men were a pain in the butt, self centered, sex obsessed, insensitive gits....recent experience however is teaching me otherwise!
I'm trying, honestly, I - am - trying not to tar everyone with the same brush but it's getting harder by the day, I don't want to view the male of the species in that negative manner but thus far, my recent forays into the world of men has done little to dispel my growing cynicism.
I didn't think I was naive but perhaps that was an error on my part, I thought that grown men behaved like grown men, perhaps had learned to communicate better than historically we jokingly (well I thought it was a joke, see maybe I am naive) believed and had learned that girls have minds along with bodies, apparently however I was mistaken. I wouldn't mind but I'm hardly sex-siren material!
I'm no prude and I hope I'm a realist but hell fire, it would be kind of nice if at least a 'hello' and one drink preceded attempts to get my kit off and if communication came in the form of words as opposed to what appear to be impossibly confused, random signals!
Maybe it's just me but..... ack! Feel free to argue your case guys, I would love to be wrong!
Saturday, 22 August 2009
What's the opposite of....
...the Midas Touch? Whatever it is I seem to have a penchant for it recently!
I am having one of those times in my life over the last week or two, where no matter what I do or how hard I try to get it right, whatever 'it' may be, I do precisely the opposite....and get it completely and utterly wrong!
It doesn't really matter what it involves, if I have a hand in it, it will go pear shaped almost instantly and my apparently inane ability for 'getting it wrong' just seems to improve by the day.
I know I have some issues going on here at the moment that are hard at times to deal with but those aside, seemingly most other aspects of my life are determined to mess up, whatever effort I make to try and ensure otherwise.
Sometimes I just so don't understand stuff. P*ssed off? Who me?
Meh!
I am having one of those times in my life over the last week or two, where no matter what I do or how hard I try to get it right, whatever 'it' may be, I do precisely the opposite....and get it completely and utterly wrong!It doesn't really matter what it involves, if I have a hand in it, it will go pear shaped almost instantly and my apparently inane ability for 'getting it wrong' just seems to improve by the day.
I know I have some issues going on here at the moment that are hard at times to deal with but those aside, seemingly most other aspects of my life are determined to mess up, whatever effort I make to try and ensure otherwise.
Sometimes I just so don't understand stuff. P*ssed off? Who me?
Meh!
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Monday, 17 August 2009
...and I quote
Thieved from @Gerrigee on twitter last night, no idea where it originally came from but I like it!
"What most people need to learn is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things."
Anon
Anon
Saturday, 15 August 2009
What can I say?
I suppose the most honest thing would be to say, yes I know , I am still being a bad blogger but sometimes there just isn't room in my tiny mind for anything more than those things I have to give priority too. Now is one of those times!
Life is all pretty surreal right now. It seems to consist mainly of massive up's and down's on a roller coaster that we thought we had all disembarked from just weeks ago, this time however it's a bigger one and it's pretty scary. We seem almost daily to have to make some pretty major decisions and to take responsibility for things we aren't really equipped to deal with.... and I feel like I'm watching myself doing it all from outside somehow. It's very odd.
On a happier note, I did make it to Thursday's 'tweetup' in Soho. I love London, everything about it and it was nice to just get out for a while. I got the tube into town early and wandered around aimlessly for a while just enjoying my surroundings, before making my way to where we had all arranged to meet.
It was a fab evening and it was good to put some faces to names at last and to be able to talk face to face for once, yes, surprisingly I can still remember how to communicate minus a keyboard, though I will admit it was quite peculiar for a minute ot two! ;o)
Life is all pretty surreal right now. It seems to consist mainly of massive up's and down's on a roller coaster that we thought we had all disembarked from just weeks ago, this time however it's a bigger one and it's pretty scary. We seem almost daily to have to make some pretty major decisions and to take responsibility for things we aren't really equipped to deal with.... and I feel like I'm watching myself doing it all from outside somehow. It's very odd.
On a happier note, I did make it to Thursday's 'tweetup' in Soho. I love London, everything about it and it was nice to just get out for a while. I got the tube into town early and wandered around aimlessly for a while just enjoying my surroundings, before making my way to where we had all arranged to meet.
It was a fab evening and it was good to put some faces to names at last and to be able to talk face to face for once, yes, surprisingly I can still remember how to communicate minus a keyboard, though I will admit it was quite peculiar for a minute ot two! ;o)
Thursday, 13 August 2009
Twitter/blog meet tonight
This evening, courtesy of The Pink Jellybaby, a 'mini meet' has been arranged in London for bloggers and twitterers who fancy hooking up for a few drinks and a chat face to face.
Whether I would make it has been a tenuous question for obvious reasons but thus far it's looking good and hopefully I will.
If you're free tonight and you want to drop by please do, the more the merrier as they say, it's at The Crown and Two Chairmen on Dean Street W1 @ approx 18.00.
More details can be found here.
Maybe see you there!
Whether I would make it has been a tenuous question for obvious reasons but thus far it's looking good and hopefully I will.
If you're free tonight and you want to drop by please do, the more the merrier as they say, it's at The Crown and Two Chairmen on Dean Street W1 @ approx 18.00.
More details can be found here.
Maybe see you there!
Saturday, 8 August 2009
I've been...
....a very bad blogger! In fact, I have barely qualified as a blogger at all of late!
My apologies, my mind is just so full of stuff that either it isn't appropriate to put here or is just more of the same old medical malarkey that there doesn't seem to be space left in it to think of anything that seems remotely worth blogging (what's new I hear you say)!
*note to self*
Must do better....well, I will endeavour to at any rate but bear with me please while things remain a little on the fraught side here.
My apologies, my mind is just so full of stuff that either it isn't appropriate to put here or is just more of the same old medical malarkey that there doesn't seem to be space left in it to think of anything that seems remotely worth blogging (what's new I hear you say)!
*note to self*
Must do better....well, I will endeavour to at any rate but bear with me please while things remain a little on the fraught side here.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
One day at a time
Well, things are pottering along in gemmak's-ville much as you would expect, we are taking life one day at a time and getting through the tough bits as a pretty good small team.
The NHS I have to say, comes into it's own under these circumstances, the medical professionals and all the support systems have swung into action without issue and it's all pretty much running without hitch, though one does begin to feel that a degree in administration should be indicated to keep it all together! Quite how people without help manage to keep track of it all I'm not sure.
Day on day we are mostly in good spirits and despite the trials of the situation we are having a pretty good time and laughing a lot. My nurses hat is firmly positioned, though to be honest it doesn't look particularly good with jeans, and I have managed to overcome my usually extremely squeamish predilections and wield an injection or two whilst still maintaining an upright position!......be impressed please!
Tis life as they say, not always as one would choose it but life, much as we would like to think otherwise is not always entirely within our control, how we deal with it however is and things are going pretty well thus far, given the situation we are presented with.
And while I'm about it, to those of you out there who have given your, as ever, unstinting support, you know who you are and I thank you...much!
The NHS I have to say, comes into it's own under these circumstances, the medical professionals and all the support systems have swung into action without issue and it's all pretty much running without hitch, though one does begin to feel that a degree in administration should be indicated to keep it all together! Quite how people without help manage to keep track of it all I'm not sure.
Day on day we are mostly in good spirits and despite the trials of the situation we are having a pretty good time and laughing a lot. My nurses hat is firmly positioned, though to be honest it doesn't look particularly good with jeans, and I have managed to overcome my usually extremely squeamish predilections and wield an injection or two whilst still maintaining an upright position!......be impressed please!
Tis life as they say, not always as one would choose it but life, much as we would like to think otherwise is not always entirely within our control, how we deal with it however is and things are going pretty well thus far, given the situation we are presented with.
And while I'm about it, to those of you out there who have given your, as ever, unstinting support, you know who you are and I thank you...much!
Sunday, 2 August 2009
Saturday, 1 August 2009
The 'communication issue'
Yesterday was somewhat chaotic as you can imagine, caring for someone very ill at home requires a pretty large amount of organisation and there has been so much to do, so many professionals to contact and so much information to obtain that really I haven't yet had time to stop and think much. This is probably a good thing!
There is though in any situation the amusing aspects and even in this situation that applies.
TP decided yesterday morning that as we live in a three story house something needed to be done about the communication issue. The phrase 'communication issue' here refers of course to his needing to summon either myself or my mother for whatever he might need if he is on an upper level. Ever the techie, his resolution to the problem was that we should acquire walkie-talkies and so my brother was immediately dispatched to source said equipment.
Presently he returned clutching a box containing a high end version which was duly charged and 'tested'. This thing had an 8km range...and I'll give you one guess who it was got the distance end of the deal!! We of course didn't have to test it to it's maximum limit but I have to say, that having tramped a fair distance from home, testing as I went, there is no danger this thing isn't going to work within the house!!
A good idea it may very well be but there are some things you just know you are going to come to regret....and this I suspect is going to be one of them! What was wrong with an old fashioned bell? At least one could pretend not to hear that on occasion! I have informed TP that my set has an 'mute' button should he find it amusing to over use this new system! ;o)
There is though in any situation the amusing aspects and even in this situation that applies.
TP decided yesterday morning that as we live in a three story house something needed to be done about the communication issue. The phrase 'communication issue' here refers of course to his needing to summon either myself or my mother for whatever he might need if he is on an upper level. Ever the techie, his resolution to the problem was that we should acquire walkie-talkies and so my brother was immediately dispatched to source said equipment.
Presently he returned clutching a box containing a high end version which was duly charged and 'tested'. This thing had an 8km range...and I'll give you one guess who it was got the distance end of the deal!! We of course didn't have to test it to it's maximum limit but I have to say, that having tramped a fair distance from home, testing as I went, there is no danger this thing isn't going to work within the house!!
A good idea it may very well be but there are some things you just know you are going to come to regret....and this I suspect is going to be one of them! What was wrong with an old fashioned bell? At least one could pretend not to hear that on occasion! I have informed TP that my set has an 'mute' button should he find it amusing to over use this new system! ;o)
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