....and repeat

When my father was ill and my life was centered around caring for him, in retrospect I had something of a blinkered and perhaps naive view of the future it would seem now.

I suspect that in an effort to cope when the going got tough I cultivated a mentality that didn't see beyond his inevitable death, I was completely focused on the day to day practicalities of the care regime and on trying to keep him as comfortable as possible whilst supporting my mother and I just didn't look beyond that.

Looking back I think I imagined that whilst we all dreaded my fathers demise, as any family would, somehow, once it was over my life could return to some semblance of normality, yes, we would grieve and we would feel the loss acutely but among that I assumed I would be freer to live my own life, to try to find a job and begin to rebuild myself some kind of acceptable way of life.

As it transpires that assumption was pretty naive or ill informed on my part for my mother, who very sadly seems not to have coped with the loss of my father as we had imagined, now takes at least as much caring for as my father did, albeit in a very different manner.

It would be unfair of me to go into details here, aside from myself my family are very private people and I have to respect that but since my fathers death, things for me have become even more challenging, as they have for my siblings, but it is me who is here 24/7 coping with the aftermath and me who's life once again is on hold.

That may all sound pretty harsh and selfish to an onlooker and perhaps it is but believe me, unless you have been where I am at right now, you have no idea.... or at least I didn't. We all hear about those that are carers by default for family members, we see the support groups advertised, we think we know but we really don't.

My life is completely taken over again, it is stressful and heartbreaking and frustrating.... but maybe it was better that I was blinkered when my dad was dying in seeing this coming, because I suspect if I hadn't been I couldn't have coped at all.

We are as a family attempting to improve the situation but as with so many of these things it's a long slow process with an as yet unknown outcome.

I feel like all I do is moan lately, grumble about 'my lot', I know I have been judged for it and I know people go through much greater difficulties in their lives but I am not a saint, very far from it, I am just another individual with my own weaknesses, my own foibles and my own dreams and if that makes me appear selfish or unable to cope very well at times then so be it but I defy anyone to live the last year of my life and not have a few moments struggling!

I am stuck for now in a mire I can't find a way out of, I have well meaning people assuming they know what's best and I have others making hurtful judgements of me which is less than helpful. I do have my low moments, I do lose my motivation at times and I'm sure I make mistakes but I am not superwoman and I don't need added pressures and upsets, I'm doing my best in the only way I know how, enough already!

Really, the option of packing a small rucksack, getting a cheap flight somewhere and just never coming back is sometimes becoming a very tempting prospect.

Spring has sprung!

(Clickable)

Then and now - a happy tale

By some unexpected and circuitous route I found, by chance, a friend on Facebook in the latter part of last week, who I last saw when I was about sixteen years old!

If I'm honest I almost didn't press the 'add as friend' button assuming he wouldn't remember me, let alone want to catch up but my curiosity got the better of me and I did...still however pretty sure the request would be ignored or prompt a 'who are you' response.

No such thing!

Within minutes I got a lovely reply and immediately the reminiscing mails began to go backwards and forwards. Not only did he remember me, he remembered lots about me and the stuff we used to do when we hung out all those years ago. For those of you who have me on Facebook, that's what prompted the publication of the rather embarrassing teenage and childhood photos suddenly! (Yes, you only get the one here!)

We also it transpired, have some pretty difficult experiences in common. Despite his not living in the area any longer, two years ago he went through exactly the same illness with a parent, in exactly the same hospice, as I just have.

That was lunch time, at around 11pm we finally stopped mailing, only to continue, if at something of a slower pace, ever since!

He's an accomplished artist now, has moved away and leads a very interesting life but he's still the same guy and it has been so much fun catching up and chattering. All those years back we really just hung out in the same crowd and albeit we 'got on' we were never best buddies, now though we appear to get on like a house on fire and it's been like a small breath of fresh air in my somewhat currently mundane life!

Who would have thought Facebook could manage something so cool? Not me that was for sure!

The tale of the dirty old man!

You know those friend of a friend 'can you do me a favour' situations that one finds it very difficult to say 'no' too...well, in an effort to prove I am prepared to do almost anything for work I got embroiled in one earlier this week which turned into something of a small nightmare.

I was asked if I would do a little cleaning for an elderly gent who's own ability to keep his house in reasonable order is somewhat failing.

I was warned that the man in question was something of a character and could be hard work so I went to visit him with his daughter (the friend of a friend), we seemed to get along ok, though his somewhat questionable psychiatric status was patently obvious. The house was less than pleasant and it wasn't a task I relished one iota but as you do I agreed to take it on, against my better judgement. I'm just crap at saying no!

So, I turned up at the allotted time for my first few hours attacking years of grime a few days ago and things degenerated almost immediately. When I arrived I was greeted with somewhat 'over enthusiastic' kisses and I soon discovered this guy wanted to inhabit my personal space continually. He was never more than about a foot from my face and being way too touchy feely.

I set about cleaning his kitchen but he persisted in taking continually, again, in far to close proximity. Things got worse. His legs beginning to ache with standing he appeared next with a small stool which he planted in the middle of the kitchen, sat down on and proceeded to watch my rear from very close quarters, intermittently making what could best be described as inappropriate comments. I tried my best to ignore him and get on with the job in hand but his behaviour was beginning to make me very uncomfortable and every sense in my body was yelling at me to get the hell out.

I should have listened to my gut reactions. Things got worse still and as he began to get more comfortable with me apparently he started trying to 'touch' me, this was not a friendly pat on the shoulder I promise you. It could have been way worse but in the real world it would amount to sexual harassment if not assault. The kissing attempts became more persistent and the inappropriate suggestions continued unabated. Oh...and when he decided to get changed to go out he did so in front of me.

I can't in all honesty get angry about it or take any action, he's an old and somewhat confused man and in the scale of things it was pretty minor stuff but I made my excuses, left and called his daughter to explain why. She of course was mortally embarrassed and concerned and is 'dealing' with him.

I for my part am not going back, when I got home I felt a small degree of that experience we hear abuse victims feel, I just couldn't feel clean despite showering for an extended period, it was a weird experience but I am of course over it now and just glad I don't have to go back.

I might not be able to afford too much in the way of pride but don't need money that badly!

Credit where credit's due!

Among all the horrible-ness of yesterday there was one very pleasant surprise and from probably my least expected source!

The day started at nine with my three monthly 'hauling over the coals' DWP interview. My experience of these thus far has been pretty appalling, I have been condescended too, treated with contempt and ill manners and generally humiliated by staff who have the customer facing skills of an angry rhinoceros on previous occasions but yesterday it was different, very much so!

The lady who conducted my interview was well spoken, polite, knew her stuff and most of all was very sympathetic to my current situation and the pressures that creates in my ability to find work and in the event that I do, to manage it alongside my current stressful home situation. Add to that she discussed with me various other options, explained aspects of the system I was unaware of and made all manner of helpful suggestions!

I left feeling a little more positive and hopeful and with a degree of pressure lifted from my shoulders, I had anticipated the usual dreadful and stressful hour of unhelpful annoyance, but for once my expectations were proven wrong.

It is of course not a good indictment of the system that this experience is so rare but I am thankful for small mercies and credit where it's due, this lady was, albeit seemingly a rare breed within government departments, excellent, helpful and saved my day!

Happy birthday dad

Thinking of you and missing you.

xxxxx

Today I am mostly...

...feeling a bit miserable and sorry for myself. This is not an attractive thing, I don't like feeling sorry for myself but I seem not to be able to shake it off today, well thus far of course, but it's early, perhaps I will shape up as the day progresses, though I have a particularly unpleasant day ahead so it's not hopeful.

It's not just today, it's the whole week, it's one of 'those' weeks where everything on the agenda is pretty much nasty or bad or difficult and I'll be more than glad when I get to Friday, much as I shouldn't wish my life away.

I'm kinda getting tired of the tough stuff, I'm tired of feeling it's always me that has to find the answers, me that offers comfort and me that at the end of the day has to keep going, dig my heels in and cry alone.

Apparently I am the strong one, apparently I am indestructible and apparently no one wonders how I am in all this crap.

I don't like being alone and not having anyone share things with and I like it even less when my own issues and upsets seem to go completely unnoticed and still I am having one thing after another heaped upon me!

Ok...pity party over, maybe I'll feel better now I've got that off my chest!

*My apologies for being grumpy.

Don't go there...

....you know what I'm referring to!

Ok, very brief overview, nice enough guy but just so not my type in the reality.

I'm seriously considering abandoning this whole dating malarkey, it's all too much faff and bother and each 'failure' just serves to dishearten me further and make me feel more lonely.

What I want I can't have it seems and what I can have I don't want!

Typical woman eh? ;)

Another day another date!

This is becoming something of a habit!

Today's foray into the world of dating is just a laid back drink at lunch time in a local pub and a chat to get to know one another a little better. Maybe a walk in the park, though given this mornings temperatures I think a skate on the pond would be more appropriate!

This one shows a little more promise, though I have of course recently learned the principle of frogs and princes. He's something of a geek (yes, that's a good thing), he has a good and interesting mind, makes me laugh, lives locally and thus far hasn't mentioned my derriere!

Again he's younger which sometimes concerns me but as every relationship I have ever had seems to have been that way maybe it's just some oddity about me and I should get used to it.

We will see but don't anyone buy a hat! ;)

Happy things!

If you read here regularly you might recall all the excitement when my best friend Lisa came to visit here last year from Nebraska on two occasions..... and the subsequent news of her engagement to Ian and then their prolonged dealings with U.S immigration. Finally he managed to emigrate and they got married last November.

Well yesterday I received an email from them titled 'Happy things' which included the photo below and news of the fact that yesterday they had delivered into their hands...... the long awaited green card!!

How cool and completely excellent is that? Ian is an American now!!

Congratulations guys, a very happy thing indeed.


Proof that there can be happy endings! :)

The date - debrief

Well, what can I say, my initial feelings were correct just about sums it up, though to be fair it was a little more bearable than anticipated.

We met in a local pub as planned, the idea being we would move on later for dinner. The reality was that we stayed put in the pub and didn't go for dinner because he wasn't hungry!

We did manage to chat pretty easily, we even laughed occasionally but it was cold, pretty dismal and rather than there being any 'spark' there was a very definite damp squib situation going on from my side. it was hard to tell quite what he thought but by 10.30 we parted amicably and went our separate ways, he home and me to McDonalds to get some food. I was starving!

Later in the evening I got a text saying 'Had a nice evening, thank you, not sure we 'clicked' but I'll call on Sunday, you're very alluring, nice arse'!! Hmmm.

Very classy!

(Please God don't let him find this blog)

Turning a corner?

The last year of my life has been without doubt one of my toughest, second only to one other many years ago....which is a whole other story.

Subsequent to the demise of what had been the most important relationship of my life to date, hotly followed by having spent better part of a year nursing my father to his death from cancer last November and then the unexpected degree of difficulty my mother has been having coping with her loss and the required degree of emotional and practical support that has been necessary, there were times, and many of them, that I thought I might just crumple up into a useless heap of hopelessness.

But somehow I didn't. Don't ask me how I didn't, I'm not sure but let's just say the alternative to coping was perhaps an even less appealing prospect.

Things however seem to be a tiny weeny bit easier, this week one or two things have changed almost intangibly, the pressure seems to have eased fractionally and maybe, just maybe, we are getting through this. Maybe the light I have been trying to see at the end of what has felt a very long, dark tunnel, is finally considering showing itself?

My mother appears to have turned a small but significant corner and in turn the constant pressure I have been under has eased slightly. Probably this will continue to be a very fine line with many ups and downs but at last I am beginning feel a little bit hopeful. I still have a long way to go to get my life back on track, I still feel like I have an almost impossible mountain to climb ahead of me but it's a start.

Famous last words? .....or is that too much negativity?! ;)

This should be um.... 'interesting'!

Tomorrow I have another date, this one however stands more chance of being rather 'interesting' for the wrong reasons, or at least not for the reasons one would usually expect from a first date!

Once already I have told this guy I perhaps don't think we are too well suited and cancelled the first date we planned but was subsequently persuaded that maybe it was worth just one date, given that in many respects we do get along pretty well.

Since then he has managed to rankle me on a number of occasions with his... er shall we call them 'strong opinions' and I can see dinner tomorrow evening turning into either a heated political debate or worse if I'm honest!

Hell, the guy even referred to my beloved Caffe Nero as "one of those pretentious coffee shops"...this does not bod well I think! ;)

Anyway, life is an adventure so they tell me, it's only one date, it beats staying in and it stands at least to be interesting in one way or another!

Maybe I'll be surprised, you never know!

Au contraire

Why is it in life that we always seem to want what we can't have and moreover, not want the things we can have?

I'm sure there must be something psychologically or emotionally deep-seated about that, perhaps the mere fact that something is unattainable makes it all the more attractive where the attainable, by the very fact that it is attainable, lacks challenge or attraction because it takes less effort? Perhaps we function to some degree on making life more difficult for ourselves, that there is some kind of perverse excitement in that which isn't readily available to us....but whatever the psychology, it's frustrating!

To be honest I don't think I want a great deal in life, just a few of the usual things, I'm not very materialistic, I don't yearn to be rich or any of that old malarkey but it would be novel if occasionally something I do want could be less of a hassle to achieve and attain!

Perhaps human nature is just a contrary thing and I should just accept it and smile sweetly!

Meh! ;)