Yesterday evening, completely without preamble, the final nail in the coffin of my disintegrated relationship was hammered home in no uncertain terms. I made one final attempt at a possible route for further communication, believing strongly that 'we' were worth a try, but it was not to be and I was duly and quite swiftly dispatched along with all my hopes and dreams.
I suppose I should be thankful that this happened to catch me on a day when my senses were pretty numbed by a diazepan haze but somehow I can't feel thankful, I can only feel desperately sad and sorry and with a feeling that I lost the most important thing in my life by my own error and that there was no chance open to rectify the situation.
I gave it my all, I believed in it, I believed in him and I believed in us in a way I had never believed in anything before and I suspect I won't ever again but I have no choice but to now try and find a way to come to terms with my situation and the feelings of loss, hurt and devastation.
The last three weeks have been the worst of my life and those of you who know me personally will know I have dealt with some pretty heavy shit in my life in the past....but nothing as painful, confusing or completely shattering as this. I don't really know what, where or how next and I feel I am hanging onto my sanity by a thread at times.... but somehow I will find a way and maybe tonight that journey will begin when I have my first session with a counsellor trained specifically in unravelling all the emotionally disastrous detritus I am left with.
At this point I have to say a MASSIVE THANK YOU to all those who have supported me so unendingly through this, without whom I know I couldn't have got this far. You know who you are guys but a special mention goes to Lisa, John, Jac, Tracey, Sarah, Zoe my parents and my brother...all of whom have listened unendingly to the rantings and wailings of my broken hearted madness and kept me from completely losing the plot. If I have forgotten anyone my apologies, blame the meds, I can't quite get my faculties in order right now but thank you all just the same....you lot have been bloody marvellous!
Thursday, 16 April 2009
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17 Comments:
I don't know all the details of it, but i'm pretty sure you didn't lose it 'through your own error'.
Like I've said to you before, you will be ok in time. The councellor will really help and it will be good to have someone to talk things through with so frankly.
Chin up xxx
We only met you once but you seem like a lovely person, take care and hope to see you again.
Martin and Jo
As others (I'm sure) also don't know all the details. I do know how fragile life can be at times. A counsellor will be able to help and may even give you tools to aid in the future. If drugs make it bearable for now use them and just take 1 step at a time. There may be times when you have 2 forward and 3 back - it happens, don't beat yourself up on it.
Sometimes it is all so raw it is difficult to see away out of it, with time you will.
Hugs x
just a hug (hug)
There's nothing else I can say without resorting to clichés, but I know you will get through this. (hug)
(crosses fingers and hopes that this works as blogger's been a bit misbehaving with it's comment recording (which explains why I'm mumbling "stupid fragging ragging borking bloggering rastardly" (yes, today I am Mutley :o) )))
if it was your own error, then anyone with any compassion, empathy or integrity should point it out and give you a second chance.
so maybe F wasn't quite what you thought ... ?
I note he is extremely quiet on the subject on his blog. Well, he would be, wouldn't he? Do you know if he is reading you?
I am amused to see that the word verification for this comment is 'coldso'. Appropriate, eh?
chin up and don't the bastard grind you down.
belleek
{{hugs}} I am so sorry for you, it was hard enough on me but seems to have got you much worse. It will get better, different, less painful but it will happen. Lean on your friends, counsellors, anyone who will listen as a true friend and supporter will always be there for you when you need them. {{hugs}} wish I could do more for you.
I am sorry to hear your last efforts were in vain. You can at least say that you gave it your all and tried your hardest.
It will all seem like a blur at the moment. I totally understand how hard this is so for now I will just send floaty butterfly hugs. :)
I guess this is what you call closure. At some point you might come to realise that F wasnt the perfect person for you and that you did no wrong - that it was him.
Please take that the way it was intended, sending all the support you need kx
My heart goes out to you, Jane and I am sure it was not 'your own doing.' Take one day at a time and stick with the counselling - it will help in the long run.
I hope the counselor will help you find a way to cope and start feeling better. Since you are feeling so bad, I think the only way to go is up. {{hugs}} to you.
I'm terribly sorry to hear about the end of your relationship. These situations are always traumatic. When my first marriage ended, my sense of relief was mitigated by an overwhelming sense that I failed as a husband and as a human being.
I offer you my condolences during the mourning process. I won't offer any advice, but shoot me an email if you just need to talk or bounce ideas around.
I don't know what else to say to add to the support above. I wished I had been closeer so I could have provided light entertainment and a coffee buddy for nero's.
Stick with counselling, it's very helpful to talk, to be allowed to thrash out things that normally only get thrashed around in your mind.
As ever, I leave virtual hugs. *hugs*
Bloody hell woman - stop this now! Don't give him the satisfaction of reading your pain - he'll either use it to justify his actions or feel that he is being unfairly vilified...
If I wasn't such a lady, I'd say exactly what I think of him - but here's a clue, there is a famous blog called 'My boyfriend is a t**t' or similar. So was yours!!!
Now muster yourself and your dignity and focus on you
Amusingly, my word verification is 'Light' - time you saw it
And yes you know who I am
ha ha XXX
I agree what "what's her name"... lol. Hold your head up. We all know relationships don't fall apart because of one person. Don't think otherwise.
Big Hugs xxxxxxxx
Hi Jane , I'm with Anon in this quandary you find yourself in and would add that everything happens for a reason... Been there, done that a looooooong time ago (after over twenty years, and 2 kids no less) .
1) Keep taking the medicine
2) Keep with the councillor
3) Keep your chin up (whatever you do DON'T let the bastard gind you down !!!
Love and hugs, Kate xxx.
Stop beating yourself up about your idea that you failed. You were manipulated by someone whose ego required him to have a devoted female at his beck and call. Smoke and mirrors Jane. You say how bad these weeks have been - hopefully now that you appreciate that the Cambridge door is shut you can start off getting back to the lovely bubbly person we knew. No more of this ashes and sackcloth; do not give him further satisfaction at reading what he has done. I am sure the men on here can read him from just what you have written in the last few weeks and take it from one who has not a lot to be proud of in male/female relationships that he is not worth it.
From someone who is 2½ years further down the line, I'd like to say 'hang on in there'. It does get less painful. I'm not going to say it'll all be fine, because that would be trite and stupid. I have scars from the trauma, but they are fading, and yours will too.
If writing about it makes you feel better, I say write. If ranting about it helps, then rant. Do whatever you need to do to get you through it. Then worry about anything else later.
Look after yourself. x
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