The single thing

When I was thrust back into a life of single-dom so perfunctorily almost six months ago I thought I might just keel over and die, that my life was over and that I would never recover but whilst it has been and continues to be, without doubt, one of the toughest times of my life, I have faced tougher both before and, as it has transpired, since and I have thus far survived. I may be a whole lot more cynical and little more battle scarred but despite it all I can begin to see that there are a few positives I didn't expect.

I really wasn't born to be single, it doesn't suit me, I don't like sleeping alone or waking up alone, I don't like having no-one to share the day to day stuff with, conversations about the minutiae of life and shared experiences, I'm a tactile soul and I miss touches and cuddles (minds out of the gutter please guys), I'm not keen on doing everything on my own, I miss having someone to care for and take care of and I miss being cared for, but I do like feeling I can be me!

I like that I can be who I really am, I don't have to live up to the expectations of someone else, I don't have to consider what I do or where I go, I can do what I want when I want (ok, so current circumstances are restricting but that's an entirely different issue), I can say what I want too to whom ever I want to, I don't have to pretend to be anything I'm not, I can be honest with myself, I don't have to feel inadequate or stupid or make excuses for who I am or why I am, I can just be me and if that doesn't suit some then so be it.

I really didn't realise quite how much of who me is I had compromised over time and how much I wasn't impressed with who I was turning into...it's only with the benefit of hindsight (ok and some counselling) that I can now see what was happening.

I don't of course have all the answers and for the most part I particularly dislike this single thing, I detest feeling so lonely, but it has made me more self-aware and I have learned and gained from it in an obtuse way. Yes of course I would love to meet my 'Mr Almost Perfect' but one thing is for sure, if I do he will have to like who I really am next time and accept that I don't actually want to be someone else!

Brave words perhaps from one usually so pathetically given to the 'state of wimp' and much of the time I probably don't believe it myself.... but that I can at all, even just now and then, I count as a positive thing and some measure of my ability to dig my heels in when things get tough.