Yesterday was another in what sometimes feels like a long line of days of facing situations I either didn't want to or find particularly difficult. You would think after all the divorce, bankruptcy and housing issues over recent years I would be used to it, and I suppose I am in some respects, but somehow, at the point of impact it just doesn't get any easier!
This time it was the employment issue, or rather the distinct lack of it issue, that had to be faced and face it I did. After all the months of soul searching and moral dilemma I faced it in an hour and a half grilling at the local benefit office yesterday afternoon. I hate it! It's not the actuality of the interview that 'gets me' it's the whole issue of being stigmatised as 'benefit scum', the standing in line in a grubby office, the prying into every aspect of my life by a complete stranger and the being spoken too like a bloody idiot that really get to me. I promise you, if you haven't been through this it does damn all for your self esteem or confidence! I am not ashamed to say I drove home in a state of numbness, walked through the door and just sat down and cried and had my first 'oh so lovely' panic attack in years. Somehow, and I can't pull apart the psychology, but for me this is almost harder than standing in front of the judge being declared bankrupt ever was.
So, the outcome? I wait now for a few weeks to discover if I am to qualify for my paltry handout and for a time I'll have to get used to the standing in line and the rest of the whole demeaning, miserable carry-on. It doesn't matter how much I tell myself this isn't my fault and I should hold my head high, it still makes me feel like crap and I still know that there are people out there who judge me negatively by my employment status alone.
If there is anything positive to be taken from this it is perhaps only that at least I am now counted in Mr Brown's
11 Comments:
I'm so sorry or your situation, Jane. It is appalling that people in these agencies are so judgemental and condescending and tar everyone with the same brush. You would think that even with half a brain they would be able to suss out who is genuinely there through no fault of their own.
{{hugs}}
Sorry you had to go through that, and hope the job search goes well for you.
I feel a wave of empathy with your situation Gemm. I battled with the faceless beauracrats at the benefits agency for months. I too felt like curling up and shutting up shop. Your previous commentator mentioned the half a brain syndrome, but for me it's the impersonal touch that did it. I don't believe anybody there actually cares.
For what it is worth, there will be an upside and you will be able to use this experience in moving forward. It may sound like standard 'pat on the shoulder'...'there, there' stuff but I think from the evidenc so far by your blogging and tweeting, you are a bright bunny who will get through this ..... anytime you want a 'bunk up' tweet.....
Imagine if you did get the job! You could humanise the routine for others who like you, are in this situation from no fault of their own.
Easy for me to say 'stay strong' but I'm here for you. I can give moral support... I can text/mail/twitter you every minute if you needed it. (you'd get fed up of me after 5 minutes)
I realy hope that after writing this down, you may feel at least a little unburdened with the utterly awful unpleasant rigmarole (is that a real word?) and can start the process of chilling out. Good luck Gemmak, if you need any help...anything at all, I'm here. I was going to say I can type but I guess you wouldn't believe me on that one... I can typo! xxxxx Hugs xxxx
I can really empathise with you,the beaurocrats do tar everyone with the same brush and are very judgemental.
Being a single mom I get constantly judged without the full situation being known to them and have been many times in tears by the attitude of the said interigator prying into my personal life.
*hugs*
Hugs.
Jane,
Don't let them rain on your parade. Maybe you can be the drum majorette and change the system.
And always remember this:
Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom the hide the bodies of those who pissed me off.
Deep breath.
Take care
Yeah, I know what it's like. But you've paid into the system, so it's there to help you when you need it. Hang on in there. x
It was almost exactly 40 years since I was in exactly the same situation as you, and we had just had our first child. I can still remember the awful feeling of questioning of our personal finances until I asked them to leave the house and we struggled on alone. However I eventually got another job, and it really was 'for the best'.
So good luck, and keep us infromed.
I'm thinking good thoughts for you. Remember, it's only temporary. It may be a difficult temporary, but none the less, everything happens for a reason.
Post a Comment