I mentioned briefly yesterday that my day had been a little peculiar. I was unsure as to whether I would blog on the subject of the peculiarity at all but having 'slept on it' I have decided that one aspect of what happened to me is worthy of mention.
So what did happen. I am not going to make a meal of this, it was a small incident but the aspect that interested and surprised me is perhaps not.
Early in the morning, as I was leaving for work, I was subjected to what one would I suppose refer legally to as an incident of indecent exposure. The perpetrator was a neighbour. It is not appropriate or necessary for me to go into details in this forum, I have yet to decide on exactly what course of action to take because as ever in life it is not quite a straightforward as it appears.
The aspect of this incident that interests and surprised me was my reaction rather than the incident itself and it was a reaction that hopefully has taught me a little about the suffering of those that are subjected to more serious assaults.
I consider myself to be a street-wise city girl, and not much of the 'harsh reality aspect' of life fazes me....or so I thought. Immediately post incident and for the majority of the day, I either forgot about it or concentrated on gathering information to help me make a decision as to what action to take. I have a couple of friends who I knew would be able to give me excellent advice on the subject in question and who came up trumps.
What really surprised me was that by late evening, tired and having had to discuss the situation a number of times I began to think those classic thoughts.....'did I do anything to encourage this man', 'do I dress in a provocative manner', could he have misconstrued anything I said to him in the past? The interesting aspect of this for me is that I would be the first to say to another woman (or man for that matter) that nothing we do gives someone the right to behave in that manner. I would be the first to defend the right of an individual to go about her daily business without being subjected to any kind of sexual harassment and if you had asked me two days ago if those thoughts would even have entered my head under the circumstances....... I would have replied with a resounding no!
Yet, completely out of the blue they did, I actually questioned my behaviour for a few minutes, despite knowing full well that I did none of those things and even if I had it is not an excuse for this guys actions! Ok, so I rapidly talked sense into myself but the mere fact that I had the thoughts at all bought home to me just how terrible and difficult it must be to be victim of a serious sexual offence.
The second surprising thing was that 'Ms. Street-wise, city slicker, I can handle it' here, actually feels a little vulnerable knowing that the perpetrator is within yards of me all day and that I am alone. I had cause to retrieve 'small cat' from the shrubbery earlier this morning and I actually felt a little nervous and uncomfortable knowing this guy could be watching me....oh and I have done something I never do here....I have locked my door!
I am kinda annoyed with myself for feeling this way, I know that these actions are common sense but it annoys and surprises me that such a small incident has had the impact it has, in fact any impact at all! My experience is somewhere at the very bottom of the trauma ladder and yet, whilst I will get over it rapidly I hope, it affected me more than I would have guessed.
I have been through this before following a very different incident many years ago but it seems ironic that here in the middle of nowhere, where life is supposed to be idyllic I can still feel as vulnerable as I did in the middle of a big city.
N.B. Thank you to J & J for their excellent and informed advice and support.
Monday, 18 July 2005
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 Comments:
Actual experience beats all the book-learning in my reckoning. Don't worry though, your feelings are perfectly normal and will be understood by anyone who's ever been there.
I get flashed by male patients on a regular basis in the hospital. Most of them aren't in their right mind, but some patients have no such excuse. Regardless, my reaction is the same. I pretend that I didn't notice. I think that flashers want a reaction, so I don't give it to them.
I'm sorry, though, that you have to live near that creep. Maybe you should never leave your home without your camera prominently displayed in your hand.
It's so disturbing when you feel like your world has been violated. I know you have the strength to deal with it.
I once worked in the same office as my wife. One day the phone rang, and she answered it, and I saw her roll her eyes, say something, and hang up. I went over and asked what it was about.
"It was a heavy breather," she said. "He asked if I wanted to know what he had in his hand."
"What'd you tell him?"
"I said if he could hold it in one hand, I wasn't interested! And I hung up."
We had a good laugh over that. He never called back.
Post a Comment