Thursday, 20 July 2006
It's too damn hot....
....to do anything in a fur coat!
(Clickable)
(but at least she slept, which is more than I can say for myself!)
(Clickable)(but at least she slept, which is more than I can say for myself!)
Wednesday, 19 July 2006
One small step
As is well documented here my greatest fear, my horror of horrors, my ultimate terror, is spiders. It's irrational I know, many things that are way more likely to harm me hold no fear for me but spiders, without doubt are the only thing that produce in me that knee jerk 'mad woman screaming' reaction instantly...no preamble, no anything remotely controlled, just an 'over the top, run in the opposite direction screaming like a fool' response.
It's kinda aggravating, not only for those around me witnessing this spectacle but also for myself, it controls too much of my life in small ways, I have perfected all of the standard avoidance techniques. The shower and the bed have to be checked for 'inhabitants' on each use, I don't sit on grass comfortably, gardening (which I love in all other respects) is like running the gamut, a spider in my bedroom requires that I de-camp for the night until it can be found and and anything moving in the corner of my eye is immediately considered an eight legged invader and produces the 'run away and behave pathetically' reaction until whatever it really is has been investigated.
To this end, and for various other reasons, yesterday something inside me suddenly decided something had to be done, if only in a very small way and so, when advanced upon in the usual unpleasant manner by a small specimen (maybe 1.5 inches in leg span) I stood my ground.
I'm pretty good at this stuff, I know a little about the psychology, I know the 'rules of engagement' and for the first time I employed them against the aforementioned advancing threat and instead of turning tail, I forced myself to keep looking, to stay within firing range, trying desperately to run any kind of positive reinforcement through my small mind as I did so....but there was more!
Having achieved that small step and my torturer remaining within scope......I held my hand out and touched it, ok, so it was with outstretched arm and it was only a little poke but gemmak voluntarily touched a spider!!!!!!....and lived to tell the tale!
So one small step, I can't say I'll ever get to the 'tarantula on arm stage' but maybe I can, with time, get to the 'this isn't going to rule my life significantly anymore' stage.
Hell, even looking at the damn thing was impressive for me, touching it, even briefly, was kindaJesus, why am I doing this massive.
It's kinda aggravating, not only for those around me witnessing this spectacle but also for myself, it controls too much of my life in small ways, I have perfected all of the standard avoidance techniques. The shower and the bed have to be checked for 'inhabitants' on each use, I don't sit on grass comfortably, gardening (which I love in all other respects) is like running the gamut, a spider in my bedroom requires that I de-camp for the night until it can be found and and anything moving in the corner of my eye is immediately considered an eight legged invader and produces the 'run away and behave pathetically' reaction until whatever it really is has been investigated.
To this end, and for various other reasons, yesterday something inside me suddenly decided something had to be done, if only in a very small way and so, when advanced upon in the usual unpleasant manner by a small specimen (maybe 1.5 inches in leg span) I stood my ground.
I'm pretty good at this stuff, I know a little about the psychology, I know the 'rules of engagement' and for the first time I employed them against the aforementioned advancing threat and instead of turning tail, I forced myself to keep looking, to stay within firing range, trying desperately to run any kind of positive reinforcement through my small mind as I did so....but there was more!
Having achieved that small step and my torturer remaining within scope......I held my hand out and touched it, ok, so it was with outstretched arm and it was only a little poke but gemmak voluntarily touched a spider!!!!!!....and lived to tell the tale!
So one small step, I can't say I'll ever get to the 'tarantula on arm stage' but maybe I can, with time, get to the 'this isn't going to rule my life significantly anymore' stage.
Hell, even looking at the damn thing was impressive for me, touching it, even briefly, was kinda
Monday, 17 July 2006
I don't believe it!!!
Finally after over five years of searching I have found a dentist!!!!!.
Quite why I should be so happy about that I'm unsure given that the whole dentistry 'thing' scares the wits out of me but having been dentist-less for so long common sense (yes there is a modicum in there somewhere)dictates that my tracking down someone prepared to take me onto an NHS list is reason almost to crack open a bottle of something expensive.
This breakthrough has of course been prompted by a small dental disaster...that of a large part of a particularly rumbunctious tooth having decided to drop off over the weekend, sending me into a small state of panic in realisation that I would again have to take up the challenge presented by our government and dentists over the last few years.
So take up the challenge I did and whether I was just lucky or whether the South of England merely has more user friendly dentists than Scotland did I don't know, but suffice to say on the 2nd August, at last, a dentist will peer into my mouth...ok, so it hardly constitutes an emergency appointment but I can live with half a tooth for a few weeks and I'm not sure I want to know the 'what I need doing' bit anyways quite yet!
Bring on the Vallium!
Sunday, 16 July 2006
Friday, 14 July 2006
Ain't life strange....
....and some!
When I chose my most recent path in life I knew it was gonna be tough, I knew the logistical problems I faced would test me but I don't honestly think I really appreciated just how far they would test me.
Dealing with the practical aspects of my sudden slide into bankruptcy, of being technically homeless and of being unemployed is relatively easy...the emotional side however is a whole different story.
I had the misfortune yesterday of having to deal yet again with one of my creditors, this is a big high street institution though the manner in which they try to recoup their imminent loss smacks of back street loan sharks....ok, so as yet they haven't 'sent round the heavies' but my phone rings an obsessive number of times and worse still my parents have to field various borderline abusive calls to their number.
I can accept they feel they have every right to harass me (though in law they don't) but they most certainly don't have a right to constantly bombard my parents phone line. Yes, I have explained countless times to countless faceless individuals in an Indian call centerplease, I would like to help you if only I could understand you that this is nothing to do with my parents...on countless times I have been assured their number has been removed from all records and then what?....not 6 hours passes without yet another call to the same number! FFS.
What part of 'this is not my number' are they having the problem with I wonder?!
In desperation yesterday I approached someone further up the chain in an attempt to get my message through. She, whoever she was, apparently customer facing staff at this bank aren't obliged to identify themselves in any way, politelycondescendingly informed me of the down side to bankruptcy, like I wasn't already aware..... and finished her speech with the little 'gem', that being a bankrupt did nothing for one's pride!!! Was she under some mis-apprehension then that I had any pride left?
So magnify that four fold (yup, four creditors), add the joy of having no money, the DSS are to take yet a further four weeks to 'sort me out', getting a job is complicated by all this in ways I can't go into here, the not knowing where I'll be living or how sometime soon..... and my reasons for feeling a little insecure and pissed at life from time to time start to become clear.
Half of the time I feel hopeful and positive, the other half I seem to have acquired a predilection for dissolving into tears or a pathetic state of negativity.
Hey...but don't they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? and WTF, it's Friday, who cares until Monday! :o)
Rant over.
When I chose my most recent path in life I knew it was gonna be tough, I knew the logistical problems I faced would test me but I don't honestly think I really appreciated just how far they would test me.
Dealing with the practical aspects of my sudden slide into bankruptcy, of being technically homeless and of being unemployed is relatively easy...the emotional side however is a whole different story.
I had the misfortune yesterday of having to deal yet again with one of my creditors, this is a big high street institution though the manner in which they try to recoup their imminent loss smacks of back street loan sharks....ok, so as yet they haven't 'sent round the heavies' but my phone rings an obsessive number of times and worse still my parents have to field various borderline abusive calls to their number.
I can accept they feel they have every right to harass me (though in law they don't) but they most certainly don't have a right to constantly bombard my parents phone line. Yes, I have explained countless times to countless faceless individuals in an Indian call center
What part of 'this is not my number' are they having the problem with I wonder?!
In desperation yesterday I approached someone further up the chain in an attempt to get my message through. She, whoever she was, apparently customer facing staff at this bank aren't obliged to identify themselves in any way, politely
So magnify that four fold (yup, four creditors), add the joy of having no money, the DSS are to take yet a further four weeks to 'sort me out', getting a job is complicated by all this in ways I can't go into here, the not knowing where I'll be living or how sometime soon..... and my reasons for feeling a little insecure and pissed at life from time to time start to become clear.
Half of the time I feel hopeful and positive, the other half I seem to have acquired a predilection for dissolving into tears or a pathetic state of negativity.
Hey...but don't they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? and WTF, it's Friday, who cares until Monday! :o)
Rant over.
Thursday, 13 July 2006
It was always gonna happen
That is...'madam', she pictured looking bored to death above, was always gonna get her first bird at some stage!
And it did happen, yesterday of all days, when I was having a particularly bad day anyways..... without any of her assistance and it was not a feat to be proud of!
First thing in the morning I noticed an adolescent blackbird hopping around the lawn, it obviously couldn't fly though there was no apparent damage but the countless times I approached it, it just hopped off into the shrubbery, it never took flight.
Mindful of Tilly's recent 'stalking practice' and attempts at killing rubber bands I decided it best I contain her indoors to give the poor bird a chance to put some distance between itself and small cat....but the damn thing just wouldn't go!
Finally in late afternoon it appeared to have disappeared and Tilly was let loose...not half an hour later I was roused from my miserable day by much squawking and excitement in the garden...yes, Tilly had 'discovered' the poor ailing thing and had a firm grip on it. One terse word in her ear caused her to drop it and scuttle back indoors where she was incarcerated again whilst I went to investigate the damage.
I was kind of hoping she had done the job properly but of course I knew she wasn't yet up to that and sure enough, there it was, a bedraggled, motionless little soul on the lawn. Deciding I had to 'do something about it' I went back in for rubber gloves in trepidation, not at all sure if I could do the deed....but on returning to the place I had left it, I discovered no bird....thank the Lord for small mercies, I know it would have been kinder to 'attend to it' but I would have struggled with the practicalities and at least I can hope now that it might recover quietly somewhere.
Ok..unlikely I know but I can hope!
As for you know who....she's just puzzled as to why her wings have been clipped (no pun intended).
Wednesday, 12 July 2006
A memory
Of gentle, simple ease, of promise, of joy, of dreams.
A memory... untouchable, untainted, sweetly resting, smiling.
Of blue heavens, of echoed laughter, of pain salved.
A memory... precious, cherished, unbidden to the mind.
Of wings with which to fly, of soul and spirit free.
A memory... contented, ethereal, turning cartwheels in conciousness.
Of courage, of soaring free, of silence and words whispered into cool breeze.
A memory... of dreams unchained, of fear lost, hope dared.
Of wishing, of beliving, of happiness touched by open heart.
A memory...gossamer fine, suspended against black velvet......
Tuesday, 11 July 2006
Monday, 10 July 2006
Sometimes......
.....just once in a blue moon, on a day when it all begins to seem hopeless, someone does something so completely unexpected and so thoughtful that suddenly life seems brighter in an instant, despite the rest of the crap.
Thank you to that person, you know who you are, the biggest most heartfelt thank you for making a bad day so very much better.
......and yes, I am remembering :o)
Thank you to that person, you know who you are, the biggest most heartfelt thank you for making a bad day so very much better.
......and yes, I am remembering :o)
Friday, 7 July 2006
Thursday, 6 July 2006
Hitting the ground running
Life is peculiar in gemmak's-ville these days. Human beings are as a rule scared of change and yet we are ultimately adaptable if we allow ourselves the chance, if we take the risk.
Standing on the precipice of any life changing decision is a scary place to be, the fear of the unknown is for most of us less braver souls something to be anticipated with some trepidation, the decision to take the final leap into the void of uncharted territory is something we recoil from, the comfort of the know quantity that is our familiar life has a strong pull on our sense of safety and belonging.
Gemmak's-ville seems of late to be one 'precipice' after another, no sooner have I closed my eyes, held my breath and taken the leap into one new situation than the next seems to have presented itself.....I feel as if I hit the ground running recently on an almost weekly basis....and hell....I don't 'do' change, I don't 'do' decisions!
My days of a 'simple' life seem to have come to a temporary end. My personality is such that the 'wait and see' approach just doesn't happen in my mind, what happens in my little department of grey matter is what feels like almost constant consideration of the situations I find myself in and having to resolve. I need to make some big decisions and big decisions aren't my 'forte'......and sleep...what on earth is sleep? Hey, on a good day (or night to be more specific) I manage maybe 4-5 hours of fitful semi consciousness, though more usually I manage to function on something closer to 2 hours.
But all is not lost for whilst the hard stuff seems to dominate for now and I mostly have problems deciding 'which way is up', every now and then something small but less problematic happens and for a short time life seems blissfully simple and less of a bother. Suddenly something small makes all of the big decisions seem so much easier, the feeling of pressure, of constant 'thinking' disappears and life feels hopeful.
Give me time...maybe I'll even get to like the sensation of hitting the ground running...ok, so there are likely to be a few grazed knees along the way but I'm getting kinda used to living outside of the comfort zone.
And hey...it's nearly the weekend again! :o)
Standing on the precipice of any life changing decision is a scary place to be, the fear of the unknown is for most of us less braver souls something to be anticipated with some trepidation, the decision to take the final leap into the void of uncharted territory is something we recoil from, the comfort of the know quantity that is our familiar life has a strong pull on our sense of safety and belonging.
Gemmak's-ville seems of late to be one 'precipice' after another, no sooner have I closed my eyes, held my breath and taken the leap into one new situation than the next seems to have presented itself.....I feel as if I hit the ground running recently on an almost weekly basis....and hell....I don't 'do' change, I don't 'do' decisions!
My days of a 'simple' life seem to have come to a temporary end. My personality is such that the 'wait and see' approach just doesn't happen in my mind, what happens in my little department of grey matter is what feels like almost constant consideration of the situations I find myself in and having to resolve. I need to make some big decisions and big decisions aren't my 'forte'......and sleep...what on earth is sleep? Hey, on a good day (or night to be more specific) I manage maybe 4-5 hours of fitful semi consciousness, though more usually I manage to function on something closer to 2 hours.
But all is not lost for whilst the hard stuff seems to dominate for now and I mostly have problems deciding 'which way is up', every now and then something small but less problematic happens and for a short time life seems blissfully simple and less of a bother. Suddenly something small makes all of the big decisions seem so much easier, the feeling of pressure, of constant 'thinking' disappears and life feels hopeful.
Give me time...maybe I'll even get to like the sensation of hitting the ground running...ok, so there are likely to be a few grazed knees along the way but I'm getting kinda used to living outside of the comfort zone.
And hey...it's nearly the weekend again! :o)
Wednesday, 5 July 2006
Tuesday, 4 July 2006
Sorry....again!
I seem to have been here before, it's not the first time I have felt it necessary to post a 'public' apology for my lack of ability to keep up with life...more specifically the ever growing pile of correspondence in my inbox!
So, yet again I offer my apologies if you took the time to mail me recently and I appear to have ignored you. I promise that is not the case, nor is it the case as regards my horrendous lack of comment replies and the intermittent nature of my posting.....life is just a little hectic one way and another of late but I will catch up eventually...er...I'm not sure exactly when but I will!
Really....
honestly.....
I will.
So, yet again I offer my apologies if you took the time to mail me recently and I appear to have ignored you. I promise that is not the case, nor is it the case as regards my horrendous lack of comment replies and the intermittent nature of my posting.....life is just a little hectic one way and another of late but I will catch up eventually...er...I'm not sure exactly when but I will!
Really....
honestly.....
I will.
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