So long 2009....

....I will not be sorry to see you go!

2009, probably, no certainly, the very worst year of my life to date, unsurpassed in obnoxious horrible-ness and that despite one or two in my past not having been particularly good to say the least.

I find it pretty hard to imagine now, when I think back to this time last year, quite how much has changed and none of it in a positive manner. I began the year relatively happy and feeling I had achieved much of what I aimed for in life. Yes, I was unemployed but that was the biggest problem I had, oh happy days! Such a simple existence now seems something I can only dream of, something that happens to other people, like winning the lottery or finding a priceless work of art in the loft.

Those of you who read here regularly (for which I thank you) know what happened next, for those that don't, briefly I lost the man I loved when he ditched me unceremoniously in the space of a few hours, as a consequence I lost my home, along with my sanity it seemed at times..... and having just begun to recover from that my father, who we thought had beaten cancer, was given a terminal diagnosis and required nursing to his recent death, which was preceded by a good friend also being claimed by cancer, just a week earlier.

It's been a logistical and emotional roller coaster filled with heartache, hospitals, chemotherapy and hopes dashed time and time again and it's a ride I never want wish to experience again! So like I said at the start of this post, I won't be sorry to see the back of 2009 and whilst I have no wish to tempt fate I can't imagine how 2010 can be anything but an improvement! Here's hoping!

There were along the way one or two positives, we had a few laughs, I learned that I'm stronger than I thought and that we cope with what is thrown at us somehow, I made some very good friendships that I hope will endure a lifetime, my best friend got married and I discovered that despite everything, I wouldn't now have back he who ditched me so unkindly if he was offered gift wrapped and with a bright shiny ribbon wrapped around his 'interesting bits'. I just don't need that crap.

So then, happy new year guys, lets hope it is a better one......and thank you to those, who along the way, kept me from capsizing spectacularly and were there 24/7 and way beyond the call of duty when I needed them, you know who you are.

Ejaculation not allowed!

Picture the scene, it's Christmas night, the family, myself, my mother, my sister and her husband and the two teenage children, plus one miscellaneous boyfriend are sitting around the table playing the obligatory Christmas games. There are carols playing gently in the background and all is relatively peaceful.

The game, don't ask me to name it, involved making models from 'play-doh', one person per team modelling the damn stuff against the clock, the other guessing the word the model represents.

There was some small degree of cheating going on and in the excitement of the moment my modeller, youngest teenage child, tried to indicate to me what it was she was modelling, exasperated at my apparent lack of ability to identify the blue 'blob' infront of her.

Oldest teenage child at this point, much miffed at the bending of rules was heard to shout across the room at hight decibel levels and in all innocence........."you are not allowed to ejaculate".

I suspect the word she was looking for was probably'gesticulate'.

There was one of those silent moments, offending teenager utterly confused and the rest of us trying our damnedest not to fall about hysterically.

We failed dismally!

Love it!

Done and dusted

Well that's that done and dusted and over with, Christmas is behind us and I have to admit I am not sorry. I know that's pretty much of a 'bah humbug grumpy bint' attitude but there it is, it wasn't my best festive season by a long way!

We did I have to say, make the best of it and being with my sister and her family made it a whole lot better but for all of us it's our first 'event' without my dad and for me my first for a very long while single, definitely a status I am learning to dislike intensely and particularly at holiday times. It just isn't nice. I know there are many that hail female independence in the 21st century, yada, yada, yada but it just isn't for me, I wasn't built to be a solitary soul in this manner and whilst I may be getting used to it, I have no wish whatsoever to tolerate the single life for long!

Hey ho, onward. We have the new year to get through and then maybe some semblance of normality can begin to resume. What my normality will be now I have no idea but my life is set to change again quite significantly over the next few months.

Did I mention I am fed up with change? A spell of stability might be nice for a while.....I'm not holding my breath!

Winter wonderland

After the second snowfall....


(Click to enlarge)

Merry Christmas!

Lesser known!

:o)

It's official....

...that I have failed dismally this Christmas one way and another and as a result I should apologise here and now!

What for?

Well, I haven't so much as purchased a Christmas card, let alone written or posted any, so if you would normally expect to be seeing one from me popping through your letter box, I am sorry but it won't be happening this year. I'll say again, I'm am sorry but pressure of circumstances and all that, I just didn't seem to get to it. In fact Christmas is pretty low key here this year for obvious reasons. None of us can really get into it so my mum and I will head off to Leicestershire tomorrow to stay with my sister for a few days, we will do Christmas for the children but that will be about the extent to which we go, it will just be nice to be together.

So, again, my apologies but not much festive to see here this year.

On pride and falls and getting marooned!

Bugger! So last night full of confidence and against my overly worrying mothers advice I went out in the car, I know how to drive in the snow, I have some experience (that's another tale)and thus far in my life I have never got stuck! Thus far!

Off I went and when all around me were abandoning vehicles and causing minor bodywork damage I made it to my destination, albeit only a mile away and albeit having taken me a half hour.

Things were looking good. I parked in a place suitable for making good my escape later in the evening and enjoyed my evening. At 2am I decided it was time to go back home and set off on my one mile trip. All was well....until 500 meters from home where my pride took a considerable jolt.

Suffice to say, much digging of snow from around my wheels, much clutch burning and swearing, an hour later I had moved approximately five foot, just enough not to have to abandon the car right in the middle of the road, I arrived home at three bloody thirty! One mile, one and a half hours! Ooppsss. *Blush*

The remaining short distance home was on foot and this morning I am off with a shovel to try again....failing that I may have to completely swallow my pride and get my brother and his Land Rover over here.

Tomorrow my mother and I are supposed to be travelling to the Midlands to spend what will already be a pretty strange Christmas with my sister and her family....not making it is not an option!

Iced!

(Click to enlarge)

Short dog in snow!

Remember 'short dog', he who I borrowed from my brother way back in the summer sometime...well he's rather partial to snow too, specifically catching snowballs!

How many cats?

This little festive offering amused me...but don't expect me to know the answer to 'how many cats'...each time I count them I come up with a different result!

If you think you have the definitive answer, let me know!


*Update.
As has been pointed out to me in comments it's twelve, as in the twelve days of Christmas! Duh @ me. Hey, I told you my brain is addled recently but I like the picture just the same! :o)

The snowmum!

Intrepid as ever, at eighty, in six inches of snow, 7.30 in the morning, minus 5 degrees, slippers on feet and without even a jacket, the snowmum feeding 'her' birds on time!

There is just no telling some people!;o)


(Apologies, poor image but I was so surprised I didn't have time to organise my camera properly!)

Snow....

...I have snow! Big snow, beautiful snow, wonderful snow! Unfortunately I also have a failed central heating system...snow pictures once I have sorted the heating issue! Dammit, where's my dad when I need him!


*UPDATE
Have fixed the heating and at last taken some snow pictures. I don't have quite the scenery here close at hand as I did in Scotland or Cambridge but hey ho, it's still snow!







(Click to enlarge...and the rest are HERE.)

About bloody time!

So, I was pontificating recently over the multitudes of surgeries and treatments my dad had to undergo and endure in his fight against cancer, he was amazing, he went through some really major stuff including 8 hour surgeries,chemo and many other less than lovely things, and he barely uttered a word of complaint or showed more than the minimum of fear.

It kind of put into perspective my dental phobia, (which is well documented here if are are bored enough to want to read it) ok, so we are different people and we all react differently to fear but nonetheless, to be so terrified of having one tooth extracted, that has caused me pain for almost two years, began to seem a little pathetic.

It was thus that yesterday I took the bull by it's proverbial horns and made an appointment for said procedure to be carried out today....and I did it, the offending item is gone!! Yayyy!!

I will admit to having to have my sister in tow and to visibly shaking but I did it and I did it without my usual dental assistance, Valium!

If my dad can go through what he had too I can damn well have a tooth out, he kept telling me to get it done every time he saw me 'winding' food around my mouth or taking pain meds trying to avoid the pain, so I did it....and about bloody time!

*Oh....and it's snowing!!! Yipee :o)

Saying goodbye

So yesterday we said our final goodbye's to my dad and if a funeral can be described as amazing, this one was! It's was absolutely what we had hoped for, it was perfect, it was 'him'!

It was as the saying goes 'a good turn out', people we couldn't imagine showed up, people some of whom we hadn't seen for years, or in the case of colleagues from his days in television, we had never met.

My dad was a staunch atheist, we found an amazing non-denominational celebrant to carry out the service and she was spot on, he would have wholly approve. My fifteen year old niece sang a solo, quite how she managed it I will never know but any of us who had managed to hold it together up to that point lost a grip listening to her angelic voice singing unaccompanied through her own threatening tears. My brother, despite his nerves read the eulogy magnificently, a concoction of amusing tales from each of us, his children, one memory each that a few days ago he gave us two minutes to think of and relay to him.

There were tears, there was laughter, there was love and there was much loud and funky jazz, music my obsessively jazz loving, bohemian dad had chosen himself before he died. A family who in grief came together closer than even usually we are, grown men cried openly and myself, my mum and my siblings gave up any vestige of our stiff upper lips as we listened and remembered a very, very special and individual man who was summed up in this short Indian 'prayer' that was included in the service;

When I am dead
Cry for me a little
Think of me sometimes
But not too much.
Think of me now and again
As I was in life
At some moments it's pleasant to recall
But not for long.
Leave me in peace
And I shall leave you in peace
And while you live
Let your thoughts be with the living.
Yup, if a funeral can be described as amazing, this one certainly was..... and I'll bet not too many coffins carry a floral tribute including some rather large cacti!

Tomorrow is the day

So tomorrow is the day, my fathers funeral, everything that can be organised has been, the hordes are massing, I can hear my niece upstairs practicing her solo ready for her performance and there is a very odd air of anticipation going on here.

Yesterday myself, my mum and my sister visited the chapel of rest to say our private good bye's, it was a very surreal experience. Somehow he just looked so 'normal' I expected him to suddenly say something....and yet at the same time he looked like he just wasn't there anymore, the man that my dad was, had long since gone. I couldn't then, and still don't really know what I felt, a deep sadness that this really was the last time I would see him and yet a happiness and maybe comfort that I was there with him at that moment. I wasn't sure before I went if I should go at all, if as people say, I would regret it, but among all the confused emotions going on inside my head at the moment the only thing I do know is that I am very glad I went to see him that one last time.

Tomorrow, I have no idea, part of me wants to have the opportunity to publicly say good bye and to acknowledge my love for the man who took care of me one way and another all of my life, part of me just wants to try and ''pull down the shutters and get through it as quickly and as painlessly as possible.

In the end I suspect I won't have to make a choice, what will be will be. Hopefully it will all run like oiled silk and before long it will be over and we can move on to whatever the new phase in our lives without him is...and who knows what that will be....

Persistent!

Well, this is a problem I never envisaged I would have!! A man who's persistent and unwanted attentions I just don't seem to be able to stop. He is driving me absolutely nuts now and nothing I have tried has put paid to his endeavours!

Really, I have tried everything.....polite, firm, to the point, rude, out and out rude, ignoring, rationalising, unpleasant, bitchy, in your face 'go away' but nothing is getting through and this has been going on intermittently for 10 or so years, though recently since I became single it has got a whole lot worse. He's an ex from my youth, I went out with him a couple of times months ago, it wasn't happening and somehow I can't convince him of that.

It is beyond a joke now, I have been determined not to change my number but I'm beginning to consider it, or worse, the man has the hide of a rhinoceros and nothing gets through. It must be nice to have that level of self confidence I suppose, such a belief that no one could possibly live without him!

Whatever, enough is enough, suggestions on a postcard please....or for ease perhaps in comments!

Why is it the guys I do want don't seem to want me this badly? The law of sod prevails as ever!

Organised!

Well finally, after what has been a manic two weeks both emotionally and logistically, I think we have everything arranged. Hurrah!

I really began to think we wouldn't get it all done, despite having such a long wait until the funeral, but unless my usually obsessive organisational skills have failed me badly (and believe me that's distinctly possible at the moment) we are all done and dusted and ready for my fathers funeral next Tuesday.

Really I think we just want it over with now, the wait has been too long and just as we begin to feel a tiny vestige of normality for a few minute, now and then, we will be flung headlong back into the harsh reality of our loss.

It will be very good of course to pay him our respects, to say our final good-bye's, to publicly celebrate his life and the very special man he was and to begin to get some real closure but at the moment I think mostly we are just dreading it.

Hey ho, tis all set now, we just have a few more days wait....

Three wishes for Christmas

I thieved this from The Pink Jellybaby....it seems somewhat more cheerful than my recent offerings, a chance to daydream.

I don't think I'll be doing Christmas in any significant way this year, me and mine just can't really get into it this time around, but the thought of having three wishes granted about now is pretty appealing.

Ok, so as ever with these things do I go for the bigger picture or do I go for the selfish 'me' wishes option? I think I fancy the latter if I'm honest on this occasion so here goes, my three wishes for Christmas are:

1. My knight in shining armour to finally appear complete with white horse. Hell, dammit, sod the white horse and the armour, if he loves the real me and I love him the rest is academic!

2. A kitten, any kitten, I'm not fussy. I'll have the runt of the litter, it can have three legs and a bent ear, really I don't care, just a kitten! Perhaps though a home to keep it in first might be a plan.

3. Something nice to happen, one of those things, not necessarily a big thing, just something small that makes me feel deep down happy for a few minutes, I'm fed up now with the sad crap.

If anyone out there feels kind enough to grant one of the above please feel free. :o)

The song in my head....

Two and a half weeks.....

....is beginning to feel like a hell of a long time to wait for a funeral! Actually it is a hell of a long time to wait for a funeral and it's courtesy of 'technical issues' at the local crematorium.

Wouldn't you know it!

If something can present a difficulty recently it will do it seems and this is just another in what is beginning to feel like a long line!

On the up-side - yes apparently there always is one - it means that we have had plenty of time to get through the seemingly unending list of things there are to organise beforehand. Dying is a complicated issue in these days of red tape and prior to this experience I wouldn't have believed quite how many things there are to attend too.

Both emotionally and practically this is turning into a very steep learning curve, it's all part of life's rich pattern so they tell me (who the hell are 'they'?)but it's a part I think I could have well got through life without experiencing.... and certainly we could have done without quite so much red tape or quite such a long wait!

So the wait continues until next Tuesday when we can at last all say our final goodbye's, remember my dad, celebrate his life and the man he was and try to move on to the next stage, whatever that stage involves.

At the end of the day

So, a week has passed now since my dad died and it's all been pretty surreal and traumatic, in fact it's been utter madness in many ways with such a myriad of emotions to balance with the unending number of tasks and appointments that seemingly have to be dealt with in the event of a death.

No-one tells you quite how much red tape there is to be negotiated after the event, or just how many times you are going to have to keep reiterating the details of something that is difficult to tell just once, let alone time and time again and certainly nothing prepares you for the feeling of helplessness there is involved in literally watching someone you love die in front of you.

It's a tough call but one that most of us have, or will have to go through at some stage in our lives and it's a very steep learning curve which somehow leaves little time at this point to really grieve.

I have learned to be strong over the last year, probably more so than I would have liked but still, one of the hardest parts for me is the not having someone, who at the end of the day, when I'm completely frazzled, will just hold onto me and make me believe it will all be ok, someone to curl up in bed with and feel close too and to escape all this emotional madness with for a few minutes.

The single life really doesn't 'do it' for me and never has that been more apparent than now.

Autumn rain

(Clickable)

From the bottom of my heart, thankyou!

Ok, so right now I'm not too sure exactly where the bottom of my heart actually is, in fact I'm not entirely sure where my heart is at all these days but whatever and wherever it is, I want to say the biggest thankyou from the very bottom of it to all of you who have send messages of support and condolence via here, Facebook, twitter, email and snail mail over the last few very tough days.

Your thoughts and wishes have made an immense difference to me, just knowing so many people care has helped enormously and made this whole nasty time a little easier.
Special thanks must go to Lisa, who despite a very hectic spell in her own life, as always was there for me, Daffy for her stoic ability to listen to me and come up with a positive response, 'JW' and 'JG' for always being there and 'G', who knows why.

Lastly but by absolutely no means least, a very, very big and heartfelt thanks to 'RB' who has been an absolute star, who has provided 24/7 support and help way beyond the call of duty, who has listened to me unendingly, managed to make me laugh however bad it all got and 'been there' in so many ways regardless of any inconvenience to himself.

Thank you all guys, I mean really, really thank you, you don't know quite how much I appreciate you all.

"There it is"

The words in the title of this post were those left by a friend on my Facebook page in response to the news that my father had died.

Just three little words but somehow they completely summed up how I felt and still feel about what has happened over the last few months.

"There it is"....simple, there was nothing more anyone could do.

The situation was almost intolerable for all concerned, not least of all for my dad and when it was over, as he died with my mum and I holding his hands and my siblings talking gently to him there was nothing really left to say. The culmination of almost two years of fighting was over. It was done. We had done all we could, he had done all he could, the cancer boffins had scratched their heads and done all they could and as I sat there not quite knowing what to do next, had I had the words I think "There it is" would probably have described best how I felt at that moment.

There was no fear, no desperation, no hysterics, it was peaceful, it was a gentle letting go and there were no words, just a strange sense of acceptance and of numbness, a feeling of "there it is", after all the pain and fear and fighting it was over......

Who says dreams don't come true!

On a much happier note, after over a year of the trials and tribulations of a transatlantic love affair and the red tape of U.S. immigration (story here and here) and Lisa and Ian finally got married on Sunday in Nebraska!!!

♥ Congratulations you two ♥

You deserve every moment of the future happiness I know you will have and you give me faith that dreams really can come true.

I only wish I could have been there with them but circumstances were against me.

It's over....

....my dad (TP) died peacefully in the early hours of yesterday morning with my mum, my brother, my sister and myself all by his side. He retained his stoicism and sense of humour until the end.

"Wherever you are dad, let the jazz be cool and the red wine be a damn good one."

Right now....

....it feels as if life couldn't get much tougher.

Most of my time is spent at the hospice now just watching and waiting for the inevitable to happen.... and with my heart in my mouth every time TP's breathing pattern changes or one of a multitude of other indicators change.

I haven't had time to grieve properly yet for my friend who died on Saturday and I have had some personal issues going on in the background along the way, though thankfully, those at least seem to be resolving.

My head is so full of thoughts and my heart with a feelings but I can't think straight most of the time and just seem to function in a surreal state of auto-pilot fuelled by so much coffee I'm awash with the stuff.

I keep telling myself there is always someone worse off but that seems pretty sad in itself, I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone, let alone something worse!

This is a real tough call.

My apologies for keep posting doom and gloom but being able to post it here is probably, along with the support of my friends, the only thing that's keeping me sane (ish) right now.

F*ck cancer!

Whichever little grey haired old lady (ok, I shouldn't stereotype but hey..) sat patiently stitching this, I am amused and so with her!

Bus puss!

When your cat goes out, do you know where he/she goes?

Click HERE.

I am....

....sick of feeling sad, I am sick of worrying, I am sick of trying to be strong, in fact I am sick of most of this year and I am sure you lot are equally sick of hearing me moan about it!

Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your perspective, this little patch of the interweb is my 'therapy', this blog is the one place I feel I can rant and be selfish for a few minutes when the going gets tough...and it has been a bloody tough year, probably my toughest one way and another to date (save for maybe one a long time ago) and it's only going to get tougher in the near future.

I am however still standing, despite sometimes feeling it's all getting too much, and I have every intention of remaining standing.... but please, a better year next year would be good. One with some happy bits.

Anyone know where I can order one?

In the meantime, bear with me please, I can't promise too much in the way of cheery stuff here quite yet.

A very sad day

Yesterday afternoon the world lost a very special and courageous man and I lost a great friend.

Andy of Grumpy Old Git (@mac_kix_windoze) died peacefully at home with his family around him.

Another life claimed far too soon by cancer. Andy was only 43 and is survived by his wife and four children.

He fought a brave and very difficult battle with dignity, great bravery and humility despite his own fears and frustrations.

Rest now in peace my friend, no more pain, frustration or anger, you will never be forgotten....

Sneezing baby panda!

Something smiley for a change :o)

I know the feeling!

Ok, so my preferred venue is Caffe Nero but I won't split hairs, caffeine is caffeine!

Life in three acts

Things are pretty surreal right now.

I feel I am living three almost entirely different and separate lives, each of which promotes wildly differing emotional responses which at times become confusing, raises questions within me about my own psyche and requires an emotional dexterity I have not before been required to find in myself.

Firstly there is the life, and necessarily the major aspect of my life right now, that revolves around TP and his worsening condition. He was admitted to the local hospice as a matter of urgency at the weekend and his situation is currently very tenuous. From a practical point of view most of my time is now spent there with him, on an emotional level the implications and responses are obvious.

Secondly there is the part of my life which requires me to support both emotionally and practically my mother, in many ways that is harder and more emotionally draining than dealing with the reality of my fathers situation, she is facing something which anyone who has just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary would naturally dread.

But thirdly there is my personal life, or what vestige of one I can manage right now. Again it is a juggling act requiring some dexterity but as harsh as it might sound I have persisted in making a little 'me' time, without it I would, I suspect have gone nuts by now. Recently this part of my life has been looking up and I have re-discovered something I learned to do many years ago, that I have what feels like an odd ability to almost completely close my mind off from each part of my life and either deal with, or enjoy each, as an entirely separate entity for as long as I am in that situation.

This is a good thing.

To an outsider I imagine at times it appears I am uncaring, in fact I am quite the reverse but the fact that I can manage my life for now, in three such separate 'compartments' I think is what keeps me sane. The good moments rest my mind and 're-charge' me for dealing better with the tough bits, they keep me aware that not everything is doom and gloom and keep my spirits up... but they are also confusing.

To go, in say a half hour, from feeling desperately sad to cheerful and lighthearted is an odd experience, to be able to almost entirely block out the crap for a few hours makes me feel a little guilty, though rationally I know I shouldn't. To feel happy occasionally among all that is currently going on, seems wrong perhaps and though I understand the psychology and I am mostly comfortable with it, it's still pretty confusing at times.

To be living my life for now, in three such entirely different 'acts', is strange, emotionally complicated more than a little surreal.

Priceless!

When all around is crap and falling to bits, yesterday evening, out with a friend playing in this;


...is priceless! :o))

Phenomenal piece of machinery!

Friday the 13th....

....feels like a pretty appropriate date today, for without wishing to sound too gloom laden things in gemmak's-ville are getting pretty tough. Tougher than tough in fact.

TP is now very poorly, the situation is progressing and it's not pretty, it's not dignified and it's not nice.

We all hear people say from time to time how hard it is to nurse someone who is so ill and we sympathise and try to say something helpful and understanding but I for one, really didn't appreciate just how hard and how soul destroying it becomes, until I had to bite the bullet and do it myself.

It's constant 24/7 stuff and very little of it is anything close to uplifting, quite the reverse. The professional services are all in place and all doing their thing but ultimately they can only do so much... and it's not they at the sharp end when it all goes wrong in the wee small hours and suddenly, in a sleepy state, another major decision has to be made or another new problem presents itself which requires prompt action, usually without the necessary knowledge. It is impossible to second guess everything that might occur and to be prepared for all events. Try as I might and with as much information as I have gathered, the one thing I always need to know seems to be the one thing I don't know....and just don't try getting professional help or advice after office hours with any degree of urgency. The reality is that there are two choices in the middle of the night, make one's own decision or call a 999. End of. The other options that appear to be available just aren't into rapid response, as good as they are in the daylight hours.

So, it's onwards, though somehow I suspect not very upwards. It is one of those situations that just has to be dealt with the best way we can, there is no option for any of us, tis life as they say....

Shhhhh.....

....don't tell anyone but I am kinda seeing someone!

It's fun and it's very nice and it's a bit scary.... and you get no more details yet!

Early days, watch this space. ;o)

Remembering....

I'll apologise before I begin....

...because this post might just turn into a temporary pity party, I have had a bad day, I'm fed up, thoroughly pissed off and losing sight, just for an hour or two, of the principle of 'making the best of it'!

So what's got my goat? Well right now it feels like just about everything, though of course it's not but it's been a day of others ill tempers aimed in my direction or in the direction of those I love, I have been soaked in the rain, not once but twice running errands, I have had my day planned and un-planned for me without reference to myself, I have spent half the afternoon having a text row with a guy who has some serious issues understanding the term "no, sorry I don't want to see you tonight" or any other night for that matter which degenerated badly when he began hurling juvenile insults in my direction, I pulled the plug promptly at that point I might add.

I also have an extremely sore middle finger on my left hand as the result of a very bloody run in with an open tin can last night, (fab, I'm left handed) I'm constantly tired and I am fed up to the back teeth of having to think and remember a thousand and one things all the time and of feeling like I have the weight of the world firmly strapped on my little back!

Oh...and the one thing I had hoped might save the day, didn't happen. Wouldn't you know it!

I miss being me, I miss having a life, I miss having fun and save for the odd exception I feel like I can't remember what fun even feels like, or carefree.....or happy .....or relaxed.....or normal!

I know we all go through crappy periods in our lives, we all have bad days, many much worse than mine, and I know my situation is no-one's fault. Far from it. And yes, I know I'll feel better in the morning and yes, mostly I'm happy and more than willing to be doing what I have to do right now... but just today, just right here and right now I need to have five minutes of 'selfish and disgruntled and snivelling', before I gather my thoughts and get back on track.

*Rant over, I apologise once more.

My mum....

...is 80 today!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM!

There is humour in all things!

So....we live in a three story house and this now presents problems for TP as his illness progresses and he becomes weaker. He needs to be able to navigate at least one set of stairs successfully to have a decent quality of life and this has become something of a logistical nightmare recently.

I am not strong enough to haul him up and down and even if I was it is neither dignified nor comfortable for him. It is also dangerous, should he fall he is highly likely to injure himself, and me for that matter, and I'm not sure I could 'catch' him if need be!

The solution? It was decided by the committee (thats' me, my mother and TP) yesterday that now is the time to call on the assistance of a stairlift.... and time being of the essence we set about finding a company that could provide the service poste haste.

One was found without much ado and the appointment for said hardware to be installed was promptly made for tomorrow.

What is not lost on us is that tomorrow is just one day before my mother's 80th birthday and a stair lift seems a rather amusing (and ahem 'appropriate') acquisition just a day before one becomes an octogenarian does it not?!

Luckily my mother also has a sense of humour!

Leaving on a jet plane!

So, today, after over seven months of red tape and the trials and tribulations of the immigration services, and having finally got his visa to move to the U.S delivered into his hand last week, Ian took off on a flight from Heathrow at 15.00hrs today bound for Omaha Nebraska and a whole new life with Lisa, one of my very best friends!!!

I can't believe it has finally happened for them, at 04.00GMT they will be reunited after a very long time apart and they will be married sometime soon.

If ever there was a fairy story come true it's theirs and having been kind of involved from the outset I have to say that even for me as a third party, today feels a pretty special day. I might even admit to shedding the odd happy tear on their behalf and to being somewhat overly excited when Ian called me this morning en-route, to get me to check some flight details at the last minute.

Congratulations on getting to now you two, you both deserve a lot of happiness and the most amazing future together. You earned it one way and another!

I love you guys! Be very, very happy :o)

Happy Halloween!

It's taken me until now, all these years, to finally make one of these, I just couldn't resist this year. Ta daa, my first ever pumpkin lantern....


...and no, I have no intention whatsoever of growing up, in fact I suspect I am reverting and I'm all for it! ;o)

Some days....

.....you just know you should never have got up in the morning.

Horrible, nasty, crappy day! I will be more than glad to see the back of it.

Ugh!

That's all.

Caught in a web!

I hasten to add, I checked thoroughly that there was no one 'at home' before I even considered taking these!



(You may need to click and enlarge to see the catch!)

Frustration and happiness

I am frustrated, (no guys not that kind of frustrated). I am frustrated by my recent inability to blog, not because I can't think any longer of things to blog about, rather the reverse, I can, I have so much I would like to be able to 'get out there' but for innumerable reasons I just can't.

Other people's privacy, the feelings of others, the nature of some of what has been happening, you name it, it seems that most of my current life, is for blogging purposes at least, off limits for the time being. It's driving me quietly insane what I am already? but there is nothing I can do to circumnavigate the situation right now....why oh why does Blogger not offer the protected posts facility that Wordpress does?

I could of course migrate to Wordpress but I don't in all honesty want to lose what's here and I suspect the transfer, despite promises on the Wordpress blurb that it will all be easily moved is a little on the optimistic side!

I will think of some way around it before long but until then suffice to say, things with TP are as to be expected, we are still battling on but it's a rough ride. My life is still in a kind of limbo and it's all pretty surreal. There are one or two bright spots and we make the most of the situation we find ourselves in but mostly we live day to day and deal with stuff as it hits us, which it does, with regular monotony.

There is one particular happiness to report though, an update on my post a few days back "America says I can get married". For those of you who haven't already heard, Ian got his visa today, he gets on a one way flight to the U.S. on Sunday and Lisa and he can at last be together and be married!!!

How cool and romantic and lovely is that!? :o)

For the girls!

A little something to remind us that the clocks go back this weekend.

Enjoy! ;o)

.

"America says I can get married"

Those are the words of a text I just received from Ian, words both he and Lisa, one of my very best friends, have been waiting to to say for over a year now!

What does it mean exactly? Well Lisa and Ian have been going through the long and often times difficult and frustrating process of trying to be together when living on separate continents. The upside for me of course was that I got to meet Lisa twice last year after five years of online friendship but there has been some pretty 'un-up' aspects for them trying to navigate the immigration rules and regs.

Much air travel, paperwork and hassle later, this morning Ian, having gone for the final interview stage in the process this morning, has finally been granted permission by the United States embassy to move to America and marry Lisa!!!

Yayyyyyyy!

It's been a long road as they say but at last the very best news!

Congratulations to you both!

I annoy me!

My dental traumas have long been catalogued here (see 'dentistry'tag) but to cut a long story short I have periodontal disease, the result of which is that over time my teeth are loosening and will fall out. Do not go there, the thought horrifies me let alone the reality but there is little to be done and right now, in fact for the last two years, I have one back tooth that really doesn't want to be where it should be any longer.

And thereby hangs something of a problem. I am dental phobic. I have dealt with it in the main, I have always gone to the dentist albeit under the influence of Valium, save for a period in Scotland when dentistry in the UK first became something of an economic stupidity between those practising and the government, but I have never managed to get a grip of the extraction carry on. No way. Nope. You are not pulling anything out of my head, I don't care how much anaesthesia you inject into me or how much you try to convince me it won't hurt, you are still not doing it Mr Dentist. Sorry, but just no!

So, I now have the aforementioned back tooth that is all but hanging on by a thread, it hurts all the time (they all hurt all the time courtesy of the perio. disease but this one is bad hurt), I can't eat properly, I constantly have infections, yada, yada, yada but can I get myself together enough to bite the bullet? (no pun intended) No! Seemingly I can't!

Jeez....I annoy me at times!

I did finally today persuade myself into the surgery in the hope that in my brave moment they would do the deed but it was not to be, they insisted I have an appointment. I insisted that would be pointless because I wouldn't actually make it, they insisted there was no other way, not even if I was prepared to sit and wait. I left, still with the offending tooth.

Back to square one!

I really must get myself together and sort this out but somehow, each time I try, my resolve weakens and I either cancel the appointment or 'leg it' at the last moment. I am a grown woman, it is wholly pathetic I know but knowing that doesn't help!

What is most galling is that my teeth themselves are nigh on perfect, nothing wrong with them... it's the jaw bone that's the issue so as if losing one's teeth isn't bad enough I will lose un-filled, un-capped, perfect working order teeth! Ack.

Did I mention I annoy me intensely at times?

All the world's a stage

I don't think I retained a great deal from my days in education but for some inexplicable reason one thing stuck firmly in my mind and recently I find myself keep repeating parts of it in my head.

Somehow, though very little of my education seemed relevant at the time, right now this seems to be the exception and to have new relevance.

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms;
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' brow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin'd,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well sav'd, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion;
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything."

William Shakespeare.
'As you like it' - Jaques (Act II, Scene VII, lines 139-166)

Saturday silliness!

A very lazy post but both worth a watch and a giggle!:o)

Cat betrays his girlfriend.


Best wedding entrance...ever!

Suddenly....

...life seems a little more smiley!

That's all.

:o)

The husband song

For all you hard done by guys, a little something you may identify with and to make you laugh. ;o)

Bloody computers!

I have spent the better part of the last three days trying to fix TP's computer, which, to put it in *ahem* technical terms, is completely and utterly borked!

I won't bore you with the details but it's status is far from happy and having tried absolutely everything I can think of, within my limited knowledge, it remains, still to this moment, completely and utterly borked! Nothing I have done has made a significant difference and most of what I would have liked to have tried I haven't been able too because of the problem I am trying to fix!

So...I have thrown in the towel, given up, admitted defeat, gone away with my tail between my legs and as I type, nice 'Mr Pro computer fixing guy' is taking a look at some considerable expense....and I have that horrible feeling that any minute now I am going to get a rather large dollop of egg on my face!

Watch this space.

Ugh!

Manic!

Life has become somewhat manic of late and I can't really even define exactly why but between hospital appointments, the day to day minutiae of life and trying to fit in just a tiny bit of a life, I seem to need something like 28 hours in each day at the moment!

It is thus that I have been somewhat absent in these parts...shamefully absent I will admit but it just can't be helped, when the going gets manic something has to 'give' and it's been this recently.

I am however 'onto it' and things may improve slightly, if not please just bear with me while my efforts are concentrated elsewhere.

On the positive side this doesn't mean things at chez gemmak have deteriorated, the reverse in fact. TP has been considerably stabilised having spent a few days 'holiday', as it has affectionately become known as here, at the local and very amazing hospice and quality of life has been upped significantly.

So that's it, life is a little manic but I haven't disappeared, rather just become slightly distracted on and off! ;o)

Cotton wool clouds

(Clickable)

Summer's final fling!

(Clickable)

Something amazing happened!

Life has a habit of surprising us at the most unexpected of times and this Thursday just gone was one of those times.

TP was admitted into the local hospice for a small palliative procedure for a few days on Thursday and whilst it is indeed an amazing place providing an amazing service, that isn't the story I am referring to in the title of this post.

Walking in on Thursday I was suddenly confronted by a nurse, grabbing hold of me and exclaiming loudly 'Oh my God, it's you!' At this point you will understand that I was somewhat surprised and not a little confused! The lady in question was very vaguely familiar to me but I couldn't work out why and she certainly wasn't someone I expected to be greeting me in such an effusive manner.

Having hugged me seemingly unendingly she began to enlighten me;

It transpires that years ago, maybe twelve or thirteen, when I was working on a customer services desk for a national retailer, she had been a customer. I won't bore you with the minutiae but she had 'taken issue' with me over a purchase she had made and we had become involved in a protracted conversation.... which along the way had moved from it's initial subject to something more personal and something that I have experience and some knowledge of.

Apparently I talked to her at some length, offered some advice and she left but what I said to her had somehow 'hit home'where others hadn't. She took my advice within days, did what needed to be done and the result, and this is the amazing bit, that she now considers that I quite literally saved her life!!! She tried to find me sometime later to thank me but I had left the area. She said she has thought of me often since and wondered if we would ever meet again so she could tell me how I helped her.

To say I am gobsmacked would be a pretty big understatement and whilst I'm sure she would have managed to find her way without my advice it is very humbling and pretty amazing to think I might have helped in any way. To feel that she even remembered the incident let alone that it had any impact on her life just amazes me.

We of course sat chatting for a while catching up and she then proceeded to drag me embarrassingly around the building by the arm excitedly introducing me to her colleagues as 'the woman that saved my life' *blush, ever wanted to hide in a hole?*

What is truly amazing though is that somehow we met all those years ago and I helped her unknowingly and now she has re-appeared in my life by coincidence, this time to help me and mine!

Life can be very surprising and very special when you least expect it sometimes!

It is a good thing....

....to realise that he who broke your heart and shattered your life is no longer the last thing on your mind as you fall asleep at night or the first thing on your mind as you wake up each morning!

A very good thing. :o)

Autumn sunset!

This evening....




(Clickable)

All grown up!

Remember these?....


Well they turned into these....


More here.

I haz a happy.....

....I'm not altogether sure why ahem,but I woke up this morning feeling particularly smiley and of late this isn't the usual condition in which I find myself, in fact it's most odd!

And better still, despite things going on around me doing their level best to reverse my current unexpected state I seem to be able, for now at least, to rise above it all and hang onto my happy! :o))


Long may it last....