Well then, I seem to have found myself yet again surveying the remnants of something I once called a life. There's a few shards of little worth scattered around but save for those there is little at all that is recognisable left.
The impact of the initial blast is still with me, I can't eat or sleep, I've lost weight, I have a face like a doughnut as the result of my inability to stop dissolving into tears, I've had a continual horrible headache that just won't go away and I still can't stop shaking, though on the upside I am now tolerating the physical effects of the shock without resorting to the comfortable haven of Valium forcefully insisted upon by my quack in the first few days. Hey... the hit was good but for me it's a slippery slope and one I don't wish to slip any further down if I can possibly help it.
The only way I seem to be able to gain any control over myself is by walking, something I don't usually have a predeliction for, but this week, just purely to 'do something' and try to hang onto some degree of sanity I think I have pounded about 40 miles of pavement, literally!
To be honest the last week is a blur to me, I really don't recall much of it and I suspect I don't want to, I feel as though I was ushered through life for a few days by those around me while I just remained in some odd kind of dazed state.
My broken heart I am told will heal, though as yet I am far from convinced (some things you just know have changed you forever) but in front of me I now also have a logistical nightmare. I have no job, and the prospects of getting one seem pretty remote, I have no home of my own and the local authority have no intention of finding me one, apparently as a lone woman with a hamster I don't qualify, well eventually I will but probably about 10 years hence of my natural demise.....four children by three different fathers seems to be the answer to that problem but it's way too late for yours truly to make any headway there!
Even if I do find work I can't command a salary high enough to house myself in this area (or probably any area nowadays) and even then, if by magic I did make a suitable salary, as a bankrupt I can't clear a credit reference so can't easily rent privately and buying is obviously out of the question.
It all seems way too much to contemplate even if I had my head and heart together, let alone with in their current state of hurt and turmoil, people keep telling me 'something will work out' but I'll be damned if I can imagine what or how at this stage. I've been in some scrapes in my time but this one is the biggie both emotionally and practically for me, I've not been at this place before.
I feel like someone stuck a shovel in my hand, put me at the base of the Himalayas and told me to shift it all to the Isle of Wight by Monday!
What is it they say? What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?!
Whatever.
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
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10 Comments:
Last year my kids and I were homeless ... don't go believing the housing people help those with kids who are homeless, but not single people - they didn't do a thing. They also told me it would be about 10 years before they could 'help' me. It seems one has to play 'the game' where housing is concerned, and not being a player (much like yourself) I wasn't eligible at a time when we really really needed help.
I'm sure nothing anyone says right now is going to make you feel better, but please know I'm thinking of you. Within the last three years I lost a relationship and a home ... and almost, it felt, my sanity. I'm still here and I am stronger, but my God it's been tough.
Take care of yourself.
x
I know it sounds like a cliche, but can you try to take things one day at a time and not try to solve everything all at once? Do you have some time to find a new place to live? Gosh, it sounds like the worst thing is this was all so sudden so you had no time to prepare.
I hope that each day will seem a little bit brighter until, finally, you can laugh and be happy again. Even though it seems impossible now, I know that day will come for you again.
Oh god, I feel horrible for you, I know how it feels to lose someone you love. I hope you get through it okay - it may take some time, but time really does heal. It just sucks in the meantime!
I nearly wound up on the pavement after my divorce, and I had a kid. They're miserable bastards to everyone. Now and in 10 years.
I can offer you a couch in the Netherlands if you don't mind sharing the chaos with 4 kids, 2 dogs & other pets, and of course me and the better half.
Jane, I can't imagine what you are going through. I thought you and Fletch has so many similar interests..and your life was so good.
I guess the next time ...you have to do it alone, don't depend on anyone else except yourself...Do what it takes. It will be fucking hard, but if you have programs in your area like we have here, you can upgrade your education in order to get better paying jobs. Yes, you will have to find a place to live for the short term, and I know you don't what to go back home to your parents. Seriously, never ever depend on anyone else except yourself to get by. I'm 63 and if shit happens I still have a job.
But I'm sure you don't really want advise...and you never asked for any .. so for whatever its worth I did.
Wishing you all the best...now get out there do something for yourself.
Hang on in there we are all here thinking of you, stay strong and just do whatever works for you.
Laters
Nicey
x
Hang on in there, wherever there is, J.. we are all there right behind you willing you on. I found that small things, fixing things up, making plans, tidying up helped.. I did a lot of cleaning out of things in the first couple of weeks - am still doing it now - and the walking definitely helps.. keeps the body going while allowing the mind to wander and yes let the tears flow they remind you that you cared for M very much. I wish I could help more, I really do but it is only you who can make it work for you. Don't let the p*****s in authority push you around, you won't be bullied at such a time.. stand up for you. {{hugs}}
Hey J
Like you say, you've gone through some shit situations in your time and you've eventually come out of it. You're a tough nut and no matter how much you get cracked, you'll eventually come out of the wreckage okay...but right now it doesn't feel like it.
Walking is a good idea, so is the crying...at some point you will possibly cry it all out until there's nothing left to cry out...and that can only be a good thing.
Wounds heal, and while it may have changed you as a person, maybe even for good, it doesn't mean it has destroyed you forever.
Consider all options when it comes to finding somewhere to live. You've totally changed your life once before by just upping and going...are you considering this as an option again? There are plenty of people, including myself, who would be willing to help you if you did.
And if not, like someone else said, take each little problem at a time and don't try and tackle the whole picture, you'll drive yourself even madder!
Be fair to yourself, don't forget, you need some personal time to grieve as well.
If ever you need to talk...you have my number.
All my love
Duncan xxxxxxxxxxx
Just stopping by again to say I am thinking of you!
you don't deserve this; I can't believe it; it's awful when you don't see it coming; no use saying 'you'll get over it' or 'take one day at a time' - that doesn't help when you are in the middle of the shit.
thinking of you; let me know if there's anything I can do
(((( hugs ))))
belleek
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