A memory

A memory...gossamer fine, suspended against black velvet.
Of gentle, simple ease, of promise, of joy, of dreams.

A memory... untouchable, untainted, sweetly resting, smiling.
Of blue heavens, of echoed laughter, of pain salved.

A memory... precious, cherished, unbidden to the mind.
Of wings with which to fly, of soul and spirit free.


A memory... contented, ethereal, turning cartwheels in conciousness.
Of courage, of soaring free, of silence and words whispered into cool breeze.

A memory... of dreams unchained, of fear lost, hope dared.
Of wishing, of beliving, of happiness touched by open heart.

A memory...gossamer fine, suspended against black velvet......

Mouse pads...who'd have em!

Sorry, I couldn't resist.



Thanks Dale. :o)

Sometimes......

.....just once in a blue moon, on a day when it all begins to seem hopeless, someone does something so completely unexpected and so thoughtful that suddenly life seems brighter in an instant, despite the rest of the crap.

Thank you to that person, you know who you are, the biggest most heartfelt thank you for making a bad day so very much better.

......and yes, I am remembering :o)

7/7

May the victims rest in peace and the perpetrators rot in hell.

Enough said.

Hitting the ground running

Life is peculiar in gemmak's-ville these days. Human beings are as a rule scared of change and yet we are ultimately adaptable if we allow ourselves the chance, if we take the risk.

Standing on the precipice of any life changing decision is a scary place to be, the fear of the unknown is for most of us less braver souls something to be anticipated with some trepidation, the decision to take the final leap into the void of uncharted territory is something we recoil from, the comfort of the know quantity that is our familiar life has a strong pull on our sense of safety and belonging.

Gemmak's-ville seems of late to be one 'precipice' after another, no sooner have I closed my eyes, held my breath and taken the leap into one new situation than the next seems to have presented itself.....I feel as if I hit the ground running recently on an almost weekly basis....and hell....I don't 'do' change, I don't 'do' decisions!

My days of a 'simple' life seem to have come to a temporary end. My personality is such that the 'wait and see' approach just doesn't happen in my mind, what happens in my little department of grey matter is what feels like almost constant consideration of the situations I find myself in and having to resolve. I need to make some big decisions and big decisions aren't my 'forte'......and sleep...what on earth is sleep? Hey, on a good day (or night to be more specific) I manage maybe 4-5 hours of fitful semi consciousness, though more usually I manage to function on something closer to 2 hours.

But all is not lost for whilst the hard stuff seems to dominate for now and I mostly have problems deciding 'which way is up', every now and then something small but less problematic happens and for a short time life seems blissfully simple and less of a bother. Suddenly something small makes all of the big decisions seem so much easier, the feeling of pressure, of constant 'thinking' disappears and life feels hopeful.

Give me time...maybe I'll even get to like the sensation of hitting the ground running...ok, so there are likely to be a few grazed knees along the way but I'm getting kinda used to living outside of the comfort zone.

And hey...it's nearly the weekend again! :o)

Wednesday wonder

Another from the garden:

Philadelphus.

Sorry....again!

I seem to have been here before, it's not the first time I have felt it necessary to post a 'public' apology for my lack of ability to keep up with life...more specifically the ever growing pile of correspondence in my inbox!

So, yet again I offer my apologies if you took the time to mail me recently and I appear to have ignored you. I promise that is not the case, nor is it the case as regards my horrendous lack of comment replies and the intermittent nature of my posting.....life is just a little hectic one way and another of late but I will catch up eventually...er...I'm not sure exactly when but I will!

Really....

honestly.....

I will.

TFIF

There is something about Fridays, no matter that my last fifteen or so years have been spent in a job that dictated I worked all weekend, Friday's refused to stop having that 'special' feeling about them. I never lost the anticipatory feeling of something better to come over the weekend, though of course in reality it wasn't the case....quite the reverse on most occasions!

However, as with all clouds my current somewhat murky landscape has a silver lining......Friday's really are really cool again. No matter that I have temporarily joined the ranks of the idle poor, the slight frisson and excitement of a Friday's promise has returned in earnest. I may not have the rat race to contend with on weekdays but I do still feel I have to get the 'business end' of life attended to, eject myself from sleep (like I'm getting much anyway right now) at a civil hour and at least make an effort to maintain some routine....but weekends, weekend are for playing, weekends have returned to being a time for fun, for trying not to worry about the crap and for trying to turn off my head. No more 5am starts, no more customers to harass me to within an inch of my patience, no more having to be the one going home early on a Friday or Saturday night from whatever function.....yup, this cloud certainly has one very big silver lining!

......and this week, being up there in my top three of lifetime 'weeks horriblis' I intend to fully utilise that 'Friday feeling' and the silver lining.

TFIF.

Have a good weekend guys :o)

A 'wild' rubber band!

Tilly, having finally earned her 'garden wings' by proving that she will usually come home eventually, is now allowed 'out to play' unsupervised from time to time.

The learning process was somewhat fraught, with either my mother or myself in a state of near panic each time she did a 'disappearing act' and it has to be said that along the way there were more than a few frantic twilight searches among the shrubbery, but in the main she was never far away, rather just making the most of her cat camouflage and laughing at us from a bush usually not more than ten foot from our torchlight!

And so, all grown up and familiar with her new surroundings there is only two concerns left. The first is that she will at some point fall victim to one or other of the rather too large tabby tom cats that seem to roam the same territory. Tilly is completely unaware that she should be on her guard for such interlopers, having had one or two pointed out to her from the safety of indoors she seems completely unfazed, her assumption I assume seems to be that all 'foreign' felines must surely be as simple to deal with as Ditto, the only other cat she has ever encountered. I'm not sure who is going to be more scared when the inevitable happens but for now madam remains is a blissful state of ignorance regarding any impending battles she has to face.

The second and lesser concern is that she will begin presenting myself and my parents with the delightful little 'gifts' so familiar to we who are owned by a member of the feline population. For myself that is not a great issue, ok, so I prefer not to be presented with a headless mouse over breakfast but I can live with it.....my parents however, who are not 'cat people', might be a little less than enamored!

It would seem there is little to fear on this latter concern, for this morning, having been given free rein of the garden in the relatively early hours, she was seen performing all the 'bottom wiggling and tummy on the floor' stalking maneuvers associated with a soon to be new kill. Maybe half an hour later, after much more of this performance, she came bounding into the house with her quarry held firmly and proudly in her mouth, chattering and chirruping happily at her new found skill.

Almost proud that she had begun to learn the real grown up cat stuff I investigated, ready to try and turn loose some small defenceless rodent. On approach my pride lessened slightly when it appeared that her kill was merely a worm......it lessened somewhat further when she dropped it on the carpet for another hours 'killing' and I realised it was not a worm at all...... but a 'wild' red rubber band!



Um...perhaps she has some way to go yet in this particular learning process!

A day to forget

The time always comes in situations such as my current one where the 'honeymoon period' (no pun intended) is over and the business of getting on with real life has to be attended to.

Ok....so for a short while we maybe allow ourselves time to adjust a little, time to pretend things will be easier than we know the reality will be, a break from the recent traumas to stand back, take stock and begin to consider our next move...today was that day.

The first of the big decisions had been waiting to be made for a while and could wait no longer, today was the day the proverbial bullet had to be bitten, and somewhat firmly at that.

I am of course referring to my rather tenuous financial situation, ignoring it was not going to make it disappear and so this morning, already feeling considerably less that full of confidence for one reason and another, I set about taking the last of the professional advice I needed to come to a final decision....and made the decision. There is no alternative option left open to me other than to file for personal bankruptcy. Not something I relish and a situation that for me, that the irony of which will not be lost on some, but the sooner I file the papers the sooner I can begin to look forward to a more 'normal' life. It ain't gonna be an overnight transition by any means, more like years of overnights but it can't be avoided and so in a weeks time the bull will be taken by the horns and gemmak will become officially 'financially f**ked'.

The amusing aspect (ok, so maybe I say 'amusing' through gritted teeth but you know what I mean) of this scenario is that it costs a fair few quid to render oneself bankrupt!! Hell, if I had that kind of money readily available I might not be considering this course of action at all but hey ho, life is full of such absurdities and I have but one possession left worth anything (and a lot more in sentimentality) and so it will be sold, my dues paid and a damn hard lesson learnt.

Oh, but my delightful day was not yet complete. Having navigated my way through that legal maze it was off to the DSS to 'sign on', no job having yet been secured and my bank account looking sadly bare I gave in in the name of not starving.

This expedition I have to say was marginally worse than the bankruptcy hoo ha, if I had any vestige of self esteem left when I walked into the hallowed government building I certainly didn't when I left! Having been subjected to the banal and ridiculous myriad of questions fired at me by an 18 year old upstart who assumed I probably hadn't worked a day in my life, had 16 children by 17 different fathers and at least one plasma screen in each government supported bedroom of my palatal home...... I was then informed I had to undergo two further grillings before a decision would be made as to whether I am entitled to the princely sum of £57 a week!

Like I said, a day to forget! it was a tough one, one of my toughest, ten rounds with Muhammed Ali might have been preferable and I have to admit to being rather less amused by the whole situation than it maybe appears here but if you didn't laugh you'de cry....yup, ok, I did my fair share of that too as the day went on but with a little help from Nero's (ok, I'm broke, maybe I shouldn't be patronising Nero's but WTF I needed something) and my usual excellent 'support team' (thank you as ever, you know who you are) I managed to make it this far, albeit in a rather 'wobbly' fashion!

Hey......shit happens, today was a scary one to put it mildly, I'm still kinda reeling but tomorrow is another day, I still have the most important things in my life, (no, not my laptop, that will become of interest to the bailiffs) and maybe, just maybe, one day in the future some fool will let me have a mortgage again!

Does now seem an appropriate moment to utter the words 'pigs' and 'wings' and 'life sucks' at times?

Suburban summer

From my mothers garden. (Clickable)

Peony
Geranium
Poppy

Tilly's newest obsession!

Tilly had never encountered a squirrel until she encountered my parents garden and with her new found freedom has come a new obsession.....'squirrel watching'. My concern is the latest aspect of this interest,'squirrel stalking'...I have an uneasy feeling that should she succeed in her quest to come face to face with said rodent, she may well find she has bitten off more than she can chew!

Catching the sun

'Madam' has wasted no time in making herself at home here and finding for herself an 'appropriate' and favoured resting spot!

Who are your friends?

I have been in my current position before, that is the position where I have made the decision to leave a partner and make a new life and one of the most striking aspects of being in that position is that one very quickly learns who one's real friends are.

It is human nature I suppose that when individuals find themselves standing on the perimeter of such a situation they feel a need to 'side' with one party or another, to 'fight the corner' of one or another of those involved, rather than to try see the bigger picture, think outside the box and look at all sides of a set of circumstances.

On both the occasions I have found myself in this situation, within days, despite my attempts at not turning anything into a battle, the statutory two 'camps' have formed and suddenly one is made very aware of those friends who will and those who will not continue to stand at one's side and offer support through thick and thin. Almost instantly there are some who were considered at least reasonably close friends, who feel it appropriate to judge a situation, often with only half information and overnight those people disappear into the mists of what once was.

There is of course an upside to this. As one trundles through life one learns there is not enough time to be wasted on friendships that never really where that, friendships that ultimately lacked depth, with friends like that who needs enemies as the saying goes, and whilst it can be sad in parts sorting the 'wheat from the chaff' it at least ensures we find within our circle of friends those who really care and those we care for in return.

The situation does not make me angry nor bitter, it just is as it is, it will always be human nature to a degree but for my part I hope, that on the occasions I find myself being the onlooker I can at least try to stand back a little and look for the bigger picture.

I am very lucky, I know who my true friends are, I know who I can count on and who I can trust but it is sad that in a situation such as that I am currently experiencing that any one individual has to be judged right or wrong, stuff happens, we make decisions to the best of our ability, they may not always seem right to another but do we have the right to judge others even when we are in possession of the facts, let alone when we aren't?