Fed up-ness and phones

It's a strange thing but the bank holiday weekend we are supposed to look forward too was something of a double edge sword for me at least and I'm probably not alone. I think it's something similar to that 'Christmas thing' that is always talked of in the festive season...the word that sums it up is 'loneliness'.

During the week, even before I was working, the week and even most weekends seemed reasonably well 'populated' the few friends I have close by and all of those I have online are kicking around but this weekend everyone suddenly disappeared en masse. Well to be more accurate not so much disappeared as have better things to do, families to spend time with, partners to relax with or days out and visiting to do....and my weekend became a 'study in lonely'. I don't recall the last time I felt quite so alone, I'm used to amusing myself and filling my time but normally there is some company or small event to look forward to...not this time.

In an effort to make something of it I at least decided it was about time I treated myself to a luxury in recognition of my getting a job, something I really shouldn't spend money on...a new phone! Hey, I have been running the old one for over two years, I can justify it!

So, the new phone, a Nokia X6, fantabulous, love it....but it is proof that material possession is so much less important than people. I'm a gadget freak, I adore all that stuff but it doesn't stop the loneliness. Dammit!

It's been...

...a pretty hectic week but I think I am finally getting to grips with the working thing!

I still feel half asleep much of the time and it's not helped by my inability to actually sleep when I fall into bed but it is beginning at least, to feel like the norm to be back working.

I just don't seem to be able to fit stuff in like I used too, hence my almost complete absence from here and similar absence from all my usual old haunts, Facebook, Twitter etc..... dammit, I don't even remember to answer half of the text messages I receive, unheard of in gemmak's-ville, I'm usually the one that replies annoyingly quickly!

Other news, er... not much, though I did go out with a friend last night who had an amazing piece of very touching news while we were together, I can't give you details but it was massive, tear invoking stuff and left me, even by proxy, feeling pretty emotional and with something of a renewed sense of life occasionally being good if you give it time. Hell, I'm still smiling and feeling a bit moved and affected by it 24 hours later!

Ok, I'm a soft lump I know.

Right then, I will try and do better here after this poor, almost post-less week but no promises just yet!

Is it really possible...

.....to be this tired??

I know I get up early for work now and I know I'm not as young as I used to be or used to working but hell fire, by 9pm every evening I am fit for nothing this last week or two and it doesn't seem to be improving any!

Add to which last night I couldn't sleep for the heat, despite feeling completely knackered, and managed only about two hours.... and tomorrow morning I have to be up at 4.30am!

How long does this working malarkey take to get used to, does anybody know?? ;)

Incidentally, all things considered I am loving it, as far as work goes it's not bad and it's fab to feel vaguely normal again at least in one respect. It might not solve all my current problems and it might not be the job of a lifetime and one I can stay with forever but it's a start, it gets me out of the house and into the real world meeting people and whilst it doesn't offer a kings ransom for a salary it does offer more than the dole and I no longer have to tolerate the humiliation and prejudice that 'signing on' involves! :)

The other side

Yesterday I decided to spend the afternoon in the park enjoying the sunshine and getting me a little headspace.... and as luck would have it, when I arrived, coincidentally a couple of friends were there and invited me to join them.

We had an amusing and relaxing afternoon of lighthearted banter, chatter and joviality and it struck me that it was probably the first time for well over a year that I have been in the company of more than only one other person at a time, family aside, and just 'had a giggle' had fun just for the sake of it, been giddy and silly and properly relaxed and it felt almost profoundly 'normal' and very nice but also a very stark contrast to how my life has become over the last year. I just haven't been able to do that 'normal' stuff for so long that to be able to felt almost peculiar or strange. As the chatter went on around me, for a moment I felt myself almost marvelling that I felt so lighthearted and ordinarily cheerful, things I don't remember feeling for a long, long time.

The time didn't involve worry or death or cancer or chemotherapy or medication or taking care of my mother or funerals or wills or any of the other myriad issues that have been my life for what feels like almost forever now. I didn't have to consider anyone else, I didn't have to be responsible for anything or keeping and eye out for anyone else's welfare, I could just have fun, be me and do what I wanted with a few friends.

It was short lived, they went off to the pub in the late afternoon for the evening but I had to decline their invitation to join them and go back to 'my normality'....hell, you have no idea how much I wished I could have just gone with them and carried on just feeling free.

I really hadn't realised quite how much of my life has been completely taken up with all that stuff, or how the fall out and trying to help my mother come to terms with it, are and have been, almost all I seem to have time to think about....and I'm not sure it's a good thing entirely to be reminded of 'normality!

Yes, I had a lovely afternoon but it almost made it harder to have to go back to my current situation, I felt like I had been let out of prison for a few hours and going back wasn't something I relished. I liked feeling normal and free, I liked laughing and I want more of it, much more, I want to be able to be spontaneous again, to make my own decisions and do more of what I want to do without having to plan and plot to achieve it!

Getting more however is going to be a whole other issue. It ain't easy and I don't see it changing greatly anytime soon, my circumstances don't have a simple or quick solution and I'm pretty much stuck with them for now. Yes, I have finally got a job but it's not enough, the only way out is to move out and here, this close to London, rent for a small flat or even a room in many cases, is more alone than I actually earn in a month!

It's unfair to say I never get out, I do now and then (maybe I will blog that another time) but it can never be spontaneous and it always involves a degree of worry about my mother and some pre-planning. In part I didn't have children because I liked my freedom and the ability to be spontaneous, they for me were the payback for not having children but now it seems I am just as tied anyway, if not more so and ironically, had I had children I probably wouldn't be as tied into my current situation as I now am!

Call me selfish if you will and to be fair I can't blog the details to illustrate properly what I am dealing with but I begin to feel like my life is passing me by in a way that I hate and I just can't find a solution to it however much I wrack my brains. Some days I feel I can't cope for one more moment but I just have to 'keep on keeping on' because there is just no other option either practically or morally.

For the forseeable future, short of doing a disappearing act, which believe me has crossed my mind on more than one occasion, I seem to be completely and utterly cornered! :(

A hit man, a bloody nose and other stuff!

Marvellous, so I blog my sixth blogiversary and the number of posts I have had you all suffer in that time and then what....damn all, I go awol, a most unimpressive start to my seventh year I would say! ;)

Ok, so I'm going to make an excuse.....I am bloody knackered, completely and utterly knackered, worn out, tired and longing for a lie in but hell I'm loving being back at work. You just don't know how horrible not working is until you do it long term, really, I know we all moan and groan about going to work and I'm sure I will be just the same in a few weeks time but still, work is about so much more than money.

Excuses over with and what can I tell you, well the last time I did this job it was pretty different to this but I'll go into that another time when my eyelids are more operational but a few points of note and minor amusement from my life this week are;

1. I tried to exit a revolving door at the entrance of one of my customers posh offices and managed to attempt my exit one 'turn' too soon, straight into a glass wall....a small nose bleed and feeling of complete stupidity followed! What can I say, the glass was clean, it was sunny, it was a mistake anyone could make, but it had to be me!

2. I had a very near miss with a Lamborghini!!! Disaster was averted with only a split second to spare thankfully, not sure that claim would have impressed the new boss too much.

3. I have learned to go for four hours without a cigarette! Please don't anyone say if I can do that I can stop. I can't, you haven't witnessed me at the end of the four hours....but I can do the four hours and I'm kinda pleased about that alone.

4. The latest (nearly)dating disaster involved a guy who after much chatting and appearing to be intellectual, very amusing and very nice.....began telling me he was a hit man/mercenary (WTF) and trying to support his claim with quite convincing and worrying documentation!! Moreover, when I expressed a lack of interest he was surprised!! Sorry sunshine but you either kill for money and I'm not interested or you are a sad fantasist and I'm still not impressed. Jeez, there's always one isn't there but why do so bloody many of them seem to track me down??

I hasten to add I didn't ever get beyond the internet stage, even I am not that daft!

So, that's about it then, that's the best I can do in the way of an update for today! :)

Six years old!

Ohhhhhh, 'gemmak' was six years old on Friday just gone and I forgot! How remiss of me.

Six years of me harping on about miscellaneous tripe through 2278 posts, heaven knows how much longer you will have to tolerate this!

Thank you guys for keeping on reading, you all deserve medals or cakes or something!! :)

Rainy days and Sundays....

Taken on my phone this afternoon....just about sums the day up! Meh.

Which way is up?

It's been a very odd week, very odd indeed and I feel completely out of any small comfort zone I may have once inhabited!

Getting a job and starting work is of course good and in the main I have enjoyed it but I am a creature of habit and the whole messing up of my, albeit previously very boring, routine has reduced me to some degree of not knowing which way is up, if in fact there is an 'up' at all! I feel like I'm treading water in a thick fog somewhere utterly strange to me and it's all a bit unnerving to be honest.

Add to that my home 'situation' remains very difficult, probably more so for my being out all day working and I have had one or two things going on in the background that I can't or don't want to go into here but which I've found pretty difficult and upsetting.

Everything has seemed to happen at once, nothing happened for months and then in the space of a week everything has changed, well ok, not everything of course but right now it feels pretty much like it and I feel pretty alone trying to get a handle on it all.

Mostly I suppose I just wish at the moment I had someone to go home too, talk things over with and to give me a cuddle.

But you know what they say......'if wishes were horses' and all that, so best I just get on with it.

Week one survived!

Well, that's the first week over and despite the extreme tiredness and the stress of trying not to mess up I will confess to having enjoyed being back at work!

I'm sure in time like everyone I will grumble before long that I don't want to go to work on the odd occasion but if I do, please someone, just remind me how it was when I didn't!

So, the first week was a bit fraught but by today I felt like I had it sorted, I didn't get lost, didn't miss any customers and made every call on time....that said my bottom line wasn't as good today, which was my first day alone, so I'm a bit disappointed and worried that will be viewed negatively. I really wanted to do everything well today but I suppose I can't have it all so fingers crossed that next week the sales aspect improves because I have a two week probation period to complete...eeeekkkkk!

For the very last time....

....I walked OUT of the DWP - AKA 'The dole' - office this afternoon having signed the appropriate piece of paper to say I have a job!!! Yayyyy.

As I walked past the security guard on my way out, who over time I have had some banter and a few jokes with, I punched the air and he simultaneously 'whooped', we appeared to attract stern looks from the supervisor but I don't think either of us much cared!

It's over, no more of that particularly unpleasant brand of condescension, no more assumptions that I don't want to work or that I am a lower form of life and no more feeling quite so useless and on occasion being told so.

It's over, well an truly over, I am old enough and ugly enough to never say never but if I have a say in the matter I won't ever be going to that place again.... either logistically or emotionally!

I've still got a long way to go to feel I have my life back anywhere like on track and it's patently obvious I'm not used to working by the degree of utter knackered-ness I feel these last few days but it's a start and those few moments walking out of the dole office, albeit short lived for other reasons, were worth any amount of feeling tired!

How tired?

Just a quickie....work was good, seem a nice bunch of people, the day flew by but I am soooo not used to this working malarkey and I don't remember the last time I was this tired.

Tomorrow and Wednesday are the real test however so I need my bed, NOW!

Back to work!

Today is my first day, I start at 6.30am, I'm as nervous as hell, terrified I'll get lost, or forget my route or mess up in some other way and my head's not in an entirely good place after yesterday's debacle.... but I expect that's all pretty normal.

I don't quite know what my new routine will be like or when I'll next get to blog but hopefully in a day or two I'll have myself in some semblance of order and I won't be gone for long!

You should be so lucky eh? ;)

Another date disaster

What can I say, we spent all day and evening together, all seemed fantastic, we talked and laughed all day....and then he text me this morning to say he doesn't want to see me again!!

The reason? I smoke. He knew that already. Ick.

Nothing more to say then. One thing is for sure, much as I would like to be able to give up I can't be in a relationship that depends on it, I can't promise something I can't guarantee to deliver and maybe I can't be in a relationship where there is so little tolerance or discussion!

But nonetheless I'm a bit sad, he was a really nice guy, I don't like this feeling but I'm beginning to get used to it....frogs and all that.

I GOT IT!

Today, unusually for me these days, is worthy of two posts, the reason....

finally, amazingly, utterly surprisingly I am at last gainfully employed!! Yayyyyy!!!

Will wonders never cease?!

And so the amusing bit I referred to in a recent post...this job is a repeat of the last one, another white van from hell (yes really) only this time hopefully just the white van minus at least some of the 'hell' aspect.

Again I will be delivering lunch time delicacies to many and various, though this time it's white collar as opposed to building sites, it's some distance from home and the employer is not only a much more professional outfit than the last bunch of cowboys but they are also their direct competition which adds a little interest!

Ok, so not much of a job but it's a job, it's not quite full time but it has potential and if today's trial is anything to go by they are a nice group of people....again unlike the last lot.

So that's it, I have a job, it's a starting point and it gives me back a little of my self respect if nothing else.

Oh....and tomorrow is date number two with the new guy!

Things are hopefully beginning to change.....

The job thing!

Well then, I went for the interview on Wednesday as planned and it went particularly well, remarkably well in fact even if I do say so myself.... and today I will join my prospective new boss for the day to shadow him, and for the both of us to see how it works out.

More than that I don't know at this stage, I haven't been offered the job as such yet but I am, let's say, cautiously optimistic.

I won't tell you what, when, where, how etc. at this stage,that might be tempting fate, if I get it I will divulge all then. It's not a fantastic job by any stretch of the imagination but it does have an ironically amusing aspect to it!

So....that's it, today at least, I am off to work for the day, it all feels pretty strange after so long and somewhat nerve-wracking but hey.....my nerves have been wracked before one way and another recently, this is not a new phenomenon....... ;)

I won, I won, I won!!

Well...there's a turn up, I have won something, I don't usually win stuff, in fact I'm not sure I have ever won stuff before but today I have!!

What have I won? I have won 'The laughing Chimp Award', Urbanvox's recent blog competition to blog 'My most embarrassing incident ever'.

Apparently mine was suitably embarrassing to take top spot, it felt it at the time I have to admit but when I was lying there in hospital undergoing the embarrassing procedure[s] necessary I don't think I ever envisaged it would win me a prize!

Somehow it seems rather fitting does it not! ;)

The post can be found by scrolling down a little or HERE.

Anyways, thankyou Mr Vox and your judges, you made my day!

The crap car, the date and an interview!

Tired, late night, this will be short and to the point;

The car pulled in an MOT fail but thankfully not too bad a fail. The bits that required fixing to limp it through a retest have been done and later today I should secure the much needed pass certificate.

The date was unusually successful, a good time was had, more if progress is made, let's face it, we have been this far before!

....and suddenly I have an interview today, more on that if it works out. This time I think I am maybe in with more chance but the situation is pretty amusing, again, more another time!

Car karma?

At eight o'clock this morning the crap car is due to undergo it's annual and very scary MOT test. The test itself of course is not scary but the outcome very well might be...very scary indeed.

Add to that I have a much looked forward to date tonight, which requires I drive an approximate one hundred mile round trip.....you see my immediate dilemma should the stamp on the oh so important piece of paper carry the heinous 'FAIL' word!

I am on pins waiting and hoping that this is where my luck chooses to change!

Any good car karma is more than welcome to be sent my way ;)

Frustration!

'gemmak', or at least gemmak the blog will be six years old in a week or two's time but more recently this little space on the internet has become more and more frustrating for me. Not because I can't think of anything to write, precisely the reverse, I can think of much I would like to say, but I can't!

As time has marched on gemmak has undergone some degree of 'outing', as many blog/bloggers have. Some of this gradual erosion of anonymity is the result of my own sometimes slightly too complacent attitude and some as the result of other circumstances.

When I began I didn't have any real idea why I was blogging or what I hoped I would gain from it, to be honest I didn't imagine anyone would read it or that I would sustain it for long but as the years passed and life 'did it's thing' I found I was using blogging, to some degree at least in a quite cathartic way. Psychology has long recognised that writing things down when the going gets tough can be helpful and for me blogging has the same effect, though in a stronger sense. I can't define why that is, I don't know if it because blogging provides feedback and support, because I have maybe a narcissistic streak, because just writing certain experiences in itself helps to clarify the mind or whether it's a little bit of all of those things. Whichever or whatever it is cathartic and on occasion I suspect being able to 'out it out there' (whatever 'it' may be) has probably helped save my sometimes questionable sanity.

So why the frustration? Well, as my anonymity has gradually been lost I am less and less able to put into the public domain certain aspects of my life. I sit here frequently itching to type about some particular issue or event and just can't, either to protect the privacy of others involved or because I am aware that what I want to say risks offending or upsetting some who read. It frustrates the hell out of me.

I have looked into moving the whole blog (much too big a job given the number of posts and images) to a platform that allows protected posts, I have considered just ditching this and starting over (but the narcissistic bit of me can't bear to lose all this now) and I have considered linking certain posts to another private blog or passworded account. None of those options seem to be quite suitable for one reason or another unfortunately and so I remain frustrated with my finger ends poised to type, feeling somewhat gagged and wondering why the hell Blogger can't or doesn't offer the protected post option.

Answers on a postcard (or comment) please!

Bite me!