Dithering

So here I am sitting dithering as ever I do in these circumstances. I am due into work, a late shift which doesn't help the situation, trying to decide if I am well enough and vacillating wildly.

I am thankfully improved a little from my condition yesterday but my common sense tells me I am not yet well enough to spend a hard day on my feet, on a day when 110% is required of me and my day won't finish until gone 21.00 hrs. The other side of the coin of course is that to avoid putting myself through that in my 'tender' state I have to go the 'calling in sick route' again! Ugh.

I could of course make my way in and see how it goes but that is not really a valid option, for should I feel too unwell to remain in situ the chances of my being allowed to leave are almost nil. Yup, even if I pluck up the courage to ask to go home I will be argued with and whilst in reality I cannot be chained to the place I will be made crystal clear to me that to desert my post is not an option. Half measures?... will I be granted the privilege of taking it slightly easier than if I was firing on all cylinders?....not a hope, it is unlikely anyone will even ask how I am and add to that I have to endure what is politely called the 'return to work interview' which of course, whilst it is hailed as the employer taking care of it's staff, in reality is just another form of intimidation. Eekkkk and ugh!

I know I am needed today, that is not incidentally a case of my 'blowing my own trumpet' rather a reflection on the skeleton staff we struggle by with, I feel guilty as hell for letting my colleagues down and I need the money......but I feel like crap, though not quite as large a heap of crap as I did.

And so I dither on, stress levels rising in my effort to make a decision and of course I know the outcome already.... for I am far too big a scaredy-cat to call in for a second day, rather I spend the next three long days in abject misery and collapse in a heap on Tuesday.

Oh to be brave!