....my dad (TP) died peacefully in the early hours of yesterday morning with my mum, my brother, my sister and myself all by his side. He retained his stoicism and sense of humour until the end.
"Wherever you are dad, let the jazz be cool and the red wine be a damn good one."
Sunday, 29 November 2009
Thursday, 26 November 2009
Right now....
....it feels as if life couldn't get much tougher.
Most of my time is spent at the hospice now just watching and waiting for the inevitable to happen.... and with my heart in my mouth every time TP's breathing pattern changes or one of a multitude of other indicators change.
I haven't had time to grieve properly yet for my friend who died on Saturday and I have had some personal issues going on in the background along the way, though thankfully, those at least seem to be resolving.
My head is so full of thoughts and my heart with a feelings but I can't think straight most of the time and just seem to function in a surreal state of auto-pilot fuelled by so much coffee I'm awash with the stuff.
I keep telling myself there is always someone worse off but that seems pretty sad in itself, I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone, let alone something worse!
This is a real tough call.
My apologies for keep posting doom and gloom but being able to post it here is probably, along with the support of my friends, the only thing that's keeping me sane (ish) right now.
Most of my time is spent at the hospice now just watching and waiting for the inevitable to happen.... and with my heart in my mouth every time TP's breathing pattern changes or one of a multitude of other indicators change.
I haven't had time to grieve properly yet for my friend who died on Saturday and I have had some personal issues going on in the background along the way, though thankfully, those at least seem to be resolving.
My head is so full of thoughts and my heart with a feelings but I can't think straight most of the time and just seem to function in a surreal state of auto-pilot fuelled by so much coffee I'm awash with the stuff.
I keep telling myself there is always someone worse off but that seems pretty sad in itself, I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone, let alone something worse!
This is a real tough call.
My apologies for keep posting doom and gloom but being able to post it here is probably, along with the support of my friends, the only thing that's keeping me sane (ish) right now.
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
F*ck cancer!
Whichever little grey haired old lady (ok, I shouldn't stereotype but hey..) sat patiently stitching this, I am amused and so with her!
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
Monday, 23 November 2009
I am....
....sick of feeling sad, I am sick of worrying, I am sick of trying to be strong, in fact I am sick of most of this year and I am sure you lot are equally sick of hearing me moan about it!
Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your perspective, this little patch of the interweb is my 'therapy', this blog is the one place I feel I can rant and be selfish for a few minutes when the going gets tough...and it has been a bloody tough year, probably my toughest one way and another to date (save for maybe one a long time ago) and it's only going to get tougher in the near future.
I am however still standing, despite sometimes feeling it's all getting too much, and I have every intention of remaining standing.... but please, a better year next year would be good. One with some happy bits.
Anyone know where I can order one?
In the meantime, bear with me please, I can't promise too much in the way of cheery stuff here quite yet.
Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your perspective, this little patch of the interweb is my 'therapy', this blog is the one place I feel I can rant and be selfish for a few minutes when the going gets tough...and it has been a bloody tough year, probably my toughest one way and another to date (save for maybe one a long time ago) and it's only going to get tougher in the near future.
I am however still standing, despite sometimes feeling it's all getting too much, and I have every intention of remaining standing.... but please, a better year next year would be good. One with some happy bits.
Anyone know where I can order one?
In the meantime, bear with me please, I can't promise too much in the way of cheery stuff here quite yet.
Sunday, 22 November 2009
A very sad day
Yesterday afternoon the world lost a very special and courageous man and I lost a great friend.
Andy of Grumpy Old Git (@mac_kix_windoze) died peacefully at home with his family around him.
Another life claimed far too soon by cancer. Andy was only 43 and is survived by his wife and four children.
He fought a brave and very difficult battle with dignity, great bravery and humility despite his own fears and frustrations.
Rest now in peace my friend, no more pain, frustration or anger, you will never be forgotten....
Andy of Grumpy Old Git (@mac_kix_windoze) died peacefully at home with his family around him.
Another life claimed far too soon by cancer. Andy was only 43 and is survived by his wife and four children.
He fought a brave and very difficult battle with dignity, great bravery and humility despite his own fears and frustrations.
Rest now in peace my friend, no more pain, frustration or anger, you will never be forgotten....
Friday, 20 November 2009
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Life in three acts
Things are pretty surreal right now.
I feel I am living three almost entirely different and separate lives, each of which promotes wildly differing emotional responses which at times become confusing, raises questions within me about my own psyche and requires an emotional dexterity I have not before been required to find in myself.
Firstly there is the life, and necessarily the major aspect of my life right now, that revolves around TP and his worsening condition. He was admitted to the local hospice as a matter of urgency at the weekend and his situation is currently very tenuous. From a practical point of view most of my time is now spent there with him, on an emotional level the implications and responses are obvious.
Secondly there is the part of my life which requires me to support both emotionally and practically my mother, in many ways that is harder and more emotionally draining than dealing with the reality of my fathers situation, she is facing something which anyone who has just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary would naturally dread.
But thirdly there is my personal life, or what vestige of one I can manage right now. Again it is a juggling act requiring some dexterity but as harsh as it might sound I have persisted in making a little 'me' time, without it I would, I suspect have gone nuts by now. Recently this part of my life has been looking up and I have re-discovered something I learned to do many years ago, that I have what feels like an odd ability to almost completely close my mind off from each part of my life and either deal with, or enjoy each, as an entirely separate entity for as long as I am in that situation.
This is a good thing.
To an outsider I imagine at times it appears I am uncaring, in fact I am quite the reverse but the fact that I can manage my life for now, in three such separate 'compartments' I think is what keeps me sane. The good moments rest my mind and 're-charge' me for dealing better with the tough bits, they keep me aware that not everything is doom and gloom and keep my spirits up... but they are also confusing.
To go, in say a half hour, from feeling desperately sad to cheerful and lighthearted is an odd experience, to be able to almost entirely block out the crap for a few hours makes me feel a little guilty, though rationally I know I shouldn't. To feel happy occasionally among all that is currently going on, seems wrong perhaps and though I understand the psychology and I am mostly comfortable with it, it's still pretty confusing at times.
To be living my life for now, in three such entirely different 'acts', is strange, emotionally complicated more than a little surreal.
I feel I am living three almost entirely different and separate lives, each of which promotes wildly differing emotional responses which at times become confusing, raises questions within me about my own psyche and requires an emotional dexterity I have not before been required to find in myself.
Firstly there is the life, and necessarily the major aspect of my life right now, that revolves around TP and his worsening condition. He was admitted to the local hospice as a matter of urgency at the weekend and his situation is currently very tenuous. From a practical point of view most of my time is now spent there with him, on an emotional level the implications and responses are obvious.
Secondly there is the part of my life which requires me to support both emotionally and practically my mother, in many ways that is harder and more emotionally draining than dealing with the reality of my fathers situation, she is facing something which anyone who has just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary would naturally dread.
But thirdly there is my personal life, or what vestige of one I can manage right now. Again it is a juggling act requiring some dexterity but as harsh as it might sound I have persisted in making a little 'me' time, without it I would, I suspect have gone nuts by now. Recently this part of my life has been looking up and I have re-discovered something I learned to do many years ago, that I have what feels like an odd ability to almost completely close my mind off from each part of my life and either deal with, or enjoy each, as an entirely separate entity for as long as I am in that situation.
This is a good thing.
To an outsider I imagine at times it appears I am uncaring, in fact I am quite the reverse but the fact that I can manage my life for now, in three such separate 'compartments' I think is what keeps me sane. The good moments rest my mind and 're-charge' me for dealing better with the tough bits, they keep me aware that not everything is doom and gloom and keep my spirits up... but they are also confusing.
To go, in say a half hour, from feeling desperately sad to cheerful and lighthearted is an odd experience, to be able to almost entirely block out the crap for a few hours makes me feel a little guilty, though rationally I know I shouldn't. To feel happy occasionally among all that is currently going on, seems wrong perhaps and though I understand the psychology and I am mostly comfortable with it, it's still pretty confusing at times.
To be living my life for now, in three such entirely different 'acts', is strange, emotionally complicated more than a little surreal.
Monday, 16 November 2009
Priceless!
When all around is crap and falling to bits, yesterday evening, out with a friend playing in this;
...is priceless! :o))
Phenomenal piece of machinery!
...is priceless! :o))
Phenomenal piece of machinery!
Friday, 13 November 2009
Friday the 13th....
....feels like a pretty appropriate date today, for without wishing to sound too gloom laden things in gemmak's-ville are getting pretty tough. Tougher than tough in fact.
TP is now very poorly, the situation is progressing and it's not pretty, it's not dignified and it's not nice.
We all hear people say from time to time how hard it is to nurse someone who is so ill and we sympathise and try to say something helpful and understanding but I for one, really didn't appreciate just how hard and how soul destroying it becomes, until I had to bite the bullet and do it myself.
It's constant 24/7 stuff and very little of it is anything close to uplifting, quite the reverse. The professional services are all in place and all doing their thing but ultimately they can only do so much... and it's not they at the sharp end when it all goes wrong in the wee small hours and suddenly, in a sleepy state, another major decision has to be made or another new problem presents itself which requires prompt action, usually without the necessary knowledge. It is impossible to second guess everything that might occur and to be prepared for all events. Try as I might and with as much information as I have gathered, the one thing I always need to know seems to be the one thing I don't know....and just don't try getting professional help or advice after office hours with any degree of urgency. The reality is that there are two choices in the middle of the night, make one's own decision or call a 999. End of. The other options that appear to be available just aren't into rapid response, as good as they are in the daylight hours.
So, it's onwards, though somehow I suspect not very upwards. It is one of those situations that just has to be dealt with the best way we can, there is no option for any of us, tis life as they say....
TP is now very poorly, the situation is progressing and it's not pretty, it's not dignified and it's not nice.
We all hear people say from time to time how hard it is to nurse someone who is so ill and we sympathise and try to say something helpful and understanding but I for one, really didn't appreciate just how hard and how soul destroying it becomes, until I had to bite the bullet and do it myself.
It's constant 24/7 stuff and very little of it is anything close to uplifting, quite the reverse. The professional services are all in place and all doing their thing but ultimately they can only do so much... and it's not they at the sharp end when it all goes wrong in the wee small hours and suddenly, in a sleepy state, another major decision has to be made or another new problem presents itself which requires prompt action, usually without the necessary knowledge. It is impossible to second guess everything that might occur and to be prepared for all events. Try as I might and with as much information as I have gathered, the one thing I always need to know seems to be the one thing I don't know....and just don't try getting professional help or advice after office hours with any degree of urgency. The reality is that there are two choices in the middle of the night, make one's own decision or call a 999. End of. The other options that appear to be available just aren't into rapid response, as good as they are in the daylight hours.
So, it's onwards, though somehow I suspect not very upwards. It is one of those situations that just has to be dealt with the best way we can, there is no option for any of us, tis life as they say....
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
Shhhhh.....
....don't tell anyone but I am kinda seeing someone!
It's fun and it's very nice and it's a bit scary.... and you get no more details yet!
Early days, watch this space. ;o)
It's fun and it's very nice and it's a bit scary.... and you get no more details yet!
Early days, watch this space. ;o)
Sunday, 8 November 2009
Friday, 6 November 2009
I'll apologise before I begin....
...because this post might just turn into a temporary pity party, I have had a bad day, I'm fed up, thoroughly pissed off and losing sight, just for an hour or two, of the principle of 'making the best of it'!
So what's got my goat? Well right now it feels like just about everything, though of course it's not but it's been a day of others ill tempers aimed in my direction or in the direction of those I love, I have been soaked in the rain, not once but twice running errands, I have had my day planned and un-planned for me without reference to myself, I have spent half the afternoon having a text row with a guy who has some serious issues understanding the term "no, sorry I don't want to see you tonight"or any other night for that matter which degenerated badly when he began hurling juvenile insults in my direction, I pulled the plug promptly at that point I might add.
I also have an extremely sore middle finger on my left hand as the result of a very bloody run in with an open tin can last night, (fab, I'm left handed) I'm constantly tired and I am fed up to the back teeth of having to think and remember a thousand and one things all the time and of feeling like I have the weight of the world firmly strapped on my little back!
Oh...and the one thing I had hoped might save the day, didn't happen. Wouldn't you know it!
I miss being me, I miss having a life, I miss having fun and save for the odd exception I feel like I can't remember what fun even feels like, or carefree.....or happy .....or relaxed.....or normal!
I know we all go through crappy periods in our lives, we all have bad days, many much worse than mine, and I know my situation is no-one's fault. Far from it. And yes, I know I'll feel better in the morning and yes, mostly I'm happy and more than willing to be doing what I have to do right now... but just today, just right here and right now I need to have five minutes of 'selfish and disgruntled and snivelling', before I gather my thoughts and get back on track.
*Rant over, I apologise once more.
So what's got my goat? Well right now it feels like just about everything, though of course it's not but it's been a day of others ill tempers aimed in my direction or in the direction of those I love, I have been soaked in the rain, not once but twice running errands, I have had my day planned and un-planned for me without reference to myself, I have spent half the afternoon having a text row with a guy who has some serious issues understanding the term "no, sorry I don't want to see you tonight"
I also have an extremely sore middle finger on my left hand as the result of a very bloody run in with an open tin can last night, (fab, I'm left handed) I'm constantly tired and I am fed up to the back teeth of having to think and remember a thousand and one things all the time and of feeling like I have the weight of the world firmly strapped on my little back!
Oh...and the one thing I had hoped might save the day, didn't happen. Wouldn't you know it!
I miss being me, I miss having a life, I miss having fun and save for the odd exception I feel like I can't remember what fun even feels like, or carefree.....or happy .....or relaxed.....or normal!
I know we all go through crappy periods in our lives, we all have bad days, many much worse than mine, and I know my situation is no-one's fault. Far from it. And yes, I know I'll feel better in the morning and yes, mostly I'm happy and more than willing to be doing what I have to do right now... but just today, just right here and right now I need to have five minutes of 'selfish and disgruntled and snivelling', before I gather my thoughts and get back on track.
*Rant over, I apologise once more.
Thursday, 5 November 2009
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
There is humour in all things!
So....we live in a three story house and this now presents problems for TP as his illness progresses and he becomes weaker. He needs to be able to navigate at least one set of stairs successfully to have a decent quality of life and this has become something of a logistical nightmare recently.
I am not strong enough to haul him up and down and even if I was it is neither dignified nor comfortable for him. It is also dangerous, should he fall he is highly likely to injure himself, and me for that matter, and I'm not sure I could 'catch' him if need be!
The solution? It was decided by the committee (thats' me, my mother and TP) yesterday that now is the time to call on the assistance of a stairlift.... and time being of the essence we set about finding a company that could provide the service poste haste.
One was found without much ado and the appointment for said hardware to be installed was promptly made for tomorrow.
What is not lost on us is that tomorrow is just one day before my mother's 80th birthday and a stair lift seems a rather amusing (and ahem 'appropriate') acquisition just a day before one becomes an octogenarian does it not?!
Luckily my mother also has a sense of humour!
I am not strong enough to haul him up and down and even if I was it is neither dignified nor comfortable for him. It is also dangerous, should he fall he is highly likely to injure himself, and me for that matter, and I'm not sure I could 'catch' him if need be!
The solution? It was decided by the committee (thats' me, my mother and TP) yesterday that now is the time to call on the assistance of a stairlift.... and time being of the essence we set about finding a company that could provide the service poste haste.
One was found without much ado and the appointment for said hardware to be installed was promptly made for tomorrow.
What is not lost on us is that tomorrow is just one day before my mother's 80th birthday and a stair lift seems a rather amusing (and ahem 'appropriate') acquisition just a day before one becomes an octogenarian does it not?!
Luckily my mother also has a sense of humour!
Sunday, 1 November 2009
Leaving on a jet plane!
So, today, after over seven months of red tape and the trials and tribulations of the immigration services, and having finally got his visa to move to the U.S delivered into his hand last week, Ian took off on a flight from Heathrow at 15.00hrs today bound for Omaha Nebraska and a whole new life with Lisa, one of my very best friends!!!
I can't believe it has finally happened for them, at 04.00GMT they will be reunited after a very long time apart and they will be married sometime soon.
If ever there was a fairy story come true it's theirs and having been kind of involved from the outset I have to say that even for me as a third party, today feels a pretty special day. I might even admit to shedding the odd happy tear on their behalf and to being somewhat overly excited when Ian called me this morning en-route, to get me to check some flight details at the last minute.
Congratulations on getting to now you two, you both deserve a lot of happiness and the most amazing future together. You earned it one way and another!
I love you guys! Be very, very happy :o)
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