And in the news today

Given that the whole world will today be writing on the subject of Obama, I thought I would give you one or two alternative news stories instead. That's not to say that yesterday's inauguration was of no interest to me, I watched every moment of it and with a new sense of hope and even pride, despite not being American, but politics is not my forte so I'll leave that to those who know what they are talking about.

So, courtesy of the BBC a couple of reports of a lighter nature...

A weather forecasting cat in Germany,

A cow travelling by car in Beirut,

and a cat burglar in Swindon that reminds me very much of Tilly, who also had a penchant for soft toy theft, though she did at least stick to those in her own household!

Enjoy.

Still mad!

That's a reference to Tilly before the wisecracks start!

I got an email from Tilly's new mum yesterday, news has been long awaited for various unavoidable reasons but yesterday I finally got news and new photos....my week was made :o))

I still miss her badly, I still feel guilty that I let her down and I still wish massively that it could have been different, but it wasn't and so now, though it is always with mixed emotions, getting any news of her and hearing about her carrying-on's is always a highlight and makes me smile.

One day I will feel able to visit her, I'm getting there but that day is not yet.

She hasn't changed, she's still a mad little thing, ok ,not so little anymore, she still has a passion for worms and caterpillars, she still has to sleep in bed with her human, she still steals bath sponges and carts them around with her......and she still hasn't grown into her ears!

She's as happy as a little pig cat in muck and that's what matters most.

(Click image to enlarge)

Spot the similarity!

Ok...one is Tilly aged five weeks in a state of temporary collapse and the other a somewhat rarer and more famous cat, the new Amur Leopard cub at Marwell zoo but they both seem to have a similar approach to resting!

Talking of Tilly...

.....well ok I wasn't but I had been a few days back, I came accross this picture today and it just has to be one of my favourites of her 'kittenhood', so for Karen who misses seeing Tilly pictures here she is, aged about 10 weeks and getting to grips with domesticity! :o)

Tilly is two!

Today is Tilly's second birthday.

I never imagined two years ago that I would have to part with her, I still miss her and still think of her every day and I still feel kinda guilty that somehow I let her down...... but for today I'm going to try and concentrate on knowing she is happy and very well cared for in her new home and remebering all her stupidities and funny little cat-ways that gave me such pleasure for the time she and I were a gang of two.


"Happy birthday little Tilly puss".

Tilly-less

My parents are away on holiday right now for a few weeks and it has been quite a rude awakening for me in one respect. I had over the last three months or so got a little more used to being without Tilly, I missed her daily but I was getting resigned to the situation maybe...that however was before I found myself entirely 'home alone'.

When my parents are away I kinda have a whole new set of routines to those I usually follow when they are here and I hadn't realised just how much of those routines included Tilly, nor how much I relied on her for company.

I don't ever particularly relish rattling around in this house on my own but as a rule, after a day or two I get used to it, this time I am really not enjoying it, it's lonely. From when I leave work until when I return again the following morning I see no-one and speak to no-one, save for a phone call or two and call me mad or demented but looking back, I used to talk to Tilly constantly. We had our little routines, she was company, another living being to keep me company, a distraction and a friend.

This is the first time in my life I have been completely on my own that I can recall, any time previously I have had one or other of my cats and here I had Tilly. I hadn't expected to miss her again so much and I can't say I am enjoying what others might call 'peace and quiet'.

It's been a long week.....maybe next week I will begin to get accustomed to it.

One year on

Today marks a year since I made the decision to leave Scotland, at times it seems like no time at all but at others it seems like a lifetime ago.

The day I left was a very difficult one for all of the obvious reasons but I think with the benefit of hindsight, whilst I anticipated my immediate future would be likely very hard, I didn't anticipate quite how hard it would be or just how many hurdles I would have to get over along the way.

I really didn't think for instance that I would have to declare myself bankrupt, I thought that ultimately I would find another way, I didn't imagine that a year on I would still be living with my parents and I certainly never anticipated the very worst of the problems I encountered.....that I would lose Tilly. But I did.

There were many things I didn't anticipate, some I have blogged about over the year, some I have not because they invade the privacy of others or are just too personal for even me to put out on the world wide web. There have been moments when I began to be live I wouldn't make it, there have been small triumphs, there has been many tears and dark times but there have been some truly amazing times too and maybe along the way I have learnt a little.

One thing I have learnt for sure is that it's when the crap hits the fan that you discover who in your life can truly be relied upon, regardless of how difficult things get and just how important those people are. I have had hammered home to me the value of the small things in life, of noticing the sunrise, the raindrops on a leaf, a rabbit running or the sight of a newborn calf laying in the grass. Without those small daily pleasures I think I might have gone mad at some times when all I seemed to do for weeks on end was worry about one thing or another.

Many, many things have surprised me but most of all what has surprised me is that I have made it through this far....whilst still maintaining some degree of sanity. I have climbed mountains I never thought I could and coped with situations, sometimes well and sometimes very badly, that had you asked me a year ago I wouldn't have thought I could deal with at all. But cope I did, one way or another.

It's not been a year that I would like to re-live but there have been some high points and some very special times and for those, and those who made them possible I am extremely grateful, as I am to all who stuck by me and helped drag me kicking and screaming this far.

Maybe along the way I have become stronger, I hope so even if it is only a little stronger and maybe with a modicum of luck the next year will be an improvement on the last.

So.....Thank you to my small band of staunch supporters, you know who you are but you will never know just how much I appreciate you.

Tilly ~ an update

I received an email from Tilly's new 'mum' a day or two ago which I have to admit instilled in me some mixed feelings. Firstly I knew it had photographs attached (see below), the first I have seen of her since she left and I wasn't quite sure how I would feel looking at them, and secondly because it was quite apparent from text that 'madam' has settled extremely well. That in itself is nothing but excellent, I couldn't have wished for more for her, or for a better new home than this has turned out to be but the selfish part of me felt a little upset that she had settled so easily and transferred her affections so readily. Ok, so I know cats, I knew it was going to happen but it doesn't stop it putting my nose a little out of joint. I shall have words when I get to see her! ;o)

That said it would seem that for Tilly life is a very happy one, she has decided that of the three of them she will be (or at least attempt to be) boss cat, she has her own chair, it is forbidden of course for human or other feline to occupy said seat, she greets her new mum every morning for the top of the door and spends much of her day play fighting with 'Billy', her new sibling! She is still very much a character, still utterly mad, still loves to be cuddled (when it suits her of course), still purrs like a tractor and still finds any soft toy or blanket she can to drag around the house in her wake....size no object!

Back where I started?

Isn't it odd how the mind works at times...ok, 'odd' may not be quite the word I'm looking for here, perhaps peculiar or annoying would be more suitable words but which ever it is, I don't much like it!

It's almost six weeks since Tilly went to her new home and in a kind of perverse way I had been quite proud of myself for how I had coped. The first week or so was hellish, I missed her terribly but gradually I got slightly more used

to her absence. I thought of her still often every day, I checked my mail avidly for news of how she was doing but the sadness lessened a little to a more manageable level.

As the weeks went on the feeling progressed slightly further in a positive manner, I could even see benefits (if I looked really hard) for her in her new lifestyle and for me in one or two practical aspects, though there was never a moment I wouldn't have jumped at the chance to have her back with me had it been possible. I had even managed to look at a few photographs of her and smile as opposed to feeling sad and was considering I might soon be able to cope with visiting her without falling to bits.

And so I thought I was over the worst, onward and upward and all that....and then yesterday happened and for no reason I can fathom it all came rushing back, suddenly out of the blue I missed her dreadfully again, I had nightmares about her for the minimal part of the night I slept at all and then today it feels like I'm back at the start again.....I even found myself driving along a busy 'A' road yesterday afternoon with tears streaming unstoppably down my silly red face at just the thought of her.

Goddamn it....I thought I had a handle on this and it appears I haven't at all, I have no idea why, maybe I'm feeling a little more fragile than usual, maybe this 'up and down' pattern is normal or maybe I'm just 'hormonal' but whatever is it's cause one thing is for sure...I miss her little furry cat-ness terribly again right now.

:o(

The madness of me?

Since Tilly departed my day to day life I have been makling an effort to avoid anything 'cat', anything at all that reminded me of her little furry-ness made me so sad and miserable that avoidance seemed the best option.

Perhaps that seems an odd route to some, I can imagine that in missing something it is maybe, for some, better to maintain any kind of contact where possible but for me it was easier on my state of mind to take the route of complete avoidance....and that was difficult on a practical level as well as an emotional one. For twenty five years a large part of my life has been 'cat', I have cat 'stuff' everywhere, bits and pieces, books, etc. etc, the usual paraphernaila we all collect over time....well mine was all cat related and suddenly to find it a painful thing left me feeling in a strange way lost, almost like I didn't quite know who I was any longer and struggling in my diffucult moments to find any kind of comfort, for prior to now in my dark moments it had been my cats I focussed on to raise my mood.

This likely all seems somewhat extreme, or odd, or worse to some, and maybe it is but for me it's fact, perhaps it's the 'childless woman' syndrome (albeit to be childless was a concious decision on my part), perhaps it's my obsessive nature but whatever my madness, losing Tilly was very hard and remains very hard.

I am improving though and as proof my 'madness' is lessening a little I have found on my daily white van travels a little cat, a farm cat who is happy to roll over for me and have her tummmy tickled and has absolutely no objection to being plucked from the floor for a cuddle and to wrap herself around my neck purring! :o)

Hey, she's not Tilly, she's not mine and she's likely flea ridden if I cared to investigate... but she's a pretty little thing, she is proof that I am accepting the situation and she brightens my day on those days she cares to drag herself from other farm feline activities and show her face. :o)


(Phone camera...apologies)

Before I start....

.....I will apologise for what is about to come but this is my blog and right now I need somewhere to just shout/scream/vent call it whatever you will!

So here goes:

*&%$F*UCK*&%$F*CK*&%$*F*CK&*^%*


Maybe I'm just having a particularly bad day, maybe I've just had enough temporarliy, maybe I'm just being pathetic and feeling sorry for myself but whatever it is it's not a good day in gemmak's-ville today. Ok, so a proportion of my life recently has left a little to be desired but today sucks big time.<

I don't feel too well, my job drove me nuts today, I miss Tilly more than I ever imagined, I feel lonely and I'm thoroughly pissed off. I seem to take one step forward and two backward most of the time and just once in a while an easy day or something working out without me having to fight would be freakin amazing. Jesus, even a whole two days without tears would be a treat.

Yes I know I'm being selfish, there are plenty out there with problems and pain that would put my problems and upsets into very sharp perspective but today maybe I need to be selfish for a little while.....get it off my chest or something. My ability for some positivity seems to have deserted me temporarily and I'm utterly fed up.

Ok, rant over....I'll go crawl under a stone until I'm in better humour.

Tomorrow is another day......
yeah I know, probably it won't be much better but maybe my ability to cope with it will have improved.

Tilly's new 'housemates'

'Eddie'


'Billy'

Tilly's new home

This is one of the hardest posts I've written but I don't think there is going to be a good time so perhaps getting it over with while I'm still in pieces will help somehow, or at least mean I don't have to go over it all again at a later date.

So.....Tilly's position here had, for various reasons' become untenable and there was no option left open to me other than to find her the best new home I could.

That home is in Loughborough, the lady in question is the colleage of a relative and is (and it sees justifiably so) referred to as the 'mad cat woman'.....and she is just thaT, this lady is as mad about her cats as I am.

'V' is a 'cat mum' some years younger than myself who considers her cats to be about the most important things in her life. She has two, 'Billy', a 6 month old tom and 'Eddie', a toroishell and white girl a little older....she now has three, Tilly being her new addition.

I have tried to think of the positives in this situation but mostly it seems hard, nay impossible, when I miss the little madam so much but there are positives. The very first time I spoke to 'V' (on MSN, neither of us could bear to talk in person at this stage) I knew she was the kind of human I wanted to look after Tilly if I couldn't. She knows cats, she loves them, her home is set up perfectly for them and they are a big part of her life. She treats them as I did mine, she doesn't allow them out all night, she doesn't allow them out when she isn't about to minister to them should they be involved in some sort of accident.....and she lets them sleep in her bed..........something Tilly would hate to be banned from.

And so that was it, a few conversations later I knew that given I couldn't put off the inevitable any longer, this was the individual I wanted to take care of Tilly. Both 'V' and I agreed it would be too upsetting for us both if I was to hand her over myself and so it was arranged that my parents would take her on Saturday morning. All that left was for me to deal with the real biggy....saying goodbye.

Friday afternoon I did just that, and whilst I'm sure there are those out there who don't understand, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. In the end it was in danger of becoming a protracted and drawn out thing, something not helpful to any of us, so when the moment I had dreaded for months, finally came I gave her one last big hug and legged it out of the house and to Fletch's for a day or two.

As luck wouldn't have it the M25 was a nightmare and when I least needed to be stuck in traffic with time to think I was sat like a crying lemon for 3 hours, trying to drive what should have been a 90 minute journey.

On the upside thus far all seems to have gone well. Tilly didn't utter a sound on her two hour drive Saturday morning and when she arrived to meet 'V' things went better than I could have hoped for under the circumstances and cats being very territorial, as cats are! Tilly immediately got herself out of her 'carrying contraption' and greeted 'V' (who adored her) happily and when, a little time later' she was introduced one by one to her two new 'housemates', there was no flying fur. Instead there was a tentative sniffing of noses, one small hiss (thank you Tilly) and then they all went off in their seperate directions. Half and hour later Tilly was to be found reposing on 'V's bed!

Right now I still feel horrible, I miss the little soul terribly, I can't seem to stop snivelling, everything reminds me of her and the house seems empty, I've had a cat for all of my adult life and it's going to take some time to adjust but it could be worse. she say's without much conviction

It won't be the same, I don't imagine I will stop missing her for a long time but I will get to see her again occasionally. 'V' is happy for me to visit, though until I and Tilly have both settled a little I won't. She needs to feel at home in her new place and I need to get used to not having her around first. And finally, and maybe this is the bit that's making it all bearable right now.... 'V' has said that should I become able to home Tilly myself again at some point she would hand her back. We have agreed however that should that happy situation arise we would see how we all feel, Tilly, 'V' and myself, if for instance Tilly was very happy and settled it might not be the best thing for her to move yet again......'V' will likely have become attached to her etc. etc. We'll see, I'm trying not to count on that happening and view this as permanent, but even the possibility that this isn't a forever situation is helping right now.

Please, someone tell me the hardest part is over...because it sure as hell don't feel like it.

My apologies for rambling and for any spelling and grammar errors but I don't have the inclination to re-read this right now to check.


*Be happy little Tilly puss, I'll always be your 'mum'.

Tilly has gone.......

.....to her new home.

:o(((((

I have dreaded this day more than almost anything, always promised myself that somehow I would not let it come to this but having left no stone unturned I ran out of options.

More when I can get my head together....

The Tilly 'situation'

Well in a nutshell nothing has changed thus far.....Tilly is still with me, as happy as ever, completely unaware of any impending changes to her little life.

I for my part am only too aware.

She is still headed for a new home, though the logistics and one or two other aspects, are currently causing delays. If all goes to plan her new home will be an excellent one but somehow, though maybe it should, that doesn't seem to make it any easier for me.


I have reached the stage where although I am still hoping for some kind of divine intervention or miracle, the constant emotional ups and downs of thinking she is going and then the plan suffers a setback is beginning to get to me in a big way, I would almost (please note I only say 'almost') wish if it's got to happen I could get it over with instead of keep having to deal with the less than happy anticipation of it.

But it seems, divine intervention is short here and I'm just going to have to tolerate the situation somehow for as long as it lasts.....on the upside of course every extra day I have her is a bonus now and to be made the most of.

Once it's all over I will maybe tell you a few of the details of her prospective new home but for now I'm doing my best not to think too much about it all....hence the now only occasional Tilly posts.

In the meantime I'm trying to enjoy every extra moment with her and posting some recent pictures of her while I still can! :o(


(Images clickable)

Tilly....

.....has to go to a new home.

I tried everything I could think of to keep her with me but I have run out of options and possibilities. I have to accept it now somehow.

Fait acomplis......

:o(((

Contrary cat!

Tilly. who had staunchly avoided all contact with the new bed her 'grandmother' treated her too a few months back....seems to have suddenly changed her opinion of the offending item....and is now to be found loitering in it at every opportunity!

More Tilliness!

You might notice that the Christmas poinsettia is looking a little 'sparse' and that the Christmas cards are in little piles as opposed to the usual way of dispaly.....I don't think it takes a massively high I.Q. to work out why?!!!



In a household where cats aren't the favoured companion 'Madam' doesn't do herself any favours at times! What is it they say......'never work with children or animals'?!

Ugh!

So long 2006

And it was 'so long'!

2006 has for me seemed to drag on forever. It hasn't in many ways been my best year, in fact to say it has been one of the hardest of my life to date, would probably not be an overstatement. It's seen me go through the break up of a relationship, lose my home as a consequence, move 500 miles to my parents, almost lose Tilly (situation still pending) and be declared personally bankrupt. Yup...I think in many respects I recall having had better years!

But it has not all been bad. 2006 has also seen me face some of my greatest demons...and beat them or at least stare them in the face, it has been the year I learned to take some big risks, to jump blindfold off the precipice of life and trust that somehow I would land in a place that was bearable, if completely unknown. Often I still feel in 'freefall', often I still feel scared half to death but even that I suppose is part of the learning curve and part of what life has become about for me.

This year has seen some of my greatest emotional extremes, almost daily at times, as circumstances and emotional issues have created in me some desperate lows but also some amazing highs and one way and another I have got through it all....often not too elegantly but I made it this far none the less.

My year has seen me do things and go places I never imagined I would or could and contrarily it has given me one of the best days of my life and some memories that will stay with me forever. None of this would have been possible without the immense support and care I have been privileged to be on the receiving end of from so many people.

So thank you to you all who stood by me, and yes, that includes you lot here in the blogosphere who were rooting for me throughout and who left me comments and mails of encouragement, help and advice, even when at times this blog was probably about the most depressing thing you read in an average day!

Among those who helped me get through this year there are a few who deserve special thanks, my parents of course for putting up with me day in and day out, 'JW' for always being there when I need him, Lisa who as ever is a friend in a million and of course the individual who said to me (and I quote) "You make it happen, not me, all I can do is open the doors, you have to find the strength to walk through them, and that's the tough bit (and opening doors is easy unless they are on one of those really stiff door closer things)!", to that person: without your understanding and patience, your intellect and care I would never have made it this far and I reckon the 'door closer thing' must have been pretty tough from time to time....so a special thank you to you.... you are an absolute star and you have helped me more than you will ever admit.

And so onward into 2007, I have learned a fair amount of stuff over this last year I hope, about life and about myself and good or bad I wouldn't have missed it. My enduring memories will be very mixed but the good outweigh the bad and whilst I can live without a repeat performance this year has given me a whole new outlook and hopefully a bit more backbone.

All that remains then, in case I don't make it back here before the onset of 2007, is to wish you all a very happy and peaceful new year, here's hoping it's gonna be a good one for us all! :o)

Tilly is back!

Yes, 'madam' is returned from her none too popular 'holiday abode' and leaving a small trail of devastation in her wake presumably to remind us of her disapproval and just how much we miss her carrying-ons!


Every cloud has a silver lining as they say, for despite her displeasure at the whole issue her usual lack of interest in eating when cattery bound has meant she has returned looking less plump and rather elegantly feline!


There is more to come though, for circumstances over this festive period require she returns to the dreaded place again soon for a few days, and whilst she was instructed by the vet to diet there is a happy medium!

Hopefully with a little more 'practice' she will learn that we do always fetch her and this self imposed starvation business is not necessary!