Happy birthday dad

Thinking of you and missing you.

xxxxx

Today I am mostly...

...feeling a bit miserable and sorry for myself. This is not an attractive thing, I don't like feeling sorry for myself but I seem not to be able to shake it off today, well thus far of course, but it's early, perhaps I will shape up as the day progresses, though I have a particularly unpleasant day ahead so it's not hopeful.

It's not just today, it's the whole week, it's one of 'those' weeks where everything on the agenda is pretty much nasty or bad or difficult and I'll be more than glad when I get to Friday, much as I shouldn't wish my life away.

I'm kinda getting tired of the tough stuff, I'm tired of feeling it's always me that has to find the answers, me that offers comfort and me that at the end of the day has to keep going, dig my heels in and cry alone.

Apparently I am the strong one, apparently I am indestructible and apparently no one wonders how I am in all this crap.

I don't like being alone and not having anyone share things with and I like it even less when my own issues and upsets seem to go completely unnoticed and still I am having one thing after another heaped upon me!

Ok...pity party over, maybe I'll feel better now I've got that off my chest!

*My apologies for being grumpy.

Don't go there...

....you know what I'm referring to!

Ok, very brief overview, nice enough guy but just so not my type in the reality.

I'm seriously considering abandoning this whole dating malarkey, it's all too much faff and bother and each 'failure' just serves to dishearten me further and make me feel more lonely.

What I want I can't have it seems and what I can have I don't want!

Typical woman eh? ;)

Another day another date!

This is becoming something of a habit!

Today's foray into the world of dating is just a laid back drink at lunch time in a local pub and a chat to get to know one another a little better. Maybe a walk in the park, though given this mornings temperatures I think a skate on the pond would be more appropriate!

This one shows a little more promise, though I have of course recently learned the principle of frogs and princes. He's something of a geek (yes, that's a good thing), he has a good and interesting mind, makes me laugh, lives locally and thus far hasn't mentioned my derriere!

Again he's younger which sometimes concerns me but as every relationship I have ever had seems to have been that way maybe it's just some oddity about me and I should get used to it.

We will see but don't anyone buy a hat! ;)

Happy things!

If you read here regularly you might recall all the excitement when my best friend Lisa came to visit here last year from Nebraska on two occasions..... and the subsequent news of her engagement to Ian and then their prolonged dealings with U.S immigration. Finally he managed to emigrate and they got married last November.

Well yesterday I received an email from them titled 'Happy things' which included the photo below and news of the fact that yesterday they had delivered into their hands...... the long awaited green card!!

How cool and completely excellent is that? Ian is an American now!!

Congratulations guys, a very happy thing indeed.


Proof that there can be happy endings! :)

The date - debrief

Well, what can I say, my initial feelings were correct just about sums it up, though to be fair it was a little more bearable than anticipated.

We met in a local pub as planned, the idea being we would move on later for dinner. The reality was that we stayed put in the pub and didn't go for dinner because he wasn't hungry!

We did manage to chat pretty easily, we even laughed occasionally but it was cold, pretty dismal and rather than there being any 'spark' there was a very definite damp squib situation going on from my side. it was hard to tell quite what he thought but by 10.30 we parted amicably and went our separate ways, he home and me to McDonalds to get some food. I was starving!

Later in the evening I got a text saying 'Had a nice evening, thank you, not sure we 'clicked' but I'll call on Sunday, you're very alluring, nice arse'!! Hmmm.

Very classy!

(Please God don't let him find this blog)

Turning a corner?

The last year of my life has been without doubt one of my toughest, second only to one other many years ago....which is a whole other story.

Subsequent to the demise of what had been the most important relationship of my life to date, hotly followed by having spent better part of a year nursing my father to his death from cancer last November and then the unexpected degree of difficulty my mother has been having coping with her loss and the required degree of emotional and practical support that has been necessary, there were times, and many of them, that I thought I might just crumple up into a useless heap of hopelessness.

But somehow I didn't. Don't ask me how I didn't, I'm not sure but let's just say the alternative to coping was perhaps an even less appealing prospect.

Things however seem to be a tiny weeny bit easier, this week one or two things have changed almost intangibly, the pressure seems to have eased fractionally and maybe, just maybe, we are getting through this. Maybe the light I have been trying to see at the end of what has felt a very long, dark tunnel, is finally considering showing itself?

My mother appears to have turned a small but significant corner and in turn the constant pressure I have been under has eased slightly. Probably this will continue to be a very fine line with many ups and downs but at last I am beginning feel a little bit hopeful. I still have a long way to go to get my life back on track, I still feel like I have an almost impossible mountain to climb ahead of me but it's a start.

Famous last words? .....or is that too much negativity?! ;)

This should be um.... 'interesting'!

Tomorrow I have another date, this one however stands more chance of being rather 'interesting' for the wrong reasons, or at least not for the reasons one would usually expect from a first date!

Once already I have told this guy I perhaps don't think we are too well suited and cancelled the first date we planned but was subsequently persuaded that maybe it was worth just one date, given that in many respects we do get along pretty well.

Since then he has managed to rankle me on a number of occasions with his... er shall we call them 'strong opinions' and I can see dinner tomorrow evening turning into either a heated political debate or worse if I'm honest!

Hell, the guy even referred to my beloved Caffe Nero as "one of those pretentious coffee shops"...this does not bod well I think! ;)

Anyway, life is an adventure so they tell me, it's only one date, it beats staying in and it stands at least to be interesting in one way or another!

Maybe I'll be surprised, you never know!

Au contraire

Why is it in life that we always seem to want what we can't have and moreover, not want the things we can have?

I'm sure there must be something psychologically or emotionally deep-seated about that, perhaps the mere fact that something is unattainable makes it all the more attractive where the attainable, by the very fact that it is attainable, lacks challenge or attraction because it takes less effort? Perhaps we function to some degree on making life more difficult for ourselves, that there is some kind of perverse excitement in that which isn't readily available to us....but whatever the psychology, it's frustrating!

To be honest I don't think I want a great deal in life, just a few of the usual things, I'm not very materialistic, I don't yearn to be rich or any of that old malarkey but it would be novel if occasionally something I do want could be less of a hassle to achieve and attain!

Perhaps human nature is just a contrary thing and I should just accept it and smile sweetly!

Meh! ;)

Offensive!

Overnight I seem to have acquired something of what I see as a racially offensive 'conversation' appearing on my Facebook page. I have decided to leave it in place purely because my belief in freedom of speech would make it hypocritical for me to remove it.

I do however find it extremely offensive and wish it to be known that I didn't invite such vitriolic comment and am wholly opposed to the content.

Those of you who are my FB friends will be able to see what I am talking about, those who aren't, if you wish to see and perhaps comment just drop me a comment here or a mail with your details and I will add you.

*I would appreciate if anyone commenting on Facebook would not identify my blog there, for obvious reasons I prefer to keep the two seperate.

It's all good

Ok, so the title may be something of a slight overstatement but mindful of those lovely souls among you, who as soon as I go M.I.A. I know start to be concerned as to what new mischief or muddle I have got into this time, I thought I should just pop by and assure you none!

Nothing is amiss, there is no new trauma, I just seem to be busy with other stuff and so in the interests of prioritising I am having a very brief blog sabbatical.

I'll be back to darken your virtual doors in a day or two, if not sooner!

I thank you.

'Jane-world'

When he who decided that I wasn't for him dumped me so unceremoniously almost a year ago now, one of the accusations he hit me with at me at an increased decible level was that I lived in 'Jane-world' (my real name for those confused). This was by no means a positive thing in his opinion, the suggestion very much being that there was something 'inherently wrong' with Jane-world.

My first thought was 'no shit', of course I do, we all live in our own little corner of the world emotionally and psychologically to some degree, we are who we are, we can modify that, we can try and learn from our mistakes but ultimately we are all individuals, with our own personality, thoughts and beliefs but as time went on and I struggled through the hurt I began to be concerned that maybe there was something somehow 'wrong' with Jane-world.

It's taken me some time but slowly I have realised that actually there isn't! Jane-world may have had more than perhaps it's fair share of ups and downs recently, it may not be perfect, I might be a little no pun intended individual, I might not always get it right by a long chalk and I might not be a success as some people judge it but I am who I am, the good and the bad and there is nothing 'inherently wrong' with that, it is just what it is and perhaps my stubbornness (for want of a better word) not to lose myself and become something someone else wanted me to be was perhaps the real issue.

Jane-world may have it's pretty crap bits here and there but if nothing else it's honest, it's upfront, it's learning to love life and I even kind of like it from time to time (thought by no means all the time.)

Most of all I hope it never tries to undermine another's confidence and self belief in the manner that original accusation did mine!

Motivation........ zero!

So, I have all this time on my own, I could do a million things, well ok, maybe that's something of an exaggeration but you get my drift, but I'm not, I'm doing what I have too and precious little more.

It's nice but it's kind of aggravating at the same time!

My motivation seems to have 'done the off', something that doesn't often happen to me and what I am doing I feel I am doing in a half hearted fashion much of the time. It's not hard to be demotivated I'll admit, where looking for a job is involved, the constant disappointment in there being very little out there gets wearing and the knowing that even when there is a possible I am up against usually hundreds of other 'desperately seeking somethings'....most of whom are usually younger and better qualified than I am. But I trudge on with that one.

It's all the other stuff, I just can't get myself going with my usual verve, I am always busy but somehow not as busy as I would like to be.

I'm not entirely sure why I am suddenly afflicted in this way but I suspect that having been given a break from the last years pretty extreme stresses my small mind has decided to take a little 'recovery holiday' and given up the ghost to some degree, much as as soon as one is on holiday from work one is hit with a heinous cold or some other yukky-ness.

I'm not depressed (believe me, I know depressed), I'm not miserable, I'm just on a kind of mental low power level...which would be fine and dandy but dammit, I feel guilty for not rushing around like a thing demented! I think that over the last year I have got so used to feeling stressed that as soon as the stressors are gone I feel a little lost! Probably normal 'habit' reaction I know but still damn annoying!

*Note to self - it is ok to be a bit lazy for a week!

Sexual stupidity!

My apologies if this offends anyone but I just couldn't resist, it's just so completely unbelievable and whilst such stupidity shouldn't be remotely funny, somehow it is!

The link is flaky, hence the screen shot, click to enlarge.