On the couch

In an effort to untangle the emotional fallout and confusion that is the current bomb site of my life, I yesterday evening submitted myself to the first appointment in a course of 'turn your head and your heart inside out' counselling. Unfortunately there was no couch though...I was most disappointed!

To say I was looking forward to it would be something of an overstatement, therapy is not my idea of entertainment on a Tuesday evening but it has to be done and so do it I will. The alternative I suspect would be too live the rest of my life with some pretty hefty and entrenched emotional issues and whilst my life might have imploded on me recently I have no intention of living the rest of it as headf*cked as I have been the last six weeks!

I used to be a cheerful soul, short on cynicism and long on trust and for now the reverse applies and I don't like it and it's not good. The problem with trust of course is that it renders one vulnerable to to pain and given that I don't ever want to be subjected to the level of pain and hurt I have experienced since I was so 'royally dumped', I need among other things to understand what happened to enable me to trust anyone again...not in the sense of being cheated on, that was not the case in this instance, but trust in a more profound sense, the trust that allows one to be vulnerable and not become closed,cold and cynical about the motives of others.

I want me back, I don't want to remain feeling so damaged and whatever it takes, I'm determined to get me back...I am nothing if not stubborn!

And so it was that I sat down in front of a complete stranger and began the process. I talk easily, I don't find it difficult to be open but to have to talk in minute detail about the very things that I spend most of my time trying my damnedest not to think about is about as tough as it gets emotionally and by the time my escape was made good I walked out into the street feeling utterly dazed and shattered again.

That of course is how it works, you can't deal with the pain if you don't face it full on and however tough that might be for me it's the only way forward I suspect. My nature is that I have to gain some understanding to move on and so for the next however many weeks/months it takes I shall persevere and keep at it and hopefully by the time I come out the other end, maybe, just maybe I will begin to feel at least like a partially functioning human being again!

I may or may not blog further sessions, depending on the route this therapy malarkey takes will depend on how appropriate it may or may not be to put it 'out there' but whatever, again I want to say a massive, massive thank you too all of those around me who have suffered me over the last weeks, and suffered they have I promise you, in providing unending and stoic support to get me this far.

You know who you are guys, you have all been more than fantastic and really, I don't know where I would be now without you all and your patience in picking me up off the floor time and time again and letting me talk and rant and cry and do whatever I needed, whenever I needed, to keep me at least vaguely sane through all of this.

Thank you!