Baby steps

It doesn't need reiterating here that the last few weeks of my life have been pretty dire, a time and place I never want to visit again as long as I live and that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

So where am I at now? Really I don't know, I feel like I'm functioning on auto pilot but an auto pilot system with more than a few technical issues, pretty directionless and with my mind flailing around wildly trying to find something to hang onto and/or focus on, though focusing seems to be difficult, my levels of concentration are shot and my thoughts are constantly disrupted by memories and questions.

To that end I have made made the decision to submit to a course of counselling. For me, and I know there are some of you who don't necessarily agree, a need to understand the what's and why's of how I came to be in this position is an inherent part of how I deal with things and without gaining that insight I just can't move on. There is nothing I can do to change what has happened, much as I wish there was, so instead I have to try and understand the reasons behind it from a psychological aspect. It's just me, it's how I have always been, without some understanding I will never be able to draw a line under the whole sorry story.

It's going to be a long journey, one I don't relish and one I wish with all my heart I didn't have to face but I do... and for me I think it's the only way forward. Tiny baby steps, one thing at a time, there will be many ups and downs no doubt and much self searching but counselling session number one last Friday helped me see at least that maybe I can make it through and maybe I can stop blaming myself entirely. Already aspects of what happened have been bought to my attention by the professionals that I hadn't seen or understood previously!

So, a better understanding and perhaps I will 'get there' in the end. I feel very fragile still and there is no doubting I will be a different person at the end of all of this, it has changed me already and I won't ever be quite the woman I was before. My trust and faith in life are shot to pieces and my cynicism levels are pretty high..... and I don't like it. I have always been a trusting person, always believed strongly in communication, always tried to see the good in people and situations and I have to learn now how to fix it instead of carrying it around inside me as a form of damaging self protection.

Baby steps... they are going to hurt like hell some of them, counselling works but it's tough, believe me I know, but it has to be done and do it I will!