TGIF!!!!

Thank God (or whoever your particular 'God' happens to be) it's Friday!!

I don't ever want another week like this one, it has to rate in my top 5 worst ever and I am more than glad to see the back of it. This was the first week since I moved that I seriously began to question whether my sanity would hold out, but one way or another, and with some fantastic support, I managed to 'hold it together' though not always too elegantly and only because I have such a wonderful 'support team'...thank you again guys.

I still have my biggest worry to sort out and to come to terms with, (sorry but I can't bring myself to blog the details yet) though slowly I think I'm getting some small degree of a grip on that one too.... but for now it's Friday and I'm determined for the sake of my mental health and that of those around me to try and have two days of R&R and to put all the crap somewhere in the back of my mind until next week.

So that's it, the week is over and I'm outta here for a weekend of sex and drugs and rock and roll....ok, maybe not quite that wild ( hey...I don't do drugs), but if nothing else I'm gonna hit my tee total years on the head, get drunk and eat chocolate by the barrow load! ;o)

Bankrupt!

Today at 12.21 pm gemmak was declared officially bankrupt.

I was struck by the fact that the judge is required by law to record the time the bankruptcy order is made on the official documentation and to 'announce' it, it kinda reminded me of the manner in which a doctor is required to record the time of an individuals death, the irony was not lost.

The day went as well as could be expected. I plumped for the 'suited and booted' approach but minus the Prada (like I own any!) and off I set to face the music.

I have to say that the court officials were excellent, efficiency personified, they took me through the checks on the 35 page (yes I said 35, it wasn't a typo) petition I had already submitted in a flash, without hiccup and in a relaxed manner I hadn't expected.....my time with the 'big guy' however wasn't quite so pleasant.

I assumed I would be seen by a judge in chambers but no, it was the full hit court room scenario, save for the fact there was only he, myself and a video camera 'in residence'.

Emotionally it was a very odd and none too enjoyable experience. He was as one would expect a faceless, suited gent who seemed to spend an eternity pawing over my petition in detail interspersing his note taking and small grunts with questions. I felt suddenly very small, almost like a child waiting to be berated by the headmaster for some heinous misdemeanor. All I could think was what on earth must this man be thinking of someone like me. There he sat, midway through his own presumably successful career with all the associated trappings, making judgment on me who has literally nothing of monetary value save for a five year old car. My life and his must be about as diametrically opposed right now as it is possible to be.

I promise you, today was not an experience designed to boost one's pride in oneself.

Eventually having satisfied himself of the facts he agreed to make the order and pronounced me bankrupt with an almost apologetic tone. I wasn't sure whether I should thank him, punch the air that it was over or cry, the latter seemed to threaten dangerously for a moment but what little pride I had left won over and off I went for my first interview with the official receiver with my head held high and a very hollow feeling somewhere inside me.

I have yet to have interview #2 with these guys in a few weeks, it will be at that point I learn the fate of my car but in essence that's it, I am debt free but at a very different kind of cost.

So that's it, I'm now officially an undischarged bankrupt.

C'est la vie....I had no other option I know..... and hopefully in a few days I will begin to feel it's the beginning of a new start and all that, but for now the hollow 'thing' in my gut still prevails and I'm still wondering how one receives a salary (when I get one) or pays standing orders etc. for a year with no bank account.......

Do Prada take cash?

Tomorrow sees me take one more step on the path that has become the destruction or rebuilding, depending on your perception, (mine wavers from day to day at the moment) of what was once my life, for tomorrow I have my appointment in court with a guy in a funny wig and gown....do judges wear all the regalia in 'non-criminal' proceedings?.....who will declare me bankrupt all things being equal.

Odd though it may seem this little 'court appearance' seems to have become lost among other more upsetting difficulties over the last few days, the up-side of which is that I have barely given it thought let alone gotten into a state of panic over it, every cloud has a silver lining eh?

My current and most pressing consideration (and yes I know it's a girly thing) is what should I wear?...under usual circumstances an appearance in court would warrant (no pun intended) that I get suited and booted, pull out all the stops and look like I mean business but should a woman applying for bankruptcy look 'together'? Would it not be more suitable to go looking down at heel, like I don't have a penny to my name (which is about true) and I have just been dragged unceremoniously through a thick hedge? Who knows, maybe I'll err on the side of caution and fence sitting and hit a mid point somewhere!

So that's it, by this time tomorrow my financial life will be all over bar the shouting, I'm not sure quite how I feel about it anymore, making the application, submitting it and knowing it's going to happen is one thing....actually walking out as an undischarged bankrupt might be another entirely.....the best I can do I suppose is accept it's the only route I can take and try to see it as the resolution to a problem and move on.

Do Prada take cash?

Sorry, I shouldn't be flip I know but if I didn't laugh and all that.......

Life happens ~ reprise

I posted this a year ago, almost to the day, little did I know then quite how appropriate it would be a year later!

"This is the 21st century, we have control, from the cradle to the grave we make our decisions large and small, we shape our lives, we plot, we plan, everything is within our sphere, our power, we choose our destiny and the choices are many.

Much is grey though some black or white, our destiny chosen, we head toward that place, certain of our goal.

They say don't they, that we make our own luck?

At times life happens, the control is gone, the choices gone, changed or re-arranged, the once straight path, headed to a place we thought we knew becomes a muddied track. Plans made evaporate, ideologies stand challenged by incidents outside our common realm. We stand confused as life's curved balls make tracks toward us, one by one, in certainty still, we catch them deftly, re-plan, re-shape, re-gain control.

One is dropped, no matter, two then three, our minds flail lost, they came unbidden, four then five, control a foreign concept now.

Luck? Luck is not an absolute, luck is not a plan nor destiny, luck is not a tangible gift bestowed, or not, upon us, control is not a power, we have no power, we have no luck......... we have only an attitude of mind.

Life shit happens."

Bear with me....

...please if things become a little quiet in gemmak's-ville over the next few days.

Life has presented me with a particularly difficult problem recently and I might go temporarlily AWOL whilst I try to get my head around it all.

....and a special big thank you to my 'support team' (they know who they are)....I know I'm testing your collective stamina right now but I appreciate your support more than you know.

Yesterday I Got Stoned!

No, not what your thinking :o)

I went for a visit to Avebury Stone Circle in Wiltshire. Avebury is one of Europe's largest prehistoric stone circles, a bit like Stonehenge but far better.


By chance, whilst partaking in a little light refreshment at the local pub, the Red Lion, the only Pub in the world that is actually located within a Stone Circle, a Druidic Wedding was taking place. Lots of 'Odd' looking folk, hippies, new age travellers etc. all dressed up in Priests gowns banging on drums and chanting.

Most excellent people watching and maybe the only time I've ever visited a pub that was so busy, but knew (because alcohol wasn't the only substance for relaxation being consumed ;o) ), there wasn't going to be any trouble.

All in all, a most interesting day out and a life style that has its attractions.

Education today!

Couldn't resist ;o)

A picture is.....

...worth a thousand words!!!

....and I doubt it will require a massive amount of thought for you to work out what happened here!!!!

'Madam' was way too proud of herself...the bird, a pigeon almost the same size as she is, escaped, though quite how it managed subsequently with such a lack of plumage, I don't like to consider.



(Clickable)

It's official....well almost!

As of yesterday evening, at the press of a button, gemmak is officially financially defunct (another word came more readily to mind there but I resisted, it's amazing what one can do online now!

There is no turning back now, my bankruptcy application had made it's electronic way to the insolvency service and been accepted in principle. All that remains now is for me to attend a grilling with a judge, likely sometime next week, (it seems to be a fast turnaround this bankruptcy business) and if my case is looked upon favorably that will be it....gemmak will be a bankrupt.

Ok, I have then to wait a month for the receiver to decide if he wishes to relieve me of any of my possessions, like I have any, though my car is of concern, if that goes so does any remaining vestige of feeling a degree of independence I had. I can only hope it is considered way to much of a 'shed' now to be worth the bother!

Ain't life grand!

It has been suggested to me, by someone better able than myself right now, to see the positive in this, that I should be viewing it as the opportunity for a fresh start. Yup, good point it is but right now, whilst my common sense agrees my emotions don't seem to be keeping up with that thought!

Repeat after me.....

"I will not let this make me bitter.......angry,.....f*cked off........ raging......"

much!

Comments, or lack of!

I know, I have a habit of apologising here for one thing or another, usually my lack of speed in replying to emails from time to time, well here's another apology, this time for my being so remiss of late in replying to comments you so kindly leave. I promise, I read all of them, I even formulate responses in my mind but my time online recently is so limited I sowmehow rarely seem to actually manage to get fingers to keys and 'articulate' my replies.

I do appreciate your commenting though, particularly through this somewhat 'unusual' period of my life and I will get back to some degree of reply normality as soon as I can.

Oh....and on the subject of commenting, anyone know why I can't comment on any blogs that are using the new Blogger beta version? It just wont have it, no way, not a hope! :o(

Vantage point!

For Joanna...Tilly pictures :o)

Reflection of life in the UK ?

I'm not usually given to 'Britain bashing' but this little gem landed in my inbox recently and has an uncanny feel of reality about it!

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrels food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britains apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrels's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

A Tilly first

So, picture the scene (and it's not a particularly attractive one), it's early morning, a damp and dismal start to the day and having already made it to my first caffeine and nicotine hit I'm two floors up attending to my ablutions when I hear from the garden faint panicking sounds coming from my mother

My father is way this week and concerned my mother might have had some mishap befall her I listen more intently..... and with small big panic rising realise she is talking in very concerned tones to Tilly. Always one to panic first and think later I race the two flights of stairs, three at a time convinced at the very least, that 'madam' has been injured and my mother maybe struggling to deal with whatever situation she has been faced with.......but what do I find?

My mother is indeed struggling with squirmy small cat, though somewhat carefully for she is mindful of Tillys claws and teeth, items she is not adversed to sinking into soft flesh. The reason for the cat/mother tussle rapidly becomes apparent as I near the furor....Tilly has her first ever catch (rubber bands aside), a still very much alive tiny, cute ball of fieldmouse, as yet not dispatched to the big mousehole in the sky.... and she is rather determined to hold onto it!

Whilst my mother may not be too adept at this procedure unfortunately for Tilly's pride I am and with one swift shake the tiny round mouse was rescued from feline jaws, Tilly was put unceremoniously indoors and off I went to investigate the state of her prey. All it seemed was well, there was no sign of injury and the little creature, as tiny as it was managed to bite me hard enough to draw blood! Mouse was put into the shrubbery and after a reasonable period of 'forgetting time' Tilly was released from her incarceration!

She has been spotted since almost continually 'parked' atop the compost heap monitoring intently the spot from where her quarry originated, in the apparent hope presumably, that it has been stupid enough to return and that her next attempt at proudly presenting her grandmother with a 'gift' won't be so unkindly thwarted!!!

One Dream

A dream, swathed in swirling, gentle, midnight moonglow,
the minds eye, imaginations of the soul, just a moment, a breath away.

A dream, so near, so far, gently hued and winged in feathers, soft,
unfettered thoughts reach out to unreality, reality?
words drifting, whispered into silent, blue black night.


A dream, ethereal magic, star studded, soul touched, set free to soar,
behind eyes, heavy lidded, closed, a world apart, hand outstretched in gossamer gentle, silken threaded, grasp.

A dream unspoken, unheard, a moment, a second in time suspended, a golden orb, moon-like, in conciousness held, eternally.
For fleeting moment touched, warm wrapped, safe in vulnerablility.

A dream, one dream held close, moon-glow haloed in dark starred silent night.
One dream, one wish.......one moon.