woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published
in the New York Times.
Oh to have this presence of mind at 40 something, let alone 96!
To whom it may concern,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest
savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for
only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas
I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try
to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore
and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your
bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the
Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies
of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary
Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required of me to access my account balance
on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you
call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail
system to choose from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later
date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 - 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
Year.
Your Humble Client,
0 Comments:
Post a Comment