....I want to write here but can't (I have to find a solution to that situation somehow) and so little time......
dammit, on both counts!
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Friday, 24 September 2010
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Remember 'Hammy'?
Those who read here regularly will remember 'Hammy' perhaps?Well as of yesterday she is no longer, she is deceased, gone to the great hamster cage in the sky :(
I appreciate this isn't on the scale of some of my recent losses but it makes me a little sad nonetheless, despite the fact that she didn't live with me any longer.
When life necessitated that I move to my parents eighteen months ago I couldn't keep her so my brother took her, but she had an eventful little life and after she made a number of escape attempts it was decided she would go to one of his friends. She had narrowly missed a few over enthusiastic 'investigations' by his dog and it was only going to be a matter of time....
The said friend is an animal nut and really wanted her as opposed to just taking her out of kindness so, off she went about a year ago to join the menagerie already resident at her new home.
All was well, she was well cared for, I saw her occasionally and she had as much food and attention as any hamster could wish for.
She died of old age in her sleep but she was a happy little hamster who had more adventures than many.
Monday, 20 September 2010
One of 'those' moments!
Today was dreaded dentist day, those of you who have read here over time will know that me and dentistry do not a happy combination make by any stretch of the imagination! I hate it and nothing on God's green earth seems to prevent me from turning into a useless heap of quivering jelly from about 48 hours prior to any appointment....today wasn't any different and added to that it had a kind of horrible extra significance.
You see, despite my being, um.... a great big useless coward 'forty something,' wherever possible I have taken someone along with me for moral support...and usually that has been my dad over recent years. Given my age and my degree of fear this had become something of a tradition that caused amusement among the reception staff, a fact that was to prove quite difficult on this occasion!
This was to be my first dental visit since my dad died and my first alone for quite some years. The lack of my dad by my side chivvying me along with his unending humour was pretty much on my mind anyway when I walked in alone on very wobbly legs and with somewhat wobbly emotions this afternoon but I was about to get a whole lot worse.
I was greeted with a cheery 'hello' and a smile by the attending receptionist....who then continued by making a joke of my managing to be their alone for once and asking where on earth my dad was this time!
I hesitated for a moment and then without thinking just said "he's dead". I perhaps could have said it with a little more tact but I was taken by such surprise that I just blurted out what came, what followed was one of 'those' seemingly unending silences which spread throughout the reception area, while someone thought what to say next.
Rarely lost for words for long, even if they aren't always entirely appropriate words, it was me who broke the silence with another knee jerk sentence...."I suppose while I'm here then I should ask you to remove him from your list of patients shouldn't I". I don't think it was perhaps my best line but distracted said receptionist from her embarrassment and I shuffled into to the lions den so distracted I forgot to be scared anymore.
Maybe my dad helped me in his absence just the same!
You see, despite my being, um....
This was to be my first dental visit since my dad died and my first alone for quite some years. The lack of my dad by my side chivvying me along with his unending humour was pretty much on my mind anyway when I walked in alone on very wobbly legs and with somewhat wobbly emotions this afternoon but I was about to get a whole lot worse.
I was greeted with a cheery 'hello' and a smile by the attending receptionist....who then continued by making a joke of my managing to be their alone for once and asking where on earth my dad was this time!
I hesitated for a moment and then without thinking just said "he's dead". I perhaps could have said it with a little more tact but I was taken by such surprise that I just blurted out what came, what followed was one of 'those' seemingly unending silences which spread throughout the reception area, while someone thought what to say next.
Rarely lost for words for long, even if they aren't always entirely appropriate words, it was me who broke the silence with another knee jerk sentence...."I suppose while I'm here then I should ask you to remove him from your list of patients shouldn't I". I don't think it was perhaps my best line but distracted said receptionist from her embarrassment and I shuffled into to the lions den so distracted I forgot to be scared anymore.
Maybe my dad helped me in his absence just the same!
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
The slightly nuts woman I used to know
Well that was something of a failure!
The blogging from my phone idea didn't appear to be the answer to my lack of posting did it? In my defence however, it had as much to do with the app. I tried to use as it did with my current lack of time and blogging mojo. It worked the once, froze the phone and that was it and a better one seems not to be immediately available either. Hey ho.
So it's back to the trusty old laptop.
My ten days holiday is over and I have to admit that under my current circumstances I am more than a little pleased to get back to work. My home life is very difficult right now and being at work something of a respite. I woke at 5am this morning after only two hours sleep full of beans and ready to go, I am I know something of an oddity!
The holiday was not all a lost cause though I hasten to add. Myself and 'N' managed a few days away, peace and quiet and none of the usual difficulties that have become the norm of late. We had planned on a few days at the coast or something similar but our attempts at finding something suitable at such short notice and for minimal cost were thwarted so finally, having realised that all we wanted was a few days escape from the stress we booked into a local hotel and pretended for a long weekend that real life didn't exist.
Absolute bliss! For four whole days I felt like me again instead of the ragged, anxious, worry wart I seem to have become over the last eighteen months. Me, the slightlyvery nuts, laughing, life is fun woman I remember from days gone by.
It was fabulous, to do nothing, to worry about nothing, to offload my responsibilities and to give myself permission just not to give a damn about any of it for a few days.....priceless.
Oh....and it really wasn't by design that the hotel we chose had absolutely no cellular coverage at all, but hell it was a bonus! ;)
The blogging from my phone idea didn't appear to be the answer to my lack of posting did it? In my defence however, it had as much to do with the app. I tried to use as it did with my current lack of time and blogging mojo. It worked the once, froze the phone and that was it and a better one seems not to be immediately available either. Hey ho.
So it's back to the trusty old laptop.
My ten days holiday is over and I have to admit that under my current circumstances I am more than a little pleased to get back to work. My home life is very difficult right now and being at work something of a respite. I woke at 5am this morning after only two hours sleep full of beans and ready to go, I am I know something of an oddity!
The holiday was not all a lost cause though I hasten to add. Myself and 'N' managed a few days away, peace and quiet and none of the usual difficulties that have become the norm of late. We had planned on a few days at the coast or something similar but our attempts at finding something suitable at such short notice and for minimal cost were thwarted so finally, having realised that all we wanted was a few days escape from the stress we booked into a local hotel and pretended for a long weekend that real life didn't exist.
Absolute bliss! For four whole days I felt like me again instead of the ragged, anxious, worry wart I seem to have become over the last eighteen months. Me, the slightly
It was fabulous, to do nothing, to worry about nothing, to offload my responsibilities and to give myself permission just not to give a damn about any of it for a few days.....priceless.
Oh....and it really wasn't by design that the hotel we chose had absolutely no cellular coverage at all, but hell it was a bonus! ;)
Thursday, 9 September 2010
Test!
So... This is my latest plan to blog more often... Assuming of course it works which seems not to be a given, to blog from my phone perhaps. Lets see if it works....
Monday, 6 September 2010
I am on holiday....
....and I suppose I should be jumping up and down with glee but I'm not, to be completely honest I would rather be at work!
That probably sounds a little odd to most of you and I can remember only too well a time when I couldn't wait for my holidays but right now isn't that time, right now work is my escape and what for the most part what keeps me sane.
I do however have some plans, the first of which is sleep and lots of it and the second of which is facing 'the list'. I have lots of day to day stuff I really need to catch up with, you know, all those chores and official type things you always mean to do but don't really fancy so they get pushed to the bottom of the dreaded 'to-do' list repeatedly. Well this week I am determined to take on my list and if I achieve nothing else at least see that off.
And finally, with a big chunk of luck and a prevailing wind 'N' and I will get to have a few days away somewhere later in the week. At this stage we have absolutely no idea where, or even if he can get the time off but we are gonna try and do something if it kills us!
That probably sounds a little odd to most of you and I can remember only too well a time when I couldn't wait for my holidays but right now isn't that time, right now work is my escape and what for the most part what keeps me sane.
I do however have some plans, the first of which is sleep and lots of it and the second of which is facing 'the list'. I have lots of day to day stuff I really need to catch up with, you know, all those chores and official type things you always mean to do but don't really fancy so they get pushed to the bottom of the dreaded 'to-do' list repeatedly. Well this week I am determined to take on my list and if I achieve nothing else at least see that off.
And finally, with a big chunk of luck and a prevailing wind 'N' and I will get to have a few days away somewhere later in the week. At this stage we have absolutely no idea where, or even if he can get the time off but we are gonna try and do something if it kills us!
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
Some days....
.....despite all one's best attempts life just feels overwhelming and today is one of those 'sometimes'.
I know there are people worse off than me, much worse off but everywhere I turn today just seems to present a different problem to worry about and like most of my concerns right now, no matter how hard I try I just can't find a viable way around them or out of them.
Mostly I potter along and try my best to have my glass half full but today, for reasons that escape me it is very definitely half empty.
Dammit.
I know there are people worse off than me, much worse off but everywhere I turn today just seems to present a different problem to worry about and like most of my concerns right now, no matter how hard I try I just can't find a viable way around them or out of them.
Mostly I potter along and try my best to have my glass half full but today, for reasons that escape me it is very definitely half empty.
Dammit.
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
No sex please we're British!
Well then, true to form of late, my efforts at blogging have been severely lacking, it's not that I don't want to, I just don't seem to have the time or in many cases anything I can blog about. So much of my life right now revolves around issues that involve other peoples privacy that there is little left I am free to 'put out there'.
However, there are still a few things I am free to divulge and today's post concerns one of them.
Ok, laugh if you wish but this issue really isn't too funny from my perspective, I can though see why it might cause amusement, particularly given my age!
The relationship with 'N' is still going well, the guy is a star, a lovely man and someone who I am getting way more than fond of...and he, thankfully of me, but as ever in my life even the things that should be straightforward just damn well aren't.
I will have to choose my words carefully from this point on to avoid offense (like any of you would be offended!) but I give you a small warning that the content of this is a little 'adult'.
We have something of an annoying issue going on right now.
There are those I am sure who would still advocate 'courting' in the 'traditional' manner but then there are still also some perhaps who think that the world is flat, me, I think the world is round and I also think that within reasonable bounds of propriety sex is all just part and parcel of any caring relationship, I can't get too hung up about the whole business, it's a natural function, simples.
Not simples! Very not simples!
'N' like myself also lives with his elderly mother and cares for her (really two of us, you couldn't make it up!) He is more tied than I and this presents us with something of a frustrating problem....you can see where this is going can't you!?
Elderly parents, understandably perhaps, think that despite telling us this is our home, only the common areas are allowed for boyfriends/girlfriends to 'inhabit' and to be honest out of respect that wouldn't be an option. Next, either for financial reasons or because our services are required for caring neither of us can be away from home for too long or move out and so now two sets of parents require consideration and organisation instead of one.... result? Opportunities to spend time, er, alone aren't easy!
So... it seems for now we are mostly resigned to chaste kisses and holding hands, how sweet! Not! Ugh! I feel like a damn teenager again, with all the same restrictions and whilst I know it has it's amusing side, believe me, it isn't too amusing in reality....it's bloody frustrating and in my opinion none too healthy emotionally, but we just have no choice!
Please, don't anyone mention cars, I might feel like a teenager but I'm not and don't suggest the old chestnut 'get a room', rooms cost money, we don't have much and anyways to leave both parents that long is not an easy task to accomplish!
One day something will be simple....who am I kidding!
However, there are still a few things I am free to divulge and today's post concerns one of them.
Ok, laugh if you wish but this issue really isn't too funny from my perspective, I can though see why it might cause amusement, particularly given my age!
The relationship with 'N' is still going well, the guy is a star, a lovely man and someone who I am getting way more than fond of...and he, thankfully of me, but as ever in my life even the things that should be straightforward just damn well aren't.
I will have to choose my words carefully from this point on to avoid offense (like any of you would be offended!) but I give you a small warning that the content of this is a little 'adult'.
We have something of an annoying issue going on right now.
There are those I am sure who would still advocate 'courting' in the 'traditional' manner but then there are still also some perhaps who think that the world is flat, me, I think the world is round and I also think that within reasonable bounds of propriety sex is all just part and parcel of any caring relationship, I can't get too hung up about the whole business, it's a natural function, simples.
Not simples! Very not simples!
'N' like myself also lives with his elderly mother and cares for her (really two of us, you couldn't make it up!) He is more tied than I and this presents us with something of a frustrating problem....you can see where this is going can't you!?
Elderly parents, understandably perhaps, think that despite telling us this is our home, only the common areas are allowed for boyfriends/girlfriends to 'inhabit' and to be honest out of respect that wouldn't be an option. Next, either for financial reasons or because our services are required for caring neither of us can be away from home for too long or move out and so now two sets of parents require consideration and organisation instead of one.... result? Opportunities to spend time, er, alone aren't easy!
So... it seems for now we are mostly resigned to chaste kisses and holding hands, how sweet! Not! Ugh! I feel like a damn teenager again, with all the same restrictions and whilst I know it has it's amusing side, believe me, it isn't too amusing in reality....it's bloody frustrating and in my opinion none too healthy emotionally, but we just have no choice!
Please, don't anyone mention cars, I might feel like a teenager but I'm not and don't suggest the old chestnut 'get a room', rooms cost money, we don't have much and anyways to leave both parents that long is not an easy task to accomplish!
One day something will be simple....who am I kidding!
Thursday, 19 August 2010
The lastest - Simon's 'Cat in a box'
I adore these videos, they are just so 'cat'...I think most of them, if not all, are posted here as they have been released, this is the latest offering, enjoy!
Monday, 16 August 2010
The ultimate 'awwww' factor
Blatantly stolen from my good friend JW at Welcome to my world...sorry bud but it's just too irresistible!
Cute or what?
Cute or what?
Friday, 13 August 2010
Legless cat starts new life?
I'm not entirely sure about this - for all the obvious reasons - she seems happy and appears not to be in any pain but I'm still just not sure, hence the question mark in the post title......
Thursday, 12 August 2010
Progress perhaps!
Well then, perhaps, just maybe, possibly, things are beginning to move very slowly in the right direction at last!
It feels like it has been a lifetime in the coming and experience has taught me that anything could change in an instant but right now, right this moment in time, one or two aspects of my life are looking ever so slightly, up.
Firstly there's 'N', the new man in my life, it has it's complications, some of which you just couldn't make up (I'll save the details for another post) but it's good and it's getting gooder. That of course scares the life out of me in itself, for me, with good comes the fear of loss but I am trying really hard not to allow myself to fall into that trap again and to enjoy the here and now...famous last words, don't nag please, I know, self fulfilling prophecies and all that but I'm doing my best.
Secondly there is my job, which in the short term at least seems a tiny little bit more secure. I have worked damn hard to get it to where it is in the three months I have been in the position but if it keeps me employed then it's worth it. It would be nice to feel it was more secure but maybe in this day and age very few people have real job security and after all the time I spent unemployed I am just grateful to have a job at all.
Lastly there is the crap car, tomorrow (I know, Friday the thirteenth but dammit the new me is not going to worry about that....too much) it goes into a garage to have many of the multitude of now very significant and long standing problems it has, fixed. Suspension, drive shaft/CV joint yada yada yada. The bill could be horrific, possibly more than the car is worth but as a discharged bankrupt I don't have a hope in hell of buying a new one so this one is worth way more to me than it's monetary value.
...and you know the best bit? I have saved the money to pay for it myself, all of it, every last penny!
It may seem a small achievement to many but to me, after the last few years of relying on the state or friends and family, you have no idea just how good it feels! If it wipes me out again it will be worth it just for the feeling that knowing I have worked, saved and paid for it myself gives me! :)
I still have many a mountain to climb to get my life anything like where I would like it to be and the rebuilding process continues... but maybe, tentatively, things are beginning to progress in an upward direction just a little.
It feels like it has been a lifetime in the coming and experience has taught me that anything could change in an instant but right now, right this moment in time, one or two aspects of my life are looking ever so slightly, up.
Firstly there's 'N', the new man in my life, it has it's complications, some of which you just couldn't make up (I'll save the details for another post) but it's good and it's getting gooder. That of course scares the life out of me in itself, for me, with good comes the fear of loss but I am trying really hard not to allow myself to fall into that trap again and to enjoy the here and now...famous last words, don't nag please, I know, self fulfilling prophecies and all that but I'm doing my best.
Secondly there is my job, which in the short term at least seems a tiny little bit more secure. I have worked damn hard to get it to where it is in the three months I have been in the position but if it keeps me employed then it's worth it. It would be nice to feel it was more secure but maybe in this day and age very few people have real job security and after all the time I spent unemployed I am just grateful to have a job at all.
Lastly there is the crap car, tomorrow (I know, Friday the thirteenth but dammit the new me is not going to worry about that....too much) it goes into a garage to have many of the multitude of now very significant and long standing problems it has, fixed. Suspension, drive shaft/CV joint yada yada yada. The bill could be horrific, possibly more than the car is worth but as a discharged bankrupt I don't have a hope in hell of buying a new one so this one is worth way more to me than it's monetary value.
...and you know the best bit? I have saved the money to pay for it myself, all of it, every last penny!
It may seem a small achievement to many but to me, after the last few years of relying on the state or friends and family, you have no idea just how good it feels! If it wipes me out again it will be worth it just for the feeling that knowing I have worked, saved and paid for it myself gives me! :)
I still have many a mountain to climb to get my life anything like where I would like it to be and the rebuilding process continues... but maybe, tentatively, things are beginning to progress in an upward direction just a little.
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
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