Life feels very odd sometimes.
At the moment I have no idea really, quite where I'm at....the only thing I do know for certain is that life is something of an emotional and logistical roller coaster... and I never did much like roller coasters!
Some days I feel almost 'normal' again, the normality can't of course always be guaranteed to last for more than a few hours, though on occasion now it can be persuaded too stick around a while if I'm lucky, but the question really is what is my normal? I don't know any more and sometimes I wonder if I ever will.
The bad days are still bad and they descend on me for the smallest and most insignificant of reasons, a thought, a memory, a sound or a smell and suddenly everything is black again and the light at the end of the tunnel clouds over.
But there are now though too sometimes some good days, or at least better days, and at those times I can almost forget for a while the realities and the crap and believe for a moment that it will all be alright and that I am very slowly getting closer to the light and to reclaiming something of who I am and who I should be.... and in those moments I can smile again and feel something positive and it feels good for as long as it lasts.
The roller coaster no doubt will keep on running, keep on with it's highs and lows and I would dearly love to get off sometime soon but maybe I just have to hang on in there tight for now and keep on riding it......
Saturday, 16 May 2009
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11 Comments:
The amount of good days will overtake the bad ones. Just think of it as winter and slowly day by day, the seasons change. Before you realise, the daffodils will come up and spring will be here. Keep snug and warm while the seasons change :)
I know the feeling, I decided to do something positive with the rest of my life and that was to sell up and live down in cornwall.. so I have the plan and now the stress of de-cluttering not to mention lack of SOH as support though we are in contact and he has said he will help me move I am not sure if I want to rely on him any more... perhaps that is the honesty in me now... rely on yourself, you may not think you are strong enough but I will lay odds that you are..
{{hugs}}
I told you, you will get more and more 'ok' days and soon you will find it's the bad ones that are in the minority xx
I hate rollercoasters too, both emotional ones and real ones. It's the lack of control I think, not knowing what's coming next and often it's not good.
But I'm glad to read that you also have a tunnel with light at the end of it. It may cloud over from time to time and even seem to not be there at all but it IS. It really is and you will reach it in your own good time.
Just keep walking towards it, picking up good friends on the way.
:o) xxx
You wrote "But there are now though too sometimes some good days, or at least better days, and at those times I can almost forget for a while the realities and the crap and believe for a moment that it will all be alright and that I am very slowly getting closer to the light and to reclaiming something of who I am and who I should be.... and in those moments I can smile again and feel something positive and it feels good for as long as it lasts.
OK - read it this way
But there are now some good days.
I can forget the realities and the crap. It will all be alright. and in those moments I can feel good.
There - why not look at it like that?
Bit by bit there will be more good days than bad. Trust me x
Hooray for some smiles and some good days! Maybe you can now foresee a time when you will be real happy again!
You sound like you're doing much better. Keep it up. :)
I totally know how you feel. I blame it all on womens hormones. Esp when being pregnant.
I have been feeling i have no clue who i am.
I am sure you will get off the roller coaster soon and just hoover round the cotton candy stand instead. xx
Yes yes. Hang on tight
and you'll make it through, darling!
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