Progress perhaps!

Well then, perhaps, just maybe, possibly, things are beginning to move very slowly in the right direction at last!

It feels like it has been a lifetime in the coming and experience has taught me that anything could change in an instant but right now, right this moment in time, one or two aspects of my life are looking ever so slightly, up.

Firstly there's 'N', the new man in my life, it has it's complications, some of which you just couldn't make up (I'll save the details for another post) but it's good and it's getting gooder. That of course scares the life out of me in itself, for me, with good comes the fear of loss but I am trying really hard not to allow myself to fall into that trap again and to enjoy the here and now...famous last words, don't nag please, I know, self fulfilling prophecies and all that but I'm doing my best.

Secondly there is my job, which in the short term at least seems a tiny little bit more secure. I have worked damn hard to get it to where it is in the three months I have been in the position but if it keeps me employed then it's worth it. It would be nice to feel it was more secure but maybe in this day and age very few people have real job security and after all the time I spent unemployed I am just grateful to have a job at all.

Lastly there is the crap car, tomorrow (I know, Friday the thirteenth but dammit the new me is not going to worry about that....too much) it goes into a garage to have many of the multitude of now very significant and long standing problems it has, fixed. Suspension, drive shaft/CV joint yada yada yada. The bill could be horrific, possibly more than the car is worth but as a discharged bankrupt I don't have a hope in hell of buying a new one so this one is worth way more to me than it's monetary value.

...and you know the best bit? I have saved the money to pay for it myself, all of it, every last penny!

It may seem a small achievement to many but to me, after the last few years of relying on the state or friends and family, you have no idea just how good it feels! If it wipes me out again it will be worth it just for the feeling that knowing I have worked, saved and paid for it myself gives me! :)

I still have many a mountain to climb to get my life anything like where I would like it to be and the rebuilding process continues... but maybe, tentatively, things are beginning to progress in an upward direction just a little.

One small step!

Ok, so those of you who have loyally visited here over the years will already know my dire financial situation, for those who are new, I was declared bankrupt a few years ago thanks to an ex in the main, ooops did I say that out loud? and discharged early at about eight months, for 'conducting my affairs suitably'.

Bankruptcy, for those who might think it is the easy way out, is not, far from it, in fact it has caused me more difficulties on a practical level than most other things I have come up against and on an emotional level it's not a great boost to one's self esteem!

Being discharged makes precious little difference in real terms, my credit rating is shot for at least six years and my ability to rent or buy a property is almost zero via legitimate channels but today I had a small breakthrough, well for me it felt pretty big I have to admit!

Today, ta da, my bank finally reinstated my debit card, at last I don't have to carry piles of cash everywhere, I can shop online, I can shop in Tesco (or wherever) without having to add every damn item up and I no longer have panic that if I lose concentration at the petrol pumps and squirt too much gas in the tank I'm not going to have enough cash to pay with!

Believe me, in my little world this is a significant step forward and I almost feel like a normal human being again! Well, for now anyways, before you say it!

Oh...and it's not often I have had cause to thank a banking institution in my life but a big thank you to Barclays, who were the only bank that would entertain me when the going got really tough!

You rock guys!

Biting the bullet...again!

Yesterday was not a good day and today isn't showing much promise in shaping up considerably better thus far either but I'll get over it no doubt in a day or two, I usually do.

Yesterday was another in what sometimes feels like a long line of days of facing situations I either didn't want to or find particularly difficult. You would think after all the divorce, bankruptcy and housing issues over recent years I would be used to it, and I suppose I am in some respects, but somehow, at the point of impact it just doesn't get any easier!

This time it was the employment issue, or rather the distinct lack of it issue, that had to be faced and face it I did. After all the months of soul searching and moral dilemma I faced it in an hour and a half grilling at the local benefit office yesterday afternoon. I hate it! It's not the actuality of the interview that 'gets me' it's the whole issue of being stigmatised as 'benefit scum', the standing in line in a grubby office, the prying into every aspect of my life by a complete stranger and the being spoken too like a bloody idiot that really get to me. I promise you, if you haven't been through this it does damn all for your self esteem or confidence! I am not ashamed to say I drove home in a state of numbness, walked through the door and just sat down and cried and had my first 'oh so lovely' panic attack in years. Somehow, and I can't pull apart the psychology, but for me this is almost harder than standing in front of the judge being declared bankrupt ever was.

So, the outcome? I wait now for a few weeks to discover if I am to qualify for my paltry handout and for a time I'll have to get used to the standing in line and the rest of the whole demeaning, miserable carry-on. It doesn't matter how much I tell myself this isn't my fault and I should hold my head high, it still makes me feel like crap and I still know that there are people out there who judge me negatively by my employment status alone.

If there is anything positive to be taken from this it is perhaps only that at least I am now counted in Mr Brown's manipulated figures and I did come away clutching the details for a possibly suitable vacancy. And that perhaps is the only slight amusement in the whole sorry story....the position is to be 'one of them'.....a benefits agency front line interviewer!!! At least there's one growth industry!

Orange - The debacle continues

You might remember a few days ago I blogged a situation I was enduring with Orange. To re-cap briefly, they believe I owe them £30 from a broadband account I held almost three years ago in Scotland. I dispute the debt in the first instance but rather than discuss it with me, they emailed me the notification on the email address they had closed when I terminated the account and when unsurprisingly they got no response, they 'sent their boys after me', despite my having already furnishing them, on a number of occasions, with all the legally necessary information to prove that regardless of whether or not the debt was valid, it was dated prior to my being declared bankrupt and hence I wasn't liable!

But the saga continued. Orange (and their heavies) wanted hard copy but as a small act of defiance I refused to send it on the grounds that none of my real or significant creditors had required it and that the law doesn't require that I provide it either, only the details of the court and case number etc.

Not put off they continued to hound me two or three times a day, including Christmas eve and boxing day, I reminded them that to hassle me 'post bankruptcy' is contrary to the bankruptcy laws, but still they continued, so finally I just stopped answering their calls.

Next, given a few weeks to calm down I decided that to capitulate was probably the sensible way to resolve the situation....and sent them hard copy, with a covering letter expressing my feelings regarding their behaviour and requesting confirmation in writing that the matter was now closed.

No response! Well actually there was a response....a company of bailiffs contacted me....may I remind you this is all over just £30! They however acted within the law and once I had given them the bankruptcy case details they backed off, almost as confounded as me by Orange's actions.

Enough already! With my hackles raised once more I contacted Orange's bully boy company again.....and it will come as no surprise to you to discover they deny ever having received the hard copy! Any degree of patience I had retained was lost at this point and whilst I stuck to the basic rules of remaining polite and calm I 'let them have it with both barrels' so to speak and then requested that a manager call me back, pronto.

She did, though of course not pronto, and finally, much haggling later, she agreed to accept hard copy by fax. Easy?Of course not, their fax machine was buggered and my 'manager' didn't have access to the office to deal with it! Jeez!

I suggested I email a copy, this was met with some degree of confusion because she was concerned it would arrive in a format she couldn't open!!!! I promised it in a common format and she eventually gave me an email address....which didn't work either and bounced back at me countless times!

I called her again, each call I might add involves all the usual phone menu frustrations and then the inevitable, "she's on another call, I'll get her to call you back" in three days time response! Eventually I got hold of her again and she gave me another email address, with a promise to confirm receipt of my mail by return.

This time success...... Of a sort......at least my mail didn't bounce back but I can only assume it arrived because thus far, which is three days later, I still don't have any confirmation! In fact I have had no contact at all, so my assumption is, that as they appear to have got off my bloody phone line on a thrice daily basis, something must have worked and got throught to them at last!

You will understand though why I am more than a little sceptical and why I still anticipate having to deal with the bailiffs at my door.

This is outrageous behaviour from a national company. Firstly it's appalling that these companies employ debt collecting factors that they are very well aware operate outside the law. Secondly, every aspect of their administration systems appear to fall down spectacularly, which from a company in a hi-tech business isn't very impressive, thirdly, do they really think anyone goes through the nightmare of personal bankruptcy without familiarising themselves with the legislation and rights, fourthly I am sick of being blatantly lied to by fuckwits who assume I don't know the law, and consequently they can do as they please and finally....can anyone really believe they have spent so much time and money chasing a disputed debt of only £30 from a bankrupt that they know ultimately they can't collect from!!! It's no bloody wonder the country is in the state it is right now!

They now have one more item of hard copy, a letter stating my dissatisfaction in a very specific manner and a promise that should this continue any further I will go to law to stop them, if only on principle.

I can deal with these situations without too much bother, albeit a lot of stress, I'm not easily intimidated and I know my way around but Lord help anyone who is less able, it horrifies me to think just what these companies might inflict on some!

ORANGE....the future is bright, the staff are not!

Oh, and the bully boys if you are interested....Buchanan Clark and Wells a subsidiary of The BCW group, who interestingly seem to have a lot of negative google returns!

Orange - New heights of stupidity

I find this hard to believe, well actually I don't and that's the sad thing, we are so used to the idiocy of large corporations and their inefficiencies that we now accept almost any degree of stupidity as no great surprise!

When I lived in Scotland my ISP was Orange, yes that's ORANGE if you are in any doubt who I am talking about here! They were 'Wanadoo' at that time but it's all the same.

When I left Scotland I closed the account, cleared it and that was that. That was almost three years ago. Simple? You would have thought so...or maybe you know better!

In all that time I have heard nothing, I repeat nothing, from them, the account was closed, I couldn't access the email address etc. all seemed well, history.....that was until yesterday.

Yesterday I received a little missive via snail mail from their debt collecting factors telling me I owe them money, £31 to be precise. Not much I grant you and maybe I should have just paid it, but I dispute that I owe it in the first place and I was so incensed by the whole issue I decided this time I would dig my heels in. To that end I called the debt collectors, explained the situation and that I had subsequently been declared bankrupt in any case, so they could no longer make a claim against me.

As these companies do (I know from bitter experience during my bankruptcy proceedings that even the big boys, those high street names we are supposed to trust, are more than capable of lying to Jane Doe in their efforts to secure payment) they assumed I didn't know the laws surrounding bankruptcy (like one would go through all that and not know!) and lied to me about the powers they had. As a result they threatened to carry on chasing me until my dying day, yada, yada, yada. and said only Orange could call them off.

So, when I could eventually found a number for them, I called Orange..... and at expensive rates was left hanging on for almost an hour while they 'couldn't find any trace of me'. You don't say!. I tolerated two individuals with a joint I.Q. of a small peanut as long as my patience would allow but eventually I lost it and asked to speak to a supervisor....she turned out to be only marginally brighter but with the customer service skills of a rhinoceros.

To cut what became a very protracted story slightly shorter, I got nowhere, absolutely nowhere and so incensed further I really dug my heels in, probably immaturely but hell, I'm sick of it all, it's my turn to play stupid I figure!

She just didn't seem to grasp the principle of personal bankruptcy and that no matter what she did or threatened me with it would only cost her company money, and it would be her company contravening the law, not me. Neither could she understand why I might be ever so slightly miffed that the first and only thing I had heard in almost three years was from a debt collecting company, or that I maintain that I don't owe them the money in the first place!

So, I explained that I wouldn't be paying on principle and nor would I be jumping through their administrative hoops proving my case when I don't believe I have a case to prove in the first place and nor would I be intimidated by their threats, let's face it, I have dealt with my fair share of that these last few years and they can hardly destroy my financial status any more than it already has been. I won't ever realistically be in a position to obtain a mortgage or credit again whatever I do, so if they wish to keep spending their shareholders money chasing thirty quid, they can be my guest!!!

I know, I know, I probably should just play the game and had any one of them been remotely reasonable or behaved with common courtesy or common sense I would have, but I'm fed up to the back teeth with this kind of stupidity and this time they can go to hell, I can be stupid too!

Did I mention this is ORANGE?

So sue me, I repeat, I am bankrupt, I have nothing!

*And as a general footnote for anyone who considers bankruptcy the 'easy way out', something we bankrupts are accused of from time to time, I promise you, it is not!

The crap car!

After much professional advice to the contrary and in the full knowledge that by my own investigations much was wrong 'the crap car' (you perhaps have to read 'A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian' by Marina Lewycka to find that phrase funny) it amazingly managed to drag itself, kicking and screaming, through an M.O.T. test yesterday........ and passed!!

I am still stunned! The car God's must have been smiling on me!

I had gone in there very well aware that should it fail on what I suspected it would then this was probably the end of the road (pardon the pun) for it, given that my none existent meagre bank account was not going to be able to even contemplate the bill.

This was not going to be a happy moment and nor was it going to assist the employment search. As it was it turned into one of those ridiculously elated moments and I suspect that the guy testing it was a little taken aback by my reaction to the news, which I have to confess involved some degree of jumping up and down!
Yes, it does still need a fair number of repairs, the cost of which is way beyond me right now but none of them were severe enough to cause a fail and all of them can wait a little longer for the necessary attention. I might add that this is not new where this car is concerned, I bought it new and almost from the day the warranty expired it began to fall apart, I have never had so much trouble with a car in my life, I think I have replaced almost every part over the last few years...some of them twice and most of it documented here over the years!

It may be a crap car, it may be 'getting on a bit', slow, boring and most other things one doesn't normally want in a car but to me it's pretty important, it's gets me from A to B, it's about the only possession I haven't lost over the last few years having fought the bankruptcy courts hard to keep it, it feels somehow like my last bit of independence and it's mine and the only one I've got!

Today I love my crap car! :o)

Incidentally, if you haven't read 'A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian' you should, it's without doubt the best book I ever read and utterly hilarious in a strange way.

The easy option!!

My mother, whilst at some routine appointment today picked up a glossy mag in the waiting room as one does to pass the time and it very pertinently fell open at an article about bankruptcy. This of course interested her, yours truly being an only recently discharged bankrupt herself.

The article was a dairy of a woman's descent into the 'delights' of the state of bankruptcy......I read avidly the tale of woe written obviously by a woman who feels much about the state itself and the process of attaining that state as I did/do. The article included her website address, Ladies in the red which includes a blog, and of course I had booted up my lappy and was there in a flash!

The site is excellent, the girl has a sense of humour (you need it believe me) and I'm sure there will be much more to interest me over time but what really struck a chord with me was one line at the end of a post, a reference to those who tell we bankrupts that it is the 'easy way out'. Oh how right she was in saying it most certainly is not!! I have been told that very same thing by various sanctimonious individuals over the last year and have had more than one conversation with people who consider it to be an easy way out for themselves!

Believe me, if there is anyone out there in any doubt whatsoever bankruptcy is not the answer to your debt prayers, it is not easy and it is not fun and it is not clever!

I promise you it is not, it is not easy filling out the reams of forms one needs to submit to apply, it is not easy when penniless to find the £475 needed for the application, it is not easy to sit in front of a judge, alone in a big courtroom and be questioned and judged, when all you want to do is hide in a corner and cry, it is not easy to have no credit cards for six years, no cheque book or ATM card for six years, to not be able to buy a home for six years, to deal with the stigma (and yes it still exists), to not be able to replace ones car despite it costing more to keep on the road in it's dotage than the purchase of a new one, to have to carry cash (if one has it) for emergencies,(try staying in a hotel overnight if you break down in the middle of nowhere when you have no plastic), it is not fun being unable to buy anything online, even insurances, car tax etc etc. It is not easy having a charge made against your salary, it is not easy losing your assets, fending off often rude and intimidating creditors phone calls up to perhaps ten times daily for months and months on end (even once they are aware they are committing an offence by pestering you) and it sure as hell ain't fun wondering each time you open the door if it's bailiff's.

No sir, it is not easy and it is not the easy way out. It is frustrating, difficult and soul and self esteem destroying......if you are ever tempted to go that route please, if you have any other feasible option, take it!

....and for those that might be tempted to judge, yes I made mistakes, yes I made some poor decisions and yes I had a bit of bad luck but don't tell me I took the easy way out!

Some good news at last!

On Tuesday my bankruptcy was formally discharged by the courts almost six months early!!

I received notification when I arrived home from work today.

In reality it makes little difference to my life for the foreseeable future, but psychologically I feel it is one problem finally over and done with ..... which makes quite a considerable difference inside my little head!

Today has been a pretty good day all round in fact one way and another, a pleasant change......more please, or is that being greedy? ;o)

I've been good!

There is a distinct possibility that any day now I may be discharged from my state of bankruptcy, almost 6 months early.

Apparently I've been good, conducted my affairs since I was declared in the 'manner expected'.....fingers crossed that I have been good enough! I should know any day now.

Ok, so in reality it doesn't make much real difference, it remains on my credit history for 6 years and that's the bit that matters but it's a start and at least I wont have to declare it on every damn official form I fill in any longer.

A 'Monday' kinda Monday

Monday's are never good but I'm having 'one of those days', a very 'Monday' kinda Monday, call it pathetic, call it feeling sorry for myself call it what you will but it's not one of my better days, in fact it's pretty crap. It's one of those days when you just want to hide away somewhere quietly until the black cloud lifts a little, when you wish wishes really came true and when a cuddle would be good.

The reality is that tomorrow I have my interview with the official receiver, the 'day of judgment' when I will learn if I am to lose my car and it's getting way too close now to the day of Tilly's departure to her new home. If ever there was a wish I wanted to come true it was the 'save Tilly' wish but it seems it's not going to happen, we have less than a fortnight left together now and it just seems to be getting harder.

On the up side there has been one small light on today's grim horizon....I managed to open a new bank account despite my recent bankruptcy. Yup, Barclays Bank were prepared to take the risk. It's not much of a risk I grant you, the only account I am allowed as an undischarged bankrupt is very limited but it does mean I can at least get paid a salary (when I earn one) and pay my bills via direct debit, the lack of a direct debit facility in my life was beginning to cause me real problems so at least it's one less thing to worry about.

So, yayyy for Barclays ( I never thought I would say that about a bank) for giving me something of a second chance, it may be a very small step but in my recent financial life it's about the most positive thing that's happened in a long long time. For a few minutes this morning when the application was granted I almost felt 'normal', it made such a nice change to have something work out right among the melee that is my current situation.

Oh....and I had another small 'hairdressers incident' today, I might go into that another time but for now I'de rather ignore it, today probably wasn't a good day to choose to have my hair cut!

Bankrupt!

Today at 12.21 pm gemmak was declared officially bankrupt.

I was struck by the fact that the judge is required by law to record the time the bankruptcy order is made on the official documentation and to 'announce' it, it kinda reminded me of the manner in which a doctor is required to record the time of an individuals death, the irony was not lost.

The day went as well as could be expected. I plumped for the 'suited and booted' approach but minus the Prada (like I own any!) and off I set to face the music.

I have to say that the court officials were excellent, efficiency personified, they took me through the checks on the 35 page (yes I said 35, it wasn't a typo) petition I had already submitted in a flash, without hiccup and in a relaxed manner I hadn't expected.....my time with the 'big guy' however wasn't quite so pleasant.

I assumed I would be seen by a judge in chambers but no, it was the full hit court room scenario, save for the fact there was only he, myself and a video camera 'in residence'.

Emotionally it was a very odd and none too enjoyable experience. He was as one would expect a faceless, suited gent who seemed to spend an eternity pawing over my petition in detail interspersing his note taking and small grunts with questions. I felt suddenly very small, almost like a child waiting to be berated by the headmaster for some heinous misdemeanor. All I could think was what on earth must this man be thinking of someone like me. There he sat, midway through his own presumably successful career with all the associated trappings, making judgment on me who has literally nothing of monetary value save for a five year old car. My life and his must be about as diametrically opposed right now as it is possible to be.

I promise you, today was not an experience designed to boost one's pride in oneself.

Eventually having satisfied himself of the facts he agreed to make the order and pronounced me bankrupt with an almost apologetic tone. I wasn't sure whether I should thank him, punch the air that it was over or cry, the latter seemed to threaten dangerously for a moment but what little pride I had left won over and off I went for my first interview with the official receiver with my head held high and a very hollow feeling somewhere inside me.

I have yet to have interview #2 with these guys in a few weeks, it will be at that point I learn the fate of my car but in essence that's it, I am debt free but at a very different kind of cost.

So that's it, I'm now officially an undischarged bankrupt.

C'est la vie....I had no other option I know..... and hopefully in a few days I will begin to feel it's the beginning of a new start and all that, but for now the hollow 'thing' in my gut still prevails and I'm still wondering how one receives a salary (when I get one) or pays standing orders etc. for a year with no bank account.......

Do Prada take cash?

Tomorrow sees me take one more step on the path that has become the destruction or rebuilding, depending on your perception, (mine wavers from day to day at the moment) of what was once my life, for tomorrow I have my appointment in court with a guy in a funny wig and gown....do judges wear all the regalia in 'non-criminal' proceedings?.....who will declare me bankrupt all things being equal.

Odd though it may seem this little 'court appearance' seems to have become lost among other more upsetting difficulties over the last few days, the up-side of which is that I have barely given it thought let alone gotten into a state of panic over it, every cloud has a silver lining eh?

My current and most pressing consideration (and yes I know it's a girly thing) is what should I wear?...under usual circumstances an appearance in court would warrant (no pun intended) that I get suited and booted, pull out all the stops and look like I mean business but should a woman applying for bankruptcy look 'together'? Would it not be more suitable to go looking down at heel, like I don't have a penny to my name (which is about true) and I have just been dragged unceremoniously through a thick hedge? Who knows, maybe I'll err on the side of caution and fence sitting and hit a mid point somewhere!

So that's it, by this time tomorrow my financial life will be all over bar the shouting, I'm not sure quite how I feel about it anymore, making the application, submitting it and knowing it's going to happen is one thing....actually walking out as an undischarged bankrupt might be another entirely.....the best I can do I suppose is accept it's the only route I can take and try to see it as the resolution to a problem and move on.

Do Prada take cash?

Sorry, I shouldn't be flip I know but if I didn't laugh and all that.......

It's official....well almost!

As of yesterday evening, at the press of a button, gemmak is officially financially defunct (another word came more readily to mind there but I resisted, it's amazing what one can do online now!

There is no turning back now, my bankruptcy application had made it's electronic way to the insolvency service and been accepted in principle. All that remains now is for me to attend a grilling with a judge, likely sometime next week, (it seems to be a fast turnaround this bankruptcy business) and if my case is looked upon favorably that will be it....gemmak will be a bankrupt.

Ok, I have then to wait a month for the receiver to decide if he wishes to relieve me of any of my possessions, like I have any, though my car is of concern, if that goes so does any remaining vestige of feeling a degree of independence I had. I can only hope it is considered way to much of a 'shed' now to be worth the bother!

Ain't life grand!

It has been suggested to me, by someone better able than myself right now, to see the positive in this, that I should be viewing it as the opportunity for a fresh start. Yup, good point it is but right now, whilst my common sense agrees my emotions don't seem to be keeping up with that thought!

Repeat after me.....

"I will not let this make me bitter.......angry,.....f*cked off........ raging......"

much!

That's it....

...time is up I can't any longer prevaricate about my current situation.

I'm sick to death of living in this limbo, of having a thousand and one things to consider and to make decisions about. Maybe I needed time to let my mind adapt to the changes in my life recently, maybe I just needed a little time to think but whatever it was I did need I don't need it anymore, what I do need is to get some semblance of order back into my life and instead of thinking about what I'm going to do, actually do it!

There is no point mulling over the why's and where for's any longer, nothing to be gained by imagining that somehow, something will magically happen to alleviate the situation because it won't, this is the real world and shit happens so it's time for action and this week I will take action.

So many things depend right now on other things happening and the first is that I have to bite the bullet and file my bankruptcy papers with the courts. Goodbye credit rating, goodbye mortgages and credit cards...I have to enter the twighlight world of 'financial non-entity' but enter it I will and with a fist full of cash for ironically one has to pay a considerable sum for the priveledge

Ok, so an hour with a judge and another few with a receiver isn't my idea of fun but it has to be done, the sooner it's done the sooner I can begin looking forward to my discharge, not that in practice discharge from bankruptcy makes much difference, the courts might consider a year long enough punishment but most other institutions consider six years more appropriate!

Hey ho, it's a start, I can't say I relish the next week or two but it will be one less thing to worry about and consider and one more thing I can begin to consign to history.

Biting the bullet

So this morning I decided I needed to 'bite the bullet' a little harder and actually make inroads into the becoming bankrupt thing.

Thus far I have dithered, I have researched it, I have considered it, I have tried to think of all the pro's and con's but I hadn't actually done anything about it....the actually doing it is kinda scary, the point of no return.

As time has elapsed the problems surrounding this delightful state of 'financial cock-up' seemed to become greater and greater (is nothing simple?), for those who consider it so, this is by no means an easy way out, the repercussions have the possibility of becoming quite daunting. Obviously I have to learn to live without the god that is credit cards (not a bad thing in reality), the threat of losing most of my possessions (like I have may!!!) including my car, without which I'm stuffed, a frozen and then non existent bank account (how in God's name do I pay direct debits I wonder?), a completely defunct credit reference for at least six years, prospective landlords taking an instant dislike to my becoming a tenant, absolutely no possibility of a mortgage without massive massive interest penalties or dodgy offshore dealings, this address, which isn't mine becoming credit blacklisted (my parents are gonna love me to bits for that one) and hell....... I don't even know how I will get a salary paid to me once I have a job, without having to divulge this damn bankruptcy thing to the world at large!

Oh...and just for good measure I have to try and raise £500 somehow to pay for the priviledge. Um.......do those seeking personal bankruptcy usually have £500 cash (unsurprisingly county courts don't accept cheques or credit cards) sitting around doing nothing then?

But hey ho, onward and upward, this morning I registered with the insolvency bods, I got the final bits of information I needed and so all I have to do now is fill in the copious number of pages with horrendous amounts of information and then go to court and be grilled for an hour or so by a judge, who in theory at least, will declare me financially inept and pass me onto a liquidator. He or she will then paw through my possessions and assets (ha ha) for anything worth taking and consider making a charge against me for three years.

Sounds like fun don't you think?!.....remind me to forget this part of my life quite quickly if you would please. Bitter? moi?

...and for good measure, whilst I'm having a crap day I have an appointment at the dreaded hairdressers this afternoon, might as well do all the yukky nice stuff at once eh?.

Tomorrow is another day...I hope! ;o)

Ain't life strange....

....and some!

When I chose my most recent path in life I knew it was gonna be tough, I knew the logistical problems I faced would test me but I don't honestly think I really appreciated just how far they would test me.

Dealing with the practical aspects of my sudden slide into bankruptcy, of being technically homeless and of being unemployed is relatively easy...the emotional side however is a whole different story.

I had the misfortune yesterday of having to deal yet again with one of my creditors, this is a big high street institution though the manner in which they try to recoup their imminent loss smacks of back street loan sharks....ok, so as yet they haven't 'sent round the heavies' but my phone rings an obsessive number of times and worse still my parents have to field various borderline abusive calls to their number.

I can accept they feel they have every right to harass me (though in law they don't) but they most certainly don't have a right to constantly bombard my parents phone line. Yes, I have explained countless times to countless faceless individuals in an Indian call center please, I would like to help you if only I could understand you that this is nothing to do with my parents...on countless times I have been assured their number has been removed from all records and then what?....not 6 hours passes without yet another call to the same number! FFS.

What part of 'this is not my number' are they having the problem with I wonder?!

In desperation yesterday I approached someone further up the chain in an attempt to get my message through. She, whoever she was, apparently customer facing staff at this bank aren't obliged to identify themselves in any way, politely condescendingly informed me of the down side to bankruptcy, like I wasn't already aware..... and finished her speech with the little 'gem', that being a bankrupt did nothing for one's pride!!! Was she under some mis-apprehension then that I had any pride left?

So magnify that four fold (yup, four creditors), add the joy of having no money, the DSS are to take yet a further four weeks to 'sort me out', getting a job is complicated by all this in ways I can't go into here, the not knowing where I'll be living or how sometime soon..... and my reasons for feeling a little insecure and pissed at life from time to time start to become clear.

Half of the time I feel hopeful and positive, the other half I seem to have acquired a predilection for dissolving into tears or a pathetic state of negativity.

Hey...but don't they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? and WTF, it's Friday, who cares until Monday! :o)

Rant over.

A day to forget

The time always comes in situations such as my current one where the 'honeymoon period' (no pun intended) is over and the business of getting on with real life has to be attended to.

Ok....so for a short while we maybe allow ourselves time to adjust a little, time to pretend things will be easier than we know the reality will be, a break from the recent traumas to stand back, take stock and begin to consider our next move...today was that day.

The first of the big decisions had been waiting to be made for a while and could wait no longer, today was the day the proverbial bullet had to be bitten, and somewhat firmly at that.

I am of course referring to my rather tenuous financial situation, ignoring it was not going to make it disappear and so this morning, already feeling considerably less that full of confidence for one reason and another, I set about taking the last of the professional advice I needed to come to a final decision....and made the decision. There is no alternative option left open to me other than to file for personal bankruptcy. Not something I relish and a situation that for me, that the irony of which will not be lost on some, but the sooner I file the papers the sooner I can begin to look forward to a more 'normal' life. It ain't gonna be an overnight transition by any means, more like years of overnights but it can't be avoided and so in a weeks time the bull will be taken by the horns and gemmak will become officially 'financially f**ked'.

The amusing aspect (ok, so maybe I say 'amusing' through gritted teeth but you know what I mean) of this scenario is that it costs a fair few quid to render oneself bankrupt!! Hell, if I had that kind of money readily available I might not be considering this course of action at all but hey ho, life is full of such absurdities and I have but one possession left worth anything (and a lot more in sentimentality) and so it will be sold, my dues paid and a damn hard lesson learnt.

Oh, but my delightful day was not yet complete. Having navigated my way through that legal maze it was off to the DSS to 'sign on', no job having yet been secured and my bank account looking sadly bare I gave in in the name of not starving.

This expedition I have to say was marginally worse than the bankruptcy hoo ha, if I had any vestige of self esteem left when I walked into the hallowed government building I certainly didn't when I left! Having been subjected to the banal and ridiculous myriad of questions fired at me by an 18 year old upstart who assumed I probably hadn't worked a day in my life, had 16 children by 17 different fathers and at least one plasma screen in each government supported bedroom of my palatal home...... I was then informed I had to undergo two further grillings before a decision would be made as to whether I am entitled to the princely sum of £57 a week!

Like I said, a day to forget! it was a tough one, one of my toughest, ten rounds with Muhammed Ali might have been preferable and I have to admit to being rather less amused by the whole situation than it maybe appears here but if you didn't laugh you'de cry....yup, ok, I did my fair share of that too as the day went on but with a little help from Nero's (ok, I'm broke, maybe I shouldn't be patronising Nero's but WTF I needed something) and my usual excellent 'support team' (thank you as ever, you know who you are) I managed to make it this far, albeit in a rather 'wobbly' fashion!

Hey......shit happens, today was a scary one to put it mildly, I'm still kinda reeling but tomorrow is another day, I still have the most important things in my life, (no, not my laptop, that will become of interest to the bailiffs) and maybe, just maybe, one day in the future some fool will let me have a mortgage again!

Does now seem an appropriate moment to utter the words 'pigs' and 'wings' and 'life sucks' at times?