Dad...

....wherever you are may the jazz be as funky as hell and the red wine be of a suitably excellent vintage.

One year on, thinking of you and missing you......

Almost one year on

This will be a short post, I have to 'get it out there' but I am trying not to wallow.

I have for the last few months been dreading this week because it holds the first anniversary of two very sad losses, which occurred exactly one week apart.

Firstly the very untimely death from cancer, while only in his forties, of a very good friend, someone who had been a massive support to me, despite his own difficulties and who was an all round fabby guy, held in very high esteem and with much affection by all those who had the privilege of having him touch their lives.

Be happy my friend, wherever you are, thinking of you and your family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next, exactly one week later was the day that my father died, also of cancer and unfortunately I have one of those minds that manages to recall just about every minute detail of his last week with us, all kinds of memories, surprisingly perhaps not all sad despite that last week being in a hospice with the inevitable outcome hanging over our heads....but I could do without what seems to be a constant reel of film of those days running through my head.

Like I said, I haven't been looking forward to this week and it's not turning out to be any nicer than I had anticipated.....

There is so much more I could say/would like to say but for today at least the thought of typing it all down is too much.

I'm still here.....

.....kind of!

I know, I am completely crap at this blogging malarkey right now but I'm still trying, though it seems pretty much of an uphill struggle at the moment and fights for position (on the few occasions I actually manage to boot up my lappy) with a pile of emails I have coming out of my ears and requests for help with one or two geeky things. Hell, most days it's all I can do to tweet once or twice and make it to Facebook to utter one or two inane words!

But, a short update of other stuff I have been doing since I last showed my face in these parts:

I have attended my 'Driver awareness' course, my punishment for exceeding the speed limit by 4mph. What an utter waste of an entire Saturday and £40 worth of fuel! It was tutored by a middle class, double barrelled bully, who was seriously lacking in any vestige of humour and has absolutely no concept of real life pressures.

I learned precisely two things, that where it says 'SLOW' in big white letters on a carriageway, someone has sadly been killed and that one can actually steer around a corner just as fast steering properly as opposed to crossing ones hands.

A good money making exercise I suspect is it's main aim, 600 people a week in that one centre alone at £80 a hit.... you do the math! Hey ho, I have duly sucked it up and it's history now.

Next, I have become brutally reminded this week of the down side of working outside and driving for a living. All those who were envious in the summer can now have a laugh at my expense!

And a positive. I have finally been awarded working tax credits and had them backdated so I have a little more in my 'escape and get my life back' fund....more on that another time.

A less positive. I am currently going through something of a 'bitter and twisted spell' about life....I have tried very hard not to but I seem to have failed somewhat of late and have a horrible feeling of general annoyance with aspects of my world that I can't seem to shake. *Note to self - STOP IT!

And finally....'N' is just lovely and fabby! :)

That's all for now. More as soon as I can manage it...... and if I owe you mail I am getting there, honestly!

Turning the dream around

I don't really know where to begin this post so I shall just type and see what lands up on the page, it's always worked before albeit in a rambling fashion at times!

Today has not been a good one. I don't know why today as opposed to any other day, the was no obvious reason but from the word go I felt as miserable as sin. Nothing specific had happened, I had nightmares all night long but in the same vein, I have no idea why after all that has gone on over the last year or two, last night I should be treated to such heinous dreams. Just one of those things maybe but whatever today was pretty crap.

Crap why? Well my head just seems to be overflowing with worries and frustrations right now.

I don't think I want or expect too much from life these days but I do have a few goals which are very important to me but no matter how I try they seem to keep eluding me.

What do I want? I want a stable, loving, mutually supportive relationship...which lasts this time, I want a home of my own, though only a tiny one and I want a cat. That's it, nothing else. It doesn't seem too much to me but maybe it is because any one of those things seems so damn hard to achieve!

Hell fire, it's over twenty months now since 'the ex' left me jobless, homeless, bankrupt and somewhat lost and in all that time I seem to have achieved little towards my goals, despite being pretty single minded and stubborn.

Ok, so I lost better part of a year in nursing my father maybe and dealing with my mother since has been pretty difficult but still, I feel I should have got further than I have.

Patience is not my forte I accept and I try to tell myself that it will all come in time but it feels like forever some days.

The minutiae of all of this is what has been filling my mind all day, trying to plot and plan, one minute feeling hopeful, the next feeling utterly overwhelmed with what feels like impossibilities, trying to think of new ways to get to where I want, trying to rationalise my situation and trying not to feel sorry for myself. At times it worked but most times it didn't.

Finally I found myself being white van woman with tears streaming down my face, not the safest or most attractive way to drive I grant you but I just couldn't stop. Between customers I was wiping my eyes and trying to look cheerful hoping no-one would notice my puffy red eyes or my snuffly sounding nose..... until I managed to force myself to see the progress I have made.

I have met a man of whom I am more than a little fond, with whom I spend a lot of time, who makes me laugh, who makes me feel human again and who is absolutely lovely and I do have hope that although it has only been three months it will continue to grow into something more.

I have got a job, which for the most part I enjoy and I have built it up to a point where my being made redundant seems unlikely anytime soon.

I have managed to save some money, not enough yet but enough to make me feel I might eventually manage to house myself if only in a room for now (hell, have you seen the prices this close to London? It's over £500pcm on average just for one room!). Yes, I would love a little flat but it's not going to happen on my wage so best I tailor my dreams on that one for now.

I have managed to get myself into a position with my siblings etc. that may enable me to move out, despite the situation with my mum.

.....and I most importantly of all I still have my dream, of a partner, a little home and a cat. As long as I can dream and believe then maybe, just maybe, some day that dream can still come true.

I spoke too soon!

What is it they say about pride coming before a fall?

Yesterday among my other wittering, I mentioned that work was going well.... and it was. Finally, we (that's my boss and myself) had got enough new business to warrant my employ, I was making enough money to keep the bean counters happy and all was well.

Something had to go wrong didn't it. I mean, to expect more than one good day was asking a little too much wasn't it?

What happened? Today, yes, I am well aware it is the 13th, I managed to wreck my van! Ergh....and it was all going so well.

Don't ask me how exactly, I suppose if we knew how then accidents wouldn't happen but myself and another vehicle failed to see one another and reversed into each other. Damage to his vehicle almost zero, damage to mine, probably enough to write it off and if not then it will be a close run thing.

Now here is the rub, he perhaps had some excuse, I am a small white van....I however do not, his vehicle was a bright red articulated lorry!

FFS! How on earth did I not see that???

Whatever, I didn't see him, I can only imagine that somehow he was just in my blind spot because even with the realisation that I had made signifigant contact with something, when I looked in my mirrors to see what it was, I still couldn't see him. I won't bore you with a diagram but it is feasible.....that doesn't stop me being thoroughly p*ssed off about it, or my boss with me!

One thing I notice has been consistent, I got my recent speeding ticket when I was under heavy pressure of time to make my next call and again today I was under pressure to get somewhere in a stupidly short period. driving and stress are not good companions in me it appears.

All that aside however, I hate making mistakes and I should have seen a b-i-g r-e-d t-r-u-c-k somehow! I am paid to drive, not drive into things!

Me, stiff shoulder, sore neck and very hurt pride.

Bum!

Carrying on

My current inability to blog seems to remain and despite my making every effort, I just don't seem to have the time, or if I do then anything worth blogging seems to elude me completely.

I have considered mothballing this little patch in the blogosphere, something I never thought I would dare even think but over the last few months, the fact that it's here and I don't use it, makes me feel under some odd kind of pressure and I don't need more pressure. However, I can't quite bring myself to do that and so I shall persevere and try to think of this as a 'blip', blog when I can and hope my mojo gets back on it's feet (or back from wherever it is it has been) before tooooo much longer.... because despite appearances otherwise I miss it.

So, a little update at least, nothing earth shattering, work is my saviour right now, a place to escape to and think about normal things, it's going pretty well given that a month or two ago I was looking at redundancy and I don't know what i would do without it now. Ok...blog maybe I hear you say!

Things on the homefront are still extremely difficult, I can't go into detail but my mother is still struggling badly with the loss of my father and that impacts on myself and my siblings massively one way and another. I am finding ways to cope but often times I feel pretty much overwhelmed by it, I have two choices though, get on with it or fall apart, the latter is not an option!

And finally 'N'...all is going well there, I can't imagine that we have only been an item for three months or so, it seems as thought he has always been there and whilst trying to run any kind of relationship with not one but two mothers to sort out along the way and little or no privact is 'testing', it's well worth the effort. The man is a star!

The whole 'falling for someone' thing still scares the life out of me but I am trying my best not to let past experiences with those, who shall on this occasion remain nameless (you know who I am talking about) make me too negative and live day on day without being too scared of tomorrow.

I think then that's about it, no major incidents to report but in my life I consider that a good thing.

I shall try and return soon! ;)

gemmak uncovered!

Hey....nothing too exciting, don't get carried away but for me something of a significant step and one I am never sure about but in the interests of honesty etc. etc. I feel is appropriate.

I have bitten a small bullet and told 'N' the whereabouts of 'gemmak'...whether he will land up here who knows and quite what he might think of it, again, who knows, but 'N' if you do make your way here, Hello you....this is me, warts and all! ;)

So much....

....I want to write here but can't (I have to find a solution to that situation somehow) and so little time......

dammit, on both counts!

Cat people will understand!

Remember 'Hammy'?

Those who read here regularly will remember 'Hammy' perhaps?

Well as of yesterday she is no longer, she is deceased, gone to the great hamster cage in the sky :(

I appreciate this isn't on the scale of some of my recent losses but it makes me a little sad nonetheless, despite the fact that she didn't live with me any longer.

When life necessitated that I move to my parents eighteen months ago I couldn't keep her so my brother took her, but she had an eventful little life and after she made a number of escape attempts it was decided she would go to one of his friends. She had narrowly missed a few over enthusiastic 'investigations' by his dog and it was only going to be a matter of time....

The said friend is an animal nut and really wanted her as opposed to just taking her out of kindness so, off she went about a year ago to join the menagerie already resident at her new home.

All was well, she was well cared for, I saw her occasionally and she had as much food and attention as any hamster could wish for.

She died of old age in her sleep but she was a happy little hamster who had more adventures than many.

One of 'those' moments!

Today was dreaded dentist day, those of you who have read here over time will know that me and dentistry do not a happy combination make by any stretch of the imagination! I hate it and nothing on God's green earth seems to prevent me from turning into a useless heap of quivering jelly from about 48 hours prior to any appointment....today wasn't any different and added to that it had a kind of horrible extra significance.

You see, despite my being, um.... a great big useless coward 'forty something,' wherever possible I have taken someone along with me for moral support...and usually that has been my dad over recent years. Given my age and my degree of fear this had become something of a tradition that caused amusement among the reception staff, a fact that was to prove quite difficult on this occasion!

This was to be my first dental visit since my dad died and my first alone for quite some years. The lack of my dad by my side chivvying me along with his unending humour was pretty much on my mind anyway when I walked in alone on very wobbly legs and with somewhat wobbly emotions this afternoon but I was about to get a whole lot worse.

I was greeted with a cheery 'hello' and a smile by the attending receptionist....who then continued by making a joke of my managing to be their alone for once and asking where on earth my dad was this time!

I hesitated for a moment and then without thinking just said "he's dead". I perhaps could have said it with a little more tact but I was taken by such surprise that I just blurted out what came, what followed was one of 'those' seemingly unending silences which spread throughout the reception area, while someone thought what to say next.

Rarely lost for words for long, even if they aren't always entirely appropriate words, it was me who broke the silence with another knee jerk sentence...."I suppose while I'm here then I should ask you to remove him from your list of patients shouldn't I". I don't think it was perhaps my best line but distracted said receptionist from her embarrassment and I shuffled into to the lions den so distracted I forgot to be scared anymore.

Maybe my dad helped me in his absence just the same!

The slightly nuts woman I used to know

Well that was something of a failure!

The blogging from my phone idea didn't appear to be the answer to my lack of posting did it? In my defence however, it had as much to do with the app. I tried to use as it did with my current lack of time and blogging mojo. It worked the once, froze the phone and that was it and a better one seems not to be immediately available either. Hey ho.

So it's back to the trusty old laptop.

My ten days holiday is over and I have to admit that under my current circumstances I am more than a little pleased to get back to work. My home life is very difficult right now and being at work something of a respite. I woke at 5am this morning after only two hours sleep full of beans and ready to go, I am I know something of an oddity!

The holiday was not all a lost cause though I hasten to add. Myself and 'N' managed a few days away, peace and quiet and none of the usual difficulties that have become the norm of late. We had planned on a few days at the coast or something similar but our attempts at finding something suitable at such short notice and for minimal cost were thwarted so finally, having realised that all we wanted was a few days escape from the stress we booked into a local hotel and pretended for a long weekend that real life didn't exist.

Absolute bliss! For four whole days I felt like me again instead of the ragged, anxious, worry wart I seem to have become over the last eighteen months. Me, the slightly very nuts, laughing, life is fun woman I remember from days gone by.

It was fabulous, to do nothing, to worry about nothing, to offload my responsibilities and to give myself permission just not to give a damn about any of it for a few days.....priceless.

Oh....and it really wasn't by design that the hotel we chose had absolutely no cellular coverage at all, but hell it was a bonus! ;)

Test!

So... This is my latest plan to blog more often... Assuming of course it works which seems not to be a given, to blog from my phone perhaps. Lets see if it works....

I am on holiday....

....and I suppose I should be jumping up and down with glee but I'm not, to be completely honest I would rather be at work!

That probably sounds a little odd to most of you and I can remember only too well a time when I couldn't wait for my holidays but right now isn't that time, right now work is my escape and what for the most part what keeps me sane.

I do however have some plans, the first of which is sleep and lots of it and the second of which is facing 'the list'. I have lots of day to day stuff I really need to catch up with, you know, all those chores and official type things you always mean to do but don't really fancy so they get pushed to the bottom of the dreaded 'to-do' list repeatedly. Well this week I am determined to take on my list and if I achieve nothing else at least see that off.

And finally, with a big chunk of luck and a prevailing wind 'N' and I will get to have a few days away somewhere later in the week. At this stage we have absolutely no idea where, or even if he can get the time off but we are gonna try and do something if it kills us!