One year on!

It's been a year, to the day, since 'you know who' so perfunctorily dispatched me from his life and his home with barely a backwards glance.

And what a year it's been!

In that time I have had just two communications from him, both just email, the first to say he wasn't about to change his decision, the second when my father died to say he was 'sorry'. That was it, no further explanation, no nothing.

At the time I thought my heart would break, I had never felt anything so intensely painful before in my life, I was completely lost and with absolutely no real idea of how to move forward.

Subsequent to that, those who read here regularly will know that things didn't get a whole lot better, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and required nursing to his death just before Christmas, exactly a week before that a very good friend who had supported me throughout, also lost his battle with cancer and now my mother is needing pretty extensive help getting over her loss. I still don't have a job or a home of my own and I still have something of a mountain to climb to get my life back. But you know what? With the benefit of hindsight I can honestly say I would rather be where I'm at now than where I was a year ago.

I have learned a great deal in that year, yes, it had been almost unbearable at times and yes there has been many an occasion I would have cheerfully just curled up under a stone somewhere and died but for all that, I am me, I no longer have to pretend to be someone I'm not, I have my integrity and my self respect in tact and I'm proud of myself for 'making it' this far. I might be a little damaged and battered around the emotional edges, I might be a slightly different person to the blindly trusting one I was a year ago but I know now that without doubt, even if I had the opportunity to turn the clock back, I wouldn't.

I would rather be where I am today, with all it's difficulties, than be with someone who patently couldn't step up to the emotional plate.

His loss!