Catch 22!

I'm feeling a bit disgruntled with life of late!

By that I don't mean my life as a whole, I am very well aware that there are many good things in my life and things I am very grateful and thankful for, I am way luckier than many and I genuinely appreciate that but still my life seems something of a muddle and out of my control, or at least, parts of it do.

The issue is this in a nutshell... I don't have a job, I can't find one and finding one is getting harder and harder by the day! This is not new and sadly there are increasing numbers of people in my situation but it's as frustrating and disheartening as hell because as time goes by, not only is it becoming harder because the economic climate is putting people out of work instead of into it, but also because the longer it goes on, the less confident I feel about the whole bloody issue and the prospect of starting over yet again becomes more and more daunting.

I remember years ago when my mother went back to work having raised myself and my siblings for sixteen years listening to her say how terrifying it was. I laughed, I just couldn't understand where she was coming from....well I damn well do now!

I know the psycho babble and I know it's a matter of biting the bullet but waiting to bite that bullet is the tough bit, just waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping and all the time the opportunities get less and less along with my confidence!

So much in life seems to depend on our having paid employment, our own self esteem, societies opinion of us and obviously our ability to move on in life financially....and that for me is the really tough bit. My life feels on hold.... I can't get it re-started without a job....and I can't get a freaking job!

On a day to day basis some might think it's nice not to have to work, and I can understand that, it is nice in some respects but it's not so nice when it's not by choice. I can't sit back and enjoy the good aspects because if I do I'll lose the motivation to find work, but in having to maintain the motivation and not allow myself to sit back and enjoy, I am constantly having to face the negative aspects of the whole issue! Add to that, if I try to be cheerful and make the most of what I do have I worry people will assume I'm just being lazy and that I don't want to work and if I moan and groan I feel like....well just like all I do is moan and groan!

Catch 22! Twice! Bum!

I'm not alone in this I know and time and maybe a little luck will eventually resolve it but I'm feeling a bit disgrunteld with the whole damn thing just now.