Warm and wet!

Saturday, it was decided a day out in London was the order of the day. There were plans to see a Miro exhibition at the Hayward gallery but for various reasons it was decided against in favour of a walk along the South Bank and up on toward Leicester square, China town and Soho. The sun was shining there was a light breeze and all seemed well with the world, that was until yours truly decided upon a course of action, without first engaging even a modicum of common sense, and things went a little pear shaped.

The South Bank is currently home to a piece of art, a water installation the name and artist of which escapes me, the reasons for my lack of information here will become apparent, as the ensuing moments became somehwat distracted and information gathering became something not in the fore-front of my mind!

Said 'water art' comprises of a large number of narrow fountains arranged in a square and with a further four 'walls' inside of those. The idea is that randomly parts of the fountain stop and start, creating different rooms within and with some having a temporarily missing wall, intermittently enabling those stupid enough venture into this artwork to move about inside. The theory at least seemed simple, there was no shortage of people 'playing' inside these rooms and so without thought or much ado I decided, as soon as a wall came down to join them.

Big mistake!

What I had not envisaged was that barely had I got myself inside of this confounded thing than a strong wind blew up along the Thames resulting in the wall to the back of me blowing inwards and soaking my back half with freezing cold water! My attempts at escape were thwarted when trying to escape I walked through a new 'wall of water'infront of me into the next 'room'. These walls were made up of reasonably vast quantities of the wet stuff and instantly I was saturated to the skin. Add to that the shock on a sun warmed body of icy cold water and my gut reaction was to run out of the damn thing.......straight through another wall of water.

Idiot woman! I may as well have gone fully clothed into the Thames for a swim, ok, so the water was cleaner but I would have been no less wet had I done so!


Needless to say the amusement value of this debacle was not lost on the various tourists and onlookers and a friend 'kindly' saw fit to capture the moment in pixels for posterity!

So, there I was stood on the embankment, small rivers running off most parts of me, squelching shoes and soaked through to the skin. Various options were considered as to our next move but there were no real options other than to 'wring out' what I could on my body and wait to drip dry! Beach huts are not an option on the South bank!

This was not my most comfortable experience, my clothes were stuck fast to me, mostly they had become transparent in varying degrees and you wouldn't belive how cold even a hot summers day suddenly becomes when everything is soaked through and there is a significant breeze!

Suffice to say it had to be tolerated, along with a few strange and mystified looks from passers by. At the point of impact it was obvious what had happened....but a mile away no one had any idea why this half wit woman was walking through town soaking wet. Eventually I dried out, three hours of strong sun and breeze finally returned me to some semblance of normality but in the interim I looked and felt pretty stupid!

Ok....next time maybe I'll resist the temptation to play in water with kids!

Not another spider!

What is it with Fridays and spiders??

Last Friday saw the bath spider incident and today another presented itself, this time on the stair riser and of more than generous proportions.

It was suggested that I hoover it up but I've been there before only to find the monstrosity advance on me once again from the bottom of the machine.....so a new plan had to be formulated.

Plan #2 worked like a dream....squirt it with a generous helping of hairspray to slow down any escape attempts and then deal it a final heavy blow with a handy shoe!

Sorry if that's not very 'green' but my love of green and natural history does not extend to spiders, in any way shape or form!

Hey, I'm getting good at this, that's two 'dispatched' to the great web in the sky (do spiders go to heaven? they better deserve an arachnid hell) in a week....ok, so I'm shaking again but life ain't perfect and myself even less so! ;o)

It's Friday at last.....

....and thank heavens and little fishes for that!

Another week over, this one was a damn long unending one but various of life's pitfalls were negotiated with one degree of success or another, a little more of the current hoo ha that is my life was sorted and now two whole days where I am 'allowed' to forget all of it and just go play, try to chill out, even if only minutely and forget it all until Monday!

Yipeeeeee.

Have a good one guys :o)

.....and it rained and rained

Here in the South we have had some pretty impressive storms over the last 24 hours and though they seem to have done little to clear the air in any real way they did produce some pretty spectacular skies.

This afternoon saw rain and fork lightening the like of which I have never seen before, the centre of the town I live in flooded, as it had last night also, the result of which was that many of the traders either shut up shop and sand-bagged their doorways or never opened at all this morning in an attempt to make good the damage overnight.


For my part I love extreme weather, save for the roof of this house leaking in the late hours of yesterday evening causing me a degree of concern, given that my parents are away on holiday for almost three weeks.

The biggest storm hit as I was leaving Sainsbury's this afternoon laden with bags full of food chocolate. Not one to hover in the doorway hiding with the throng of those waiting in vain for it to stop I decided to make the most of it and go 'play out' in the rain....and some rain it was. It hurt, it actually hurt as it hit my skin and within seconds I looked as though someone had dumped me in a bath-full of water.... but hell it was fun and provided much amusement for my neighbour when I finally arrived home sodden and dripping and looking none too elegant!

(Images clickable)

Biting the bullet

So this morning I decided I needed to 'bite the bullet' a little harder and actually make inroads into the becoming bankrupt thing.

Thus far I have dithered, I have researched it, I have considered it, I have tried to think of all the pro's and con's but I hadn't actually done anything about it....the actually doing it is kinda scary, the point of no return.

As time has elapsed the problems surrounding this delightful state of 'financial cock-up' seemed to become greater and greater (is nothing simple?), for those who consider it so, this is by no means an easy way out, the repercussions have the possibility of becoming quite daunting. Obviously I have to learn to live without the god that is credit cards (not a bad thing in reality), the threat of losing most of my possessions (like I have may!!!) including my car, without which I'm stuffed, a frozen and then non existent bank account (how in God's name do I pay direct debits I wonder?), a completely defunct credit reference for at least six years, prospective landlords taking an instant dislike to my becoming a tenant, absolutely no possibility of a mortgage without massive massive interest penalties or dodgy offshore dealings, this address, which isn't mine becoming credit blacklisted (my parents are gonna love me to bits for that one) and hell....... I don't even know how I will get a salary paid to me once I have a job, without having to divulge this damn bankruptcy thing to the world at large!

Oh...and just for good measure I have to try and raise £500 somehow to pay for the priviledge. Um.......do those seeking personal bankruptcy usually have £500 cash (unsurprisingly county courts don't accept cheques or credit cards) sitting around doing nothing then?

But hey ho, onward and upward, this morning I registered with the insolvency bods, I got the final bits of information I needed and so all I have to do now is fill in the copious number of pages with horrendous amounts of information and then go to court and be grilled for an hour or so by a judge, who in theory at least, will declare me financially inept and pass me onto a liquidator. He or she will then paw through my possessions and assets (ha ha) for anything worth taking and consider making a charge against me for three years.

Sounds like fun don't you think?!.....remind me to forget this part of my life quite quickly if you would please. Bitter? moi?

...and for good measure, whilst I'm having a crap day I have an appointment at the dreaded hairdressers this afternoon, might as well do all the yukky nice stuff at once eh?.

Tomorrow is another day...I hope! ;o)

Big ears!

Especially for Bert,

who enquired if Tilly had yet grown into her ears....a resounding NO!....she still looks like Gizmo!

The heat is on!

I'm gonna melt! No question!

As if last weeks temperatures weren't bad enough the forecast here for the coming week is for hotter still and with the added horror delight of high humidity to boot. So then, that's any possibility of sleep felled in an instant, my chances of a productive few days annihilated and Tilly splayed out under my feet in a state of near collapse, tripping me up for a further spell.

We are an odd lot we Brits, we complain all year of the dismal conditions we endure, the rain, fog, drizzle and wind, we moan and winge that it's no wonder we suffer 'the miseries' given our usual inclement and depressing meteorological situations and that we would, in an instant, 'up sticks' to warmer climes given the opportunity....but then, as soon as we are availed of temperatures anything approaching those that we envy other continents we moan like hell, buy fans and air conditioning units by the lorry load and hide away in the coolest spot we can find wilting! My excuse...hey, I always said I prefer snow!

So for me it will be another week of trailing my hard sought (yup, everywhere had sold out by the beginning of last week) fan around behind me from room to room and hiding out at the local Nero's reading my book where the A/C is excellent and the coffee even more so for the majority of the week. Oh and better still I discovered yesterday that the said Nero's has also to offer a wireless connection for those who wish to pay a small annual fee!

Hard life eh? ;o)

Sunday smile

Bad hare day? :o)

****STOP PRESS****

gemmak just 'dealt with' the most massive bath spider all on her own!!!

Ok...so I'm still shaking but I did it!!

Fcuk!, apologies but this is one of those occasions when no other word will do!

Let me sleep!

Since the advent of Tilly in my life a good nights sleep has not been something that I can take for granted by any stretch of the imagination.....if she's not dancing around the bed as I try to fall off to sleep then she's lying on my head at 2am 'pawing' vociferously in a somewhat uncalled for show of affection, 'washing' (which incidentally pulls like hell) my hair at 3am or on one occasion recently, biting clean through the chain on my neck for amusement! If all else fails, since she was a kitten she gives me a regular 'loving' wake-up call at around 5am in her desperation to have a cuddle.

As time has gone on some of her nocturnal activities have improved, the hair washing is less frequent and the wake up call is only intermittent but still, my once easy ability for sleep evades me. Of late my new lifestyle and it's incumbent hassles have produced that annoying scenario, the one we all know, the damn annoying delight that ensures the moment one's very tired head hits the pillow a myriad of thoughts begin to race around inside of it unendingly, the kind of 'white noise' of night time thoughts that ensures sleep will not be possible.

Add now to that, the small fact that my bedroom is on the third floor, heat rises of course and the external temperatures of the low 30's in recent days have, despite all my efforts at reduction, managed to climb into the very high 30's overnight in my room, further ensuring that sleep will not be had....and it's beginning to bug me now. I have spent the last two nights wandering like a lost soul around the house, pillow and book in hand and cat at my heels looking for a cooler space, to no avail whatsoever, and I can barely recall a night in the last few months that has afforded me more than maybe two or three hours of sleep for one reason or another. Albeit I'm not working so I perhaps don't need copious amounts of rest it's beginning to catch up with me now....and it's frustrating, and I just don't like it!

Please, let me sleep, just one whole, uninterrupted night!!!

On the upside, it has meant that for the first time in years I have read a book, The Da Vinci Code, from cover to cover :o)

Yayyyy.....

....lil ol' gemmak just made 70000 hits! :o)

It's too damn hot....

....to do anything in a fur coat!

(Clickable)

(but at least she slept, which is more than I can say for myself!)

One small step

As is well documented here my greatest fear, my horror of horrors, my ultimate terror, is spiders. It's irrational I know, many things that are way more likely to harm me hold no fear for me but spiders, without doubt are the only thing that produce in me that knee jerk 'mad woman screaming' reaction instantly...no preamble, no anything remotely controlled, just an 'over the top, run in the opposite direction screaming like a fool' response.

It's kinda aggravating, not only for those around me witnessing this spectacle but also for myself, it controls too much of my life in small ways, I have perfected all of the standard avoidance techniques. The shower and the bed have to be checked for 'inhabitants' on each use, I don't sit on grass comfortably, gardening (which I love in all other respects) is like running the gamut, a spider in my bedroom requires that I de-camp for the night until it can be found and and anything moving in the corner of my eye is immediately considered an eight legged invader and produces the 'run away and behave pathetically' reaction until whatever it really is has been investigated.

To this end, and for various other reasons, yesterday something inside me suddenly decided something had to be done, if only in a very small way and so, when advanced upon in the usual unpleasant manner by a small specimen (maybe 1.5 inches in leg span) I stood my ground.

I'm pretty good at this stuff, I know a little about the psychology, I know the 'rules of engagement' and for the first time I employed them against the aforementioned advancing threat and instead of turning tail, I forced myself to keep looking, to stay within firing range, trying desperately to run any kind of positive reinforcement through my small mind as I did so....but there was more!

Having achieved that small step and my torturer remaining within scope......I held my hand out and touched it, ok, so it was with outstretched arm and it was only a little poke but gemmak voluntarily touched a spider!!!!!!....and lived to tell the tale!

So one small step, I can't say I'll ever get to the 'tarantula on arm stage' but maybe I can, with time, get to the 'this isn't going to rule my life significantly anymore' stage.

Hell, even looking at the damn thing was impressive for me, touching it, even briefly, was kinda Jesus, why am I doing this massive.

I don't believe it!!!

Finally after over five years of searching I have found a dentist!!!!!.

Quite why I should be so happy about that I'm unsure given that the whole dentistry 'thing' scares the wits out of me but having been dentist-less for so long common sense (yes there is a modicum in there somewhere)dictates that my tracking down someone prepared to take me onto an NHS list is reason almost to crack open a bottle of something expensive.

This breakthrough has of course been prompted by a small dental disaster...that of a large part of a particularly rumbunctious tooth having decided to drop off over the weekend, sending me into a small state of panic in realisation that I would again have to take up the challenge presented by our government and dentists over the last few years.

So take up the challenge I did and whether I was just lucky or whether the South of England merely has more user friendly dentists than Scotland did I don't know, but suffice to say on the 2nd August, at last, a dentist will peer into my mouth...ok, so it hardly constitutes an emergency appointment but I can live with half a tooth for a few weeks and I'm not sure I want to know the 'what I need doing' bit anyways quite yet!

Bring on the Vallium!

Sunday smile :o)

Ain't life strange....

....and some!

When I chose my most recent path in life I knew it was gonna be tough, I knew the logistical problems I faced would test me but I don't honestly think I really appreciated just how far they would test me.

Dealing with the practical aspects of my sudden slide into bankruptcy, of being technically homeless and of being unemployed is relatively easy...the emotional side however is a whole different story.

I had the misfortune yesterday of having to deal yet again with one of my creditors, this is a big high street institution though the manner in which they try to recoup their imminent loss smacks of back street loan sharks....ok, so as yet they haven't 'sent round the heavies' but my phone rings an obsessive number of times and worse still my parents have to field various borderline abusive calls to their number.

I can accept they feel they have every right to harass me (though in law they don't) but they most certainly don't have a right to constantly bombard my parents phone line. Yes, I have explained countless times to countless faceless individuals in an Indian call center please, I would like to help you if only I could understand you that this is nothing to do with my parents...on countless times I have been assured their number has been removed from all records and then what?....not 6 hours passes without yet another call to the same number! FFS.

What part of 'this is not my number' are they having the problem with I wonder?!

In desperation yesterday I approached someone further up the chain in an attempt to get my message through. She, whoever she was, apparently customer facing staff at this bank aren't obliged to identify themselves in any way, politely condescendingly informed me of the down side to bankruptcy, like I wasn't already aware..... and finished her speech with the little 'gem', that being a bankrupt did nothing for one's pride!!! Was she under some mis-apprehension then that I had any pride left?

So magnify that four fold (yup, four creditors), add the joy of having no money, the DSS are to take yet a further four weeks to 'sort me out', getting a job is complicated by all this in ways I can't go into here, the not knowing where I'll be living or how sometime soon..... and my reasons for feeling a little insecure and pissed at life from time to time start to become clear.

Half of the time I feel hopeful and positive, the other half I seem to have acquired a predilection for dissolving into tears or a pathetic state of negativity.

Hey...but don't they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? and WTF, it's Friday, who cares until Monday! :o)

Rant over.

It was always gonna happen

That is...'madam', she pictured looking bored to death above, was always gonna get her first bird at some stage!

And it did happen, yesterday of all days, when I was having a particularly bad day anyways..... without any of her assistance and it was not a feat to be proud of!

First thing in the morning I noticed an adolescent blackbird hopping around the lawn, it obviously couldn't fly though there was no apparent damage but the countless times I approached it, it just hopped off into the shrubbery, it never took flight.

Mindful of Tilly's recent 'stalking practice' and attempts at killing rubber bands I decided it best I contain her indoors to give the poor bird a chance to put some distance between itself and small cat....but the damn thing just wouldn't go!

Finally in late afternoon it appeared to have disappeared and Tilly was let loose...not half an hour later I was roused from my miserable day by much squawking and excitement in the garden...yes, Tilly had 'discovered' the poor ailing thing and had a firm grip on it. One terse word in her ear caused her to drop it and scuttle back indoors where she was incarcerated again whilst I went to investigate the damage.

I was kind of hoping she had done the job properly but of course I knew she wasn't yet up to that and sure enough, there it was, a bedraggled, motionless little soul on the lawn. Deciding I had to 'do something about it' I went back in for rubber gloves in trepidation, not at all sure if I could do the deed....but on returning to the place I had left it, I discovered no bird....thank the Lord for small mercies, I know it would have been kinder to 'attend to it' but I would have struggled with the practicalities and at least I can hope now that it might recover quietly somewhere.

Ok..unlikely I know but I can hope!


As for you know who....she's just puzzled as to why her wings have been clipped (no pun intended).

A memory

A memory...gossamer fine, suspended against black velvet.
Of gentle, simple ease, of promise, of joy, of dreams.

A memory... untouchable, untainted, sweetly resting, smiling.
Of blue heavens, of echoed laughter, of pain salved.

A memory... precious, cherished, unbidden to the mind.
Of wings with which to fly, of soul and spirit free.


A memory... contented, ethereal, turning cartwheels in conciousness.
Of courage, of soaring free, of silence and words whispered into cool breeze.

A memory... of dreams unchained, of fear lost, hope dared.
Of wishing, of beliving, of happiness touched by open heart.

A memory...gossamer fine, suspended against black velvet......

Mouse pads...who'd have em!

Sorry, I couldn't resist.



Thanks Dale. :o)

Sometimes......

.....just once in a blue moon, on a day when it all begins to seem hopeless, someone does something so completely unexpected and so thoughtful that suddenly life seems brighter in an instant, despite the rest of the crap.

Thank you to that person, you know who you are, the biggest most heartfelt thank you for making a bad day so very much better.

......and yes, I am remembering :o)

7/7

May the victims rest in peace and the perpetrators rot in hell.

Enough said.

Hitting the ground running

Life is peculiar in gemmak's-ville these days. Human beings are as a rule scared of change and yet we are ultimately adaptable if we allow ourselves the chance, if we take the risk.

Standing on the precipice of any life changing decision is a scary place to be, the fear of the unknown is for most of us less braver souls something to be anticipated with some trepidation, the decision to take the final leap into the void of uncharted territory is something we recoil from, the comfort of the know quantity that is our familiar life has a strong pull on our sense of safety and belonging.

Gemmak's-ville seems of late to be one 'precipice' after another, no sooner have I closed my eyes, held my breath and taken the leap into one new situation than the next seems to have presented itself.....I feel as if I hit the ground running recently on an almost weekly basis....and hell....I don't 'do' change, I don't 'do' decisions!

My days of a 'simple' life seem to have come to a temporary end. My personality is such that the 'wait and see' approach just doesn't happen in my mind, what happens in my little department of grey matter is what feels like almost constant consideration of the situations I find myself in and having to resolve. I need to make some big decisions and big decisions aren't my 'forte'......and sleep...what on earth is sleep? Hey, on a good day (or night to be more specific) I manage maybe 4-5 hours of fitful semi consciousness, though more usually I manage to function on something closer to 2 hours.

But all is not lost for whilst the hard stuff seems to dominate for now and I mostly have problems deciding 'which way is up', every now and then something small but less problematic happens and for a short time life seems blissfully simple and less of a bother. Suddenly something small makes all of the big decisions seem so much easier, the feeling of pressure, of constant 'thinking' disappears and life feels hopeful.

Give me time...maybe I'll even get to like the sensation of hitting the ground running...ok, so there are likely to be a few grazed knees along the way but I'm getting kinda used to living outside of the comfort zone.

And hey...it's nearly the weekend again! :o)

Wednesday wonder

Another from the garden:

Philadelphus.

Sorry....again!

I seem to have been here before, it's not the first time I have felt it necessary to post a 'public' apology for my lack of ability to keep up with life...more specifically the ever growing pile of correspondence in my inbox!

So, yet again I offer my apologies if you took the time to mail me recently and I appear to have ignored you. I promise that is not the case, nor is it the case as regards my horrendous lack of comment replies and the intermittent nature of my posting.....life is just a little hectic one way and another of late but I will catch up eventually...er...I'm not sure exactly when but I will!

Really....

honestly.....

I will.