Is nothing ever straightforward?

I need to find a way to write this post a little 'delicately' and to that end I will try carefully to choose my words but forgive me if I fail a little.....diplomacy has never been one of my strongest points!

So....where to start with this delicate subject?

Here goes. I was off work yesterday, sick, yes really and honestly, no sickie, no ruse, I was poorly, my cold got the better of me and at five in the morning when I got up for work I just knew I wasn't up to it....so I went back to bed.

Unfortunately I also had an appointment for one of the 'women tests' at the quacks, you know the one, 'the routine, once every three years, lie back and relax please while I put the fear of God into you with an enormous speculum test'. I know, we none of us look forward to it but it's necessary and it's a simple procedure, right?

Wrong!

It's a simple procedure if one's anatomy is where it all should be, which in my case, isn't the damn case (wouldn't you know it). Apparently I have a very tilted womb, it wasn't always and they don't know why it is now, it's usually caused by a trauma i.e being involved in a car accident....I haven't been involved in anything that could cause that kind of injury but nonetheless it ain't quite where it ought to be!

This is problematical for the poor doctor attempting to carry out aforementioned procedure, despite my always fore warning them. Believe me I have suffered some amusing debacles in the past and what usually takes 5 minutes seems always to run into half an hour or more in my case. Ugh.

This time was no different, out came the 'alternative' and more scary apparatus of torture, suitable for my apparent deformity, and after the usual kind words telling me to relax (who the hell is gonna relax half naked in a cold room when someone is coming at your most delicate of regions with something that looks like it's stolen from a meccano kit, I ask you?) she got on with the job....only she didn't, and that's the problem.

I'm not a nurse or a doctor, I don't know too much of the specifics and I don't know that I want to but I do know that historically for me, and this experience was no different, it takes way too much faffing and fiddling around in there to try and locate the 'apparatus' where it needs to be located and get the job done. To be precise 25 minutes on this occasion....not my idea of fun, particularly when I already felt like crap.

Eventually it was done and by her own admission the doctor declared she was 'quite glad that was over'......she was glad??? Hello??? and that I had been a star given the difficulty and that was that, off I went to my car.

....and I drove home fine, if feeling a little yukky, walked through the back door happily........and promptly fainted!