'A smile from Heaven'

No idea of it's 'provenance' or even if there is a heaven but it made me smile.

Happy Saturday :o)

News we all fear

As a biker you know it happens, it's all your worst nightmares rolled into one but somehow you manage not to think about it too much, because if you did you would never ride a bike again or ultimately go outside of your front door for fear of some catastrophe befalling you... and you just can't live life that way.

That doesn't however alter the impact when it happens to someone you know well or are very close too.

I got news last night that my ex husband's identical twin has been horrifically injured in a motorcycle accident. Believe me, you don't want the details, it's as bad as it gets.

I haven't slept a wink, I can't get it out of my head...I know it happens, I've known it happen to others around me, you can't ride a bike all your life and not know, but very rarely, if ever, have I known it on this scale of devastation.


You are in my thoughts M.

More governmental buffoon-ery!

You may recall if you are a loyal visitor here that last week I had been summoned to a 'three monthly inane, pointless nagging review'with the DSS, the purpose of which is supposed to help me back into work but the reality of which is merely another effort at government stats manipulation and humiliation for those in my position.

Prior to this appointment I had one a few weeks earlier for the same purpose, which I had severely 'told off' for not attending, despite my never having been informed of the appointment in the first place, a fact they wouldn't believe until after much arguing they found my copy of the notification letter still loitering in their file! Apologies were not very forthcoming, rather I was treated to much excuse making!

Appointment two was last weeks....when I duly at the allotted time for that one I was told it had been cancelled....my enquiry as to why no one had taken the time to inform me earlier was met with yet more excuses and little in the way of apology. I felt at this point is was necessary to articulate my extreme displeasure in no uncertain terms and with some degree of assertion, something that still barely moved them to apology but did illicit the attention of the hovering security guard!!! Hell fire, I'm five foot and barely 7.5 stone, presumably the assumption must have been that because I was unhappy, rather than state my case reasonably, if with some degree of annoyance, and have them address it reasonably, I was going to 'kick off' in some manner! Idiots!

So yesterday came and this time they managed to call me in the morning......to remind me 'not to forget I had an appointment'...jeez, I don't need to spell out for you why that immediately had my hackles rising but I calmed down and off I went, yet again for this damn pointless exercise.

At least this time it wasn't cancelled as I walked through the door, perhaps I should be thankful for that if nothing else but the rest was utter tosh. My interviewer was a completely humourless, middle aged, pin money type with so little cognisance of the real world it was frightening. She informed me that as I have now been claiming benefits for three months I will be expected to take a job, should one arise on minimum wage and with a travelling time of up to 90 minutes each way, made me sign copious pieces of paper and then having told me she would be able to 'find me something', had absolutely no understanding of my amusement when the computer said 'NO'!

Oh....and despite filling in a very long winded form concerning another matter a few weeks ago so that I could avoid a problem in a few weeks time.....they have lost it, have no record of it, I must be mistaken it must have been a different form, more excuses yada, yada, yada, I have to start all over again with that.

This government department defies belief, it is utterly incompetent and utterly infuriating....go and see my MP was suggested to me yesterday. Sorry, forgive my scepticism but why do I feel that would just be another frustrating lack of action or common sense!!!!

Give me strength!!! All this for £60 as week! ...though to be honest I wouldn't mind if they could just operate with any small degree of ability or business acumen.

Buffoons, the lots of them!

Scientology sucks!

The recent news that the French legal system is currently hearing a case against the The Church of Scientology which if it returns a guilty verdict may result in the organisation being outlawed in France is very welcome news to me and one which is long overdue and should be followed up here in the UK.

I make no apology for what I am about to say here nor for any potential offence, I have personal experience of Scientology and believe me, this is no church, it is as the French legal system hopes to prove, a cult, sect, call it what you will but despite it's high profile 'converts', most notably John Travolta and Tom Cruise, the one thing it certainly isn't, is a church and there is absolutely nothing to recommend it!

Make no mistake, this is an organisation (details in the link above) who's sole motivation is control and financial gain only, it's as simple as that. The late and very un-great science fiction author (that should be a clue if ever there was one) and founder of the 'church' of Scientology, Ron L. Hubbard may spin a good yarn in the opinion of some but in reality his 'bible' is nothing more than a dangerous tool designed for nothing more than manipulation.....and if you have ever had the misfortune to read it you will know just how much so!

So, my involvement. Just like is illustrated in the current French case, I was lured in off a street in central Manchester by a very personable young woman offering me a 'personality test'. The premises into which she led me looked very respectable, effectively a well kept shop on a very main and expensive street and of course, there was nothing whatsoever visible to suggest that this was anything even remotely related to Scientology.

The 'personality test' was in fact a protracted and highly detailed questionnaire which I was asked to complete with the assistance of an 'advisor' who of course told me that the more detailed the information I provided, the better test results I could expect.

Even at this point my 'there's something not right here' antenna were buzzing but young and naive I continued. I might add here I was in my work lunch break and by this time I was already a half hour late but for some inexplicable reason I felt unable to remove myself from the situation.

To cut a long (and much of the same) story short, I was eventually led into an ante-room, for the by now long awaited results of my test...and that's where the situation began to take on a much more sinister tone, this was all getting pretty scary.

The room was dimly lit, small and smelt strongly of something very strange, I never did find out what, the guy that greeted me and was to tell me the hidden revelations about my personality was at best peculiar and at worst a complete nutjob, who's apparent level of residing on the same planet as the rest of us, was sadly lacking...but still I felt unable to leave, despite my flight or fight response, by now screaming at me to get the hell out.

What followed was not remotely to be recommended. My 'mentor' began systematically to annihilate my personality in a very manipulative and convincing manner, concentrating on insecurites and giving rise instantly, to all manner of self doubt, this guy was good, he knew his stuff, within minutes I was effectively embroiled in what I can only describe as a well honed brainwashing scenario and worse still I suddenly became aware that felt extremely odd. Struggling for a moment to gather my thoughts it suddenly dawned on me I was being hypnotised subliminally by that old chestnut, the reducing timed beat trick.

Ok...enough, I'm not afraid to say that at this point I was really scared, flight or fight kicked in full force and I shot out of the place like greased lightening back into the sunlight and some degree of normality.... still clutching the Scientology propaganda publications in my very sweaty hands that I had been relieved of a not inconsiderable sum of money for much earlier in the proceedings!

There was more to come....these guys harassed me by phone, by mail and by personal call through my next three addresses and for over seven years, the very fact that they could consider keeping track of me in that manner and for that length of time did nothing to endear them too me but thank fully eventually they stopped and it became history.

Believe me, Scientology is no church, there is nothing good about it whatsoever (ok I know some might say that of traditional church but you get my drift), this is a highly organised, well trained and extremely dangerous cult who's sole purpose is control and financial gain and who in my opinion should be severely dealt with by our law courts.

So, if you ever get offered a personality test in the name of dianetics...don't do it, just don't go there, even out of curiosity!!

Bands, boats and burning

What began as a completely event-less weekend in gemmaks-ville turned into something of a hectic time in comparison to my usual lifestyle at the moment, which mostly only involves sitting in Neros, looking for work or reading a book in the park!

Saturday was the same, Neros, Park yada, yada but Sunday the opportunity suddenly arose to rush up to the midlands at the last minute with my brother and his daughter, to a small music festival at which my niece was fronting a band....no we aren't talking recording deals here, at least not yet at any rate but they were pretty good, much more so than I had anticipated, as were most of the acts and we had a really good day.

This however is where the 'burning' in the post title comes in! Sun!? We don't do sun here in the UK on a bank holiday, but we did this weekend and I of course was completely unprepared and having spent most of the day sat in a field with no available shade, I returned home at night looking like a small lobster with the added attractive addition of heat rash!

Monday it was decided that myself and my parents would visit a local canal festival,
this I have to admit was not high on my list of 'things I desperately want to do with my day' but it turned out to be a real fun afternoon. A much bigger and better organised event than I had imagined and including a jazz band, all the expected brightly painted narrow boat malarkey, all the typical old fashioned English summer fete stuff but also much in the way of animals, (albeit intended for children I of course snuck in) and falconry displays....gimme animals and birds and I'm happy!

It was of course another sunny day and I was of course again unprepared....more pink-ness and more heat rash.....bugger and ouch!

So, whilst some of it might not have been things I would have chosen it turned out to be a pretty good weekend in lots of ways and doing something beats the hell out of what I usually do, which is mostly damn all. I did manage however to contain my excitement some!

(Apologies for the crap pictures...as I said, completely unprepared!)

Another family

This time Canada Geese, thus far all four have survived herons and the like!

(Ok....I promise I'll stop with the baby bird thing soon!)



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Growing up!

From this in just five weeks!




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The rest are HERE.

Jumping through more hoops!

So, not satisfied with enforcing the fortnightly humiliation of 'signing on', we the great unwashed that make up this countries current unemployment figures are also treated to yet more of the same stupidity in what will, I suspect, become yet another form of torturous effort in holding my patience while some spotty youth hauls me over another set of coals.

This afternoon I have to deal with the delight of what is referred to by the benefits office as my 'three monthly review'....for three monthly review please read, 'three monthly infuriating, idiotic waste of time'!

I did one of these many years ago and I imagine this one will be no different, merely another exercise in humiliating me while I sit there trying to defend my position against remaining unemployed, really, I wouldn't mind but jeez, why do I remain without gainful employment? BECAUSE THERE ARE NO FREAKING JOBS!!! that's why. They know that as well as we looking for work do, hell fire, the last three times I have attended for my fortnightly visit they have even told me so, but still they persist in this debacle and still the staff behave as if by actually having work they are in comparison to we lesser mortals, demi gods! No doubt it will be suggested to me that I attend a course of some description, that may if I'm very lucky, try to teach me how to embolden a line of text in Word...but which will also manipulate their statistics in some manner positive only to themselves!

But I shall endure it and no doubt I will hold my temper (while my blood pressure rockets with the effort) for one reason only I have no choice, the last job I applied for two weeks ago, I was more than well qualified to do but I didn't even secure an interview, there were over sixty applicants....and it wasn't a job to die for I promise you!

I am beginning to get pretty angry with the whole thing and I don't usually 'do' angry, perhaps my anger should in part be aimed toward other areas of my life right now because I suspect that's in part where some of it stems from but really, whatever, I am fed up to the back teeth of being treated like an idiot by people and organisations who have absolutely no bloody right or justification in doing so!!!

...and all this from an imbecilic government, who whilst they question my every move, behave in the fashion they currently do. Hell fire, I wish I could make as much from the system as they seem to be able too!!!! Arghhhhhhhhh!!!

Black beauty

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Life is a roller coaster

Life feels very odd sometimes.

At the moment I have no idea really, quite where I'm at....the only thing I do know for certain is that life is something of an emotional and logistical roller coaster... and I never did much like roller coasters!

Some days I feel almost 'normal' again, the normality can't of course always be guaranteed to last for more than a few hours, though on occasion now it can be persuaded too stick around a while if I'm lucky, but the question really is what is my normal? I don't know any more and sometimes I wonder if I ever will.

The bad days are still bad and they descend on me for the smallest and most insignificant of reasons, a thought, a memory, a sound or a smell and suddenly everything is black again and the light at the end of the tunnel clouds over.

But there are now though too sometimes some good days, or at least better days, and at those times I can almost forget for a while the realities and the crap and believe for a moment that it will all be alright and that I am very slowly getting closer to the light and to reclaiming something of who I am and who I should be.... and in those moments I can smile again and feel something positive and it feels good for as long as it lasts.

The roller coaster no doubt will keep on running, keep on with it's highs and lows and I would dearly love to get off sometime soon but maybe I just have to hang on in there tight for now and keep on riding it......

Hatched!

Well, 'my' swan it seems is a little slow in her hatching activites but I did find one that who's eggs have now proceeded to cygnet stage!

There are three but two remained firmly hidden under mums wing for the duration of my visit.



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Blogiversary......gemmak is five!

Given that when I began this blog I neither expected to maintain to for longer than a few weeks nor thought anyone would actually read it, I still find it surprising when I hit a blog birthday.....and today is my 5th blogiversary!

There's been a fair amount of the proverbial water under this particular bridge in the last five years, some good, some not so good and it's been variably my saviour at times and a mill stone around my neck at other times, but what it has been is fun for the most part....and it's had quite an impact on my life in one way and another.

I've made some of my closest friends through this little spot on the interweb and as a consequence have had some pretty massive support from many, particularly recently. I've made a few quid along the way and I've also ended up in my current 'less than ideal' situation because of it..... but over 2000 posts and almost 128k hits later I'm still at it and you lot are still showing admirable loyalty and tolerance by keeping on coming back!

I thank you :o)

Another five years?....who knows....

Sunday silliness

For all the mad cat people among you, sound on and look out for the talking kittens!

With thanks to my friend Mick.

Dissension in the ranks!

My parents garden is fabulous, not necessarily in the traditional, manicured to perfection way, in fact parts of it have more in common with a small jungle than a suburban garden (though they wouldn't thank me for saying so) but from the point of view that the jungle-ness, and it's location on the edge of countryside, provide for a relative plethora of small critter action. For those of you in doubt, I consider this a good thing! Anything with fur and four legs (refer profile) and all that and I'm happy!

We have birds by the scores of wide variety, everything from sparrows and goldfinches to red kites and the occasional kestrel, foxes, badgers, hedgehogs, cats of course though that's not quite the same and now yesterday a new inhabitant...and this is where the dissension lies!

We have a baby rat, he or she is ultimate cute, only about four inches long and rushing around the patio as fast as his little legs can carry him, gathering bit's of food the birds have dropped and scurrying back under the shed, backwards and forwards until anything vaguely edible has been cleared up and taken into 'safe storage'.

The problem here is obvious, I think he's fab and sit out there enjoying watching his carrying-ons...my parents however think he's very un-fab and want to 'dispatch' him as soon as possible! Oh no! There will of course, where there is baby rat, be mummy and daddy rat and sibling rats but the thought of his imminent demise is not a happy one.

But I have a plan! My parents go to bed way before me and as a result I feel a few late night garden forays might be in order.... during which some sneaky trap sabotaging activities may well be taking place! ;o)

On the couch

In an effort to untangle the emotional fallout and confusion that is the current bomb site of my life, I yesterday evening submitted myself to the first appointment in a course of 'turn your head and your heart inside out' counselling. Unfortunately there was no couch though...I was most disappointed!

To say I was looking forward to it would be something of an overstatement, therapy is not my idea of entertainment on a Tuesday evening but it has to be done and so do it I will. The alternative I suspect would be too live the rest of my life with some pretty hefty and entrenched emotional issues and whilst my life might have imploded on me recently I have no intention of living the rest of it as headf*cked as I have been the last six weeks!

I used to be a cheerful soul, short on cynicism and long on trust and for now the reverse applies and I don't like it and it's not good. The problem with trust of course is that it renders one vulnerable to to pain and given that I don't ever want to be subjected to the level of pain and hurt I have experienced since I was so 'royally dumped', I need among other things to understand what happened to enable me to trust anyone again...not in the sense of being cheated on, that was not the case in this instance, but trust in a more profound sense, the trust that allows one to be vulnerable and not become closed,cold and cynical about the motives of others.

I want me back, I don't want to remain feeling so damaged and whatever it takes, I'm determined to get me back...I am nothing if not stubborn!

And so it was that I sat down in front of a complete stranger and began the process. I talk easily, I don't find it difficult to be open but to have to talk in minute detail about the very things that I spend most of my time trying my damnedest not to think about is about as tough as it gets emotionally and by the time my escape was made good I walked out into the street feeling utterly dazed and shattered again.

That of course is how it works, you can't deal with the pain if you don't face it full on and however tough that might be for me it's the only way forward I suspect. My nature is that I have to gain some understanding to move on and so for the next however many weeks/months it takes I shall persevere and keep at it and hopefully by the time I come out the other end, maybe, just maybe I will begin to feel at least like a partially functioning human being again!

I may or may not blog further sessions, depending on the route this therapy malarkey takes will depend on how appropriate it may or may not be to put it 'out there' but whatever, again I want to say a massive, massive thank you too all of those around me who have suffered me over the last weeks, and suffered they have I promise you, in providing unending and stoic support to get me this far.

You know who you are guys, you have all been more than fantastic and really, I don't know where I would be now without you all and your patience in picking me up off the floor time and time again and letting me talk and rant and cry and do whatever I needed, whenever I needed, to keep me at least vaguely sane through all of this.

Thank you!

'The Little Girl' - a guest post

Today, a very special guest post for a very special person in my life, Lisa, by her father 'Bulldog'. It needs no further introduction.


The Little Girl . . .
. . . the first years and selected vignettes.

The Little Girl was a surprise. Not unwelcome, mind you. Never a fleeting thought of that.

Not that there wasn’t some concern. Daddy had finished his third year at university, and Mommy was working. With scholarships, Daddy’s summer job, Mommy’s work, and some student loans, they were getting by – but just barely.

The concern ended at the first heartbeat. But . . . PARENTS! How does one become a parent? Where’s the book? Where can one take a course? Is panic appropriate? We’re only kids ourselves.

Mommy and Daddy lived in a second-floor walk-up flat with hand-me-down furniture, no air-conditioning, and a bunch of critters that ran for cover in the kitchen when the lights were switched on.

This would not do. Not for The Little Girl. Daddy and Mommy cornered the landlady. Either evict the critters, or find new tenants. The critters were gone within a week. The Little Girl was not to learn “Bug on ME!” for a while. Then, Daddy made his first-ever credit purchase – a Sears window air conditioner, back when it was still Sears, Roebuck & Co.

The Little Girl made her appearance in mid-summer. Good timing that, because university was not in session and Daddy was able to continue summer work to save up for the fall semester. The Little Girl was born at 7:11 a.m. She was destined either to be very lucky – or to manage a convenience store. Daddy hoped for the former.

Vignette: In those days, fathers were not allowed in the delivery room, so Daddy waited. When the nurse told him it was a little girl, he rushed to the nursery. With his hands and nose pressed against the glass, he saw Her. Daddy cried. Of happiness, of course. First born. A Little Girl. THE Little Girl.

The Little Girl was a happy baby. Tow-headed, giggly, and with a smile that would melt a heart at forty paces. That fall, Daddy switched to mostly night classes so he could be with The Little Girl during the day, and Mommy could bring home something of a paycheck. Balancing the checkbook. Loans. Struggles. More than a few worries. But, with one wrinkly-nosed grin from The Little Girl . . . the worries didn’t matter. And, by the next summer, The Little Girl was zooming around like she owned the place. In fact, she did.

Vignette: Mommy and Daddy took The Little Girl outside and set her in the middle of a blanket. To the little hand touching the grass it was barbed wire, and her world was an eight-foot square. She didn’t seem to mind. Neither did her blue bunny.

The Little Girl didn’t notice, but Mommy had a little surprise planned. In the fall, something called “A Little Brother” showed up. The Little Girl didn’t know what to think of A Little Brother, but within a year, she was The Big Sister, and proud of it. She still is.

Vignette: See Mommy carrying A Little Brother into the house, See Daddy carrying The Little Girl. See Daddy slip and fall in the mud in the front yard. See The Little Girl covered in mud with a puzzled look. See Daddy laugh. See The Little Girl laugh.

Two years later, Daddy graduated. He had a real job. Mommy and Daddy threw all their broken-down furniture over the balcony to be hauled off, packed up a couple of beds, a crib, a TV, The Little Girl and A Little Brother and moved. Omaha . Gateway to the west. Where The Little Girl still lives. With a Little Girl of her own.

Later, Mommy and Daddy moved. The Little Girl was older, and on her own. Then came summer and The Little Girl's birthday. It was a Wednesday. Walking through the garage at work, it was the first time they were separated on her birthday. Daddy cried . . .

Little Girls make you do that, but you wouldn't trade them for the world.

By Bulldog.

Another brood

I know....I need to 'get a life' as they say and I'm working on it, but in the meantime, things to fill my days and distract my messed up mind with on a very limited budget are relatively few and far between! As a result walking this small patch of the earth with a camera in hand and finding little things to make me smile seems to be what I do most days and it seems to be turning this blog into a photoblog more than usual....hey, you don't want to know what's in my head, photos, albeit not very varied, are the better option for now!

Yesterdays find;


Oh....and mother swan is confirmed as having six eggs, though father swan was something less than happy at my being at close proximity, causing something of a momentary panic and rapid exit on my part...much to the amusement of onlookers!

Hot air!

Yesterday evening, relaxing in the garden with a post dinner cup of Colombian coffee and a cigarette I suddenly became aware of a strange but slightly familiar sound, a moment or two of thought and I realised it was the sound of hot air balloons 'burning'....the odd hot air balloon here is not unusual but what was unusual was to look skyward to find it and find not one or two but twenty four!! The sky was littered with the things, they just kept on appearing over the horizon is two's and three's and getting closer and closer.

All pretty spectacular stuff until things began to go ever so slightly wrong!

I have little understanding of how these things work or are controlled but one thing I do know, they are not supposed to overshoot the local park and plop down inelegantly in the middle of a main road...which was the fate of one! I couldn't help but find it highly amusing.

Many of the rest it seemed didn't quite make it to their intended destination instead dropping out of the sky in various odd locations, one of which was a children's park not far from my coffee and cigarette reverie.

This was a spectacle I couldn't resist and so I ran (yes, be impressed I ran at full tilt) to the spot at which so many were dropping out of the sky barely missing roads and treetops! What amusement, they were coming down like flies and with one or two apologies and red faces. I have no idea why or how it all went wrong but this was not the intended landing site.

Children and adults appeared from all over, the traffic on the main road close by came to a halt to watch and Joe public became suddenly embroiled in hanging onto ropes, tugging at voluminous swathes of uncontrollable fabric and trying to keep balloon after balloon somewhere other than on the roads!



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A half dozen fresh eggs

Hell...it's all birds here recently, I promise you I am not turning into a complete with anorak fully blown twitcher!

If you are one of the loyal souls who has been visiting these parts for some time you may remember, in the days of the white van from hell, that I regularly 'visited' a lady swan who spent weeks sitting on a nest that sadly contained no eggs.

Well, with my current lack of things to do I decided a few days ago to drive over to her spot in the knowledge that she has used the same place to nest for a number of years, just to see if she was there again....and sure enough she was. Her magnificent nest in precisely the same place and with her sitting atop it.

Were there eggs this year I wondered?

I sat it out, I stayed with her for well over an hour and eventually she felt the need to shuffle about and stand up momentarily, allowing me a sight of five or six beautiful, big white eggs!!! This year it seems her endeavours will not be in vain and her patience will be rewarded with a rather large family :o)

I will of course update here as things progress.


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