The madness of me?

Since Tilly departed my day to day life I have been makling an effort to avoid anything 'cat', anything at all that reminded me of her little furry-ness made me so sad and miserable that avoidance seemed the best option.

Perhaps that seems an odd route to some, I can imagine that in missing something it is maybe, for some, better to maintain any kind of contact where possible but for me it was easier on my state of mind to take the route of complete avoidance....and that was difficult on a practical level as well as an emotional one. For twenty five years a large part of my life has been 'cat', I have cat 'stuff' everywhere, bits and pieces, books, etc. etc, the usual paraphernaila we all collect over time....well mine was all cat related and suddenly to find it a painful thing left me feeling in a strange way lost, almost like I didn't quite know who I was any longer and struggling in my diffucult moments to find any kind of comfort, for prior to now in my dark moments it had been my cats I focussed on to raise my mood.

This likely all seems somewhat extreme, or odd, or worse to some, and maybe it is but for me it's fact, perhaps it's the 'childless woman' syndrome (albeit to be childless was a concious decision on my part), perhaps it's my obsessive nature but whatever my madness, losing Tilly was very hard and remains very hard.

I am improving though and as proof my 'madness' is lessening a little I have found on my daily white van travels a little cat, a farm cat who is happy to roll over for me and have her tummmy tickled and has absolutely no objection to being plucked from the floor for a cuddle and to wrap herself around my neck purring! :o)

Hey, she's not Tilly, she's not mine and she's likely flea ridden if I cared to investigate... but she's a pretty little thing, she is proof that I am accepting the situation and she brightens my day on those days she cares to drag herself from other farm feline activities and show her face. :o)


(Phone camera...apologies)

Pink-ness!

Don't you just love new shoes, particularly marginally mad new shoes! ;o)

Oh how typical!

I don't have a very good record with Friday the 13th as long serving readers here will know, so it seems appropriately typical that today, yet another Friday the 13th, should be my birthday!

Kinda figures....bloody typical!

Eggs....

...there are eggs at last! :o)

Two apparently, though I haven't seen them myself but I have it on good authority that under that white-ness there are definately two. Her ladyship is certainly being somewhat less friendly than she has been recently, I was risking life, limb and some annoyed 'hisses' just trying to take this picture and she seems to be set there for the duration of the gestation period, no sign of movement further than her neck will stretch!



(Phone camera, crap quality, sorry)

A multi story!

Good grief...on a scale of one to ten for idiocy and lack of concentration I was up there at something around 1000 this afternoon!

I have been on a 'shoe quest', that is I need new shoes and my parents offered to buy me some for my birthday. This should not be a trauma but with size 2-3 feet and manufacturers beginning sizes at 4, buying new shoes is always somewhat of a tiresome carry on!

And so for weeks intermittently I have been trying to track down the one pair of size 3 shoes apparently left in the world, but time is running out, the birthday is soon so this week I have spent 7 whole damn hours on the shoe quest in shopping centers. I found one pair size 3....but that is not the point of this tale of stupidity!

Upon arrival at the local shopping centre this afternoon my phone rang, I answered it and became embroiled in the conversation. I think it pertinent at this point to suggest that blame may be laid at the feet (no pun intended) of the caller, for had he not called, my afternoon would have gone swimmingly...yes, definitely not my fault! ;o)

So.....embroiled in the call I left the car, locked it and headed for the shoe shops. It was an hour or two later I realised I had absolutely no recollection of where in the multi story car park I had left it......and furthermore my ticket for escape seemed to be missing....again no recollection of where it was! Gah!

In very slight panic mode I made my way back to the parking levels (still shoe-less) and began the hunt for my car......four floors I trawled and not a hint of it could I find. In slightly more severe panic mode at this point I decided best I go for a coffee and a cigarette and re-group my thoughts. I was not after all looking forward to subsequently having to pay a whole days rate (£25) for my also lost ticket!

Coffee and nicotine consumed I decided there was only one thing for it, wait for the shops to close, the car park to empty, and then take another look....my car should by then be almost alone and although I would have to walk a number of flights of stairs in my search, it should be easier to spot. In the meantime to kill the remaining time while I waited for the close of business I set about more shopping.

I decided to try on some items in a clothing store sometime later and in the usual hot and unpleasant scramble out of my clothes in the dressing room I took off the baseball cap I had been wearing to hide my rather less than perfect 'post work' coiffure. As I took off my hat what should I see but my parking ticket float down to the ground from my head....uh??....please don't ask how it got there, I have no idea whatsoever!

Things improved from that point on....I found some shoes that fitted (black and shocking pink....don't cringe) and my plan for the vanishing car was a success too. I had only to trail three flights of car park stairs before my little car stood out alone in front of me in the wide open space of the now almost empty parking bays!

Hurrahhhh!

Before I start....

.....I will apologise for what is about to come but this is my blog and right now I need somewhere to just shout/scream/vent call it whatever you will!

So here goes:

*&%$F*UCK*&%$F*CK*&%$*F*CK&*^%*


Maybe I'm just having a particularly bad day, maybe I've just had enough temporarliy, maybe I'm just being pathetic and feeling sorry for myself but whatever it is it's not a good day in gemmak's-ville today. Ok, so a proportion of my life recently has left a little to be desired but today sucks big time.<

I don't feel too well, my job drove me nuts today, I miss Tilly more than I ever imagined, I feel lonely and I'm thoroughly pissed off. I seem to take one step forward and two backward most of the time and just once in a while an easy day or something working out without me having to fight would be freakin amazing. Jesus, even a whole two days without tears would be a treat.

Yes I know I'm being selfish, there are plenty out there with problems and pain that would put my problems and upsets into very sharp perspective but today maybe I need to be selfish for a little while.....get it off my chest or something. My ability for some positivity seems to have deserted me temporarily and I'm utterly fed up.

Ok, rant over....I'll go crawl under a stone until I'm in better humour.

Tomorrow is another day......
yeah I know, probably it won't be much better but maybe my ability to cope with it will have improved.

I wonder.....

......will I ever get used to this latest Microsoft pigs ear offering so lovingly referred to as 'Vista'?!

Perseverance and a signifigant number of patches will probably sort it all out but for now....please can I have XP back?!

Really though...it would be nice to be able to connect to a secure connection without someone who knows his stuff (cheers Fletch) having to spend two weeks working out Microsoft's inadequacies! How long did it take them to 'perfect' Vista?? Hmmm.

....ok, ok, I'll keep trying, doubtless I said something similar about XP a few years back!

Real Motorbikes!

If you would like to see what real motorbikes are like and how they should be ridden to the extreme here's a Video on Fletch's Blog showing Motorbikes competing in the Paris Dakar Rallye (It makes the Superbikes look like child's play!)

Even if you don’t 'Do' motorbikes take a quick look, it made the hairs on my back stand on end.

Truly extreme.

(OK Fletch you ride like that I'll still ride Pillion! ;o) )

From my mail box

"Oestrogen issues" - 10 ways to know if you have oestrogen issues!

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate to your cheese omlette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every car sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 0800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..


.....and this that particularly amused me:


(for those that don't know my real name there is a clue in there somewhere!) ;o)

Tilly's new 'housemates'

'Eddie'


'Billy'

Tilly's new home

This is one of the hardest posts I've written but I don't think there is going to be a good time so perhaps getting it over with while I'm still in pieces will help somehow, or at least mean I don't have to go over it all again at a later date.

So.....Tilly's position here had, for various reasons' become untenable and there was no option left open to me other than to find her the best new home I could.

That home is in Loughborough, the lady in question is the colleage of a relative and is (and it sees justifiably so) referred to as the 'mad cat woman'.....and she is just thaT, this lady is as mad about her cats as I am.

'V' is a 'cat mum' some years younger than myself who considers her cats to be about the most important things in her life. She has two, 'Billy', a 6 month old tom and 'Eddie', a toroishell and white girl a little older....she now has three, Tilly being her new addition.

I have tried to think of the positives in this situation but mostly it seems hard, nay impossible, when I miss the little madam so much but there are positives. The very first time I spoke to 'V' (on MSN, neither of us could bear to talk in person at this stage) I knew she was the kind of human I wanted to look after Tilly if I couldn't. She knows cats, she loves them, her home is set up perfectly for them and they are a big part of her life. She treats them as I did mine, she doesn't allow them out all night, she doesn't allow them out when she isn't about to minister to them should they be involved in some sort of accident.....and she lets them sleep in her bed..........something Tilly would hate to be banned from.

And so that was it, a few conversations later I knew that given I couldn't put off the inevitable any longer, this was the individual I wanted to take care of Tilly. Both 'V' and I agreed it would be too upsetting for us both if I was to hand her over myself and so it was arranged that my parents would take her on Saturday morning. All that left was for me to deal with the real biggy....saying goodbye.

Friday afternoon I did just that, and whilst I'm sure there are those out there who don't understand, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. In the end it was in danger of becoming a protracted and drawn out thing, something not helpful to any of us, so when the moment I had dreaded for months, finally came I gave her one last big hug and legged it out of the house and to Fletch's for a day or two.

As luck wouldn't have it the M25 was a nightmare and when I least needed to be stuck in traffic with time to think I was sat like a crying lemon for 3 hours, trying to drive what should have been a 90 minute journey.

On the upside thus far all seems to have gone well. Tilly didn't utter a sound on her two hour drive Saturday morning and when she arrived to meet 'V' things went better than I could have hoped for under the circumstances and cats being very territorial, as cats are! Tilly immediately got herself out of her 'carrying contraption' and greeted 'V' (who adored her) happily and when, a little time later' she was introduced one by one to her two new 'housemates', there was no flying fur. Instead there was a tentative sniffing of noses, one small hiss (thank you Tilly) and then they all went off in their seperate directions. Half and hour later Tilly was to be found reposing on 'V's bed!

Right now I still feel horrible, I miss the little soul terribly, I can't seem to stop snivelling, everything reminds me of her and the house seems empty, I've had a cat for all of my adult life and it's going to take some time to adjust but it could be worse. she say's without much conviction

It won't be the same, I don't imagine I will stop missing her for a long time but I will get to see her again occasionally. 'V' is happy for me to visit, though until I and Tilly have both settled a little I won't. She needs to feel at home in her new place and I need to get used to not having her around first. And finally, and maybe this is the bit that's making it all bearable right now.... 'V' has said that should I become able to home Tilly myself again at some point she would hand her back. We have agreed however that should that happy situation arise we would see how we all feel, Tilly, 'V' and myself, if for instance Tilly was very happy and settled it might not be the best thing for her to move yet again......'V' will likely have become attached to her etc. etc. We'll see, I'm trying not to count on that happening and view this as permanent, but even the possibility that this isn't a forever situation is helping right now.

Please, someone tell me the hardest part is over...because it sure as hell don't feel like it.

My apologies for rambling and for any spelling and grammar errors but I don't have the inclination to re-read this right now to check.


*Be happy little Tilly puss, I'll always be your 'mum'.

Tilly has gone.......

.....to her new home.

:o(((((

I have dreaded this day more than almost anything, always promised myself that somehow I would not let it come to this but having left no stone unturned I ran out of options.

More when I can get my head together....

Building a nursery

No, don't panic, the title isn't some convoluted route to announcing that some maternal situation has befallen me!

One of the better aspects of driving a white van for a living is that my route is mainly centered around country lanes, not good I know when it rains or snows but now that the meteorological conditions have improved a little and the natural world has hit spring there are treats to be enjoyed.

One such lane is currently offering a plethora of baby rabbits to entertain me, up to ten rushing about playing together at any one time under the watchful gaze of their parent rabbits. Yesterday, having managed to park up in close proximity to one I very quietly exited the van, stealing a piece of lettuce from a sandwich on my way and managed to persuade one small rabbit to within a meter of me quite quickly....and there I was thinking that lettuce was only a rabbit delicacy in story books!

Today a new treat presented itself. Part of my route takes me alongside a canal. Between the tow path and the car park I use is a small strip of grass verge, on that verge a pair of swans have decided to set up a nursery!


'Mrs. swan' has already taken to her nest, though there is as yet no sign of an egg, and whilst she reposes in all her splendour atop a large pile of twigs nest, 'Mr. swan' is hurriedly and unendingly reinforcing it with more and more twigs, moss and other paraphernalia designed to make his lady more comfortable throughout her confinement. (Why do the males of our species not behave in such a manner I wonder?!)

Neither prospective parent seems too concerned at my standing within a few feet of them, though that may change one they have charge of eggs but I am hopeful that each weekday on my round I can get to see the rest of the story unfold, next some eggs and then in a few weeks time with a little luck some swanlets :o)


It's taken almost four months but at last there seems to be a positive to driving the infernal white van!

Assuming all goes well at the nursery I will try and keep you updated, though images may continue to be of the same poor quality as today's....finding an excuse to be carting my camera around everyday might be difficult....my phone however is allowed.

The Tilly 'situation'

Well in a nutshell nothing has changed thus far.....Tilly is still with me, as happy as ever, completely unaware of any impending changes to her little life.

I for my part am only too aware.

She is still headed for a new home, though the logistics and one or two other aspects, are currently causing delays. If all goes to plan her new home will be an excellent one but somehow, though maybe it should, that doesn't seem to make it any easier for me.


I have reached the stage where although I am still hoping for some kind of divine intervention or miracle, the constant emotional ups and downs of thinking she is going and then the plan suffers a setback is beginning to get to me in a big way, I would almost (please note I only say 'almost') wish if it's got to happen I could get it over with instead of keep having to deal with the less than happy anticipation of it.

But it seems, divine intervention is short here and I'm just going to have to tolerate the situation somehow for as long as it lasts.....on the upside of course every extra day I have her is a bonus now and to be made the most of.

Once it's all over I will maybe tell you a few of the details of her prospective new home but for now I'm doing my best not to think too much about it all....hence the now only occasional Tilly posts.

In the meantime I'm trying to enjoy every extra moment with her and posting some recent pictures of her while I still can! :o(


(Images clickable)