So, a week has passed now since my dad died and it's all been pretty surreal and traumatic, in fact it's been utter madness in many ways with such a myriad of emotions to balance with the unending number of tasks and appointments that seemingly have to be dealt with in the event of a death.
No-one tells you quite how much red tape there is to be negotiated after the event, or just how many times you are going to have to keep reiterating the details of something that is difficult to tell just once, let alone time and time again and certainly nothing prepares you for the feeling of helplessness there is involved in literally watching someone you love die in front of you.
It's a tough call but one that most of us have, or will have to go through at some stage in our lives and it's a very steep learning curve which somehow leaves little time at this point to really grieve.
I have learned to be strong over the last year, probably more so than I would have liked but still, one of the hardest parts for me is the not having someone, who at the end of the day, when I'm completely frazzled, will just hold onto me and make me believe it will all be ok, someone to curl up in bed with and feel close too and to escape all this emotional madness with for a few minutes.
The single life really doesn't 'do it' for me and never has that been more apparent than now.
Saturday, 5 December 2009
Friday, 4 December 2009
Thursday, 3 December 2009
From the bottom of my heart, thankyou!
Ok, so right now I'm not too sure exactly where the bottom of my heart actually is, in fact I'm not entirely sure where my heart is at all these days but whatever and wherever it is, I want to say the biggest thankyou from the very bottom of it to all of you who have send messages of support and condolence via here, Facebook, twitter, email and snail mail over the last few very tough days.
Your thoughts and wishes have made an immense difference to me, just knowing so many people care has helped enormously and made this whole nasty time a little easier.
Special thanks must go to Lisa, who despite a very hectic spell in her own life, as always was there for me, Daffy for her stoic ability to listen to me and come up with a positive response, 'JW' and 'JG' for always being there and 'G', who knows why.
Lastly but by absolutely no means least, a very, very big and heartfelt thanks to 'RB' who has been an absolute star, who has provided 24/7 support and help way beyond the call of duty, who has listened to me unendingly, managed to make me laugh however bad it all got and 'been there' in so many ways regardless of any inconvenience to himself.
Thank you all guys, I mean really, really thank you, you don't know quite how much I appreciate you all.
Your thoughts and wishes have made an immense difference to me, just knowing so many people care has helped enormously and made this whole nasty time a little easier.
Special thanks must go to Lisa, who despite a very hectic spell in her own life, as always was there for me, Daffy for her stoic ability to listen to me and come up with a positive response, 'JW' and 'JG' for always being there and 'G', who knows why.Lastly but by absolutely no means least, a very, very big and heartfelt thanks to 'RB' who has been an absolute star, who has provided 24/7 support and help way beyond the call of duty, who has listened to me unendingly, managed to make me laugh however bad it all got and 'been there' in so many ways regardless of any inconvenience to himself.
Thank you all guys, I mean really, really thank you, you don't know quite how much I appreciate you all.
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
"There it is"
The words in the title of this post were those left by a friend on my Facebook page in response to the news that my father had died.
Just three little words but somehow they completely summed up how I felt and still feel about what has happened over the last few months.
"There it is"....simple, there was nothing more anyone could do.
The situation was almost intolerable for all concerned, not least of all for my dad and when it was over, as he died with my mum and I holding his hands and my siblings talking gently to him there was nothing really left to say. The culmination of almost two years of fighting was over. It was done. We had done all we could, he had done all he could, the cancer boffins had scratched their heads and done all they could and as I sat there not quite knowing what to do next, had I had the words I think "There it is" would probably have described best how I felt at that moment.
There was no fear, no desperation, no hysterics, it was peaceful, it was a gentle letting go and there were no words, just a strange sense of acceptance and of numbness, a feeling of "there it is", after all the pain and fear and fighting it was over......
Just three little words but somehow they completely summed up how I felt and still feel about what has happened over the last few months.
"There it is"....simple, there was nothing more anyone could do.
The situation was almost intolerable for all concerned, not least of all for my dad and when it was over, as he died with my mum and I holding his hands and my siblings talking gently to him there was nothing really left to say. The culmination of almost two years of fighting was over. It was done. We had done all we could, he had done all he could, the cancer boffins had scratched their heads and done all they could and as I sat there not quite knowing what to do next, had I had the words I think "There it is" would probably have described best how I felt at that moment.
There was no fear, no desperation, no hysterics, it was peaceful, it was a gentle letting go and there were no words, just a strange sense of acceptance and of numbness, a feeling of "there it is", after all the pain and fear and fighting it was over......
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Who says dreams don't come true!
On a much happier note, after over a year of the trials and tribulations of a transatlantic love affair and the red tape of U.S. immigration (story here and here) and Lisa and Ian finally got married on Sunday in Nebraska!!!
♥ Congratulations you two ♥
You deserve every moment of the future happiness I know you will have and you give me faith that dreams really can come true.
I only wish I could have been there with them but circumstances were against me.
♥ Congratulations you two ♥
You deserve every moment of the future happiness I know you will have and you give me faith that dreams really can come true.
I only wish I could have been there with them but circumstances were against me.
Sunday, 29 November 2009
It's over....
....my dad (TP) died peacefully in the early hours of yesterday morning with my mum, my brother, my sister and myself all by his side. He retained his stoicism and sense of humour until the end.
"Wherever you are dad, let the jazz be cool and the red wine be a damn good one."
"Wherever you are dad, let the jazz be cool and the red wine be a damn good one."
Thursday, 26 November 2009
Right now....
....it feels as if life couldn't get much tougher.
Most of my time is spent at the hospice now just watching and waiting for the inevitable to happen.... and with my heart in my mouth every time TP's breathing pattern changes or one of a multitude of other indicators change.
I haven't had time to grieve properly yet for my friend who died on Saturday and I have had some personal issues going on in the background along the way, though thankfully, those at least seem to be resolving.
My head is so full of thoughts and my heart with a feelings but I can't think straight most of the time and just seem to function in a surreal state of auto-pilot fuelled by so much coffee I'm awash with the stuff.
I keep telling myself there is always someone worse off but that seems pretty sad in itself, I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone, let alone something worse!
This is a real tough call.
My apologies for keep posting doom and gloom but being able to post it here is probably, along with the support of my friends, the only thing that's keeping me sane (ish) right now.
Most of my time is spent at the hospice now just watching and waiting for the inevitable to happen.... and with my heart in my mouth every time TP's breathing pattern changes or one of a multitude of other indicators change.
I haven't had time to grieve properly yet for my friend who died on Saturday and I have had some personal issues going on in the background along the way, though thankfully, those at least seem to be resolving.
My head is so full of thoughts and my heart with a feelings but I can't think straight most of the time and just seem to function in a surreal state of auto-pilot fuelled by so much coffee I'm awash with the stuff.
I keep telling myself there is always someone worse off but that seems pretty sad in itself, I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone, let alone something worse!
This is a real tough call.
My apologies for keep posting doom and gloom but being able to post it here is probably, along with the support of my friends, the only thing that's keeping me sane (ish) right now.
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
F*ck cancer!
Whichever little grey haired old lady (ok, I shouldn't stereotype but hey..) sat patiently stitching this, I am amused and so with her!
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
Monday, 23 November 2009
I am....
....sick of feeling sad, I am sick of worrying, I am sick of trying to be strong, in fact I am sick of most of this year and I am sure you lot are equally sick of hearing me moan about it!
Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your perspective, this little patch of the interweb is my 'therapy', this blog is the one place I feel I can rant and be selfish for a few minutes when the going gets tough...and it has been a bloody tough year, probably my toughest one way and another to date (save for maybe one a long time ago) and it's only going to get tougher in the near future.
I am however still standing, despite sometimes feeling it's all getting too much, and I have every intention of remaining standing.... but please, a better year next year would be good. One with some happy bits.
Anyone know where I can order one?
In the meantime, bear with me please, I can't promise too much in the way of cheery stuff here quite yet.
Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your perspective, this little patch of the interweb is my 'therapy', this blog is the one place I feel I can rant and be selfish for a few minutes when the going gets tough...and it has been a bloody tough year, probably my toughest one way and another to date (save for maybe one a long time ago) and it's only going to get tougher in the near future.
I am however still standing, despite sometimes feeling it's all getting too much, and I have every intention of remaining standing.... but please, a better year next year would be good. One with some happy bits.
Anyone know where I can order one?
In the meantime, bear with me please, I can't promise too much in the way of cheery stuff here quite yet.
Sunday, 22 November 2009
A very sad day
Yesterday afternoon the world lost a very special and courageous man and I lost a great friend.
Andy of Grumpy Old Git (@mac_kix_windoze) died peacefully at home with his family around him.
Another life claimed far too soon by cancer. Andy was only 43 and is survived by his wife and four children.
He fought a brave and very difficult battle with dignity, great bravery and humility despite his own fears and frustrations.
Rest now in peace my friend, no more pain, frustration or anger, you will never be forgotten....
Andy of Grumpy Old Git (@mac_kix_windoze) died peacefully at home with his family around him.
Another life claimed far too soon by cancer. Andy was only 43 and is survived by his wife and four children.
He fought a brave and very difficult battle with dignity, great bravery and humility despite his own fears and frustrations.
Rest now in peace my friend, no more pain, frustration or anger, you will never be forgotten....
Friday, 20 November 2009
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Life in three acts
Things are pretty surreal right now.
I feel I am living three almost entirely different and separate lives, each of which promotes wildly differing emotional responses which at times become confusing, raises questions within me about my own psyche and requires an emotional dexterity I have not before been required to find in myself.
Firstly there is the life, and necessarily the major aspect of my life right now, that revolves around TP and his worsening condition. He was admitted to the local hospice as a matter of urgency at the weekend and his situation is currently very tenuous. From a practical point of view most of my time is now spent there with him, on an emotional level the implications and responses are obvious.
Secondly there is the part of my life which requires me to support both emotionally and practically my mother, in many ways that is harder and more emotionally draining than dealing with the reality of my fathers situation, she is facing something which anyone who has just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary would naturally dread.
But thirdly there is my personal life, or what vestige of one I can manage right now. Again it is a juggling act requiring some dexterity but as harsh as it might sound I have persisted in making a little 'me' time, without it I would, I suspect have gone nuts by now. Recently this part of my life has been looking up and I have re-discovered something I learned to do many years ago, that I have what feels like an odd ability to almost completely close my mind off from each part of my life and either deal with, or enjoy each, as an entirely separate entity for as long as I am in that situation.
This is a good thing.
To an outsider I imagine at times it appears I am uncaring, in fact I am quite the reverse but the fact that I can manage my life for now, in three such separate 'compartments' I think is what keeps me sane. The good moments rest my mind and 're-charge' me for dealing better with the tough bits, they keep me aware that not everything is doom and gloom and keep my spirits up... but they are also confusing.
To go, in say a half hour, from feeling desperately sad to cheerful and lighthearted is an odd experience, to be able to almost entirely block out the crap for a few hours makes me feel a little guilty, though rationally I know I shouldn't. To feel happy occasionally among all that is currently going on, seems wrong perhaps and though I understand the psychology and I am mostly comfortable with it, it's still pretty confusing at times.
To be living my life for now, in three such entirely different 'acts', is strange, emotionally complicated more than a little surreal.
I feel I am living three almost entirely different and separate lives, each of which promotes wildly differing emotional responses which at times become confusing, raises questions within me about my own psyche and requires an emotional dexterity I have not before been required to find in myself.
Firstly there is the life, and necessarily the major aspect of my life right now, that revolves around TP and his worsening condition. He was admitted to the local hospice as a matter of urgency at the weekend and his situation is currently very tenuous. From a practical point of view most of my time is now spent there with him, on an emotional level the implications and responses are obvious.
Secondly there is the part of my life which requires me to support both emotionally and practically my mother, in many ways that is harder and more emotionally draining than dealing with the reality of my fathers situation, she is facing something which anyone who has just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary would naturally dread.
But thirdly there is my personal life, or what vestige of one I can manage right now. Again it is a juggling act requiring some dexterity but as harsh as it might sound I have persisted in making a little 'me' time, without it I would, I suspect have gone nuts by now. Recently this part of my life has been looking up and I have re-discovered something I learned to do many years ago, that I have what feels like an odd ability to almost completely close my mind off from each part of my life and either deal with, or enjoy each, as an entirely separate entity for as long as I am in that situation.
This is a good thing.
To an outsider I imagine at times it appears I am uncaring, in fact I am quite the reverse but the fact that I can manage my life for now, in three such separate 'compartments' I think is what keeps me sane. The good moments rest my mind and 're-charge' me for dealing better with the tough bits, they keep me aware that not everything is doom and gloom and keep my spirits up... but they are also confusing.
To go, in say a half hour, from feeling desperately sad to cheerful and lighthearted is an odd experience, to be able to almost entirely block out the crap for a few hours makes me feel a little guilty, though rationally I know I shouldn't. To feel happy occasionally among all that is currently going on, seems wrong perhaps and though I understand the psychology and I am mostly comfortable with it, it's still pretty confusing at times.
To be living my life for now, in three such entirely different 'acts', is strange, emotionally complicated more than a little surreal.
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