Moving forward?

This post may be a little difficult to read but for me it's cathartic and perhaps positive.... but if you're feeling fragile may I suggest you might want to give it a miss for now.

Sunday just past seems to have been something of a watershed for me and one I am more than a little glad to have experienced. Perhaps it's the end of one phase for me and the beginning of a new one?

For approximately the last month, leading up to the first anniversary of my dad's death my mind has been running a continual 'loop' of memories. No matter how busy I have kept myself or how much I have tried to distract my mind, it's been there, on and on and on. Sometimes just thoughts, sometimes images flashing into my mind, sometimes I have found myself having mental conversations with my dad, at others going over the gruesome-ness that is death by cancer.

The whole of that month last year was regimented by just doing our best to make sure he had the care he needed and that his imminent death was as comfortable and as reasonable as was humanly possible, it was a tough call but despite not wishing too I seem to have been able to recall almost every second in minute detail.

It's been like a constant mental diary playing over in my head...."this time last year we were [insert specific incident]"....all manner of memories. The sounds and the sights and the smells of the hospice, calling the hospice at the crack of dawn in semi emergency for admission, seeing the ambulance guys taking my dad out of the house and suspecting it would be the last time, the voices of the staff, the daily routine of almost living there, the jokes we managed, my dad doing his very best to remain stoic and upbeat, the fun and special times we shared regardless of the circumstances, the amazing friend driving miles one night just to get me out of there for an hour in his Aston for a cup of coffee and a break from it all, a shared joke with him that I can't I'm afraid share here but which kept me going, his constant text conversations with me at all hours, the going home each night having to trust the staff that 'tonight was not going to be the night', the trying with the doctors to define quite specifically how close we were getting so as to prepare my mother and give information to other family members, the trying to make sense for my dad of the drug induced terrifying hallucinations he was suffering, the constant battle to keep him pain free and comfortable, to try and find something, anything, he could eat when he wanted to and the watching him fade away in front of us, just day by day, moment by moment, little by little, changing almost imperceptibly.

The making friends with other 'inmates' knowing they too were living their last weeks, families, in the dead of night trying to give support to one another as they just waited and waited, one patient in particular who had ignored his symptoms until it was too late and had no-one who fell apart on me at 4am one day, at the desperation of what he called his stupidity, knowing his situation could have been avoided. So, so many incidents playing one by one in my head almost hypnotically at times and no matter what I did it they just kept on coming.

Sunday, the first anniversary my mind played over and over watching him die in front of me, of us, just slipping off this mortal coil gently. I hadn't ever watch another person die before, it wasn't what I had expected, it was gentle and peaceful, almost anti-climatic if death can be described in such a way.

I went to the crematorium on my own and just stood in the frost at his memorial stone on my own, I couldn't face going with others, I felt I might lose the plot if I did and I can't afford to do that, I chatted to him about stuff I would have chatted about had he been here (pretty odd for someone who is supposed to be atheist maybe), day to day stuff, I grumbled at him for 'buggering off', I told him I love him and then I walked away not sure quite what to feel. I cried with 'N' until I was puffy eyed and red nosed, I got angry, I got desperately sad and confused and I felt a complete mess for a while but then things felt a little better and.....

.....the loop of constant 'diarised' memories just stopped, right there! Fin.

How typical....

....the whole four years I lived in Scotland, why did this never happen and today it has?!!

These images were taken in what was my local town today, dammit! ;)



© J. W. of Welcome to my world.

Dad...

....wherever you are may the jazz be as funky as hell and the red wine be of a suitably excellent vintage.

One year on, thinking of you and missing you......

Almost one year on

This will be a short post, I have to 'get it out there' but I am trying not to wallow.

I have for the last few months been dreading this week because it holds the first anniversary of two very sad losses, which occurred exactly one week apart.

Firstly the very untimely death from cancer, while only in his forties, of a very good friend, someone who had been a massive support to me, despite his own difficulties and who was an all round fabby guy, held in very high esteem and with much affection by all those who had the privilege of having him touch their lives.

Be happy my friend, wherever you are, thinking of you and your family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next, exactly one week later was the day that my father died, also of cancer and unfortunately I have one of those minds that manages to recall just about every minute detail of his last week with us, all kinds of memories, surprisingly perhaps not all sad despite that last week being in a hospice with the inevitable outcome hanging over our heads....but I could do without what seems to be a constant reel of film of those days running through my head.

Like I said, I haven't been looking forward to this week and it's not turning out to be any nicer than I had anticipated.....

There is so much more I could say/would like to say but for today at least the thought of typing it all down is too much.

I'm still here.....

.....kind of!

I know, I am completely crap at this blogging malarkey right now but I'm still trying, though it seems pretty much of an uphill struggle at the moment and fights for position (on the few occasions I actually manage to boot up my lappy) with a pile of emails I have coming out of my ears and requests for help with one or two geeky things. Hell, most days it's all I can do to tweet once or twice and make it to Facebook to utter one or two inane words!

But, a short update of other stuff I have been doing since I last showed my face in these parts:

I have attended my 'Driver awareness' course, my punishment for exceeding the speed limit by 4mph. What an utter waste of an entire Saturday and £40 worth of fuel! It was tutored by a middle class, double barrelled bully, who was seriously lacking in any vestige of humour and has absolutely no concept of real life pressures.

I learned precisely two things, that where it says 'SLOW' in big white letters on a carriageway, someone has sadly been killed and that one can actually steer around a corner just as fast steering properly as opposed to crossing ones hands.

A good money making exercise I suspect is it's main aim, 600 people a week in that one centre alone at £80 a hit.... you do the math! Hey ho, I have duly sucked it up and it's history now.

Next, I have become brutally reminded this week of the down side of working outside and driving for a living. All those who were envious in the summer can now have a laugh at my expense!

And a positive. I have finally been awarded working tax credits and had them backdated so I have a little more in my 'escape and get my life back' fund....more on that another time.

A less positive. I am currently going through something of a 'bitter and twisted spell' about life....I have tried very hard not to but I seem to have failed somewhat of late and have a horrible feeling of general annoyance with aspects of my world that I can't seem to shake. *Note to self - STOP IT!

And finally....'N' is just lovely and fabby! :)

That's all for now. More as soon as I can manage it...... and if I owe you mail I am getting there, honestly!