Cretins, cops and cats

Today began as an other Sunday here in gemmaks-ville, I headed off into the sunrise feeling less than enamored at the prospect of nine hours in retail hell and hoping for a quiet day.

It was not to be, the morning passed uneventfully, I took an early lunch, treated myself to a new webcam, ate copious amounts of unhealthy chips and chocolate (well if you have to work on a Sunday at least make lunch a pleasure) and then went back to work.

Things deteriorated rapidly from there.

Not long after my return I noticed an 'undesirable' loitering with intent. His intent needless to say, being to permanently deprive my employer of goods he had not paid for. Unfortunately I have an almost sixth sense where these cretins are concerned, honed I assume by watching and detaining them as part of my living for years, some time back.

British law requires that before I can detain the perpetrator of a suspected crime I have to be able to account for his or her every move and thereby prove intent. Annoyingly in this case I knew I just didn't have enough of what the law requires to prosecute..... and had to watch him leave the store while I stood idly by. He knew I knew, I knew, he knew, I knew but there was damn all I could do and he smirked, as they do, as he walked by me and on his merry way Ugh!

All was not lost though. As is often the case with the cretinous shoplifter brigade, he was 'out of his face' and considered it a damn fine idea to repeat his performance half an hour later. As luck would have it I noticed him almost as he re-entered the store. This time I thought, "try it again sunshine and I've gotcha." Sure enough he tried it again and sure enough this time I had all the evidence I needed. No time for niceties, I dragged a passing colleague with me and we gave chase as the cretin made his exit, high value goods in hand, out of a fire exit, triggering the alarm as he went.

What followed can only be described as both successful and the ultimate proof that I am not as fit as I used to be! Hell, I used to run miles after these fools without a second though and without feeling like my lungs might just disintegrate at any moment. I was a competitive gymnast for years and running presented no problem. Today was very different! Today I ran like hell and I felt like hell! Twenty minutes we ran, and I mean really ran, after this guy whilst I had to give 'very nice police lady' in the control room a running commentary of where we were so that she could endeavour to get the police to the same place. My lungs felt like they would burst, my legs....well they were beyond jelly, I wasn't really aware of them and finally we got hold of our man. Sadly things became rather difficult at this point and feared for my young colleagues welfare I called it off. It's one thing to put myself in the position, it's another entirely to put someone else in it who isn't remotely familiar with the 'territory'.

The police arrived almost at this moment and among much sounding of sirens and flashing of lights they thankfully took up the chase. By this time it seemed that most of the neighborhood were on their doorsteps watching the commotion whilst all I could do was stand pathetically in one spot trying to breath and not collapse in an unfit and ungainly heap on the ground!.

In retrospect I am not so unimpressed with my body, I smoke, far too much, I am asthmatic and I don't any longer partake of a sport but my heart rate was back to normal within probably less than a minute.....not that bad under the circumstances.

Suffice to say the police locked up cretin a short while later, I crawled back to work to be met by the cops and to write statements etc. and then left for home....late!

My day aggravations did not end there. Barely out of sight of the store my car began to make an impressive but worrying noise, hotly pursued by a much less impressive noise as my cat (alytic converter) parted company with the rest of my car. Bear in mind her this car was in the garage having the brakes fixed yet again not three days ago. The mechanic said then that the cat was 'past it's best' but gave it about three months...ok, so he was right about the three, it did make it 3 days! There was no way in hell I was going to wait on the side of the road for hours for the RAC to rescue me so I drove home the 15 miles at 10mph to the sound of my engine blowing straight through and the remainder of the pipe dragging embarrassingly along the ground. The most amusing aspect was that despite my having my hazard warning lights flashing and driving at 10 mph other road users kept trying to indicate to me that something was wrong!!! Did they think I couldn't hear all the deafening racket around me? heh.

Eventually I made it home, ready only to sit down with a cup of coffee and chill but no.... it was not to be. I was met by small cat, rodent firmly lodged in mouth and chase number two ensued, this time by way of a rescue attempt. Rodent was duly rescued, small cat was duly miffed and my legs were duly done for!

I will no doubt, in due course, have the 'pleasure' of having to get suited and booted and trundle off to court to give evidence........but for now I'm going to do nothing more than put my feet up and eat chocolate!