How utterly ridiculous!

It transpires that if I could house myself on my current income, which I might add is impossible, and then if I lost my job, the state would pay to keep the roof over my head and the bills paid, at least to a point.

Nothing wrong with that perhaps but consider then that I can't afford to house myself, even in one room but I get no help, no nothing!

Now, whether one believes in the welfare state or not (and for the record I do where it is genuinely needed) this situation seems utterly, utterly stupid!

I work, I pay tax and have most of my life, I do what 'they' tell me is the 'right' thing to do (and again for the record I agree it is the right thing to do) but my mother is expected (yes, expected by the state) to put a roof over my head, at my ripe old age, but if I could find a way while I work and then render myself unemployed then my living costs would be paid.

However, I can't find a way, landlords don't take on tenants who can't pay the rent in the first place, not unsurprisingly.

Jeez. Is it any damn wonder that there are those who will work the system. It just seems all so back to front and perverse to me and the reality is, that without my family, while I work, I would quite literally be on the streets.

Perhaps I'm missing something but I don't think I am!

It makes me angry, really it does!

Meh!

It's pathetic...

...and hopeless, between getting up at the crack of dawn, working, my commitments at home and trying to stay awake I seem to have no time to blog, Twitter or pretty much anything else much these days! However, I have made it here briefly this evening.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy working and I like my job, thus far I haven't woken up with the 'ugh, it's a work day' feeling even once, I am just happy to be working and with people I like and who I get on with. It might be poorly paid and it might not be a job to die for but I love it....so I suppose it stands to reason something had to create a cloud on the horizon!

It seems that there is a distinct possibility, if not a likelihood, that I may be made redundant in a couple of months! Give me strength....how bloody typical! One step forward and two back and all of that. The thought of returning to being unemployed horrifies me but I might just have to get used to it again apparently.

I won't bore you with the details for now, I am too fed up to go into the minutiae right now, maybe it won't happen but given the last couple of years you can understand why I am tending to expect the negative on this one.

We shall see.....

Meh!

For the very last time....

....I walked OUT of the DWP - AKA 'The dole' - office this afternoon having signed the appropriate piece of paper to say I have a job!!! Yayyyy.

As I walked past the security guard on my way out, who over time I have had some banter and a few jokes with, I punched the air and he simultaneously 'whooped', we appeared to attract stern looks from the supervisor but I don't think either of us much cared!

It's over, no more of that particularly unpleasant brand of condescension, no more assumptions that I don't want to work or that I am a lower form of life and no more feeling quite so useless and on occasion being told so.

It's over, well an truly over, I am old enough and ugly enough to never say never but if I have a say in the matter I won't ever be going to that place again.... either logistically or emotionally!

I've still got a long way to go to feel I have my life back anywhere like on track and it's patently obvious I'm not used to working by the degree of utter knackered-ness I feel these last few days but it's a start and those few moments walking out of the dole office, albeit short lived for other reasons, were worth any amount of feeling tired!

I GOT IT!

Today, unusually for me these days, is worthy of two posts, the reason....

finally, amazingly, utterly surprisingly I am at last gainfully employed!! Yayyyyy!!!

Will wonders never cease?!

And so the amusing bit I referred to in a recent post...this job is a repeat of the last one, another white van from hell (yes really) only this time hopefully just the white van minus at least some of the 'hell' aspect.

Again I will be delivering lunch time delicacies to many and various, though this time it's white collar as opposed to building sites, it's some distance from home and the employer is not only a much more professional outfit than the last bunch of cowboys but they are also their direct competition which adds a little interest!

Ok, so not much of a job but it's a job, it's not quite full time but it has potential and if today's trial is anything to go by they are a nice group of people....again unlike the last lot.

So that's it, I have a job, it's a starting point and it gives me back a little of my self respect if nothing else.

Oh....and tomorrow is date number two with the new guy!

Things are hopefully beginning to change.....

The job thing!

Well then, I went for the interview on Wednesday as planned and it went particularly well, remarkably well in fact even if I do say so myself.... and today I will join my prospective new boss for the day to shadow him, and for the both of us to see how it works out.

More than that I don't know at this stage, I haven't been offered the job as such yet but I am, let's say, cautiously optimistic.

I won't tell you what, when, where, how etc. at this stage,that might be tempting fate, if I get it I will divulge all then. It's not a fantastic job by any stretch of the imagination but it does have an ironically amusing aspect to it!

So....that's it, today at least, I am off to work for the day, it all feels pretty strange after so long and somewhat nerve-wracking but hey.....my nerves have been wracked before one way and another recently, this is not a new phenomenon....... ;)

The crap car, the date and an interview!

Tired, late night, this will be short and to the point;

The car pulled in an MOT fail but thankfully not too bad a fail. The bits that required fixing to limp it through a retest have been done and later today I should secure the much needed pass certificate.

The date was unusually successful, a good time was had, more if progress is made, let's face it, we have been this far before!

....and suddenly I have an interview today, more on that if it works out. This time I think I am maybe in with more chance but the situation is pretty amusing, again, more another time!

Homeward bound

Today I go back home, my holiday is over, this is not a good thing as you can imagine!

My motivation to get packed up and hit the road is what one might call virtually non existent, life has felt pretty 'normal' and happy the last fortnight and I suspect that is about to change.

On a more positive note I have found a few jobs to apply for and managed to get myself through one interview, one may not be many but in comparison to opportunities of late, it's a 100% improvement!

Ok, I have the hump today, best I shut up and just concentrate on getting my head back around reality....

The countdown has begun...

....to my small holiday-ette! Only three more sleeps.

Friday morning, bright eyed and hopefully bushy tailed I am off for about a week to my sisters in the Midlands. It may not sound like the usual salubrious kind of holiday destination but there's no flight costs, it's a change of scenery and I can get back quickly should it be required....always assuming the crap car doesn't disintegrate en-route! Hey, it's a break, that's good enough.

Alternative arrangements have been made for my responsibilities here and thus far it appears to be a go, famous last words but with a little luck and a prevailing wind it will happen....and I can't wait!

A whole week of less stress, the highly entertaining company of my two teenage nieces, my sister and brother are always good company, different places to investigate, uninterrupted time to dedicate to looking for a job and time to just 'be' and get my head together some. Oh, and there's the rabbit of course! :)

Bring it on!

Credit where credit's due!

Among all the horrible-ness of yesterday there was one very pleasant surprise and from probably my least expected source!

The day started at nine with my three monthly 'hauling over the coals' DWP interview. My experience of these thus far has been pretty appalling, I have been condescended too, treated with contempt and ill manners and generally humiliated by staff who have the customer facing skills of an angry rhinoceros on previous occasions but yesterday it was different, very much so!

The lady who conducted my interview was well spoken, polite, knew her stuff and most of all was very sympathetic to my current situation and the pressures that creates in my ability to find work and in the event that I do, to manage it alongside my current stressful home situation. Add to that she discussed with me various other options, explained aspects of the system I was unaware of and made all manner of helpful suggestions!

I left feeling a little more positive and hopeful and with a degree of pressure lifted from my shoulders, I had anticipated the usual dreadful and stressful hour of unhelpful annoyance, but for once my expectations were proven wrong.

It is of course not a good indictment of the system that this experience is so rare but I am thankful for small mercies and credit where it's due, this lady was, albeit seemingly a rare breed within government departments, excellent, helpful and saved my day!

Motivation........ zero!

So, I have all this time on my own, I could do a million things, well ok, maybe that's something of an exaggeration but you get my drift, but I'm not, I'm doing what I have too and precious little more.

It's nice but it's kind of aggravating at the same time!

My motivation seems to have 'done the off', something that doesn't often happen to me and what I am doing I feel I am doing in a half hearted fashion much of the time. It's not hard to be demotivated I'll admit, where looking for a job is involved, the constant disappointment in there being very little out there gets wearing and the knowing that even when there is a possible I am up against usually hundreds of other 'desperately seeking somethings'....most of whom are usually younger and better qualified than I am. But I trudge on with that one.

It's all the other stuff, I just can't get myself going with my usual verve, I am always busy but somehow not as busy as I would like to be.

I'm not entirely sure why I am suddenly afflicted in this way but I suspect that having been given a break from the last years pretty extreme stresses my small mind has decided to take a little 'recovery holiday' and given up the ghost to some degree, much as as soon as one is on holiday from work one is hit with a heinous cold or some other yukky-ness.

I'm not depressed (believe me, I know depressed), I'm not miserable, I'm just on a kind of mental low power level...which would be fine and dandy but dammit, I feel guilty for not rushing around like a thing demented! I think that over the last year I have got so used to feeling stressed that as soon as the stressors are gone I feel a little lost! Probably normal 'habit' reaction I know but still damn annoying!

*Note to self - it is ok to be a bit lazy for a week!

Home alone!

The last months have been pretty tough going one way and another and somehow in my tunnel visioned way I had never really looked beyond getting the funeral over with...and when I had looked slightly beyond that I think I imagined that life would become simpler and I would get my life back.

Wrong!

I suspect I was a little over optimistic on that front or perhaps I just didn't look beyond to this point, in an effort to cope with the 'here and now' at the time. Suddenly however, life isn't what I had anticipated and instead I am faced with what seems to be the almost impossible task of finding a job and of taking care of my mother, who whilst she is coping in many ways, is requiring more taking care of than I had anticipated, my naively looked forward to freedom is once again somewhat curtailed some for the immediate future.

However, this week, in an effort to give 'the mother' a change of scenery and myself a break, my sister has kidnapped and spirited her away to the midlands for a week and I have the whole house and 24/7 all to myself and I'm loving it, absolutely no responsibilities for six whole days, do what I want, when I want, how I want and with no-one but me to consider!!! I had forgotten what this feels like and it's fab!

I love my mother dearly of course but I have done my share and a few days off is being much relished. In actual fact, aside from trawl the employment websites and go for walks via coffee shops I haven't actually done a great deal but it's the knowing I have the freedom to do what I want without worrying that feels so good! The being able to eat when I want, sleep and wake, go in and out when I want, all the little things that usually I have to think about and plan to some degree, that I am enjoying so much!

Now, back to the job thing.....

Beginning again!

At last, I have found a positive in not working!

Today I can snigger madly at the sight and the thought of everyone else shuffling back to work bleary eyed and grumpy after the Christmas holidays! I can stay warm and cosy indoors with no nasty boss to face nor a backlog of work that was cheerfully abandoned in the pre-festivity highs only to be faced this morning. There is a silver lining to every cloud! ;)

However, the sniggering will be short lived because here starts the rest of my life. There are still issues to be addressed at home since the death of my father and things are not all as straightforward as I might like them to be but the job hunting begins again, in earnest, from now.

This is not going to be an easy nut to crack. I've been out of work for one reason or another for getting on for two years now and paid employment still appears to be about as rare as hens teeth (thanks Gordon), but try I must. It's all a bit daunting and scary, I have lived through so many changes and oddities in the two years in question that really I just would like to hide away for a while but that's not an option.

So here starts phase one of trying to re-build my life yet again from the ground up.

You would think I was used to it by now really wouldn't you!


*I may or may not blog the minutiae of the hunt, I'll see how I feel, last time it became too depressing to keep going over one rejection after another!

Interview #2....

...took place this morning, involved some pretty arduous testing and more of the traditional interview stuff and appeared to go very well.

So bloody 'well' in fact that the end result was my being told me I am way over qualified and hence probably not suitable for the job!! Fab!

The parting shot was that I would be contacted sometime next week with the final outcome but I suspect we can probably guess what it's going to be.

Hey ho....next! On the positive side the whole rigmarole was good experience and if I have to be turned down better for that reason than the alternative!

The interview....

.....appeared to go well is the best I can say, but who knows!

As ever it seems it was pretty much of a grilling but I survived it intact and there was talk of 'getting me back' to meet some of the hierarchy in a few days.

Whether it was just talk remains to be seen but I should know in a day or two.

Amusingly, she says with some large degree of sarcasm, I had to 'sign on' immediately after the interview, when I asked the woman who is supposed to be 'helping me back to work' if she was interested in the fact that I had arrived hot foot from an interview she said no! When I asked her if she had any jobs on her system for me today she said....no, without as much as a glance at her screen and that she didn't have time.

I will add here that there were five staff members visible, three of whom were chatting and I was the sole 'client' in the building!

Ppffttt......each time I go there I get more incensed!

Would you credit it....

....I have a job interview next week, the first for some time!!!

Most applications don't even warrant the basic etiquette of a reply these days let alone an interview but this one has, so who knows, it's just nice in the current climate thank you Mr Brown to merely have my C.V. make the grade!

No details yet, other than it's only part-time but that's better than no-time. I'll regale you with more details should I secure the position, chickens and eggs and all that......

If..........

.....I had much to say I would say it but life seems just to be kind of pottering along at the moment in a fairly uneventful manner with little of note to report. I am of course not complaining, after the last few months 'issues' just to begin to feel slightly 'normal' (don't say it those of you I know will be tempted!) now and again is pretty acceptable and I'm trying my best to see the positive side of my situation.

Ok, so I don't have a job and that has all the obvious negatives but I can't change that immediately, I can only keep looking and waiting, but in the meantime I have made a concious decision to try and not worry about it unendingly. Worrying won't alter the world's current financial situation and it certainly help won't find me work! The only thing it will serve to achieve is to make me more miserable, so for now I'm trying to count my blessings and concentrate on how lucky I am in other aspects of my life..... and how to be able to spend my days sat in the sun in the park reading and watching the world go by isn't all bad!

Yes, it might not be ideal to say the least, but it could be worse, and I've come to the conclusion that life's just too bloody short! So I haven't got a job and I haven't got any money but I do have a roof over my head, food in my tummy, people who love me and who I love and some pretty amazing friends...and those are the things in life that ultimately matter, people, living life, loving and caring and accepting that not everything is always within our control.

I might not be able to maintain a positive approach always and there might be much I would like to change if I could but beating my head against the proverbial wall to achive things that for now I can't, isn't going to help!

More governmental buffoon-ery!

You may recall if you are a loyal visitor here that last week I had been summoned to a 'three monthly inane, pointless nagging review'with the DSS, the purpose of which is supposed to help me back into work but the reality of which is merely another effort at government stats manipulation and humiliation for those in my position.

Prior to this appointment I had one a few weeks earlier for the same purpose, which I had severely 'told off' for not attending, despite my never having been informed of the appointment in the first place, a fact they wouldn't believe until after much arguing they found my copy of the notification letter still loitering in their file! Apologies were not very forthcoming, rather I was treated to much excuse making!

Appointment two was last weeks....when I duly at the allotted time for that one I was told it had been cancelled....my enquiry as to why no one had taken the time to inform me earlier was met with yet more excuses and little in the way of apology. I felt at this point is was necessary to articulate my extreme displeasure in no uncertain terms and with some degree of assertion, something that still barely moved them to apology but did illicit the attention of the hovering security guard!!! Hell fire, I'm five foot and barely 7.5 stone, presumably the assumption must have been that because I was unhappy, rather than state my case reasonably, if with some degree of annoyance, and have them address it reasonably, I was going to 'kick off' in some manner! Idiots!

So yesterday came and this time they managed to call me in the morning......to remind me 'not to forget I had an appointment'...jeez, I don't need to spell out for you why that immediately had my hackles rising but I calmed down and off I went, yet again for this damn pointless exercise.

At least this time it wasn't cancelled as I walked through the door, perhaps I should be thankful for that if nothing else but the rest was utter tosh. My interviewer was a completely humourless, middle aged, pin money type with so little cognisance of the real world it was frightening. She informed me that as I have now been claiming benefits for three months I will be expected to take a job, should one arise on minimum wage and with a travelling time of up to 90 minutes each way, made me sign copious pieces of paper and then having told me she would be able to 'find me something', had absolutely no understanding of my amusement when the computer said 'NO'!

Oh....and despite filling in a very long winded form concerning another matter a few weeks ago so that I could avoid a problem in a few weeks time.....they have lost it, have no record of it, I must be mistaken it must have been a different form, more excuses yada, yada, yada, I have to start all over again with that.

This government department defies belief, it is utterly incompetent and utterly infuriating....go and see my MP was suggested to me yesterday. Sorry, forgive my scepticism but why do I feel that would just be another frustrating lack of action or common sense!!!!

Give me strength!!! All this for £60 as week! ...though to be honest I wouldn't mind if they could just operate with any small degree of ability or business acumen.

Buffoons, the lots of them!

Jumping through more hoops!

So, not satisfied with enforcing the fortnightly humiliation of 'signing on', we the great unwashed that make up this countries current unemployment figures are also treated to yet more of the same stupidity in what will, I suspect, become yet another form of torturous effort in holding my patience while some spotty youth hauls me over another set of coals.

This afternoon I have to deal with the delight of what is referred to by the benefits office as my 'three monthly review'....for three monthly review please read, 'three monthly infuriating, idiotic waste of time'!

I did one of these many years ago and I imagine this one will be no different, merely another exercise in humiliating me while I sit there trying to defend my position against remaining unemployed, really, I wouldn't mind but jeez, why do I remain without gainful employment? BECAUSE THERE ARE NO FREAKING JOBS!!! that's why. They know that as well as we looking for work do, hell fire, the last three times I have attended for my fortnightly visit they have even told me so, but still they persist in this debacle and still the staff behave as if by actually having work they are in comparison to we lesser mortals, demi gods! No doubt it will be suggested to me that I attend a course of some description, that may if I'm very lucky, try to teach me how to embolden a line of text in Word...but which will also manipulate their statistics in some manner positive only to themselves!

But I shall endure it and no doubt I will hold my temper (while my blood pressure rockets with the effort) for one reason only I have no choice, the last job I applied for two weeks ago, I was more than well qualified to do but I didn't even secure an interview, there were over sixty applicants....and it wasn't a job to die for I promise you!

I am beginning to get pretty angry with the whole thing and I don't usually 'do' angry, perhaps my anger should in part be aimed toward other areas of my life right now because I suspect that's in part where some of it stems from but really, whatever, I am fed up to the back teeth of being treated like an idiot by people and organisations who have absolutely no bloody right or justification in doing so!!!

...and all this from an imbecilic government, who whilst they question my every move, behave in the fashion they currently do. Hell fire, I wish I could make as much from the system as they seem to be able too!!!! Arghhhhhhhhh!!!

Catch 22!

I'm feeling a bit disgruntled with life of late!

By that I don't mean my life as a whole, I am very well aware that there are many good things in my life and things I am very grateful and thankful for, I am way luckier than many and I genuinely appreciate that but still my life seems something of a muddle and out of my control, or at least, parts of it do.

The issue is this in a nutshell... I don't have a job, I can't find one and finding one is getting harder and harder by the day! This is not new and sadly there are increasing numbers of people in my situation but it's as frustrating and disheartening as hell because as time goes by, not only is it becoming harder because the economic climate is putting people out of work instead of into it, but also because the longer it goes on, the less confident I feel about the whole bloody issue and the prospect of starting over yet again becomes more and more daunting.

I remember years ago when my mother went back to work having raised myself and my siblings for sixteen years listening to her say how terrifying it was. I laughed, I just couldn't understand where she was coming from....well I damn well do now!

I know the psycho babble and I know it's a matter of biting the bullet but waiting to bite that bullet is the tough bit, just waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping and all the time the opportunities get less and less along with my confidence!

So much in life seems to depend on our having paid employment, our own self esteem, societies opinion of us and obviously our ability to move on in life financially....and that for me is the really tough bit. My life feels on hold.... I can't get it re-started without a job....and I can't get a freaking job!

On a day to day basis some might think it's nice not to have to work, and I can understand that, it is nice in some respects but it's not so nice when it's not by choice. I can't sit back and enjoy the good aspects because if I do I'll lose the motivation to find work, but in having to maintain the motivation and not allow myself to sit back and enjoy, I am constantly having to face the negative aspects of the whole issue! Add to that, if I try to be cheerful and make the most of what I do have I worry people will assume I'm just being lazy and that I don't want to work and if I moan and groan I feel like....well just like all I do is moan and groan!

Catch 22! Twice! Bum!

I'm not alone in this I know and time and maybe a little luck will eventually resolve it but I'm feeling a bit disgrunteld with the whole damn thing just now.

Ghost town - recession bites!

The Specials 'Ghost Town' is a track I have liked since the day it was first released but I suppose we thought it's meaning was something now behind us, consigned to a decade that was probably best forgotten and the economics and difficulties of which none of us relished the prospect of going through again. Fast forward 28 years and here we are again....it's lyrics becoming frighteningly pertinent once more!


The little town in Cambridgeshire in which we live is a beautiful place, we are lucky. Set on a river it boasts period architecture, countryside, wetlands, wildlife and a market-town center, that whilst it may not be a hub for big designer shopping expeditions, offers just about everything one might need on a day to day basis....and it's reasonably affluent, and that's the worrying aspect!

Why is it worrying? Because even with all that going for it, the last few months have seen it begin to slide into very obvious economic decline as the recession bites and before very much longer and if the situation doesn't improve it's going to begin to resemble an 80's ghost town!

In the last few weeks more and more units have become empty shells, we have lost Woolworths, a shoe shop, a gift shop, our book shop, and an independent department store that has withstood decades of economic up's and down's is now teetering precariously on the edge of disaster. With each closure comes a gaping empty hole where not too long ago there was a working business, a constant reminder like we needed any more reminders of the real impact on people's hard worked for lives, of businesses built up and lost and of employees now facing the uncertainty of unemployment and how to pay next months mortgage.

If it can happen in this affluent little town it can happen anywhere and at the current rate of closures, before very much longer, what was a busy market town will all too soon begin to resemble The Specials vision of the 1980's! Empty retail units seem to be dotted along every street all too obviously and already something of the vibrancy seems to be missing from the day to day bustle.

What was an economic crisis that we listened about on the news has suddenly become all too apparent and real......

This town, is coming like a ghost town
All the clubs have been closed down
This place, is coming like a ghost town
Bands won't play no more
too much fighting on the dance floor

Do you remember the good old days
Before the ghost town?
We danced and sang,
And the music played inna de boomtown

This town, is coming like a ghost town
Why must the youth fight against themselves?
Government leaving the youth on the shelf
This place, is coming like a ghost town
No job to be found in this country
Can't go on no more
The people getting angry.