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Sunday, 4 April 2010
Saturday, 3 April 2010
Friday, 2 April 2010
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Tuesday, 30 March 2010
A health warning?
So, I'm on my holiday at my sisters, all is well, a wonderful time is being had by all and then suddenly, yesterday evening, water begins to pour through the dining room ceiling! I will add here that the local friendly plumber was ensconced upstairs apparently fixing a minor problem with the heating system, things were obviously not going to any plan he had in mind!
This is not a good thing as you can imagine particularly on the day that is supposed to play host to my nieces sixteenth birthday celebration.
Minor panic ensued, I was the only adult in residence at the time (wouldn't you know it!), the kids were hastily organised into a small army of bucket collectors and mopping up-ers after I had located the electrical supply and killed it. Turning the water supply off was apparently irrelevant, the problem was a split in the base of the tank, whatever we did it was going to drain through the ceiling....all of it!
It began to resemble something from a Carry-On film, the place was chaos, the children were panicking worried the house might actually fall down, the plumber was mortified and cursing under his breath madly while trying his best to stem the flow, the house phone and my mobile were ringing off the hook with my mother trying to get ahold of me and more than a little ironically a rep. for an electricity company turned up on the doorstep and was particularly persistent, despite my explaining the situation and then left in a rather rude manner when it became apparent I wasn't going to 'entertain' him any longer!
Eventually the tank drained, new plans were hastily made for the birthday celebrations and everyone but myself and the plumber left. He did his thing, installed a new tank and got it up and running and I began the clearing up process. Only the electrics remain to be sorted out now.
Why do these things always seem to happen when I'm in proximity? I'm beginning to think I should come with a bloody health warning pinned to me!
This is not a good thing as you can imagine particularly on the day that is supposed to play host to my nieces sixteenth birthday celebration.
Minor panic ensued, I was the only adult in residence at the time (wouldn't you know it!), the kids were hastily organised into a small army of bucket collectors and mopping up-ers after I had located the electrical supply and killed it. Turning the water supply off was apparently irrelevant, the problem was a split in the base of the tank, whatever we did it was going to drain through the ceiling....all of it!
It began to resemble something from a Carry-On film, the place was chaos, the children were panicking worried the house might actually fall down, the plumber was mortified and cursing under his breath madly while trying his best to stem the flow, the house phone and my mobile were ringing off the hook with my mother trying to get ahold of me and more than a little ironically a rep. for an electricity company turned up on the doorstep and was particularly persistent, despite my explaining the situation and then left in a rather rude manner when it became apparent I wasn't going to 'entertain' him any longer!
Eventually the tank drained, new plans were hastily made for the birthday celebrations and everyone but myself and the plumber left. He did his thing, installed a new tank and got it up and running and I began the clearing up process. Only the electrics remain to be sorted out now.
Why do these things always seem to happen when I'm in proximity? I'm beginning to think I should come with a bloody health warning pinned to me!
Sunday, 28 March 2010
One year on!
It's been a year, to the day, since 'you know who' so perfunctorily dispatched me from his life and his home with barely a backwards glance.
And what a year it's been!
In that time I have had just two communications from him, both just email, the first to say he wasn't about to change his decision, the second when my father died to say he was 'sorry'. That was it, no further explanation, no nothing.
At the time I thought my heart would break, I had never felt anything so intensely painful before in my life, I was completely lost and with absolutely no real idea of how to move forward.
Subsequent to that, those who read here regularly will know that things didn't get a whole lot better, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and required nursing to his death just before Christmas, exactly a week before that a very good friend who had supported me throughout, also lost his battle with cancer and now my mother is needing pretty extensive help getting over her loss. I still don't have a job or a home of my own and I still have something of a mountain to climb to get my life back. But you know what? With the benefit of hindsight I can honestly say I would rather be where I'm at now than where I was a year ago.
I have learned a great deal in that year, yes, it had been almost unbearable at times and yes there has been many an occasion I would have cheerfully just curled up under a stone somewhere and died but for all that, I am me, I no longer have to pretend to be someone I'm not, I have my integrity and my self respect in tact and I'm proud of myself for 'making it' this far. I might be a little damaged and battered around the emotional edges, I might be a slightly different person to the blindly trusting one I was a year ago but I know now that without doubt, even if I had the opportunity to turn the clock back, I wouldn't.
I would rather be where I am today, with all it's difficulties, than be with someone who patently couldn't step up to the emotional plate.
His loss!
And what a year it's been!
In that time I have had just two communications from him, both just email, the first to say he wasn't about to change his decision, the second when my father died to say he was 'sorry'. That was it, no further explanation, no nothing.
At the time I thought my heart would break, I had never felt anything so intensely painful before in my life, I was completely lost and with absolutely no real idea of how to move forward.
Subsequent to that, those who read here regularly will know that things didn't get a whole lot better, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and required nursing to his death just before Christmas, exactly a week before that a very good friend who had supported me throughout, also lost his battle with cancer and now my mother is needing pretty extensive help getting over her loss. I still don't have a job or a home of my own and I still have something of a mountain to climb to get my life back. But you know what? With the benefit of hindsight I can honestly say I would rather be where I'm at now than where I was a year ago.
I have learned a great deal in that year, yes, it had been almost unbearable at times and yes there has been many an occasion I would have cheerfully just curled up under a stone somewhere and died but for all that, I am me, I no longer have to pretend to be someone I'm not, I have my integrity and my self respect in tact and I'm proud of myself for 'making it' this far. I might be a little damaged and battered around the emotional edges, I might be a slightly different person to the blindly trusting one I was a year ago but I know now that without doubt, even if I had the opportunity to turn the clock back, I wouldn't.
I would rather be where I am today, with all it's difficulties, than be with someone who patently couldn't step up to the emotional plate.
His loss!
Saturday, 27 March 2010
Let there be cake!
Well I made it and without incident, the crap car behaved reasonably admirably and the services of the local fire or rescue organisation were not required!
And it's all been good since then. Much teenage hilarity and shenanigans! My niece turns sixteen this week which is more than ample excuse for chocolate cake by the bucket load (she and I are from the same mould),I managed a whole relaxing nights sleep and this morning commenced with good coffee in the garden accompanied by sunshine, the rabbit and a multitude of frogs croaking merrily in the pond.
This is bliss and right now I have the remainder of the cake in my sights.....
And it's all been good since then. Much teenage hilarity and shenanigans! My niece turns sixteen this week which is more than ample excuse for chocolate cake by the bucket load (she and I are from the same mould),I managed a whole relaxing nights sleep and this morning commenced with good coffee in the garden accompanied by sunshine, the rabbit and a multitude of frogs croaking merrily in the pond.
This is bliss and right now I have the remainder of the cake in my sights.....
Friday, 26 March 2010
Heading off
Well, the crap car appears not to be showing any further signs of spontaneously combusting so I'm going to take the risk and head off on my small holiday-ette at lunch time today!
It's going to be a slow journey, I daren't hit the gas in any kind of very positive manner and it's Friday on the M1 but I can't wait, a week of nothing, fabulous!
I am however not that confident, I have my RAC membership card firmly in my grasp and my laptop will not be in the boot, rather on the seat next to me so that in the event of something 'interesting' occurring I can beat a hasty retreat with it in my hand!
Hell fire (pun intended), if the whole issue goes up in smoke, let it burn, I can live without the rest but just don't take my laptop too! ;)
I'll catch you at the other end, it may be a little more quiet here than usual while I'm away but doubtless I'll pop in and out....
It's going to be a slow journey, I daren't hit the gas in any kind of very positive manner and it's Friday on the M1 but I can't wait, a week of nothing, fabulous!
I am however not that confident, I have my RAC membership card firmly in my grasp and my laptop will not be in the boot, rather on the seat next to me so that in the event of something 'interesting' occurring I can beat a hasty retreat with it in my hand!
Hell fire (pun intended), if the whole issue goes up in smoke, let it burn, I can live without the rest but just don't take my laptop too! ;)
I'll catch you at the other end, it may be a little more quiet here than usual while I'm away but doubtless I'll pop in and out....
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
Fire and brimstone - another 'crap car' episode!
So...last night, in the wee small hours I drove home, bleary eyed as one does, parked up outside the house and suddenly became aware that the crap car was producing clouds of smoke and a particularly acrid burning smell!
This was not a good thing at such an hour and in the pouring rain I assure you. I knew it wasn't the brakes burning yet again, I am way too familiar with that particularly noxious 'scent', It wasn't electrical, I know that one too...but I just couldn't find from where it was coming and finally admitted defeat, having turned myself upside down on the wet road still to no avail.
Having given up I went indoors and went to bed. I didn't sleep of course, conscious, as the ex-wife of a fireman, that it's in no way unusual for faulty cars to suddenly ignite. Instead I spend the majority of what remained of the night keep poking my face out of the curtains to make sure I wasn't about to be responsible for something of a disturbance in the street.
This morning, miffed and concerned I checked all the fluid levels...poked around under the bonnet (hood for you lovely people in the U.S.), turned myself upside down underneath it again hunting for things amiss but nothing!
Next I called my brother who is way more able with things mechanical than I, he ran through a 'have you done this' list. I did what I hadn't but still nothing amiss so it was decided that best I 'suck it and see'. No other way to find out.
So, in trepidation I did, I started it up and all seemed fine...I drove it carefully into town, still no incident, I drove it further afield, still nothing! Well ok, there's lots of things falling off it and it's going to struggle to look vaguely hopeful at it's MOT next month but there was no sign of last nights fire and brimstone.....absolutely none!
How odd, cars don't fix themselves, they just don't, you know that, I know that but as if by magic mine appears to have.
This is more worrying that finding the problem in my book, particularly as I have to drive to the midlands on Friday!
Watch this space...I may yet be twittering or blogging from the hard shoulder of the M1 in which ever county I happen to be.... while the fire brigade do their stuff!
I hate having an old car, I don't give a damn that it looks a fright, it's just that it's a constant concern, completely unreliable and I hardly dare take it any distance these days, which kind of defeats it's purpose does it not?!
This was not a good thing at such an hour and in the pouring rain I assure you. I knew it wasn't the brakes burning yet again, I am way too familiar with that particularly noxious 'scent', It wasn't electrical, I know that one too...but I just couldn't find from where it was coming and finally admitted defeat, having turned myself upside down on the wet road still to no avail.
Having given up I went indoors and went to bed. I didn't sleep of course, conscious, as the ex-wife of a fireman, that it's in no way unusual for faulty cars to suddenly ignite. Instead I spend the majority of what remained of the night keep poking my face out of the curtains to make sure I wasn't about to be responsible for something of a disturbance in the street.
This morning, miffed and concerned I checked all the fluid levels...poked around under the bonnet (hood for you lovely people in the U.S.), turned myself upside down underneath it again hunting for things amiss but nothing!
Next I called my brother who is way more able with things mechanical than I, he ran through a 'have you done this' list. I did what I hadn't but still nothing amiss so it was decided that best I 'suck it and see'. No other way to find out.
So, in trepidation I did, I started it up and all seemed fine...I drove it carefully into town, still no incident, I drove it further afield, still nothing! Well ok, there's lots of things falling off it and it's going to struggle to look vaguely hopeful at it's MOT next month but there was no sign of last nights fire and brimstone.....absolutely none!
How odd, cars don't fix themselves, they just don't, you know that, I know that but as if by magic mine appears to have.
This is more worrying that finding the problem in my book, particularly as I have to drive to the midlands on Friday!
Watch this space...I may yet be twittering or blogging from the hard shoulder of the M1 in which ever county I happen to be.... while the fire brigade do their stuff!
I hate having an old car, I don't give a damn that it looks a fright, it's just that it's a constant concern, completely unreliable and I hardly dare take it any distance these days, which kind of defeats it's purpose does it not?!
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
The countdown has begun...
....to my small holiday-ette! Only three more sleeps.
Friday morning, bright eyed and hopefully bushy tailed I am off for about a week to my sisters in the Midlands. It may not sound like the usual salubrious kind of holiday destination but there's no flight costs, it's a change of scenery and I can get back quickly should it be required....always assuming the crap car doesn't disintegrate en-route! Hey, it's a break, that's good enough.
Alternative arrangements have been made for my responsibilities here and thus far it appears to be a go, famous last words but with a little luck and a prevailing wind it will happen....and I can't wait!
A whole week of less stress, the highly entertaining company of my two teenage nieces, my sister and brother are always good company, different places to investigate, uninterrupted time to dedicate to looking for a job and time to just 'be' and get my head together some. Oh, and there's the rabbit of course! :)
Bring it on!
Friday morning, bright eyed and hopefully bushy tailed I am off for about a week to my sisters in the Midlands. It may not sound like the usual salubrious kind of holiday destination but there's no flight costs, it's a change of scenery and I can get back quickly should it be required....always assuming the crap car doesn't disintegrate en-route! Hey, it's a break, that's good enough.
Alternative arrangements have been made for my responsibilities here and thus far it appears to be a go, famous last words but with a little luck and a prevailing wind it will happen....and I can't wait!
A whole week of less stress, the highly entertaining company of my two teenage nieces, my sister and brother are always good company, different places to investigate, uninterrupted time to dedicate to looking for a job and time to just 'be' and get my head together some. Oh, and there's the rabbit of course! :)
Bring it on!
Monday, 22 March 2010
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Sunday, 21 March 2010
Dating 'dismorphia'!
Whoever it was persuaded me to ever get into the whole dating site thing, I suspect can't possibly have gone that route themselves...that or they thought they might have a little joke on me!
What a bloody carry-on!
The best I can say for it is that it has it amusing moments and it probably beats watching paint dry but that's about as good as it gets. I appreciate it's hard to describe ones self but come on....somewhere near the reality might be a possibility, or maybe not it seems.
Perhaps some individuals have a very different view of themselves than others see them and I'm all for people having a good positive image of themselves but my idea of 'slightly cuddly' isn't 30 stone at 5'6" tall, my idea of 'honest' isn't to tell me you don't have kids and then suddenly remember three whole ones, my idea of 'respect' isn't to ask me what colour underwear I am wearing within three emails and nor is my idea of 'intelligent and articulate' someone who can't manage to spell the title of their profession!
I know there must be some normal guys out there but they seem few and far between on dating sites that's for sure. Thus far I have met only one normal guy, it didn't work out but we remain good friends but most don't even have the civility to even acknowledge a message. How hard can it be just to say, 'sorry, not interested' or something along those lines!
I have persevered I promise you but as time goes on my interest is waning badly, the best it seems I can hope for is a kind of horrified amusement and the opportunity to respond curtly to some pretty weird/worrying/downright scary/laughable [insert any number of other options unmentionable here] offers!
I don't mind someones weight/number of children/yada yada, we are all individuals and I don't, I hope, have preconcieved ideas, particularly about physicality, it's the downright dishonesty that gets me!
Jeez!
What a bloody carry-on!
The best I can say for it is that it has it amusing moments and it probably beats watching paint dry but that's about as good as it gets. I appreciate it's hard to describe ones self but come on....somewhere near the reality might be a possibility, or maybe not it seems.
Perhaps some individuals have a very different view of themselves than others see them and I'm all for people having a good positive image of themselves but my idea of 'slightly cuddly' isn't 30 stone at 5'6" tall, my idea of 'honest' isn't to tell me you don't have kids and then suddenly remember three whole ones, my idea of 'respect' isn't to ask me what colour underwear I am wearing within three emails and nor is my idea of 'intelligent and articulate' someone who can't manage to spell the title of their profession!
I know there must be some normal guys out there but they seem few and far between on dating sites that's for sure. Thus far I have met only one normal guy, it didn't work out but we remain good friends but most don't even have the civility to even acknowledge a message. How hard can it be just to say, 'sorry, not interested' or something along those lines!
I have persevered I promise you but as time goes on my interest is waning badly, the best it seems I can hope for is a kind of horrified amusement and the opportunity to respond curtly to some pretty weird/worrying/downright scary/laughable [insert any number of other options unmentionable here] offers!
I don't mind someones weight/number of children/yada yada, we are all individuals and I don't, I hope, have preconcieved ideas, particularly about physicality, it's the downright dishonesty that gets me!
Jeez!
Saturday, 20 March 2010
I really should....
....write something here today but I'm not gonna, the blogging mojo appears to have done the off again!
Hey ho, no doubt it will return to bend your collective ear again in a day or two.
Happy weekend guys!
Hey ho, no doubt it will return to bend your collective ear again in a day or two.
Happy weekend guys!
Thursday, 18 March 2010
....and repeat
When my father was ill and my life was centered around caring for him, in retrospect I had something of a blinkered and perhaps naive view of the future it would seem now.
I suspect that in an effort to cope when the going got tough I cultivated a mentality that didn't see beyond his inevitable death, I was completely focused on the day to day practicalities of the care regime and on trying to keep him as comfortable as possible whilst supporting my mother and I just didn't look beyond that.
Looking back I think I imagined that whilst we all dreaded my fathers demise, as any family would, somehow, once it was over my life could return to some semblance of normality, yes, we would grieve and we would feel the loss acutely but among that I assumed I would be freer to live my own life, to try to find a job and begin to rebuild myself some kind of acceptable way of life.
As it transpires that assumption was pretty naive or ill informed on my part for my mother, who very sadly seems not to have coped with the loss of my father as we had imagined, now takes at least as much caring for as my father did, albeit in a very different manner.
It would be unfair of me to go into details here, aside from myself my family are very private people and I have to respect that but since my fathers death, things for me have become even more challenging, as they have for my siblings, but it is me who is here 24/7 coping with the aftermath and me who's life once again is on hold.
That may all sound pretty harsh and selfish to an onlooker and perhaps it is but believe me, unless you have been where I am at right now, you have no idea.... or at least I didn't. We all hear about those that are carers by default for family members, we see the support groups advertised, we think we know but we really don't.
My life is completely taken over again, it is stressful and heartbreaking and frustrating.... but maybe it was better that I was blinkered when my dad was dying in seeing this coming, because I suspect if I hadn't been I couldn't have coped at all.
We are as a family attempting to improve the situation but as with so many of these things it's a long slow process with an as yet unknown outcome.
I feel like all I do is moan lately, grumble about 'my lot', I know I have been judged for it and I know people go through much greater difficulties in their lives but I am not a saint, very far from it, I am just another individual with my own weaknesses, my own foibles and my own dreams and if that makes me appear selfish or unable to cope very well at times then so be it but I defy anyone to live the last year of my life and not have a few moments struggling!
I am stuck for now in a mire I can't find a way out of, I have well meaning people assuming they know what's best and I have others making hurtful judgements of me which is less than helpful. I do have my low moments, I do lose my motivation at times and I'm sure I make mistakes but I am not superwoman and I don't need added pressures and upsets, I'm doing my best in the only way I know how, enough already!
Really, the option of packing a small rucksack, getting a cheap flight somewhere and just never coming back is sometimes becoming a very tempting prospect.
I suspect that in an effort to cope when the going got tough I cultivated a mentality that didn't see beyond his inevitable death, I was completely focused on the day to day practicalities of the care regime and on trying to keep him as comfortable as possible whilst supporting my mother and I just didn't look beyond that.
Looking back I think I imagined that whilst we all dreaded my fathers demise, as any family would, somehow, once it was over my life could return to some semblance of normality, yes, we would grieve and we would feel the loss acutely but among that I assumed I would be freer to live my own life, to try to find a job and begin to rebuild myself some kind of acceptable way of life.
As it transpires that assumption was pretty naive or ill informed on my part for my mother, who very sadly seems not to have coped with the loss of my father as we had imagined, now takes at least as much caring for as my father did, albeit in a very different manner.
It would be unfair of me to go into details here, aside from myself my family are very private people and I have to respect that but since my fathers death, things for me have become even more challenging, as they have for my siblings, but it is me who is here 24/7 coping with the aftermath and me who's life once again is on hold.
That may all sound pretty harsh and selfish to an onlooker and perhaps it is but believe me, unless you have been where I am at right now, you have no idea.... or at least I didn't. We all hear about those that are carers by default for family members, we see the support groups advertised, we think we know but we really don't.
My life is completely taken over again, it is stressful and heartbreaking and frustrating.... but maybe it was better that I was blinkered when my dad was dying in seeing this coming, because I suspect if I hadn't been I couldn't have coped at all.
We are as a family attempting to improve the situation but as with so many of these things it's a long slow process with an as yet unknown outcome.
I feel like all I do is moan lately, grumble about 'my lot', I know I have been judged for it and I know people go through much greater difficulties in their lives but I am not a saint, very far from it, I am just another individual with my own weaknesses, my own foibles and my own dreams and if that makes me appear selfish or unable to cope very well at times then so be it but I defy anyone to live the last year of my life and not have a few moments struggling!
I am stuck for now in a mire I can't find a way out of, I have well meaning people assuming they know what's best and I have others making hurtful judgements of me which is less than helpful. I do have my low moments, I do lose my motivation at times and I'm sure I make mistakes but I am not superwoman and I don't need added pressures and upsets, I'm doing my best in the only way I know how, enough already!
Really, the option of packing a small rucksack, getting a cheap flight somewhere and just never coming back is sometimes becoming a very tempting prospect.
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
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