TFIF

There is something about Fridays, no matter that my last fifteen or so years have been spent in a job that dictated I worked all weekend, Friday's refused to stop having that 'special' feeling about them. I never lost the anticipatory feeling of something better to come over the weekend, though of course in reality it wasn't the case....quite the reverse on most occasions!

However, as with all clouds my current somewhat murky landscape has a silver lining......Friday's really are really cool again. No matter that I have temporarily joined the ranks of the idle poor, the slight frisson and excitement of a Friday's promise has returned in earnest. I may not have the rat race to contend with on weekdays but I do still feel I have to get the 'business end' of life attended to, eject myself from sleep (like I'm getting much anyway right now) at a civil hour and at least make an effort to maintain some routine....but weekends, weekend are for playing, weekends have returned to being a time for fun, for trying not to worry about the crap and for trying to turn off my head. No more 5am starts, no more customers to harass me to within an inch of my patience, no more having to be the one going home early on a Friday or Saturday night from whatever function.....yup, this cloud certainly has one very big silver lining!

......and this week, being up there in my top three of lifetime 'weeks horriblis' I intend to fully utilise that 'Friday feeling' and the silver lining.

TFIF.

Have a good weekend guys :o)

A 'wild' rubber band!

Tilly, having finally earned her 'garden wings' by proving that she will usually come home eventually, is now allowed 'out to play' unsupervised from time to time.

The learning process was somewhat fraught, with either my mother or myself in a state of near panic each time she did a 'disappearing act' and it has to be said that along the way there were more than a few frantic twilight searches among the shrubbery, but in the main she was never far away, rather just making the most of her cat camouflage and laughing at us from a bush usually not more than ten foot from our torchlight!

And so, all grown up and familiar with her new surroundings there is only two concerns left. The first is that she will at some point fall victim to one or other of the rather too large tabby tom cats that seem to roam the same territory. Tilly is completely unaware that she should be on her guard for such interlopers, having had one or two pointed out to her from the safety of indoors she seems completely unfazed, her assumption I assume seems to be that all 'foreign' felines must surely be as simple to deal with as Ditto, the only other cat she has ever encountered. I'm not sure who is going to be more scared when the inevitable happens but for now madam remains is a blissful state of ignorance regarding any impending battles she has to face.

The second and lesser concern is that she will begin presenting myself and my parents with the delightful little 'gifts' so familiar to we who are owned by a member of the feline population. For myself that is not a great issue, ok, so I prefer not to be presented with a headless mouse over breakfast but I can live with it.....my parents however, who are not 'cat people', might be a little less than enamored!

It would seem there is little to fear on this latter concern, for this morning, having been given free rein of the garden in the relatively early hours, she was seen performing all the 'bottom wiggling and tummy on the floor' stalking maneuvers associated with a soon to be new kill. Maybe half an hour later, after much more of this performance, she came bounding into the house with her quarry held firmly and proudly in her mouth, chattering and chirruping happily at her new found skill.

Almost proud that she had begun to learn the real grown up cat stuff I investigated, ready to try and turn loose some small defenceless rodent. On approach my pride lessened slightly when it appeared that her kill was merely a worm......it lessened somewhat further when she dropped it on the carpet for another hours 'killing' and I realised it was not a worm at all...... but a 'wild' red rubber band!



Um...perhaps she has some way to go yet in this particular learning process!

A day to forget

The time always comes in situations such as my current one where the 'honeymoon period' (no pun intended) is over and the business of getting on with real life has to be attended to.

Ok....so for a short while we maybe allow ourselves time to adjust a little, time to pretend things will be easier than we know the reality will be, a break from the recent traumas to stand back, take stock and begin to consider our next move...today was that day.

The first of the big decisions had been waiting to be made for a while and could wait no longer, today was the day the proverbial bullet had to be bitten, and somewhat firmly at that.

I am of course referring to my rather tenuous financial situation, ignoring it was not going to make it disappear and so this morning, already feeling considerably less that full of confidence for one reason and another, I set about taking the last of the professional advice I needed to come to a final decision....and made the decision. There is no alternative option left open to me other than to file for personal bankruptcy. Not something I relish and a situation that for me, that the irony of which will not be lost on some, but the sooner I file the papers the sooner I can begin to look forward to a more 'normal' life. It ain't gonna be an overnight transition by any means, more like years of overnights but it can't be avoided and so in a weeks time the bull will be taken by the horns and gemmak will become officially 'financially f**ked'.

The amusing aspect (ok, so maybe I say 'amusing' through gritted teeth but you know what I mean) of this scenario is that it costs a fair few quid to render oneself bankrupt!! Hell, if I had that kind of money readily available I might not be considering this course of action at all but hey ho, life is full of such absurdities and I have but one possession left worth anything (and a lot more in sentimentality) and so it will be sold, my dues paid and a damn hard lesson learnt.

Oh, but my delightful day was not yet complete. Having navigated my way through that legal maze it was off to the DSS to 'sign on', no job having yet been secured and my bank account looking sadly bare I gave in in the name of not starving.

This expedition I have to say was marginally worse than the bankruptcy hoo ha, if I had any vestige of self esteem left when I walked into the hallowed government building I certainly didn't when I left! Having been subjected to the banal and ridiculous myriad of questions fired at me by an 18 year old upstart who assumed I probably hadn't worked a day in my life, had 16 children by 17 different fathers and at least one plasma screen in each government supported bedroom of my palatal home...... I was then informed I had to undergo two further grillings before a decision would be made as to whether I am entitled to the princely sum of £57 a week!

Like I said, a day to forget! it was a tough one, one of my toughest, ten rounds with Muhammed Ali might have been preferable and I have to admit to being rather less amused by the whole situation than it maybe appears here but if you didn't laugh you'de cry....yup, ok, I did my fair share of that too as the day went on but with a little help from Nero's (ok, I'm broke, maybe I shouldn't be patronising Nero's but WTF I needed something) and my usual excellent 'support team' (thank you as ever, you know who you are) I managed to make it this far, albeit in a rather 'wobbly' fashion!

Hey......shit happens, today was a scary one to put it mildly, I'm still kinda reeling but tomorrow is another day, I still have the most important things in my life, (no, not my laptop, that will become of interest to the bailiffs) and maybe, just maybe, one day in the future some fool will let me have a mortgage again!

Does now seem an appropriate moment to utter the words 'pigs' and 'wings' and 'life sucks' at times?

Suburban summer

From my mothers garden. (Clickable)

Peony
Geranium
Poppy

Tilly's newest obsession!

Tilly had never encountered a squirrel until she encountered my parents garden and with her new found freedom has come a new obsession.....'squirrel watching'. My concern is the latest aspect of this interest,'squirrel stalking'...I have an uneasy feeling that should she succeed in her quest to come face to face with said rodent, she may well find she has bitten off more than she can chew!

Catching the sun

'Madam' has wasted no time in making herself at home here and finding for herself an 'appropriate' and favoured resting spot!

Who are your friends?

I have been in my current position before, that is the position where I have made the decision to leave a partner and make a new life and one of the most striking aspects of being in that position is that one very quickly learns who one's real friends are.

It is human nature I suppose that when individuals find themselves standing on the perimeter of such a situation they feel a need to 'side' with one party or another, to 'fight the corner' of one or another of those involved, rather than to try see the bigger picture, think outside the box and look at all sides of a set of circumstances.

On both the occasions I have found myself in this situation, within days, despite my attempts at not turning anything into a battle, the statutory two 'camps' have formed and suddenly one is made very aware of those friends who will and those who will not continue to stand at one's side and offer support through thick and thin. Almost instantly there are some who were considered at least reasonably close friends, who feel it appropriate to judge a situation, often with only half information and overnight those people disappear into the mists of what once was.

There is of course an upside to this. As one trundles through life one learns there is not enough time to be wasted on friendships that never really where that, friendships that ultimately lacked depth, with friends like that who needs enemies as the saying goes, and whilst it can be sad in parts sorting the 'wheat from the chaff' it at least ensures we find within our circle of friends those who really care and those we care for in return.

The situation does not make me angry nor bitter, it just is as it is, it will always be human nature to a degree but for my part I hope, that on the occasions I find myself being the onlooker I can at least try to stand back a little and look for the bigger picture.

I am very lucky, I know who my true friends are, I know who I can count on and who I can trust but it is sad that in a situation such as that I am currently experiencing that any one individual has to be judged right or wrong, stuff happens, we make decisions to the best of our ability, they may not always seem right to another but do we have the right to judge others even when we are in possession of the facts, let alone when we aren't?

A morning shower

So there I am, Tilly having performed her usual 5am alarm function, sitting in the garden (this is a non smoking house), cup of excellent strong coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other trying to haul myself into some semblance of normal brain activity. The birds sung sweetly, the sun shone, Tilly was lying by my feet purring gently and everything seemed right with my little world at least for a few minutes.

And then suddenly from nowhere came a shower of water, it rained down onto my slowly wakening head without warning, extinguished the cigarette and ran in little cold dribbles down my back.

This was no ordinary shower! You have to understand three things. Firstly the patio here is situated directly under my parents bedroom window, secondly my father has a wicked sense of humour and thirdly he is considerably less than fond of cats. It is not in essence the cats themselves, more that my mother adores birds and feeds them voraciously....the connection is obvious, cats and birds are not good bedfellows!

To this end, my father has a very large syringe always ready charged with water with which, for amusement, he occasionally takes a 'pot shot' at any bird killing cats that dare to stray into his garden early in the morning.

You can guess the rest I'm sure. Having spied me loitering in a state of only semi consciousness at such an early hour below the window, he decided it might be a 'helpful' move to assist in my waking efforts by providing me with an instant cold shower!

Revenge will be mine! ;o)

Dream the impossible dream

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far

To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this
That one (wo)man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with (her) his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star

The Impossible Dream ~ by Joe Darion

Gemmak Designs is closed

Sadly my new lifestyle means that I am no longer able to give proper attention to 'gemmak designs' and as a consequence, with immediate effect I will be closing it's doors for the foreseeable future.


I have to admit to feeling kinda sentimental about it and not a little sad but for now I really just don't have the time or facility that I need to dedicate to it. It was a big part of my life for over a year, right back to the good old days when Lisa and I ran it as Design-a-blog, through to it's tranformation to what it is today when Lisa had to leave due to her own change in circumstances.

So that's it, the end of a small era, at least for now. Maybe I will be able to resurrect it again at some point but for now gemmak designs had closed it's doors for the last time.

Tilly in town!

So, I thought this morning, as Tilly performed her usual 5am alarm function (and I swore quietly to myself, ok maybe not so quietly) that it is about time I updated you on her progress, for all this upheaval has also affected her.

In the first instance she deserves a small medal for her new found ability to travel! Never having been in a car for longer than ten minutes previously, she behaved marvelously on the ten hour drive to London the day I departed. She cried for perhaps the first few minutes and then not a sound did she utter, other than to purr when we stopped and she was released from her carrier to stretch her little legs and have a cuddle.

Fly hunting
Once arrived at my parents (at something well past midnight) she was a little confused, new people, new place and no Ditto to torment. It took her maybe a week to really begin to find her suburban feet, a week of crying every time I left the room and a week of looking slightly lost and confused at times but she's now beginning to really settle in. She has her new routines in place, she has discovered that my mother is easy to manipulate with a 'certain look', she has an old child's high chair positioned by the window (there are no sills) so she can watch the birds to her hearts content, she has already procured her own little places in the sun and on the sofa and I, having decided it was time she learnt to go out and play and having completed two weeks of 'familiarization' on a harness, yesterday, took the bull by the horns and let her 'out to play' alone, albeit with my heart in my mouth.

But, as someone promised me she would, ok I knew that but hey I'm her mum I worry, she came home all by herself! Success! She had a ball, it seems that her hunting skills have yet to progress further than small insects but small insects can be immense fun for a small cat!

Famous last words I know, I'm not tempting fate but it's looking good. It seems Tilly's naturalisation is almost complete and whilst I'm sure her new home all still seems a little odd to her now and again, she is well on the way to learning to be a town cat.

Sunset in suburbia

Ok....so the scenery might not be as stunning as that in Scotland but here in the South we still manage sunsets. :o)

One hundred things

*Updated 12 July 07.

1. I was born on the 13th...... Enough
said!

2. I can 'talk the hind legs off a donkey'.

3. I don't have children.

4.'My' summer was the summer of '06.

5. I love London.

6. I'm 5' tall...... Or short!

7. I'm a chocoholic.

8. I miss my cats desperately :o(

9. I always wanted to be a police officer.

10. Football bores me rigid.

11. I have moved house 7 times in 10
years.

12. Coffee is imperative in my life!

13. but not instant!

14. I have ridden a motor bike In
excess of 160mph.....often.

15. I love all animals.

16. I'm terrified of spiders.

17. I have a loud voice.

18. I'm impulsive.

19. I once had to photograph someone
famous... And ran out of film!

20. I think the ocean is wonderful.

21. June 17th is my groundhog day.

22. I'm 'gobsmacked' if I meet someone famous.

23. My favourite colour is pink!.

24. I'm a dress size 8..but I wouldn't dream of wearing a dress!

25. I love extreme weather and my dream
holiday would be storm chasing.

26. Dentists scare the crap out of me!.

26. I'm probably over-sensitive.....and I wish I wasn't.

27. Money isn't very important to me, thankfully, given my bank balance.

28. I don't hold grudges very long.

29. My closest friends know who they are.

30. I'm not religious but I think I believe there is 'something'

31. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life......
and have rarely learnt from them.

32. I am motivated by emotion.

33. I'm sentimental.

34. Animals and computers are my passion.

35. I love North Cornwall.

36. I would like to be 35!

37. My parents are my heros.

38. I smoke........a lot.

39. My favourite foods are green olives,
fresh parmesan and chocolate.

40. I think flowers are beautiful.

41. I wish I had gone on to university

42. I weigh 8 stone.

43. I've only had surgery once.

44. I wish I understood HTML/CSS thoroughly.

45. I love flying.

46. I'm a gadget freak

47. After 30 years I'm now a badly failing vegetarian.

49. I'm gradually learing to be 'tall'.

50. I would like to be well read but I'm not.

51. I would like to understand politics but I
don't.

52. My life tends to be an open book.

53. I have been married and divorced twice.

54. I would like to open a cat sanctuary.

55. I have never done drugs.

56. I consider my internet friends real friends.

57. I have smaller feet than my 11 year old
niece.

58. I always try to keep everyone
happy.....and usually fail dismally.

59. I have never been arrested.

60. I would like to make a living as a website
designer.

61. I passed my driving test 1st time.

63. I don't have a favourite song, it changes
with my mood.

64. Despite years on a motorbike I have
only ever had one speeding ticket...in a car at
41mph!

65. I owe my life as I know it to Mary (she
knows who she is)

66. Strangely.... I still believe In marriage.

67. ....and true love.

68. I hate cruelty.

69. I'm not good with money

70. I barely watch TV.

71. I hated my geography teacher!

72. I slept on the pavement under Big Ben
the night before Princess Diana's funeral.

73. My father had to set up my 1st computer.

74. My favourite film is Last of the Mohicans.

75. I do consistently stupid things.

76. I'm impatient.

77. I want to travel the whole world on a motorbike.

78. I have an absolute passion for diamonds.

79. I want a fast car and/or another bike.

80. I still miss Poppy and 'gemmak'.

81. I miss my grandmother.

82. I aggravate others by driving slowly on small
roads for fear of hitting an animal!

83. I'm very squeamish.

84. I love people watching.

85. I would like to be top at something.

86. I hate cooking.

87. I think I have integrity.

88. I would hate to win the lottery.

89. I love galleries and museums.

90. I was 14 the first time I got very drunk.

91. I have been tee total since age 20....but I'm learning not to be! ;o)

92. I want to give up smoking but doubt I ever
will.

93. I wish clothing designers would accept we
are not all tall.

94. I always back the underdog.

95. I don't suffer fools gladly.

96. I would like to be able to help reduce the
taboos attached to mental illness

97. I am beginning to know me.

98. I am obsessive.

99. I'm not good at decisions.

100. More than anything in life I want to achieve my dream.

First things first

It goes without saying that the last ten days of my life haven't been the easiest I have lived through, the emotional impact of my decision to leave Scotland doesn't need elaboration, we have all been there to one degree or another and it's never fun but it is something we learn to deal with over time.

The practical aspects of my move are however more pressing, the emotional stuff will carry on loitering in the background for a time but my lack of a job, the fact that I have about £20 to my name, a scary level of debt to deal with and no home to call my own require that I 'pull my finger out', and quite rapidly.

Money is an odd thing. Had someone asked me prior to now if would I mind others funding my life I would have joked and said 'hell.. no, feel free', the reality is very different...I hate it, I hate that I am completely dependent on others to pay for absolutely anything I need, I hate that I can't make my own decisions and I hate that I have found myself in that situation at all. All that said I am of course very lucky that I have people prepared to help me right now, where I would be without them doesn't bear thinking about and I will be eternally grateful for their practical and emotional support.....but it doesn't stop me hating it!

And so that's what this week is about....finding myself some suitable employment, or even unsuitable for that matter, anything is better than nothing from where I'm standing! On the up side now I'm back in the 'big city' there is a far greater chance that I will be able to persuade someone that I am employable, at least in the short term, Scotland may have been beautiful, it may have been many positive things but it sure as hell wasn't the place to be if you need to find work fast!