It's a small, small world!

So, I 'twitter' (@gemmak500 if you're interested, which you are probably not but I digress), in fact I twitter somewhat obsessively some might say but thus far only once have I had such the surprise I had one day last week and among all the turmoil of that particular week, this incident was one of the few happy highlights.....if not the highlight!

I have been 'twittering' for a fair few weeks to one lady in particular. I don't recall who found who originally but we got on very well from the off and daily had pretty quickly had a good dialogue going.

One evening last week she asked me where in Buckinghamshire I live, the reason being she had spent some of her childhood in the county. One question led to another and it quickly transpired that myself and my new friend were in fact old friends!

She spent her first ten or so years in the street that runs parallel to the the one in which I was bought up and now again live, we were friends and junior school and 'went round to play' at one another's home fairly often for a number of years!

How cool is that! Much reminiscing ensued needless to say!

Her family moved away and we obviously lost contact, we now live two hundred miles away from one another but I wonder what the probability of bumping into each other among the millions on twitter are??

What a small, small world it is sometimes!

Home alone again!

Well, the title says all I need to really, my mother is in the Midlands with my sister for a week and I have a whole, unadulterated, yummy, hopefully very relaxing week home alone!

I have no idea exactly what I will do but just that in itself is is a relaxing thought. I do of course have the job issue to contend with but at least I will have more time to concentrate on that, the rest, who knows but just to do my own thing for a while is a very smiley thing! :)

I really need to chill some before my stressed head 'pop's!

The chilling starts here......

Cat perch!

This is so cat and so hilarious.

There's no embed link but you can see the video HERE!

The week that was...

....was not a good one, this one I am determined will be at least something of an improvement!

The last one began with my being dumped by the man that I thought was 'different' and ended with my annihilating my precious laptop on Saturday night, it was a death by a half a cup of tea, which given my usual care was particularly annoying. Really, I have protected that machine almost with my life and at three years old it still looked brand new. Various forms of CPR were performed and it has resided since in the airing cupboard in bits but all to no avail, it was a fatal blow. Bugger!

On the upside it means I have a bright shiny new one now, courtesy of my mother who very kindly offered to lend me the necessary readies to buy it, there was no way I could raise that kind of money right now....I hate borrowing money but I had no choice. Life without a laptop is almost unthinkable in gemmaks-ville.

Among all of this there is one very definite silver lining however, I have by default rid myself for ever of the horribly heinous Vista!

Woot ;)

The best way

The thing about sex

So then, the whole sex thing, why does it have to be such a minefield or in some cases almost a battlefield? The last year has taught me something I already knew but hadn't had to deal with for quite some time, that unless one is prepared to have casual sex with just about anyone the average date is going to become something of a physical obstacle course and trying to get to know someone whilst always on the back foot, isn't very conducive to anything, sexually or otherwise!

Guys nowadays aren't generally big on commitment of any kind, our dating game has become like I read it always has been for years in the U.S., one has a series of dates with various people, rather than 'in my day' (hell I sound old) we tended to see one guy at a time. I am happy to do either but I just can't get my head around seeing a series of guys maybe just once or twice and having sex with them all! It's just not going to happen but it appears to be a very difficult path to tread. Guys just don't appear to accept it and to be fair nor do many women and I don't think it's specific to the men I have met because the more I discuss it and the more I read the more it seems it is the norm.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex as much as the next person and I have always believed it is a natural, fun and lovely thing that we shouldn't have too many hang-ups about hopefully. I don't have strong moral issues on the subject and I certainly don't have religious issues but I do have self respect and emotion and I am just not going to date three guys in a week and shag (I choose the word purposely)them all.

I understand that the harsh reality is that the world turns on money and sex, I hope I am far from a prude and I hope I am realistic. I don't expect a guy to marry me or even date me for months on end before he tries to get messy, but longer than one evening would be kind of nice and a little respectful!

Maybe in part it is our own fault, in the fight for equality we have given the impression that we are 'up for it' or the ladette culture has perhaps lost women some respect from the male of the species. I appreciate guys now don't really know where they are sometimes with women, and I understand the Venus and Mars principle but really, there is nothing to prove. I'm not interested in a mans sexual prowess first, I'm interested in the man...if he's cool then the prowess is a natural progression and all the better for it.

Call me old fashioned, call me naive if you will though I believe I am far from either.... but if I wanted to fornicate with every Tom, Dick (pun intended) or Harry that came my way I wouldn't be unemployed and penniless now would I!

Something cheerful....

.....for a change and with a large dollop of amusing cuteness thrown in! :)

Treading water

Well, who knows, I certainly don't!

I seem to have launched inelegantly from one crisis to another this last year, it's been one thing after another, in varying degrees of size and shape and again I find myself not really knowing what I think or what I feel.

I've done all I can with the latest situation and as ever I suppose I just have to look forward and get on with life. A little more battered and bruised around the edges I may be, but hopefully as a result also a little wiser and a tiny bit tougher.... once I get my head back together.

Life isn't too straightforward generally at the moment, my mother is struggling somewhat with the loss of my father and is requiring a great deal of support, the job situation hasn't changed (and to be honest Lord knows how I would cope with that too right now) and I don't really know which way is up sometimes, I feel like I'm just treading water in an emotional sense lately and for now maybe that's all I can do.

Can something nice happen next please?

On getting it wrong again

So, it seems this dating game is not my forte, I just don't have what it takes or my judgement is pretty severely impaired in one way or another.

Really, I thought I was being careful, I have tried and tried not to fall into the traps of thinking people can't be trusted and generalising but it seems all I am doing is proving the very theory I am trying to disprove. I keep telling myself that one time I will get it right but however I play this damn game I just don't seem too!

This time I thought I was cool, we appeared to have everything going for us, in fact we did and in many ways we still do have, but what I hadn't accounted for was his 'issues' and whilst I have been left pretty flattened by this latest incident I really can't say he was dishonest or bad, he is just struggling with life himself right now and I happened to be a casualty of that. Something I think he hadn't anticipated and is himself very sorry for.

None of that changes the fact though that again I am left confused and with puffy eyes and a shiny nose, this I promise you is not a good look, and whilst I know I did nothing wrong, that in itself makes it harder.... and more than that, the fact that I understand his issues and can't help him (or myself by proxy), despite knowing the psychology, is particularly difficult for me to get my head around.

I really didn't think I had got in this deep but it seems I have and what it leaves me feeling that concerns me the most, is that I have really begun to feel scared now to even try again. I mean, how on earth do I know who I can trust not to hurt me? I've got it wrong so often! I don't want to be a cynic, I don't want to always be looking over my emotional shoulder. I used to think the gains were worth the risk but I am so sick of being sad and I just don't know anymore if it is actually worth the risk or whether I should just give up and forget the whole thing.

I don't want to feel like this anymore, I was never a player or into games and this time, even though everything seemed right, even though I did all the things one is advised to do, I still managed to get it very wrong.

Oh...and to add insult to injury, aside from the puffy eyes, the shiny nose and the emotional fallout, all I seem to have left of this latest foray into matters of the heart is his cold and razor rash. Great! How bloody delightful!

And it was going so well

'Was' is the operative word here because having finally met a man with whom I clicked and who I thought was different, something went wrong.

We spent the weekend away, we both had a fantastic time together, really, I'm not an idiot, this was good for both of us, we communicated on the same level and we never stopped talking or laughing. It really was different, right up to the last minute.

I got home late last night and he called as promised.... but instead of the usual lovely conversations we have had previously for hours on end....he called a halt to it. Bang, out of nowhere!

It seems we have a serious case of cold feet for want of a better phrase, well it's more complicated than that but isn't it always.

To be fair he was completely honest and I understand his reason, in fact more than that I have great empathy with it but none of that changes how miserable and crap I feel right now, or the fact that I really am beginning not to trust my own judgement any longer and think trust is a thing of the past per se. In fact understanding somehow makes it harder because despite that I can't do anything about it.

Maybe single is the better option, maybe I'm done with men..... I'm losing the faith.

Numbers four and five!

Are taking place this weekend, Saturday and Sunday, that's dates with the new man before anyone suggests it's man numbers four and five! Yes Mr. B. that's directed at you! ;)

This is all very strange and a bit scary, we only met 'for real' ten days ago but already it seems like we have known one another for much longer, we seem to be able to talk unendingly, and about almost anything at all and there are none of those uncomfortable moments that are usually apparent at such an early stage. There are also no mind or dating games going on which is particularly refreshing.

Like I say, pretty scary but pretty nice, though the little pessimist in me is already wondering where and when it might suddenly all not seem so simple.

But yes, I know, PMA and live for the day, I'm learning!

The sharp (s) end!

If I was ever glad to see the back of a particular day it was yesterday! What a bloody disaster, anything that could go wrong or attempt to wind me up further, did, and nothing I tried to do worked in any kind of straightforward fashion!

I seemed to blunder through the day directionless like a mentally and physically ill coordinated fool and everything took twice as long to achieve as it should have. I'm sure my state of mind didn't help, had I been in a more calm condition to begin with, no doubt things wouldn't have seemed so problematical or at least I would have been better able deal with them in a appropriate way, as it was I just stumbled and grumbled on stupidly!

Not one thing was simple, right down to trying to return the full sharps bin that had loitered here since my dad's days of extreme poorliness. Apparently chemists can't now take them, don't ask, you wouldn't believe the rigmarole. I walked the length and breadth of the town carting the damn thing with me, getting odd looks here and there until I finally found a chemist prepared grudgingly to take it, only because they are part of the local needle exchange programme for addicts. That said, I had to fight my way through three guys, who having just collected their days methadone hit couldn't wait and had to consume it there and then and then was told the assistant couldn't actually touch the thing (this I will remind you is the official sealed standard issue sharps bin) and so I would have to go to the rear of the premises to their secure disposal bin and place it in there myself! Many locks and much tutting later it was finally deposited and secure.

I'm sure there is very good reason for all this, It would just have been nice if when I asked a week or two ago at the local branch of Boots if they could take it, they hadn't misinformed me in the first place and told me to 'just pop it down' and instead given me the correct information.

I wasn't in the mood yesterday and I fear it showed in my somewhat 'to the point' manner. Ergh.

Get the f*ck off my case!

Maybe I'll feel better once I've posted here, be warned, this is going to be a rant of what I would like to be epic proportions but for the sake of decorum and not sounding too sorry for myself, I will attempt to keep to a minimum!!

In actual fact I don't think I do feel sorry for myself, I feel more miffed than anything else and I think I am justified in that because it seems that whilst others are allowed their sensitivities and bad moments I am not, I have to plod on, keep smiling and pretend I don't begin to feel taken for granted here and there!

I really do not need to be reminded quite what a pigs ear I have made of my life, or of how dire my current situation is, I know guys, ok, I got it, I'm there, I understand, jeez, I might be stupid but not that damn stupid.... and just so you know, to keep reminding me is just not productive, in fact it's quite the bloody reverse because all it succeeds in doing is making me more miserable about the whole f*cking situation and consequently more overwhelmed with it all and less motivated.

I need positive input, I spent half a lifetime learning that and now all I seem to hear is re-iterated negatives time and time again....thanks but no thanks! I have no job, I have no home of my own, I have no partner, no money, real jobs are as rare as hens teeth, I am a discharged bankrupt, my car is dying a death, I just lost my dad and I'm trying to support my mum....yeah, I kinda know where I'm at in life, I say again, I understand, but I prefer to try and see the good bits, even if it is only a lovely moon, a bird on the feeder or to keep telling myself I will find a job even if it takes time!

One things for sure, negative input is in much more danger of making me not cope than it is of magically changing my life and although some beg to differ, believe me, I do know the power of negativity, ...and it's not a good place to go. I know my strengths and I know my limitations and whilst I may not be Ms. Perfect by a long chalk, I do the best I can with the person I am and that's all I can do. I am not super human, I think I have coped reasonably well thus far with the circumstances I have had to deal with over the last year or two but I do have weaknesses and sensitivities like everyone and I don't need them pointing out to me with regular monotony!! Really, I don't!!

Tomorrow is another day.....

How to stop speeding!

It would appear that in my local authority area we have a new method of controlling speeding traffic of late.No longer do we require speed cameras, sneaky policemen wielding Gatso guns from behind a gate, sleeping policemen, warning signs flashing wildly at us should be exceed the prescribed limit by a fraction or even the fear of three points on our licence and a fine!

Nope, there is a much simpler and cheaper way to stop our speeding antics....just let it snow and then freeze for a few days allowing our badly built roads to produce potholes the size and depth of the average well and then wait in anticipation for the local authority to fix them...and wait.....and wait....and wait and damn well wait some more!

I don't know what it's like where you live, but here in this little town which already has something of a negative reputation for it's road surfaces, it is currently something more akin to off-roading than urban driving when trying to negotiate the main through routes. In an effort not to completely annihilate one's suspension and acquire wheels of various peculiar shapes a slalom course, which changes daily if not hourly, has to be followed, and it's a course which becomes more dangerous and aggravating by the day.

Speeding is a thing of the past, there is absolutely no danger of that, trying to make it above second gear is an impossibility and traffic flow is completely disrupted by stopping traffic having to wait for oncoming vehicles forced onto the wrong side of the carriageway while attempting to negotiate the numerous potholes that could, and have, caused serious vehicular damage already.

I know it all costs money but really, it's ridiculous, there are not one or two, there are one or five every few feet and these babies are big, some of them really big and more than a foot deep on occasion....and they are still there, all of them, weeks after the event and already, despite my best efforts at avoidance, my geriatric car is developing all manner of new 'issues' in the suspension and bearing departments....and I imagine that if I attempted to gain recompense from the local authority it would be a long drawn out red tape nightmare?

Come on guys, not good enough....sort it out! Or at least show willing and make some effort!

Like anything I say will make a difference!

Miffed? Me?