Get the f*ck off my case!

Maybe I'll feel better once I've posted here, be warned, this is going to be a rant of what I would like to be epic proportions but for the sake of decorum and not sounding too sorry for myself, I will attempt to keep to a minimum!!

In actual fact I don't think I do feel sorry for myself, I feel more miffed than anything else and I think I am justified in that because it seems that whilst others are allowed their sensitivities and bad moments I am not, I have to plod on, keep smiling and pretend I don't begin to feel taken for granted here and there!

I really do not need to be reminded quite what a pigs ear I have made of my life, or of how dire my current situation is, I know guys, ok, I got it, I'm there, I understand, jeez, I might be stupid but not that damn stupid.... and just so you know, to keep reminding me is just not productive, in fact it's quite the bloody reverse because all it succeeds in doing is making me more miserable about the whole f*cking situation and consequently more overwhelmed with it all and less motivated.

I need positive input, I spent half a lifetime learning that and now all I seem to hear is re-iterated negatives time and time again....thanks but no thanks! I have no job, I have no home of my own, I have no partner, no money, real jobs are as rare as hens teeth, I am a discharged bankrupt, my car is dying a death, I just lost my dad and I'm trying to support my mum....yeah, I kinda know where I'm at in life, I say again, I understand, but I prefer to try and see the good bits, even if it is only a lovely moon, a bird on the feeder or to keep telling myself I will find a job even if it takes time!

One things for sure, negative input is in much more danger of making me not cope than it is of magically changing my life and although some beg to differ, believe me, I do know the power of negativity, ...and it's not a good place to go. I know my strengths and I know my limitations and whilst I may not be Ms. Perfect by a long chalk, I do the best I can with the person I am and that's all I can do. I am not super human, I think I have coped reasonably well thus far with the circumstances I have had to deal with over the last year or two but I do have weaknesses and sensitivities like everyone and I don't need them pointing out to me with regular monotony!! Really, I don't!!

Tomorrow is another day.....

How to stop speeding!

It would appear that in my local authority area we have a new method of controlling speeding traffic of late.No longer do we require speed cameras, sneaky policemen wielding Gatso guns from behind a gate, sleeping policemen, warning signs flashing wildly at us should be exceed the prescribed limit by a fraction or even the fear of three points on our licence and a fine!

Nope, there is a much simpler and cheaper way to stop our speeding antics....just let it snow and then freeze for a few days allowing our badly built roads to produce potholes the size and depth of the average well and then wait in anticipation for the local authority to fix them...and wait.....and wait....and wait and damn well wait some more!

I don't know what it's like where you live, but here in this little town which already has something of a negative reputation for it's road surfaces, it is currently something more akin to off-roading than urban driving when trying to negotiate the main through routes. In an effort not to completely annihilate one's suspension and acquire wheels of various peculiar shapes a slalom course, which changes daily if not hourly, has to be followed, and it's a course which becomes more dangerous and aggravating by the day.

Speeding is a thing of the past, there is absolutely no danger of that, trying to make it above second gear is an impossibility and traffic flow is completely disrupted by stopping traffic having to wait for oncoming vehicles forced onto the wrong side of the carriageway while attempting to negotiate the numerous potholes that could, and have, caused serious vehicular damage already.

I know it all costs money but really, it's ridiculous, there are not one or two, there are one or five every few feet and these babies are big, some of them really big and more than a foot deep on occasion....and they are still there, all of them, weeks after the event and already, despite my best efforts at avoidance, my geriatric car is developing all manner of new 'issues' in the suspension and bearing departments....and I imagine that if I attempted to gain recompense from the local authority it would be a long drawn out red tape nightmare?

Come on guys, not good enough....sort it out! Or at least show willing and make some effort!

Like anything I say will make a difference!

Miffed? Me?

I've been very bad!

It seems that a lifetime's commitment to a principle and lifestyle I had adhered to for most of my life is beginning to suffer some degree of corruption!

Since I was knee high to a grasshopper I have been vegetarian, not extremely so in that I would eat animal fats and other derivatives.... but dead animals, no way. Just wasn't going to go there. I don't have a problem with others eating meat just so long as the animals life has been humane and it's death the same. I'm not a fool, I just know that my views are mine and not those held by the majority and to try and impose them on others by way of nagging or 'whittling on' would be pointless and inappropriate.

However, after almost forty years, circumstances have gradually evolved which have made it harder and harder to adhere too, health issues, practicality for my mother, who insists on always cooking for me, and one or two other things mean that over the last few months I have been 'testing' the occasional piece of what was once fur covered and walking on four legs.

It's been kind of difficult, I have to make quite an effort divert my mind and if I lived on my own I wouldn't entertain it but last night, having dinner at my brothers, there seemed to be something of a worrying development. I almost enjoyed some of this....


I shall blame my brothers corrupting influence! This is not good!...but actually it was, dammit! I need to get a grip again!

Up -'date'

Well....date number two was bought forward to last night and tomorrow has now become number three.

I'm a grown up (well, I think I am supposed to be, though that hasn't always been my forte), I am doing this thing one day at a time, the communication level is unusually and refreshingly good and straightforward and for the right here and right now, life suddenly got a whole lot more bearable! :o)

Tomorrow of course is another day but if I have learned nothing else this last year I have learned that what will be, will be, and whatever it is, life is too short to play games and not to take risks, calculated though they may be!

Date number two....

....is scheduled for Sunday evening!

I can't wait, it's sad I know of a woman of my years but I feel like a bloody teenager, all excited and silly and with way too many butterflies dithering around in my tummy at high velocity!

Ok, ok, I know, it's early days and anything could, and probably will happen but recent events have begun to teach even me, she who previously liked guarantees in life, to live for the day and not to look too far forward.

So that's what I'm doing, if Sunday is the last date then so be it, if it's not then so be that, but whatever, feeling happy today is far more preferable than not feeling happy today! :)

The date...

...went particularly well, there were no gladioli (not very private joke, see comments), we never stopped talking and I haven't laughed quite so much in some time!

Add to that, this guy is one of an apparently dying breed in that he is, I think, one of the few not to have made an attempt to 'jump me' on date number one. I'm impressed.

That's all for now guys....very early days but there will be a second date.

Not to be off put...

... by the last debacle, I have another date tomorrow evening!

This one looks a lot more promising, three hours straight on the phone the last two evenings must be a good sign.... and it can only be better than the last one and it's necessary emergency escape!

I know, I know, famous last words!

What is it that they (whoever 'they' are) say, no pain no gain? ;)

Spotty!

I returned to my car in the local car park yesterday to find this parked next to me. It belongs to an acquaintance of mine with a very definite sense of humour.....


The beginning of it's index is SP07 ### (for obvious reasons of privacy I won't add the three remaining characters but they make it even better) just to make the whole thing even more amusing.

Love it! Want it!

On dating and escaping!

Though it seems it isn't something many will readily admit, similarly as guys seem not to easily admit if they have availed themselves of the services of a working girl at some time in their lives, I, being me, have little issue is admitting I have joined a dating site. Well three to be more specific...and if nothing else it is turning into something of an 'experience'.

My theory is simple, I don't get to meet too many people in the 'real' world right now because of my situation and as I spent a fair proportion of my time online, it seemed to be an obvious route to investigate.

The first thing that is very apparent however is that hearts and flowers it is not and as with most things in life, you get what you pay for, very much so...but regardless of taking all steps at minising time wasters, it is still a jungle out there and not for the faint of heart or the less internet savvy. One has to be able to sort the wheat from the chaff with some degree of speed and alacrity...and believe me there is plenty of chaff to be sorted. A more honest way of putting it I suspect would be to just say there are a scary number of serious weirdos out there and narrow minded-ness in dealing with them is not an option!

Add to that one has to be able to accept it all for what it is and be resilient to rejection, not expect a great deal and know that in many cases the image of an individual is at least ten years old and the description wouldn't stand up in court.

All that said, you just never know and once in a while someone surprising pops up. Don't get excited here, there is no stunning announcement about to come from these quarters but as in most things, there are possibilities and I've never been one to at least not dip a toe into new things. Life is too short not to be pro-active.

The down-side is that my first real date, thankfully in the event, only a coffee in a public venue during daylight hours, was so completely dire as to require me to make a very hasty escape. Plan 'A' swung into action and having hidden in the bathroom to text my brother that he was required to call me with a sudden 'emergency', I made my apologies and legged it! Terribly obvious I know, probably almost classic sit-com but hey, I was at least polite and smiled as I cringed through an hour an a half of strained conversation!

I will admit it is quite fun from time to time and on the positive side it can be flattering, but thus far, in the main I would have to say it is straining my lifelong efforts not to generalise and pigeon hole the male of the species in a negative manner.

I will persist for a little while longer though because you just never know....

*And yes, before anyone asks, I do and will always meet in a safe place (should I risk the prospect of another escape debacle again at all), I always let someone who is capable of effecting my escape know where I am and when and with whom.

The demise of 'bus puss'

Rememeber bus puss, Casper the cat who was a regular commuter on the local bus route?

Sad news, he was killed, run over by a car, earlier this week!

Story HERE.

Oh no! :o(

Home alone!

The last months have been pretty tough going one way and another and somehow in my tunnel visioned way I had never really looked beyond getting the funeral over with...and when I had looked slightly beyond that I think I imagined that life would become simpler and I would get my life back.

Wrong!

I suspect I was a little over optimistic on that front or perhaps I just didn't look beyond to this point, in an effort to cope with the 'here and now' at the time. Suddenly however, life isn't what I had anticipated and instead I am faced with what seems to be the almost impossible task of finding a job and of taking care of my mother, who whilst she is coping in many ways, is requiring more taking care of than I had anticipated, my naively looked forward to freedom is once again somewhat curtailed some for the immediate future.

However, this week, in an effort to give 'the mother' a change of scenery and myself a break, my sister has kidnapped and spirited her away to the midlands for a week and I have the whole house and 24/7 all to myself and I'm loving it, absolutely no responsibilities for six whole days, do what I want, when I want, how I want and with no-one but me to consider!!! I had forgotten what this feels like and it's fab!

I love my mother dearly of course but I have done my share and a few days off is being much relished. In actual fact, aside from trawl the employment websites and go for walks via coffee shops I haven't actually done a great deal but it's the knowing I have the freedom to do what I want without worrying that feels so good! The being able to eat when I want, sleep and wake, go in and out when I want, all the little things that usually I have to think about and plan to some degree, that I am enjoying so much!

Now, back to the job thing.....

Seems amusingly appropriate!

I like her style! Heh.

Why does no one tell you ....

....when you look like a complete idiot?

I have a habit, in an effort to prevent myself from losing them, of putting my gloves in the hood of my jacket when it's hanging on the coat hook. Nothing wrong with that I hear you say, good plan.

Not so good when one forgets and parades for hours around town with them still in there, hanging over the back, looking particularly stupid like a small person trying to escape and in danger of becoming completely lost. Entirely the scenario the idea was designed to avoid!

Luckily they didn't, I just looked like a fool no doubt...and don't anyone dare say 'nothing new there then'! DOH!

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There's always something to make you smile....