31st January 2002: Part 1

I have thought long and hard since beginning this blog as to whether I should tell this story for a number of reasons. Firstly it is in some respects very private, secondly my actions caused hurt to others and finally it perhaps doesn't paint a very good picture of me, something none of us advertise easily I suspect. Having said all that, it is also the story of what for me was a very significant time in my life and today, the third anniversary of the event, seems an appropriate time to take the 'bull by the horns' and share it. You may not like it, you may judge me badly but it is honest and it happened.

The 31st of January 2002 is my 'Groundhog day', the day in my life that given the opportunity I would re-live over and over. PG and I don't have a wedding anniversary to celebrate, by virtue of the simple fact we aren't married and we cannot celebrate the day we first 'met', because we can't remember exactly when it was, at the time it was not significant.

So the story begins sometime in the autumn of 2002. I was living near London, married and had just changed my job to a position it turned out I disliked, working in the same company as my husband. Had you asked me at the time if my marriage was in trouble I doubt I would have recognised it, though with the benefit if hindsight it was a marriage that should never have happened for many reasons. This is not by way of an excuse for my subsequent behaviour, rather some explanation.

I was bored, I was looking for a new interest and decided to buy and learn to use a computer..... from the moment I hit a key I was hooked and it was thus that one night by chance, PG and I met. I was 'investigating' IRC, purely out of hellishness because it had received so much bad publicity and 'ran into' PG.

I am not given to flights of fancy, soppy tales of love and romance and I was certainly not looking for love, had I been, the internet would not have been the place I would have chosen. Already in my second marriage and horrified by the fact that I had been divorced once, I was in my mind, married this time for the duration.

Despite my level headedness something inexplicable happened that evening, in that conversation.......I knew that this man was special to me and I knew the feeling was mutual.

And so began the inevitable nightmare of logging into IRC and talking into the small hours, of feeling overwhelming guilt at the suggestion in my mind that I was being deceitful and of trying to resist the temptation. I felt as if I where on a roller coaster, I knew I should get off but I couldn't and as the weeks progressed the feeling of guilt and deception began to take it's toll. PG and I agreed to stop before the situation got out of hand or went any further. Thus far we had only ever 'spoken' via the internet. To use the phone was to me a big step further in the dishonesty.

It sounds pathetic, I would have perhaps judged someone else harshly in my situation for uttering phrases such as 'we couldn't help it' or 'it just happened', prior to this but that's how it was....we couldn't help it! Regardless of our heartsearching and efforts to stay away from one another, invariably within days we were sat up all night talking once more.

I was wracked with guilt, PG was wracked with guilt and for all we both felt for one another it was fast becoming a nightmare. I kept telling myself it was just an 'internet thing', that we couldn't possibly know one another properly but I didn't believe what I told myself and neither did PG. I had no one to talk to, all my friends at the time where also my husbands friends and my parents, who I would usually have confided in and asked for advice, had been overseas for 4 months nursing a sick relative.

Eventually when the whole scenario became too much for me I called my sister just before Christmas and talked to her. She suggested I sit my husband down and discuss our marriage and it's problems before things went further. I did, he perhaps understandably, hit the roof but would not accept there was a problem. I lost the plot, got in my car and headed for Scotland and PG! My sister intervened 100 miles from home, persuaded me this was not the best course of action and to go to her home in the midlands...... and there I stayed for a week. By this time PG and I were calling one another and the deception was to me horrendous, the constant clearing of call logs on my phone and my ability to learn fast how to 'cover my tracks'(I became an expert) on the computer horrified me. I had until then in my life not thought I was capable of such dishonesty, had probably never told more than a handful of fibs in my 40 years and here I was lying through my teeth at every turn.

I won't bore you with the details but suffice to say that Christmas was my worst, PG and I wanted to be together, my husband's reaction was bordering on the frightening and he still wouldn't admit there was a problem and seek help but despite all that, I was persuaded to 'go home' and make a go of my marriage. My inability to cope with the situation I had created was thus that my doctor told me to make a decision soon, signed me off work and prescribed me Vallium for a few days, which only succeeded in clouding my thoughts and ability to make a decision further. My job was a difficulty, working with my husband was not ideal so I contacted my previous company (the same as my current employer) and begged for a job. I got one, and a promotion at that, and was due to start a fortnight hence.

A week or so later my parents arrived home for a few days, their passports had expired and they had to return from Canada to renew them.....they walked into this shambles that had become my life, at a time in theirs that was already very difficult and for that I will always be sorry. I was summoned by my father to explain myself which I duly did, not knowing what reaction I would receive and feeling like a pathetic child completely out of control of my life. Their reaction was wonderful, as ever they where there when I most needed them. Yes, they where not impressed with my timing or some aspects of how I had conducted this debacle but they understood and supported me. Something I'm not sure I expected from a couple married for over 40 years but for which I will be eternally grateful.

The following day, without ever having met PG for real I left my husband, I was sad in some respects, he was a good man in many ways and I hurt him but he and I just were not suited. My overriding memories of that day where of a feeling of massive relief and of the pleasure of being able to talk to PG without looking over my shoulder and feeling guilt. That day was the 25th of January 2002.

The following day, functioning on auto pilot, I began my new job and PG began making arrangements to travel from Scotland to London.

On the 31st January, 3 years ago today, on a cold, crisp, dark morning, after he had made the journey overnight, we finally met face to face at 6.30am at Marble Arch in the west end of London!

To be continued.