I know just how he feels!

Breakfast time!

So, I'm ensconced in my 'holiday home', four bedrooms to choose from, no-one to please but myself, a lovely garden to sit in should the sun decide to shine, which at night boasts foxes and badgers, horses and chickens next door, one small and very culinarliy (is that a word?) fussy but cute rabbit to take care of, meet 'Gonzo', there's no accounting for the choices of kids is there!


and an OMG, what am I supposed to do with this?? allotment in 'full growth spurt' about the size of a small football pitch to deal with!

Gonzo is suppose to be a Netherland dwarf rabbit but some 'accidental' breeding is suspected given that he is in reality approximately the size of two Netherlands and lives in a palatial home that in emergency I could probably share with him!

Said rabbit requires that I adopt a new early morning routine. He would prefer that I attended to his menu before I have partaken of my first coffee but he has no chance, though kale and apple has to be cut and treats found very soon after the first mouthful of caffeine is enjoyed, or one risks much Leporidae displeasure!

He is though a pretty cute rabbit and does permit cuddles without too much performance... though I have yet to have the courage to attempt to transport him into the house for fear he will do the 'wriggly wabbit' thing, escape my grasp and and on day one does a disappearing act never to be seen again!

A kind of holiday and more crap car!

Tomorrow I get to go on 'holiday'...well kinda!

My days of proper holidays are pretty much behind me for now I suspect but I am heading to er...the Midlands (see I told you this wasn't going to be quite like my multi country holidays of the past!) to house and rabbit-sit for my sister and her family.

Ten days with a big house and all the trappings yada, yada, yada all to myself... but to be honest I'm not looking forward to it, in fact I am heading there in some degree of trepidation to say the least.

Firstly the crap car had done it's 'thing' again and last week decided to present 'braking issues'. As I consequence, with no money to get it fixed I have to drive all the way there on the 'A' routes at a slow speed, in case the situation arises where I have to rely on my gear box and a degree of clever maneuvering to come to a halt!

Secondly, I am a wimp and I don't like being alone for long periods, particularly not when I'm not on top 'happy form'. The thought of ten days, 24/7 completely on my own (save for the rabbit), in a mostly alien town where I know absolutely no-one, actually pretty much scares me rigid but it has to be done.

I will have plenty to keep me occupied, a big house to spring clean, an allotment to attend too (Oh I know how to live!)and a rabbit which I suspect I might turn into a house rabbit for the duration but I think by the time I get back I will probably be well practiced in the madness art of talking to myself!

Be warned...if you 'twitter' prepare to have to tolerate much of me over the next short while!!

Somebody....

......today, told me I was remarkable, who or why doesn't matter here, what matters is that they did.

It's not often, if ever, I have had a description like that applied to me and whilst I might beg to differ, just that one small thing has made a massive difference to what has thus far been a pretty shitty week in 'gemmaks-ville'.

Maybe we should all make more effort to say to people the positives that we think instead of keeping them to ourselves and assuming that somehow they just know.

Sunsets in suburbia

The good the bad and the ugly

The anniversary weekend! As follows.....

The good:

1. My parents had a fab 50th wedding anniversary.

2. I got to spend quality time with my siblings and nieces.

3. Which resulted in my 'house and rabbit sitting' for a week, next week in the Midlands. A whole four bed house all to myself!

4. No one took a picture of me in the dreaded 'frock'. Result! (For those who are desperate, and you must be is all I can say, there's a pic in the Sept' 08 archive somewhere if you care to root around.)

5. The sun continued to shine on us all day.

The Bad:

1. I was the only single adult there.

2. It made me feel very lonely.

3. I couldn't sleep and had no wifi or A/C, not sure to this day how I managed!

4. I couldn't get drunk, I was the 'nominated driver'.

5. I couldn't get drunk but I've had a headache ever since regardless!

The ugly:

1. Eating wayyyyy to much cake

2. Wearing the dreaded 'frock'.

3. Forgetting to remove my make up at night and seeing the result in the morning.

4. No A/C and a ground floor room necessitating that the windows remained closed!

5. Imagining being married longer than I have lived! ;o)

The 50 year weekend

Tommorow is my parents 50th wedding anniversary!!

50 whole years!!!

Hells bells, with my somewhat relationship/marriage history the thought seems barely possible let alone the actuality...how do people do that? I have to say I'm impressed by any one who can achieve such a long term partnership, I just wish I knew their secret! One things for sure, I ain't ever gonna make it to a golden wedding celebration of my own, unless of course I live an inordinate length of time and find anyone who actually wants to marry me and fast! ;o)

Stranger still in this day and age, though I have no issue either way I have to say, I, the eldest child of said long lasting marriage was actually born after the wedding, some years after in fact, that too is about as rare as a 50 year marriage I imagine now.

So, today is the day for getting my mother to the hairdresser and sorting out a manicure etc. etc. in readiness for the planned celebrations at a local hotel over the weekend. It's going to feel pretty odd for me, I haven't often had to be a 'single' at such events and I'm not overly keen on the idea I have to admit. No more am I, as those of you who are regular here will know, on the fact that I have to wear a dress!!

I don't 'do' dresses, I had too one time last year but aside from that I haven't worn a dress for probably 30 years, Hence the same one is going to be wheeled out tomorrow and probably that will be it's only two uses before it is relegated to someplace in the dark recesses of the wardrobe, never to see the light of day again!

There is an upside though, I do at least have my own room and use of all facilities......pool, jacuzzi yada yada, it's just a pity I don't have anyone to share them with ;o)

.......but there's always the wifi connection to keep me occupied!

It takes two to tango!

So, yesterday evening saw my penultimate session with the counsellor charged with helping me sort my tangled brain out subsequent to my being so unceremoniously dumped a few months back. There's only next weeks visit left to attend and then I'm done...well, as 'done' as I'm going to get in the short term.

Was it any use? I began with some degree of scepticism I have to admit and I carried that through the first few meetings but as time has gone on I have to admit it has been useful, very useful in fact.

There is no magic cure for having your emotions so completely messed up, it's hard work and each week I have dreaded it, it's like you almost begin to form a scab over the wound and then someone comes along and picks the damn thing back off again before it's actually finished with the healing process..... but on balance it was worth it, well worth it.

For anyone who has never had the 'pleasure' of counselling it's most unpleasant aspect is that rather than coming out of a session feeling better you usually come out feeling a whole lot worse than you went in, it takes time to understand and process the information and longer still to feel the benefits...but it works, with perseverance.

It's been hard going and I'm not all mended yet, I doubt I will ever be quite the person I was before but I'm getting there gradually and now at least I have the tools to help me move forward.

I have learned a lot, about me, about the situation and about why....most of which it wouldn't be appropriate to 'put out' here but most importantly for me I have finally begun to believe that it wasn't all me.

It takes two to tango.....and all that!

*and to the person who has been there holding my hand metaphorically throughout each session, a massive thank you (you know who you are) you have been truly amazing.

Summer lovin'

As is my way in these days of unemployment, yesterday afternoon I spent some time just sitting in the sun in the local park, reading a book and watching the world and the ducks go by.

As ever there was the usual mix of small children playing, babies in pushchairs, teenagers 'hanging out' and the more senior among us just enjoying the sun and the chance to take the air for a while.

A short distance from me I noticed a courting couple, as ever there is dotted around the place, lying in the sun on the grass happily enjoying a moment or two of sun-bathed cuddles. Contrary to those who disapprove of such public displays of affection I actually quite like to see it, it's a small reminder that there are still happy things in the world and that love does still exist...all is not lost. Ok, it might in part make me feel a little lonely in my current situation sometimes but I still find it a nice sight.

But, I digress. This particular couple it transpired were to give me a moment of feeling maybe things in this strange old world we inhabit are improving in some respects, that just maybe we are moving forward and in a positive fashion.

It was only a while later as I walked passed these two individuals that I realised two things, the first was that they were both guys and the second was that one of them was caucasian and the other Asian.

I'm sure there will be people out there who would have some complaint, we can't I suppose eradicate all homophobia or racism over night but it warmed my heart to see that this particular couple felt relaxed and safe enough together to be as they were and in that little moment and embody some hope that perhaps one day we can live in a world without prejudice.

Busy getting better!

Life seems to have become somewhat hectic of late, due in the main to the fact that TP's small surgery a couple of weeks ago is taking slightly longer to recover from than first anticipated.

All is well, it's just slower going than we had expected and as he isn't allowed to drive for now and my mother can't, all driving duties are for a short time, mine. The upside is that I get to have a decent car for a few weeks as opposed to trying to drag the crap car from place to place and I can't say that I much relish having to return to it anytime soon, hell, no electric windows or power assisted steering to name but a few! Ppfftt.

We are up against something of a time issue with this recovery process too because next weekend it will be 50 years since my parents married (jeez, 50 years....given my relationship history that seems pretty damn impressive, if something of an impossibility) and there is a big celebration with overnight stay etc. planned at a local hotel. TP has to be fit by then and so this coming week will be concentrated on that goal...which will be achieved without doubt!

Believe me, you don't do 50 years of marriage and then miss your own party! ;o)

How to change a tyre!

Madness...but I can't help but be impressed! ;o)

I'm me!

The last few months of my life have been a pretty steep learning curve in one way and another and situations and emotions I thought, or at least hoped, I would never have to face, I have had to look hard in the eye at a time when I mistakenly imagined I was begining to get my life in some semlance of order and be in the place emotionally that I had always wanted to be.

No-one's life is always straightforward and there are many with far greater difficulties than mine to face. We are each the sum of our own individual life experience, we all have our personal ups and downs, our happy times and our sad and it's those experiences, the good and the bad shape us and make us the individuals we are.

I have learned, I hope, a considerable amount about myself and about others over the last three months. Most of it I would have been only too glad to have never had to learn but the option wasn't mine to choose, so having been thrown in the deep end without a life jacket so to speak, I had two choices, sink or swim. I chose to swim, though as those who are closest to me would tell you, I did a fair amount of just treading water trying not to drown, while I mustered the strength and decided which!

I'm still some way from 'fixed' but I'm also a long way from where I was three months ago and emotionally, if not yet practically, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and I've learned, if nothing else, that I am who I am and never again will I try to be someone I'm not. I'm me....and I kinda even like some bits of me! The other bits are a work in progress.

I'm far from perfect, I probably have more than my fair share of 'quirks', I make mistakes, I make poor choices, I fuck up spectacularly sometimes and I'm certainly not all 'sugar and spice'......but there's some okay bits in there too and I'll be damned if I'm going to go through life any longer trying to please everyone.

My bio in my profile here has long said that 'one of the things I have learned in half a lifetime' is that 'you can't please all of the people all of the time'.... so maybe it's time I stopped trying and started living my life my way. I can't morph into something I'm not to suit others and I'm not even sure anymore that I want to.

I'm me, I have always been me, I will always be me and those who don't like it can do the other thing!

Done and dusted!

It's been a mad few days consisting in the main of driving to and from hospital to visit TP and fighting the hospital's shambolic car parking system. I have yet to have the pleasure of any hospital car park (and believe me there's been a few of late) that does actually operate in a fashion that might assist it's patients, this one certainly didn't and it took me anything up to an hour of aimless driving around in circles on each visit until I could ditch the car anywhere at all.

And then we pay for this privilege!?

How cardiac care units aren't full to the gunnels, purely from the effects on patients and visitors of trying to park amazes me, I'm sure my blood pressure was considerably elevated by each foray and I certainly didn't arrive cool, calm and collected, rater more, hot, harassed and very un-collected!

But, it was all worth it, TP's procedure went to plan, the recovery was text book and so far so good, it appears to have done what it was intended to do and been a complete success. As a consequence, this morning, still half asleep and with bed head in my case bright and early he was turfed out back into the real world and into the care of my mother and myself, god help him! ;o)

So that's another stage in the whole long process about done and dusted and another positive step forward.

Fingers crossed that the next phase goes as well.

The home run

This next week will be one of returning to the 'occupation' of taxi and visiting services.

Today TP goes back into hospital for what will hopefully be the last leg of his treatment. Assuming this goes well it should be the last in-patient stint in the whole protracted affair.

This time it's relatively minor 'tidying up' surgery to complete the process that was begun a year ago and hopefully it won't be too traumatic, though I have to say, any surgery seems pretty traumatic to me but then I am not one of the world's brave souls where such things are concerned!

The 'action' isn't until tomorrow but various things require stabilising before commencement and hence the early admission.

It is thus that things may be a little quiet in these parts for a few days.

Now, where my chauffeurs cap............