A rock and a hard place

Once before in my life I had to learn to create a mental image of myself in my own psyche, an image that enabled me to visualize that somewhere, at some point there was or would be a light at the end of the tunnel I then found myself in. Recently I have found myself relying on that same image once again.

To say I currently feel between a rock and a damn hard place is an understatement, no matter what course of action I decide upon, no matter how much research I do into the options open to me it seems that there is always a new hurdle. Each day, just as I begin to think I can glimpse the chink of light I am looking for some new difficulty presents itself and obscures my view.

As with all of us very little of what we do impacts only on ourselves, each decision I try to take, each time I think I have found a way out of this bloody mess it becomes apparent that my course of action will affect others negatively and I have to consider a whole new set of circumstances. How do I choose who's life to disrupt, who to hurt. I wish I could only affect me but that seems impossible.

I feel as if I am walking a tightrope trying to keep everything together, trying not to affect others more than I absolutely have to, trying to keep everyone happy, trying my damnedest to 'do the right thing' for everyone and somewhere among it all what I need or want is lost.

Perhaps having gotten myself into this situation I have no right to consider myself, I have to take the responsibility for the current state of disarray my life is in
and practice damage limitation for those around me but just once, it would be so good for one tiny aspect to be simple, for one situation to be resolved without the now seemingly habitual multi-faceted problems that arise. Without feeling guilty or scared of the reverberations around me.

I can't move forward without resolving some of this and I can't seem ever to get anything resolved for tripping up on a multitude of new difficulties almost daily.

I am beginning to feel well and truly hacked off with it all. I know and I always knew it was never going to be an easy situation I was putting myself into but I didn't ever imagine it would be quite so difficult....somewhere in all of this there is me squashed firmly between a rock and a hard place and the option to spend my last few quid on a 'flight to disappear' before I implode, is rapidly becoming more and more attractive by the day.....but then that would be running away and running away doesn't count as an option in the 'do the right thing' stakes. :o/

I wonder if screaming would help?!