I have thought long and hard since beginning this blog as to whether I should tell this story for a number of reasons. Firstly it is in some respects very private, secondly my actions caused hurt to others and finally it perhaps doesn't paint a very good picture of me, something none of us advertise easily I suspect. Having said all that, it is also the story of what for me was a very significant time in my life and today, the third anniversary of the event, seems an appropriate time to take the 'bull by the horns' and share it. You may not like it, you may judge me badly but it is honest and it happened.
The 31st of January 2002 is my 'Groundhog day', the day in my life that given the opportunity I would re-live over and over. PG and I don't have a wedding anniversary to celebrate, by virtue of the simple fact we aren't married and we cannot celebrate the day we first 'met', because we can't remember exactly when it was, at the time it was not significant.
So the story begins sometime in the autumn of 2002. I was living near London, married and had just changed my job to a position it turned out I disliked, working in the same company as my husband. Had you asked me at the time if my marriage was in trouble I doubt I would have recognised it, though with the benefit if hindsight it was a marriage that should never have happened for many reasons. This is not by way of an excuse for my subsequent behaviour, rather some explanation.
I was bored, I was looking for a new interest and decided to buy and learn to use a computer..... from the moment I hit a key I was hooked and it was thus that one night by chance, PG and I met. I was 'investigating' IRC, purely out of hellishness because it had received so much bad publicity and 'ran into' PG.
I am not given to flights of fancy, soppy tales of love and romance and I was certainly not looking for love, had I been, the internet would not have been the place I would have chosen. Already in my second marriage and horrified by the fact that I had been divorced once, I was in my mind, married this time for the duration.
Despite my level headedness something inexplicable happened that evening, in that conversation.......I knew that this man was special to me and I knew the feeling was mutual.
And so began the inevitable nightmare of logging into IRC and talking into the small hours, of feeling overwhelming guilt at the suggestion in my mind that I was being deceitful and of trying to resist the temptation. I felt as if I where on a roller coaster, I knew I should get off but I couldn't and as the weeks progressed the feeling of guilt and deception began to take it's toll. PG and I agreed to stop before the situation got out of hand or went any further. Thus far we had only ever 'spoken' via the internet. To use the phone was to me a big step further in the dishonesty.
It sounds pathetic, I would have perhaps judged someone else harshly in my situation for uttering phrases such as 'we couldn't help it' or 'it just happened', prior to this but that's how it was....we couldn't help it! Regardless of our heartsearching and efforts to stay away from one another, invariably within days we were sat up all night talking once more.
I was wracked with guilt, PG was wracked with guilt and for all we both felt for one another it was fast becoming a nightmare. I kept telling myself it was just an 'internet thing', that we couldn't possibly know one another properly but I didn't believe what I told myself and neither did PG. I had no one to talk to, all my friends at the time where also my husbands friends and my parents, who I would usually have confided in and asked for advice, had been overseas for 4 months nursing a sick relative.
Eventually when the whole scenario became too much for me I called my sister just before Christmas and talked to her. She suggested I sit my husband down and discuss our marriage and it's problems before things went further. I did, he perhaps understandably, hit the roof but would not accept there was a problem. I lost the plot, got in my car and headed for Scotland and PG! My sister intervened 100 miles from home, persuaded me this was not the best course of action and to go to her home in the midlands...... and there I stayed for a week. By this time PG and I were calling one another and the deception was to me horrendous, the constant clearing of call logs on my phone and my ability to learn fast how to 'cover my tracks'(I became an expert) on the computer horrified me. I had until then in my life not thought I was capable of such dishonesty, had probably never told more than a handful of fibs in my 40 years and here I was lying through my teeth at every turn.
I won't bore you with the details but suffice to say that Christmas was my worst, PG and I wanted to be together, my husband's reaction was bordering on the frightening and he still wouldn't admit there was a problem and seek help but despite all that, I was persuaded to 'go home' and make a go of my marriage. My inability to cope with the situation I had created was thus that my doctor told me to make a decision soon, signed me off work and prescribed me Vallium for a few days, which only succeeded in clouding my thoughts and ability to make a decision further. My job was a difficulty, working with my husband was not ideal so I contacted my previous company (the same as my current employer) and begged for a job. I got one, and a promotion at that, and was due to start a fortnight hence.
A week or so later my parents arrived home for a few days, their passports had expired and they had to return from Canada to renew them.....they walked into this shambles that had become my life, at a time in theirs that was already very difficult and for that I will always be sorry. I was summoned by my father to explain myself which I duly did, not knowing what reaction I would receive and feeling like a pathetic child completely out of control of my life. Their reaction was wonderful, as ever they where there when I most needed them. Yes, they where not impressed with my timing or some aspects of how I had conducted this debacle but they understood and supported me. Something I'm not sure I expected from a couple married for over 40 years but for which I will be eternally grateful.
The following day, without ever having met PG for real I left my husband, I was sad in some respects, he was a good man in many ways and I hurt him but he and I just were not suited. My overriding memories of that day where of a feeling of massive relief and of the pleasure of being able to talk to PG without looking over my shoulder and feeling guilt. That day was the 25th of January 2002.
The following day, functioning on auto pilot, I began my new job and PG began making arrangements to travel from Scotland to London.
On the 31st January, 3 years ago today, on a cold, crisp, dark morning, after he had made the journey overnight, we finally met face to face at 6.30am at Marble Arch in the west end of London!
To be continued.
Monday, 31 January 2005
'Graybar'
Occasionally in life we come across a piece of art, a tune or a lyric, a poem or a piece of writing that immediately grabs our attention, and keeps us enthralled. It evokes in us strong emotions, good or bad, may be a sudden and powerful reminder of something. It may fascinate us or scare us, it may make us question or be filled with wonder…… or may do all of those and more.
‘Graybar’, a blog whose author is a Norwegian lady named Karine, is for me one such experience.
A number of weeks ago I was surfing the blogosphere and by some route, now forgotten, I came upon Karine’s writing by chance. I sat into the small hours of the morning and read from the first paragraph to the last! In those hours I laughed so hard my face hurt, I cried, I felt happiness, sadness, empathy, anger and other indefinable emotions. By the time I had finished reading I felt I had been allowed a privileged glimpse into the life of someone special.
Karin writes about her day to day life, about ‘Kidlet’ her son, ‘Catlet’ her beautiful grey cat, her social life, her husband, her friends and her family and life’s up’s and down’s, much as we all do, she is bright, articulate and well read and she has a very specific reason for beginning and maintaining her blog.
The first post was made 13 days after she was diagnosed with stage IVB metastatic cervical cancer and she felt that to mail all those who she cared about and who cared about her would be too hard, so she began ‘Graybar’.
It would not be an exaggeration to say I am in some awe of this lady; she is facing a difficult time in her life with courage, common sense and humour. Should I ever find myself in her situation I would like to think I could be half the woman she is. Karine herself would likely beg to differ; she genuinely doesn’t see herself as brave and courageous and amusingly refers to her ability to have ‘a one woman pity party’ from time to time. It would in my mind be a strange individual who didn’t.
This blog is not depressing, Karine is not depressing, she deals with her situation, her treatments and her emotions in a refreshingly honest way and does not dwell on the negative. She writes amusing, informative and enlightening posts and lives a rich and full life as far as her illness allows….. and I suspect beyond! Her writing is a journey through a situation I suggest most of us fear to some extent and her great ability with words leaves one feeling in some small way that they have been there with her, through the highs and lows.
I could extol the virtues of this lady and her approach to life unendingly but I suggest instead you read it for yourself.
If ever there was a blog that should be published in book form it is this one, for not only is it a poignant, sensitive, informative and amusing piece of writing it would also, in my opinion, be of great help to anyone else finding themselves facing a similar situation. Certainly many of Karine's thoughts, theories and her ethos will remain with me.
~This posting is made with Karine's kind permission~
‘Graybar’, a blog whose author is a Norwegian lady named Karine, is for me one such experience.
A number of weeks ago I was surfing the blogosphere and by some route, now forgotten, I came upon Karine’s writing by chance. I sat into the small hours of the morning and read from the first paragraph to the last! In those hours I laughed so hard my face hurt, I cried, I felt happiness, sadness, empathy, anger and other indefinable emotions. By the time I had finished reading I felt I had been allowed a privileged glimpse into the life of someone special.
Karin writes about her day to day life, about ‘Kidlet’ her son, ‘Catlet’ her beautiful grey cat, her social life, her husband, her friends and her family and life’s up’s and down’s, much as we all do, she is bright, articulate and well read and she has a very specific reason for beginning and maintaining her blog.
The first post was made 13 days after she was diagnosed with stage IVB metastatic cervical cancer and she felt that to mail all those who she cared about and who cared about her would be too hard, so she began ‘Graybar’.
It would not be an exaggeration to say I am in some awe of this lady; she is facing a difficult time in her life with courage, common sense and humour. Should I ever find myself in her situation I would like to think I could be half the woman she is. Karine herself would likely beg to differ; she genuinely doesn’t see herself as brave and courageous and amusingly refers to her ability to have ‘a one woman pity party’ from time to time. It would in my mind be a strange individual who didn’t.
This blog is not depressing, Karine is not depressing, she deals with her situation, her treatments and her emotions in a refreshingly honest way and does not dwell on the negative. She writes amusing, informative and enlightening posts and lives a rich and full life as far as her illness allows….. and I suspect beyond! Her writing is a journey through a situation I suggest most of us fear to some extent and her great ability with words leaves one feeling in some small way that they have been there with her, through the highs and lows.
I could extol the virtues of this lady and her approach to life unendingly but I suggest instead you read it for yourself.
If ever there was a blog that should be published in book form it is this one, for not only is it a poignant, sensitive, informative and amusing piece of writing it would also, in my opinion, be of great help to anyone else finding themselves facing a similar situation. Certainly many of Karine's thoughts, theories and her ethos will remain with me.
~This posting is made with Karine's kind permission~
Sunday, 30 January 2005
I don't believe it!
Down there on the right somewhere you will notice my hit counter has been replaced with an unpleasant little thingy telling me my code has changed and that I need to apply a new code. No problem there I thought and off I went to Bravenet to retrieve the promised new code.
What did I find? My counter has disappeared, completely and utterly wiped from the face of Bravenet....not a sign of it anywhere, like it never existed, counter, stats, management...all gone...kaput!
So I have mailed them, as you do, in a rather 'to the point' manner and I await a helpful reply...hmmmmm. Until then nothing, zip, zilch, nowt!
I have a distinct feeling I am going to have to install a new counter and guess at what number the old one stood. I have a rough idea but damn....will this thing ever all hang together at one time??!!
What did I find? My counter has disappeared, completely and utterly wiped from the face of Bravenet....not a sign of it anywhere, like it never existed, counter, stats, management...all gone...kaput!
So I have mailed them, as you do, in a rather 'to the point' manner and I await a helpful reply...hmmmmm. Until then nothing, zip, zilch, nowt!
I have a distinct feeling I am going to have to install a new counter and guess at what number the old one stood. I have a rough idea but damn....will this thing ever all hang together at one time??!!
Saturday, 29 January 2005
Friday, 28 January 2005
Haloscan: I have capitulated
I have given up the unequal struggle, for now at least, and added Haloscan commenting. I am far too obsessed to miss comments purely because blogger has it's myriad technical difficulties and the frustration of late has been unprecedented.
So it's there, loitering at the bottom along with Blogger comments, I couldn't bear to lose all my old comments so the two will have to run side by side. Hopefully one or the other will work at any given time and if Blogger ever 'get's it's act together' I can dispense with Haloscan eventually.
Goddamn, I even had to pay real money, to the sum of $12 USD, for email notification, this had better be good! :o)
So it's there, loitering at the bottom along with Blogger comments, I couldn't bear to lose all my old comments so the two will have to run side by side. Hopefully one or the other will work at any given time and if Blogger ever 'get's it's act together' I can dispense with Haloscan eventually.
Goddamn, I even had to pay real money, to the sum of $12 USD, for email notification, this had better be good! :o)
Friday's feast (33)
Appetizer - If you could have a free subscription to any magazine, which one would you like to have?
'Computer active'....er, I have a subscription to that already so maybe 'Cosmopolitan' even though I'm too old for it's reader base!
Soup - If you were to suddenly become famous, what would you choose as your stage name?
Lord knows!
Salad - What ingredients make an awesome salad? Dressing? Croutons?
Parmesan cheese and dressing
Main Course - What do you like most about your current job?
My colleagues
Dessert - Who is your favorite instrumental musician (not a singer)?
Miles Davis
'Computer active'....er, I have a subscription to that already so maybe 'Cosmopolitan' even though I'm too old for it's reader base!
Soup - If you were to suddenly become famous, what would you choose as your stage name?
Lord knows!
Salad - What ingredients make an awesome salad? Dressing? Croutons?
Parmesan cheese and dressing
Main Course - What do you like most about your current job?
My colleagues
Dessert - Who is your favorite instrumental musician (not a singer)?
Miles Davis
Tsunami spoof
I am rarely inflamed to such an extent as I was this morning reading this news report. I can laugh with the best of them at sick jokes and politically incorrect 'offerings' but this particular instance is beyond all boundaries of decency and acceptability.
What on earth where these people thinking of and what on earth where those who made and produced the item thinking of??
I'm sorry, but an apology and the offering of a meagre weeks salary by those who made the decision to air this item is not good enough. I am as a rule on the side of the underdog and not in favour of corporate heavy-handedness but in this instance the employer is right. It is easy to apologise after the event and when one's own life is about to be affected.
Crass stupidity and insensitivity of this magnitude is inexcusable and those guilty of it shouldn't be allowed to escape with apologies manufactured doubtless for the purpose of saving their own skins!
What on earth where these people thinking of and what on earth where those who made and produced the item thinking of??
I'm sorry, but an apology and the offering of a meagre weeks salary by those who made the decision to air this item is not good enough. I am as a rule on the side of the underdog and not in favour of corporate heavy-handedness but in this instance the employer is right. It is easy to apologise after the event and when one's own life is about to be affected.
Crass stupidity and insensitivity of this magnitude is inexcusable and those guilty of it shouldn't be allowed to escape with apologies manufactured doubtless for the purpose of saving their own skins!
Thursday, 27 January 2005
Virtual 'thorn's in the side'
Some things have a habit of being particularly aggravating, not horrendously terrible just life's little 'bug bears', those things that make you go grrrrr despite one's powers of rationalisation knowing they shouldn't.
Two of these jolly little incidents greeted me this morning.
Firstly, for techie reasons I shan't bore you with, my email gave up the ghost, this required me to install new settings.....which I duly did, courtesy of Wanadoo, only to find that along with the operational stuff I required it also installed one of those aggravating search bars at the bottom of the outlook page. I hate them, if I wanted one I would choose to have one, I do not want one surreptitiously planted there via 'the back door' and I'll be damned if I can get shot of it! Any ideas on means of removal, from those more technically able than myself, would be appreciated.
My second aggravation was an email virus hoax, kindly sent to me by a friend, in all good faith. This hoax concerns a virus reported to arrive under the title 'A virtual card for you' which claims to 'destroy sector zero'. Yeah right! Check this one out here or here for further proof of it's stupidity.
I will never understand what pleasure some probably bright and technically savvy individual gains from these bits of idiocy....probably the fact that they get the likes of me spitting!.....so I won't, I'll stay calm, I won't react, or scream or shout or show any annoyance what so ever.......think calm thoughts......
....not working...arghhhh.....
Two of these jolly little incidents greeted me this morning.
Firstly, for techie reasons I shan't bore you with, my email gave up the ghost, this required me to install new settings.....which I duly did, courtesy of Wanadoo, only to find that along with the operational stuff I required it also installed one of those aggravating search bars at the bottom of the outlook page. I hate them, if I wanted one I would choose to have one, I do not want one surreptitiously planted there via 'the back door' and I'll be damned if I can get shot of it! Any ideas on means of removal, from those more technically able than myself, would be appreciated.
My second aggravation was an email virus hoax, kindly sent to me by a friend, in all good faith. This hoax concerns a virus reported to arrive under the title 'A virtual card for you' which claims to 'destroy sector zero'. Yeah right! Check this one out here or here for further proof of it's stupidity.
I will never understand what pleasure some probably bright and technically savvy individual gains from these bits of idiocy....probably the fact that they get the likes of me spitting!.....so I won't, I'll stay calm, I won't react, or scream or shout or show any annoyance what so ever.......think calm thoughts......
....not working...arghhhh.....
Wednesday, 26 January 2005
Why oh why......
....do blogger have to test our patience to such extremes?
It seems I am not the only one to have suffered unending frustrations of late. Everything takes close to a lifetime to open, if it does at all, I can only comment with occasional success, I am never notified of a comment by email any longer and trying to publish is a feat of endurance!
Just as I had almost given up the unequal struggle and migrated my comments to Haloscan , something I have thus far resisted ( I don't want to lose my past comments), what happened?....I'll tell you....Blogger started to 'play the game' at last!
I won't hold my breath!
It seems I am not the only one to have suffered unending frustrations of late. Everything takes close to a lifetime to open, if it does at all, I can only comment with occasional success, I am never notified of a comment by email any longer and trying to publish is a feat of endurance!
Just as I had almost given up the unequal struggle and migrated my comments to Haloscan , something I have thus far resisted ( I don't want to lose my past comments), what happened?....I'll tell you....Blogger started to 'play the game' at last!
I won't hold my breath!
The world gone mad!
'Going equipped'!
Few can have missed the news story reported over the last few days concerning Sarah McCaffery the young lady from Tyne and Wear who was fined for eating an apple whilst driving. Ms McCaffrey was issued with a fixed penalty fine of £30 for her 'offence' but objected and opted to go to trial, where she was found guilty, fined £60 and ordered to pay £100 costs.
Northumbria police and the CPS spent over £10000 in their endeavours to secure this conviction!
This morning a report has emerged of a man who was fined by Greater Manchester Police for playing his car stereo system too loudly.....apparently the decibel level was only half of the possible full volume.
Doubtless we will be subjected now to a string of such stories from the media, never an organisation to miss the opportunity of 'jumping on the bandwagon' and inflaming popular opinion.
That said I have to admit to being somewhat dismayed by this story.
I have in the main spent a lifetime as pro police and an advocate of our justice system but the case of Ms McCaffery seems utter nonsense. In the first instance I find it hard to accept that eating an apple at the wheel constitutes a serious case of 'not being in control of her vehicle', though I do accept that it is not absolutely ideal and in the second instance I do not understand why, if the local constabulary considered it appropriate to stop this young lady for her misdemeanor in the first place, she was not given a friendly warning. Lets face it....who doesn't on occasion eat/ smoke/ drink at the wheel? The fact that we 'all do it' does not of course make it right but it begs the question why we have not all been hauled infront of a magistrate for such crimes.
Finally, the most appalling result of what was perhaps an over zealous young officers actions, is the fact that the police force in question, rather than handling this case with common sense, then proceeded to spend £10000 of public money in acquiring evidence against this most heinous of criminals to ensure a conviction!
Has the world gone mad?
I truly never thought I would see the day I would utter this opinion but are there not real criminals, the murderers, rapists, armed thugs and drug cartels to attend to? £10000 may well be a 'drop in the ocean' where the fight against such serious crime is concerned but surely securing a conviction against Ms McCaffery was not the most intelligent use of resources.
Common sense it seems was sadly lacking in this instance, the constable who made the initial decision may well have thought in his wisdom he was acting correctly, indeed he was acting within the confines of his remit but was there not a sergeant or inspector etc. 'back at the station' who could have taken action to avert this debacle before the CPS, a helicopter, a spotter plane, a squad car bristling with technology and the courts became so expensively involved?
Well done PC Butler, you should go far!
Tuesday, 25 January 2005
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