Sunday, 16 May 2010
Saturday, 15 May 2010
Which way is up?
It's been a very odd week, very odd indeed and I feel completely out of any small comfort zone I may have once inhabited!
Getting a job and starting work is of course good and in the main I have enjoyed it but I am a creature of habit and the whole messing up of my, albeit previously very boring, routine has reduced me to some degree of not knowing which way is up, if in fact there is an 'up' at all! I feel like I'm treading water in a thick fog somewhere utterly strange to me and it's all a bit unnerving to be honest.
Add to that my home 'situation' remains very difficult, probably more so for my being out all day working and I have had one or two things going on in the background that I can't or don't want to go into here but which I've found pretty difficult and upsetting.
Everything has seemed to happen at once, nothing happened for months and then in the space of a week everything has changed, well ok, not everything of course but right now it feels pretty much like it and I feel pretty alone trying to get a handle on it all.
Mostly I suppose I just wish at the moment I had someone to go home too, talk things over with and to give me a cuddle.
But you know what they say......'if wishes were horses' and all that, so best I just get on with it.
Getting a job and starting work is of course good and in the main I have enjoyed it but I am a creature of habit and the whole messing up of my, albeit previously very boring, routine has reduced me to some degree of not knowing which way is up, if in fact there is an 'up' at all! I feel like I'm treading water in a thick fog somewhere utterly strange to me and it's all a bit unnerving to be honest.
Add to that my home 'situation' remains very difficult, probably more so for my being out all day working and I have had one or two things going on in the background that I can't or don't want to go into here but which I've found pretty difficult and upsetting.
Everything has seemed to happen at once, nothing happened for months and then in the space of a week everything has changed, well ok, not everything of course but right now it feels pretty much like it and I feel pretty alone trying to get a handle on it all.
Mostly I suppose I just wish at the moment I had someone to go home too, talk things over with and to give me a cuddle.
But you know what they say......'if wishes were horses' and all that, so best I just get on with it.
Friday, 14 May 2010
Week one survived!
Well, that's the first week over and despite the extreme tiredness and the stress of trying not to mess up I will confess to having enjoyed being back at work!
I'm sure in time like everyone I will grumble before long that I don't want to go to work on the odd occasion but if I do, please someone, just remind me how it was when I didn't!
So, the first week was a bit fraught but by today I felt like I had it sorted, I didn't get lost, didn't miss any customers and made every call on time....that said my bottom line wasn't as good today, which was my first day alone, so I'm a bit disappointed and worried that will be viewed negatively. I really wanted to do everything well today but I suppose I can't have it all so fingers crossed that next week the sales aspect improves because I have a two week probation period to complete...eeeekkkkk!
I'm sure in time like everyone I will grumble before long that I don't want to go to work on the odd occasion but if I do, please someone, just remind me how it was when I didn't!
So, the first week was a bit fraught but by today I felt like I had it sorted, I didn't get lost, didn't miss any customers and made every call on time....that said my bottom line wasn't as good today, which was my first day alone, so I'm a bit disappointed and worried that will be viewed negatively. I really wanted to do everything well today but I suppose I can't have it all so fingers crossed that next week the sales aspect improves because I have a two week probation period to complete...eeeekkkkk!
Wednesday, 12 May 2010
For the very last time....
....I walked OUT of the DWP - AKA 'The dole' - office this afternoon having signed the appropriate piece of paper to say I have a job!!! Yayyyy.
As I walked past the security guard on my way out, who over time I have had some banter and a few jokes with, I punched the air and he simultaneously 'whooped', we appeared to attract stern looks from the supervisor but I don't think either of us much cared!
It's over, no more of that particularly unpleasant brand of condescension, no more assumptions that I don't want to work or that I am a lower form of life and no more feeling quite so useless and on occasion being told so.
It's over, well an truly over, I am old enough and ugly enough to never say never but if I have a say in the matter I won't ever be going to that place again.... either logistically or emotionally!
I've still got a long way to go to feel I have my life back anywhere like on track and it's patently obvious I'm not used to working by the degree of utter knackered-ness I feel these last few days but it's a start and those few moments walking out of the dole office, albeit short lived for other reasons, were worth any amount of feeling tired!
As I walked past the security guard on my way out, who over time I have had some banter and a few jokes with, I punched the air and he simultaneously 'whooped', we appeared to attract stern looks from the supervisor but I don't think either of us much cared!
It's over, no more of that particularly unpleasant brand of condescension, no more assumptions that I don't want to work or that I am a lower form of life and no more feeling quite so useless and on occasion being told so.
It's over, well an truly over, I am old enough and ugly enough to never say never but if I have a say in the matter I won't ever be going to that place again.... either logistically or emotionally!
I've still got a long way to go to feel I have my life back anywhere like on track and it's patently obvious I'm not used to working by the degree of utter knackered-ness I feel these last few days but it's a start and those few moments walking out of the dole office, albeit short lived for other reasons, were worth any amount of feeling tired!
Monday, 10 May 2010
How tired?
Just a quickie....work was good, seem a nice bunch of people, the day flew by but I am soooo not used to this working malarkey and I don't remember the last time I was this tired.
Tomorrow and Wednesday are the real test however so I need my bed, NOW!
Tomorrow and Wednesday are the real test however so I need my bed, NOW!
Back to work!
Today is my first day, I start at 6.30am, I'm as nervous as hell, terrified I'll get lost, or forget my route or mess up in some other way and my head's not in an entirely good place after yesterday's debacle.... but I expect that's all pretty normal.
I don't quite know what my new routine will be like or when I'll next get to blog but hopefully in a day or two I'll have myself in some semblance of order and I won't be gone for long!
You should be so lucky eh? ;)
I don't quite know what my new routine will be like or when I'll next get to blog but hopefully in a day or two I'll have myself in some semblance of order and I won't be gone for long!
You should be so lucky eh? ;)
Sunday, 9 May 2010
Another date disaster
What can I say, we spent all day and evening together, all seemed fantastic, we talked and laughed all day....and then he text me this morning to say he doesn't want to see me again!!
The reason? I smoke. He knew that already. Ick.
Nothing more to say then. One thing is for sure, much as I would like to be able to give up I can't be in a relationship that depends on it, I can't promise something I can't guarantee to deliver and maybe I can't be in a relationship where there is so little tolerance or discussion!
But nonetheless I'm a bit sad, he was a really nice guy, I don't like this feeling but I'm beginning to get used to it....frogs and all that.
The reason? I smoke. He knew that already. Ick.
Nothing more to say then. One thing is for sure, much as I would like to be able to give up I can't be in a relationship that depends on it, I can't promise something I can't guarantee to deliver and maybe I can't be in a relationship where there is so little tolerance or discussion!
But nonetheless I'm a bit sad, he was a really nice guy, I don't like this feeling but I'm beginning to get used to it....frogs and all that.
Friday, 7 May 2010
I GOT IT!
Today, unusually for me these days, is worthy of two posts, the reason....
finally, amazingly, utterly surprisingly I am at last gainfully employed!! Yayyyyy!!!
Will wonders never cease?!
And so the amusing bit I referred to in a recent post...this job is a repeat of the last one, another white van from hell (yes really) only this time hopefully just the white van minus at least some of the 'hell' aspect.
Again I will be delivering lunch time delicacies to many and various, though this time it's white collar as opposed to building sites, it's some distance from home and the employer is not only a much more professional outfit than the last bunch of cowboys but they are also their direct competition which adds a little interest!
Ok, so not much of a job but it's a job, it's not quite full time but it has potential and if today's trial is anything to go by they are a nice group of people....again unlike the last lot.
So that's it, I have a job, it's a starting point and it gives me back a little of my self respect if nothing else.
Oh....and tomorrow is date number two with the new guy!
Things are hopefully beginning to change.....
finally, amazingly, utterly surprisingly I am at last gainfully employed!! Yayyyyy!!!
Will wonders never cease?!
And so the amusing bit I referred to in a recent post...this job is a repeat of the last one, another white van from hell (yes really) only this time hopefully just the white van minus at least some of the 'hell' aspect.
Again I will be delivering lunch time delicacies to many and various, though this time it's white collar as opposed to building sites, it's some distance from home and the employer is not only a much more professional outfit than the last bunch of cowboys but they are also their direct competition which adds a little interest!
Ok, so not much of a job but it's a job, it's not quite full time but it has potential and if today's trial is anything to go by they are a nice group of people....again unlike the last lot.
So that's it, I have a job, it's a starting point and it gives me back a little of my self respect if nothing else.
Oh....and tomorrow is date number two with the new guy!
Things are hopefully beginning to change.....
The job thing!
Well then, I went for the interview on Wednesday as planned and it went particularly well, remarkably well in fact even if I do say so myself.... and today I will join my prospective new boss for the day to shadow him, and for the both of us to see how it works out.
More than that I don't know at this stage, I haven't been offered the job as such yet but I am, let's say, cautiously optimistic.
I won't tell you what, when, where, how etc. at this stage,that might be tempting fate, if I get it I will divulge all then. It's not a fantastic job by any stretch of the imagination but it does have an ironically amusing aspect to it!
So....that's it, today at least, I am off to work for the day, it all feels pretty strange after so long and somewhat nerve-wracking but hey.....my nerves have been wracked before one way and another recently, this is not a new phenomenon....... ;)
More than that I don't know at this stage, I haven't been offered the job as such yet but I am, let's say, cautiously optimistic.
I won't tell you what, when, where, how etc. at this stage,that might be tempting fate, if I get it I will divulge all then. It's not a fantastic job by any stretch of the imagination but it does have an ironically amusing aspect to it!
So....that's it, today at least, I am off to work for the day, it all feels pretty strange after so long and somewhat nerve-wracking but hey.....my nerves have been wracked before one way and another recently, this is not a new phenomenon....... ;)
Thursday, 6 May 2010
I won, I won, I won!!
Well...there's a turn up, I have won something, I don't usually win stuff, in fact I'm not sure I have ever won stuff before but today I have!!What have I won? I have won 'The laughing Chimp Award', Urbanvox's recent blog competition to blog 'My most embarrassing incident ever'.
Apparently mine was suitably embarrassing to take top spot, it felt it at the time I have to admit but when I was lying there in hospital undergoing the embarrassing procedure[s] necessary I don't think I ever envisaged it would win me a prize!
Somehow it seems rather fitting does it not! ;)
The post can be found by scrolling down a little or HERE.
Anyways, thankyou Mr Vox and your judges, you made my day!
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
The crap car, the date and an interview!
Tired, late night, this will be short and to the point;
The car pulled in an MOT fail but thankfully not too bad a fail. The bits that required fixing to limp it through a retest have been done and later today I should secure the much needed pass certificate.
The date was unusually successful, a good time was had, more if progress is made, let's face it, we have been this far before!
....and suddenly I have an interview today, more on that if it works out. This time I think I am maybe in with more chance but the situation is pretty amusing, again, more another time!
The car pulled in an MOT fail but thankfully not too bad a fail. The bits that required fixing to limp it through a retest have been done and later today I should secure the much needed pass certificate.
The date was unusually successful, a good time was had, more if progress is made, let's face it, we have been this far before!
....and suddenly I have an interview today, more on that if it works out. This time I think I am maybe in with more chance but the situation is pretty amusing, again, more another time!
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
Car karma?
At eight o'clock this morning the crap car is due to undergo it's annual and very scary MOT test. The test itself of course is not scary but the outcome very well might be...very scary indeed.
Add to that I have a much looked forward to date tonight, which requires I drive an approximate one hundred mile round trip.....you see my immediate dilemma should the stamp on the oh so important piece of paper carry the heinous 'FAIL' word!
I am on pins waiting and hoping that this is where my luck chooses to change!
Any good car karma is more than welcome to be sent my way ;)
Add to that I have a much looked forward to date tonight, which requires I drive an approximate one hundred mile round trip.....you see my immediate dilemma should the stamp on the oh so important piece of paper carry the heinous 'FAIL' word!
I am on pins waiting and hoping that this is where my luck chooses to change!
Any good car karma is more than welcome to be sent my way ;)
Sunday, 2 May 2010
Frustration!
'gemmak', or at least gemmak the blog will be six years old in a week or two's time but more recently this little space on the internet has become more and more frustrating for me. Not because I can't think of anything to write, precisely the reverse, I can think of much I would like to say, but I can't!
As time has marched on gemmak has undergone some degree of 'outing', as many blog/bloggers have. Some of this gradual erosion of anonymity is the result of my own sometimes slightly too complacent attitude and some as the result of other circumstances.
When I began I didn't have any real idea why I was blogging or what I hoped I would gain from it, to be honest I didn't imagine anyone would read it or that I would sustain it for long but as the years passed and life 'did it's thing' I found I was using blogging, to some degree at least in a quite cathartic way. Psychology has long recognised that writing things down when the going gets tough can be helpful and for me blogging has the same effect, though in a stronger sense. I can't define why that is, I don't know if it because blogging provides feedback and support, because I have maybe a narcissistic streak, because just writing certain experiences in itself helps to clarify the mind or whether it's a little bit of all of those things. Whichever or whatever it is cathartic and on occasion I suspect being able to 'out it out there' (whatever 'it' may be) has probably helped save my sometimes questionable sanity.
So why the frustration? Well, as my anonymity has gradually been lost I am less and less able to put into the public domain certain aspects of my life. I sit here frequently itching to type about some particular issue or event and just can't, either to protect the privacy of others involved or because I am aware that what I want to say risks offending or upsetting some who read. It frustrates the hell out of me.
I have looked into moving the whole blog (much too big a job given the number of posts and images) to a platform that allows protected posts, I have considered just ditching this and starting over (but the narcissistic bit of me can't bear to lose all this now) and I have considered linking certain posts to another private blog or passworded account. None of those options seem to be quite suitable for one reason or another unfortunately and so I remain frustrated with my finger ends poised to type, feeling somewhat gagged and wondering why the hell Blogger can't or doesn't offer the protected post option.
Answers on a postcard (or comment) please!
As time has marched on gemmak has undergone some degree of 'outing', as many blog/bloggers have. Some of this gradual erosion of anonymity is the result of my own sometimes slightly too complacent attitude and some as the result of other circumstances.
When I began I didn't have any real idea why I was blogging or what I hoped I would gain from it, to be honest I didn't imagine anyone would read it or that I would sustain it for long but as the years passed and life 'did it's thing' I found I was using blogging, to some degree at least in a quite cathartic way. Psychology has long recognised that writing things down when the going gets tough can be helpful and for me blogging has the same effect, though in a stronger sense. I can't define why that is, I don't know if it because blogging provides feedback and support, because I have maybe a narcissistic streak, because just writing certain experiences in itself helps to clarify the mind or whether it's a little bit of all of those things. Whichever or whatever it is cathartic and on occasion I suspect being able to 'out it out there' (whatever 'it' may be) has probably helped save my sometimes questionable sanity.
So why the frustration? Well, as my anonymity has gradually been lost I am less and less able to put into the public domain certain aspects of my life. I sit here frequently itching to type about some particular issue or event and just can't, either to protect the privacy of others involved or because I am aware that what I want to say risks offending or upsetting some who read. It frustrates the hell out of me.
I have looked into moving the whole blog (much too big a job given the number of posts and images) to a platform that allows protected posts, I have considered just ditching this and starting over (but the narcissistic bit of me can't bear to lose all this now) and I have considered linking certain posts to another private blog or passworded account. None of those options seem to be quite suitable for one reason or another unfortunately and so I remain frustrated with my finger ends poised to type, feeling somewhat gagged and wondering why the hell Blogger can't or doesn't offer the protected post option.
Answers on a postcard (or comment) please!
Saturday, 1 May 2010
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