I want a happy!

It gets increasingly difficult to think of anything to put here lately, it's not that I don't have things I would like to get 'out there', more that mostly it's just not appropriate, let's face it, no one wants to hear a constant stream of doom and gloom...and most of what is going on in my life at the moment hardly qualifies as cheerful stuff.

It's been five months now since 'himself' dispatched me so unceremoniously and I think I can safely say it has been one of the toughest, if not the toughest few months of my life. Me and mine have seemed barely to have a moment to come to terms with one sad debacle before the next is upon us, and whilst I think in the main I am over my broken heart and the man himself, it wasn't a good spring board from which to have to face all that has followed.

I live in hope of course but my ability to remain upbeat is gradually being eroded, for the most part I am either dealing with pretty negative stuff at the moment, sadness, stress, disappointment, it's been one hell of a roller coaster and I find that my most common state of mind is sadness. This is not depression, I know depression, this is rather just a feeling that where once there were always positive things I could try to focus on, now they are very few and instead of employing that coping strategy, in the absence of happy things to concentrate on I just have to keep my head down and keep on keeping on.

There was a moment there where I felt almost normal, a very brief foray into the world of dating but that turned into yet another abortive disaster and only served to remind me just how far from what I would like it to be, my life currently is and to leave me feeling stupid and a little more battered.

Not only here is it hard to find anything to say, I find that when I do go out I have precious little to talk about because I don't do anything, or at least not anything that makes good copy over dinner, let's face it, cancer stats, chemo regimes and the twice weekly trundle around Waitrose do not make for thrilling conversation!

In short, selfish as it may sound I'm getting pretty tired now of feeling sad, of feeling like I'm existing rather than living and just plodding on directionless. It can't be helped I know and I would rather be doing what I am than having someone else have to do it but it doesn't change the reality.

I know, I know, there are those that have a much harder time than I currently am and I appreciate that but with the best will and intent in the world, knowing that doesn't always help. I know we are supposed to say it does, and at times it does of course but the honesty is that sometimes it just doesn't.

I want a happy soon!

(See, I told you it would be doom and bloody gloom!)