One small step

As is well documented here my greatest fear, my horror of horrors, my ultimate terror, is spiders. It's irrational I know, many things that are way more likely to harm me hold no fear for me but spiders, without doubt are the only thing that produce in me that knee jerk 'mad woman screaming' reaction instantly...no preamble, no anything remotely controlled, just an 'over the top, run in the opposite direction screaming like a fool' response.

It's kinda aggravating, not only for those around me witnessing this spectacle but also for myself, it controls too much of my life in small ways, I have perfected all of the standard avoidance techniques. The shower and the bed have to be checked for 'inhabitants' on each use, I don't sit on grass comfortably, gardening (which I love in all other respects) is like running the gamut, a spider in my bedroom requires that I de-camp for the night until it can be found and and anything moving in the corner of my eye is immediately considered an eight legged invader and produces the 'run away and behave pathetically' reaction until whatever it really is has been investigated.

To this end, and for various other reasons, yesterday something inside me suddenly decided something had to be done, if only in a very small way and so, when advanced upon in the usual unpleasant manner by a small specimen (maybe 1.5 inches in leg span) I stood my ground.

I'm pretty good at this stuff, I know a little about the psychology, I know the 'rules of engagement' and for the first time I employed them against the aforementioned advancing threat and instead of turning tail, I forced myself to keep looking, to stay within firing range, trying desperately to run any kind of positive reinforcement through my small mind as I did so....but there was more!

Having achieved that small step and my torturer remaining within scope......I held my hand out and touched it, ok, so it was with outstretched arm and it was only a little poke but gemmak voluntarily touched a spider!!!!!!....and lived to tell the tale!

So one small step, I can't say I'll ever get to the 'tarantula on arm stage' but maybe I can, with time, get to the 'this isn't going to rule my life significantly anymore' stage.

Hell, even looking at the damn thing was impressive for me, touching it, even briefly, was kinda Jesus, why am I doing this massive.