Progress perhaps!

Well then, perhaps, just maybe, possibly, things are beginning to move very slowly in the right direction at last!

It feels like it has been a lifetime in the coming and experience has taught me that anything could change in an instant but right now, right this moment in time, one or two aspects of my life are looking ever so slightly, up.

Firstly there's 'N', the new man in my life, it has it's complications, some of which you just couldn't make up (I'll save the details for another post) but it's good and it's getting gooder. That of course scares the life out of me in itself, for me, with good comes the fear of loss but I am trying really hard not to allow myself to fall into that trap again and to enjoy the here and now...famous last words, don't nag please, I know, self fulfilling prophecies and all that but I'm doing my best.

Secondly there is my job, which in the short term at least seems a tiny little bit more secure. I have worked damn hard to get it to where it is in the three months I have been in the position but if it keeps me employed then it's worth it. It would be nice to feel it was more secure but maybe in this day and age very few people have real job security and after all the time I spent unemployed I am just grateful to have a job at all.

Lastly there is the crap car, tomorrow (I know, Friday the thirteenth but dammit the new me is not going to worry about that....too much) it goes into a garage to have many of the multitude of now very significant and long standing problems it has, fixed. Suspension, drive shaft/CV joint yada yada yada. The bill could be horrific, possibly more than the car is worth but as a discharged bankrupt I don't have a hope in hell of buying a new one so this one is worth way more to me than it's monetary value.

...and you know the best bit? I have saved the money to pay for it myself, all of it, every last penny!

It may seem a small achievement to many but to me, after the last few years of relying on the state or friends and family, you have no idea just how good it feels! If it wipes me out again it will be worth it just for the feeling that knowing I have worked, saved and paid for it myself gives me! :)

I still have many a mountain to climb to get my life anything like where I would like it to be and the rebuilding process continues... but maybe, tentatively, things are beginning to progress in an upward direction just a little.

ooopssss....

.....sorry, was that a whole week just gone by without a single post? Hmmmm I think so!

Oooppssss!

Um, what can I say, I am being particularly crap here lately but I am having way too good a time and I just can't seem to find the time for this blogging thing too often right now.

My mother is currently away for a few days with my sister, work is pretty manic and well, the new guy 'thing' is going good as they say. I barely seem to make it online at all at the moment, let alone long enough to blog, or moreover to read blogs.

I have emails coming out of my ears waiting for a response, a head full of things I want to write here and all manner of other stuff I really should get too but hey....life's too short!

Please don't abandon me though, I'm getting myself sorted into a new routine and I will be back up to speed any day now.

Really! ;)

I have been remiss....and busy!

Ha, so my promises to return to some kind of 'normality' and blog more frequently seem to have come thus far to nothing.

This time I appear to have surpassed myself...it's a whole week since my last post which I think is probably a record bad blogger incident for me. I really don't know if I have missed an entire week anytime before now!

Life just keeps on getting in the way but for a change it's a very nice bit of life, in fact more than nice! Dates four, five and six with 'N' were on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of this last weekend, cinema, dinner, walks and much talking and drinking of coffee have filled my weekend and I have loved every minute of it. (And hopefully he has too!)

It is just so good to feel something normal and nice again, to feel like not everything in life is crap and to notice myself smiling stupidly still when faced with the less pleasant aspects of my life right now. Things just don't seem so bad and maybe, just maybe, my faith in the male of the species is being a little restored at last!

Yes, I'm still scared witless that it will all go the way of hell.... and this fledgling relationship is not without it's difficulties (is anything I wonder), he too is stuck caring for an elderly mother with no apparent route of escape, but somehow things work out if the are supposed too and I'm gonna keep telling myself that and make a damned good attempt at positivity. ;)

I am almost....

....afraid to even type this post for fear of putting my usual hex, or some other heinous infliction, on the situation but as one who has always maintained she isn't superstitious, I shall be brave and continue!

The man, you knew before I even began of course that was going to be the subject of this post didn't you?!

So, the man, let's just call him 'N' for now, is positively lovely and surprisingly he appears to think the same of me, he's open, honest, upfront and doesn't play games, so far it has been way too simple, there have been no traumas, no let downs, nothing suspicious and none of the usual crap and bother that seem to have been the norm where the men I have dated recently have been concerned.

Friday, date number 2, we went out for dinner, a balmy summers evening sat on the restaurant terrace, eating and drinking and chatting like we had known one another for for much longer than a few weeks, followed by a moonlit walk...... we didn't want the evening to end!

Sunday, date number 3, a walk along the Thames at Marlow hand in hand, laughing and talking and larking around (that is not a euphemism) like a pair of kids, a drink in a lovely bar and then hours just talking.....We didn't want the evening to end!

What more can I say? Maybe that I seem to have a ridiculously stupid grin plastered on my face most of the time and life feels a whole lot better suddenly, even the tough stuff doesn't seem quite so tough right now :)

What else can I say, I am scared bloody witless, I like this feeling, I really like this man and I don't want things to go their usual way of late....straight to hell.

This time it matters.

Fingers crossed please if you would.

A date and a donkey!

The date on Sunday evening......

The guy was lovely, I had a lovely time, he was good company, funny, attentive without being suffocating, polite and best of all didn't adopt the octopus approach that so many of my recent disasters dates have. I felt completely at ease, we chatted and joked and laughed easily and when it was time to go home I didn't want the evening to end...and neither did he! There was only one tiny fly in the ointment but I won't go into that right now.

This is the guy I met through the strange coincidental circumstances I blogged here. I don't know of course how things will work out but I do know I had a great evening, that we have every intention of hooking up again this week and that it kinda can't come quick enough for me!

But woaahhh.....don't anyone go buying a hat just yet please. I am trying these days to do this stuff one day at a time and not look any further forward than that, he's a lovely man, we had a lovely evening and we will do it again, further than that I have no idea and it kinda suits me right now to feel like that.

Life is way too complicated right now for me to complicate it any further unnecessarily so I'm going with the flow this time and what will be will be.

Oh...and I got to see Shrek 4 too! Did I ever mention I am particularly fond of Donkey? :)

So far so good!

A little update.

This situation is still going well, nothing heavy, we haven't even met yet beyond a few minutes each morning when I'm playing white van woman but hours and hours of talking later and as yet nothing disastrous has happened.

So far so good.

Shhhhh, though, with my recent history I don't want to be tempting fate do I! ;)

I told you so!

You really would think I would learn not to be quite so silly wouldn't you! Remember the stalker issue a few months back.....ugh, beat me over the head with a wet kipper will you please someone!

What have I done this time you might ask. Well the guy concerned backed off after some very tough talking and to cut a long-ish story short, behaved impeccably from that point on, so me being me, I eventually agreed to meet up with him last week.

I know, I know.

I had many discussions with a close male friend who was of the opinion that leopards don't change their spots etc. but ultimately I decided I should give the guy concerned a second chance given his apparently changed attitude and the fact that I knew he had sought counselling for his issues in that area.

Anyway, we met last Saturday, by my decision in the middle of town on carnival day so there were lots of people around and to be honest he wasn't scary, he was actually quite a nice guy (judgement fail!), we got on easily and it even had it's amusing aspect in that I am 5' and he is 6'8"!! We spent the afternoon talking comfortably and then went our separate ways.... but it was apparent at that point he was more keen than I.

I gave it some thought but decided within a day or two that despite his not being as I had expected, I was still wary of him and so tactfully told him that I didn't wish to take it any further.

You know what happened next of course don't you!

He reverted to type instantly and kicked off with a tirade of abuse (text only) that would curl the toes of the most hardy veteran of unpleasant behaviour. I asserted my point and then ignored him. Eventually he apologised and has since only contacted me very occasionally on day to day stuff. I am treading carefully and rarely responding....which I will tail off to never responding in the hope that it becomes history.... but I feel I have been vindicated, my initial gut feeling was right but I should have learned my lesson and not been drawn in again to give him another chance!

I don't need it, if he can revert that quickly it's more than concerning.

Oh....and the friend who mentioned 'leopards and spots' has refrained thus far from saying 'I told you so', more than once! God love him! ;)

It's a small and spooky world!

Ok, this is going to get complicated but I will try my best to simplify it!

Firstly, for those of you lucky enough never to have become embroiled in the world of internet dating sites, you need to know that most sites allow you to join for free, what they don't allow you to do is then make more than one contact with anyone without parting with cold hard cash and there is nothing vagualy soft, squishy or romantic about dating sites, including their prices!

So....a week or two ago I was contacted by a guy I kind of liked the look of, I responded but then nothing. One is then left wondering if it's lack of interest or lack of payment but I noticed his profile said he worked in the area I deliver to each day. I contacted him again asking if he could be more specific...but again nothing and I forgot about it.

Now, about a week ago and completely unrelated, I was at work and delivering to a company when I saw a guy who I also kind of liked the look of.... but at work I look like I have just fallen out of bed (because I usually have at that hour) and so rather than trying to appear interested I do my best to fade into the background.

Today, at the same company I was serving the same guy, as I have most days over the last week or two, when inexplicably I felt a strange familiarity but dismissed it.

You know what's coming don't you?

Anyway, he left and I carried on serving customers but as I was about to drive away he came back out to my van, looked at me and said, 'you are who I think you are aren't you'? He handed me his business card, having written his personal email address on the back, asked me to mail him and vanished back into the building, leaving me red faced and very amused!

How I hadn't put two and two together sooner or recognised him I don't know but it was of course the guy from the dating site. Spooky!

Dammit, why today, when having been called at the crack of dawn by my boss asking me to get to work asap to cover someones sudden sickness, I had not so much as dragged a brush through my hair in my hurry to get to work withing twenty minutes, let alone considered what to wear or put make-up on!

Anyway, I mailed him early this evening and got a reply quickly.

I shall keep you informed..... ;)

A severe lapse of memory!

Since I have been back at work I have had little time or energy for the dating site carry on but last night someone contacted me out of the blue, who looked reasonably interesting so I agreed to have a virtual chat with him.

That took place earlier this evening and went something like this....

Me: So your profile says you live in Berkshire, whereabouts?

Him: Johannesburg.

Me: Pardon, you mean the J'burg in S.A.??

Him: But I'm moving to Holland next month.

Me: But the profile says Berkshire?

Him: I did live in Berkshire until my wife died a few years ago.

Me: (Suitable condolences) But you live in Johannesburg now? Why did you say Berkshire?

Him: I'm Dutch!!!

Me: Uh?

Hells bloody bells, give me strength! I couldn't be bothered to go any further with it, in fact I couldn't even be bothered with the courtesy of 'goodbye', I just rolled my eyes silently and killed the connection.

IDIOT! (Him not me before you retort!)

A hit man, a bloody nose and other stuff!

Marvellous, so I blog my sixth blogiversary and the number of posts I have had you all suffer in that time and then what....damn all, I go awol, a most unimpressive start to my seventh year I would say! ;)

Ok, so I'm going to make an excuse.....I am bloody knackered, completely and utterly knackered, worn out, tired and longing for a lie in but hell I'm loving being back at work. You just don't know how horrible not working is until you do it long term, really, I know we all moan and groan about going to work and I'm sure I will be just the same in a few weeks time but still, work is about so much more than money.

Excuses over with and what can I tell you, well the last time I did this job it was pretty different to this but I'll go into that another time when my eyelids are more operational but a few points of note and minor amusement from my life this week are;

1. I tried to exit a revolving door at the entrance of one of my customers posh offices and managed to attempt my exit one 'turn' too soon, straight into a glass wall....a small nose bleed and feeling of complete stupidity followed! What can I say, the glass was clean, it was sunny, it was a mistake anyone could make, but it had to be me!

2. I had a very near miss with a Lamborghini!!! Disaster was averted with only a split second to spare thankfully, not sure that claim would have impressed the new boss too much.

3. I have learned to go for four hours without a cigarette! Please don't anyone say if I can do that I can stop. I can't, you haven't witnessed me at the end of the four hours....but I can do the four hours and I'm kinda pleased about that alone.

4. The latest (nearly)dating disaster involved a guy who after much chatting and appearing to be intellectual, very amusing and very nice.....began telling me he was a hit man/mercenary (WTF) and trying to support his claim with quite convincing and worrying documentation!! Moreover, when I expressed a lack of interest he was surprised!! Sorry sunshine but you either kill for money and I'm not interested or you are a sad fantasist and I'm still not impressed. Jeez, there's always one isn't there but why do so bloody many of them seem to track me down??

I hasten to add I didn't ever get beyond the internet stage, even I am not that daft!

So, that's about it then, that's the best I can do in the way of an update for today! :)

Another date disaster

What can I say, we spent all day and evening together, all seemed fantastic, we talked and laughed all day....and then he text me this morning to say he doesn't want to see me again!!

The reason? I smoke. He knew that already. Ick.

Nothing more to say then. One thing is for sure, much as I would like to be able to give up I can't be in a relationship that depends on it, I can't promise something I can't guarantee to deliver and maybe I can't be in a relationship where there is so little tolerance or discussion!

But nonetheless I'm a bit sad, he was a really nice guy, I don't like this feeling but I'm beginning to get used to it....frogs and all that.

I GOT IT!

Today, unusually for me these days, is worthy of two posts, the reason....

finally, amazingly, utterly surprisingly I am at last gainfully employed!! Yayyyyy!!!

Will wonders never cease?!

And so the amusing bit I referred to in a recent post...this job is a repeat of the last one, another white van from hell (yes really) only this time hopefully just the white van minus at least some of the 'hell' aspect.

Again I will be delivering lunch time delicacies to many and various, though this time it's white collar as opposed to building sites, it's some distance from home and the employer is not only a much more professional outfit than the last bunch of cowboys but they are also their direct competition which adds a little interest!

Ok, so not much of a job but it's a job, it's not quite full time but it has potential and if today's trial is anything to go by they are a nice group of people....again unlike the last lot.

So that's it, I have a job, it's a starting point and it gives me back a little of my self respect if nothing else.

Oh....and tomorrow is date number two with the new guy!

Things are hopefully beginning to change.....

The crap car, the date and an interview!

Tired, late night, this will be short and to the point;

The car pulled in an MOT fail but thankfully not too bad a fail. The bits that required fixing to limp it through a retest have been done and later today I should secure the much needed pass certificate.

The date was unusually successful, a good time was had, more if progress is made, let's face it, we have been this far before!

....and suddenly I have an interview today, more on that if it works out. This time I think I am maybe in with more chance but the situation is pretty amusing, again, more another time!

Car karma?

At eight o'clock this morning the crap car is due to undergo it's annual and very scary MOT test. The test itself of course is not scary but the outcome very well might be...very scary indeed.

Add to that I have a much looked forward to date tonight, which requires I drive an approximate one hundred mile round trip.....you see my immediate dilemma should the stamp on the oh so important piece of paper carry the heinous 'FAIL' word!

I am on pins waiting and hoping that this is where my luck chooses to change!

Any good car karma is more than welcome to be sent my way ;)

Internet dating - The mistakes we make!

I'm probably breaching copyright here but this article from The Telegraph was sent to me by a friend and had me in stitches. For any of you who might have been daft enough to get involved in all of this some of it will be probably painfully resonant of past experiences ...for everyone else it's just damn funny!


Where women go wrong;

# They talk about cats, self-help books and soap operas; to men, this is dull and may indicate the beginnings of insanity.
# They talk about past relationships; the ultimate turn-off.
# They dress either dress too sluttily, or turn up disguised as Margaret Thatcher.
# They boast about their highly paid jobs and salaries; this can make less well-paid men feel small, helpless and angry.
# They get drunk and emotional.
# They sometimes expect sex on the first date, which can leave men feeling ‘used’.
# They talk about marriage, families and babies precipitously; men like to feel that marriage is their idea, even if it is plainly not.
# They give mixed messages; if you like a man, say do, if you don’t, politely disappear.


and where men go wrong;

# They lie on their profiles. About everything: height, ‘hair situation’, age, marital status, children...
# If you’re overweight and 60-years-old don’t expect a warm response form a 23-year-old woman looking for a ‘a sporty man aged 22 to 35’
# They can’t spell: “Hi Cuttie, how r ya?”
# They are too pushy: They don’t think that most women prefer to get to know the man a little (email/ phone etc) before they meet a complete stranger.
# They use sexual innuendo: e.g. to girl who likes fishing: “Will you hold my rod?”
# They don’t always bother with innuendo: “I want you now sexy”
# They confuse dating with getting laid.
# They are shy. A bit shy is cute, too shy is weird.

The full article is HERE.

On my stalker and my stupidity!

I suppose it was always likely to happen one day, we, or at least I think I am savvy enough to avoid it but it seems it's not always as straightforward as we might like to imagine!

What am I talking about? Well, I appear to have got myself a somewhat scary stalker via the interweb. Ugh. :(

To cut a long story short he has been less than impressed by my telling him I don't want to meet up with him. In part it's my own fault. My gut reaction weeks ago was that this guy was bad news but for whatever reason I chose to give him a 'second chance' and began responding to his emails/texts again. Silly, stupid woman! None of that excuses his behaviour however.

The reasons I chose to do that are perhaps complicated and maybe I don't entirely understand them myself, in part he was nice, interesting, bright, amusing yada, yada, in fact there were aspects of him that were very interesting but there were one or two things that just got my safety antenna jangling like bells right from the start. I should have listened!

I know all the rules, I've been on t'internet long enough and I'm old enough and ugly enough to know better but I still made a serious error of judgement and a poor decision, which in an odd way is psychologically the interesting aspect and a maybe a good lesson learned.

No matter how much time I have spent on the internet, no matter how savvy I might think I am, I still allowed myself, against all the contrary evidence and advice from one or two trusted male friends (thank you guys, you know who you are) to be manipulated into something that deep down I felt was concerning! I need to look at that in me a little harder maybe!

....And I have got my comeuppance for my stupidity. This guy lives close by, is angry with me and whilst he hasn't actually threatened me yet I have thus far had 24 hours feeling like I'm looking over my shoulder all the time and a sleepless night worrying about what, if any, his next move might be. He doesn't thankfully know my address but he does know the town and I'm sure it's not beyond him to search the electoral roll if he felt so inclined. He has however not contacted me now since yesterday morning when I told him in no uncertain terms to 'cease all communication', so my fingers are firmly crossed!

Hopefully it will all come to nothing more but I'm not ashamed to say it's scared the crap out of me and I don't like feeling this vulnerable one - little - bit. Maybe it is however a good and timely wake up call, because whilst I'm sure most guys out there are ok and this is my first and only 'incident' in many years, some are not ok, very not ok in fact and I had allowed myself to become far too complacent.

Stupid, stupid, idiot, f*ckwit woman!

A kick in the teeth!

Well, the disappearing man finally surfaced and with him probably the biggest kick in the teeth I've had for a while.

Apparently he 'likes me' but is 'concerned about my domestic situation'. So, as if the situation isn't hard enough to deal with and one I desperately want to escape but can't yet, now it seems that it also affects my ability to be in a relationship!

F*ck! Can anything else go wrong I wonder? Enough already!

I can't decide whether I am gutted that might be the case with other guys or whether he just didn't like me as much as he says and it's an excuse.

Do men really think that way? Am I being completely naive in thinking that my current imperfect life isn't going to put the right guy off?

Whatever, I'm not happy and I feel like I am being penalised again for at least trying to do the right thing. Maybe I should learn, against my better judgement, to be a little more economical with the truth in future!

Meh! :(

More dating doom!

How hard can it be? I mean really, just how hard can it be to meet a man who is and does 'what it says on the packet'? One would think it shouldn't be too difficult, one might be very wrong.

It would seem, or at least thus far in my experience, that it's nigh on bloody impossible!

I expect to meet my fair share of frogs and I don't expect to meet a prince but somewhere about in the middle of those two extremes might be nice. No, actually, what might be nice would be for someone, just -- one -- man, one time, to be/do/say what he promises, even half way there would be a nice novelty!! Please?

Jeez, is honesty up there with rocket science these days or is it me? Is expecting some degree of normal integrity just too much to ask of someone? Apparently it is, oh how utterly naive of me.

The latest in the sorry line of dates appeared to be a bit different (Yeah, I know,where have you heard that one before?!). We had much in common, an amazing amount in fact, we talked easily for hours, we laughed and we appeared to want the same things. It was he that pushed to meet soon, we met, we enjoyed one anothers company, the real life thing seemed to be as good as we had hoped, or better and when we parted at the end of the date we both felt kind of disappointed it had to end. As soon as he got home he contacted me, very complimentary, very keen to meet again, it was all good.

'WAS' is the operative word here because 'Mr I won't mess you around or play games, I am honest, genuine and reliable' appears now to have done a vanishing act! Well to be more precise this is the second vanishing act. The first time he turned up again full of apology and reason, this time nothing and I will be damned if I'm going to contact him, much as I might like too and much as I am having to sit on my hands to prevent myself from calling or texting him. Dammit!

Maybe there is a valid reason, maybe I will eat my words but you will forgive my scepticism when I say I suspect it's probably all bullshit again!

My cage has been well and truly rattled this time! I await his call, I imagine I will be waiting quite some time!

For a long long time I have said I would never be one of the 'all men are bastards' brigade and deep down I do know there are some good guys out there but there but they seem to be very thin on the ground and each time this happens it's getting harder to keep the faith!

*And yes Mr B, I know what you will say and maybe I am beginning to think you are right!

Thankyou....

....to everyone of you for all the birthday wishes yesterday, here in comments, on facebook and on Twitter. You lot made my day! :)

It was always going to be an odd day for one reason and another, my home situation is somewhat strange and difficult, it's was my first 'occasion' since my fathers death and the ongoing dating saga wasn't causing me much in the way of joy but regardless, I had a good day and a very nice evening with a friend.

It wasn't anything like the party madness one might expect but I think I'm getting a bit beyond all that, it was however a day full of cake, chocolate and the reminder that I have some very good friends out there.

Again, I thank you guys. It may have been a strange day but ultimately I enjoyed it and the gift of friendship is the very best kind of gift!

It's my birthday....

....and it's not started well!

'The date' who showed such promise appears to have possibly done a u-turn and I've woken up feeling poorly. Meh!

Perhaps things will improve as the day goes on. I do at least have the offer of an evening out at a friends later :)