Persistent!

Well, this is a problem I never envisaged I would have!! A man who's persistent and unwanted attentions I just don't seem to be able to stop. He is driving me absolutely nuts now and nothing I have tried has put paid to his endeavours!

Really, I have tried everything.....polite, firm, to the point, rude, out and out rude, ignoring, rationalising, unpleasant, bitchy, in your face 'go away' but nothing is getting through and this has been going on intermittently for 10 or so years, though recently since I became single it has got a whole lot worse. He's an ex from my youth, I went out with him a couple of times months ago, it wasn't happening and somehow I can't convince him of that.

It is beyond a joke now, I have been determined not to change my number but I'm beginning to consider it, or worse, the man has the hide of a rhinoceros and nothing gets through. It must be nice to have that level of self confidence I suppose, such a belief that no one could possibly live without him!

Whatever, enough is enough, suggestions on a postcard please....or for ease perhaps in comments!

Why is it the guys I do want don't seem to want me this badly? The law of sod prevails as ever!

Organised!

Well finally, after what has been a manic two weeks both emotionally and logistically, I think we have everything arranged. Hurrah!

I really began to think we wouldn't get it all done, despite having such a long wait until the funeral, but unless my usually obsessive organisational skills have failed me badly (and believe me that's distinctly possible at the moment) we are all done and dusted and ready for my fathers funeral next Tuesday.

Really I think we just want it over with now, the wait has been too long and just as we begin to feel a tiny vestige of normality for a few minute, now and then, we will be flung headlong back into the harsh reality of our loss.

It will be very good of course to pay him our respects, to say our final good-bye's, to publicly celebrate his life and the very special man he was and to begin to get some real closure but at the moment I think mostly we are just dreading it.

Hey ho, tis all set now, we just have a few more days wait....

Three wishes for Christmas

I thieved this from The Pink Jellybaby....it seems somewhat more cheerful than my recent offerings, a chance to daydream.

I don't think I'll be doing Christmas in any significant way this year, me and mine just can't really get into it this time around, but the thought of having three wishes granted about now is pretty appealing.

Ok, so as ever with these things do I go for the bigger picture or do I go for the selfish 'me' wishes option? I think I fancy the latter if I'm honest on this occasion so here goes, my three wishes for Christmas are:

1. My knight in shining armour to finally appear complete with white horse. Hell, dammit, sod the white horse and the armour, if he loves the real me and I love him the rest is academic!

2. A kitten, any kitten, I'm not fussy. I'll have the runt of the litter, it can have three legs and a bent ear, really I don't care, just a kitten! Perhaps though a home to keep it in first might be a plan.

3. Something nice to happen, one of those things, not necessarily a big thing, just something small that makes me feel deep down happy for a few minutes, I'm fed up now with the sad crap.

If anyone out there feels kind enough to grant one of the above please feel free. :o)

The song in my head....

Two and a half weeks.....

....is beginning to feel like a hell of a long time to wait for a funeral! Actually it is a hell of a long time to wait for a funeral and it's courtesy of 'technical issues' at the local crematorium.

Wouldn't you know it!

If something can present a difficulty recently it will do it seems and this is just another in what is beginning to feel like a long line!

On the up-side - yes apparently there always is one - it means that we have had plenty of time to get through the seemingly unending list of things there are to organise beforehand. Dying is a complicated issue in these days of red tape and prior to this experience I wouldn't have believed quite how many things there are to attend too.

Both emotionally and practically this is turning into a very steep learning curve, it's all part of life's rich pattern so they tell me (who the hell are 'they'?)but it's a part I think I could have well got through life without experiencing.... and certainly we could have done without quite so much red tape or quite such a long wait!

So the wait continues until next Tuesday when we can at last all say our final goodbye's, remember my dad, celebrate his life and the man he was and try to move on to the next stage, whatever that stage involves.

At the end of the day

So, a week has passed now since my dad died and it's all been pretty surreal and traumatic, in fact it's been utter madness in many ways with such a myriad of emotions to balance with the unending number of tasks and appointments that seemingly have to be dealt with in the event of a death.

No-one tells you quite how much red tape there is to be negotiated after the event, or just how many times you are going to have to keep reiterating the details of something that is difficult to tell just once, let alone time and time again and certainly nothing prepares you for the feeling of helplessness there is involved in literally watching someone you love die in front of you.

It's a tough call but one that most of us have, or will have to go through at some stage in our lives and it's a very steep learning curve which somehow leaves little time at this point to really grieve.

I have learned to be strong over the last year, probably more so than I would have liked but still, one of the hardest parts for me is the not having someone, who at the end of the day, when I'm completely frazzled, will just hold onto me and make me believe it will all be ok, someone to curl up in bed with and feel close too and to escape all this emotional madness with for a few minutes.

The single life really doesn't 'do it' for me and never has that been more apparent than now.

Autumn rain

(Clickable)

From the bottom of my heart, thankyou!

Ok, so right now I'm not too sure exactly where the bottom of my heart actually is, in fact I'm not entirely sure where my heart is at all these days but whatever and wherever it is, I want to say the biggest thankyou from the very bottom of it to all of you who have send messages of support and condolence via here, Facebook, twitter, email and snail mail over the last few very tough days.

Your thoughts and wishes have made an immense difference to me, just knowing so many people care has helped enormously and made this whole nasty time a little easier.
Special thanks must go to Lisa, who despite a very hectic spell in her own life, as always was there for me, Daffy for her stoic ability to listen to me and come up with a positive response, 'JW' and 'JG' for always being there and 'G', who knows why.

Lastly but by absolutely no means least, a very, very big and heartfelt thanks to 'RB' who has been an absolute star, who has provided 24/7 support and help way beyond the call of duty, who has listened to me unendingly, managed to make me laugh however bad it all got and 'been there' in so many ways regardless of any inconvenience to himself.

Thank you all guys, I mean really, really thank you, you don't know quite how much I appreciate you all.

"There it is"

The words in the title of this post were those left by a friend on my Facebook page in response to the news that my father had died.

Just three little words but somehow they completely summed up how I felt and still feel about what has happened over the last few months.

"There it is"....simple, there was nothing more anyone could do.

The situation was almost intolerable for all concerned, not least of all for my dad and when it was over, as he died with my mum and I holding his hands and my siblings talking gently to him there was nothing really left to say. The culmination of almost two years of fighting was over. It was done. We had done all we could, he had done all he could, the cancer boffins had scratched their heads and done all they could and as I sat there not quite knowing what to do next, had I had the words I think "There it is" would probably have described best how I felt at that moment.

There was no fear, no desperation, no hysterics, it was peaceful, it was a gentle letting go and there were no words, just a strange sense of acceptance and of numbness, a feeling of "there it is", after all the pain and fear and fighting it was over......

Who says dreams don't come true!

On a much happier note, after over a year of the trials and tribulations of a transatlantic love affair and the red tape of U.S. immigration (story here and here) and Lisa and Ian finally got married on Sunday in Nebraska!!!

♥ Congratulations you two ♥

You deserve every moment of the future happiness I know you will have and you give me faith that dreams really can come true.

I only wish I could have been there with them but circumstances were against me.

It's over....

....my dad (TP) died peacefully in the early hours of yesterday morning with my mum, my brother, my sister and myself all by his side. He retained his stoicism and sense of humour until the end.

"Wherever you are dad, let the jazz be cool and the red wine be a damn good one."

Right now....

....it feels as if life couldn't get much tougher.

Most of my time is spent at the hospice now just watching and waiting for the inevitable to happen.... and with my heart in my mouth every time TP's breathing pattern changes or one of a multitude of other indicators change.

I haven't had time to grieve properly yet for my friend who died on Saturday and I have had some personal issues going on in the background along the way, though thankfully, those at least seem to be resolving.

My head is so full of thoughts and my heart with a feelings but I can't think straight most of the time and just seem to function in a surreal state of auto-pilot fuelled by so much coffee I'm awash with the stuff.

I keep telling myself there is always someone worse off but that seems pretty sad in itself, I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone, let alone something worse!

This is a real tough call.

My apologies for keep posting doom and gloom but being able to post it here is probably, along with the support of my friends, the only thing that's keeping me sane (ish) right now.

F*ck cancer!

Whichever little grey haired old lady (ok, I shouldn't stereotype but hey..) sat patiently stitching this, I am amused and so with her!

Bus puss!

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